standupshots

Unintended Side Effect

Unintended Side Effect

Missing kids are sometimes featured on milk cartons, but yeah it took me a while too

Joke is a bit hard to read on mobile. (Which is a shame because I liked it.) Make that text bigger, until it fills the empty space between the current end of your joke and your Twitter handle.

I don’t understand.

A bit esoteric, but once the realization hit me, it was pretty funny. I hope there's a small pause after it's said on stage.

'Murica

'Murica

This is all of hilarious, sad and wildly appropriate.

Cure for SAD?

Cure for SAD?

Or they have seasonal affective disorder and their depression is worse in the winter.

This. The way the sun affects the brain and body has a direct effect for many with depression caused by a chemical imbalance. This winter was hard as shit for me, and my motivation started coming back as soon as that vitamin D started hitting me. Hell, Bright Eyes has a song about how he bought pills as a teenager to kill himself and then the sun came out and he decided to wait a couple days. It happens.

One of the worst things you can do for those with mental health issues is gatekeep them. Nobody needs to worry about if they're depressed "enough". It keeps many from seeking treatment because they "don't have it that bad".

Yea this is a shit joke. Weather literally effects people's depression.

Yeah this joke needs to go back in the notebook. Perhaps inverting it to a personal story about how the weather affected or didn't your depression. But as it is this is a crap joke.

Would this technically make me pro-life?

Would this technically make me pro-life?

That's fucking hilarious

I do consume soda by the liter. Who needs toes anyways?

Thanks so much!

Quick glance I thought this was Farva.

Quality joke.

I thought it was the guy who used to date Pam in the office

Social Darwinism

Social Darwinism

That Starbucks thing was bullshit though.

This is fantastic

Why would he want to be associated with it?

I've heard a lot of comedians talk smack about jokes that are written around what you're wearing. Not that I care either way but this joke could easily work without actually wearing the shirt.

Explaining Jail To A 5 Yr Old

Explaining Jail To A 5 Yr Old

"but we require that they commit a crime first."

Oof, that one stings. Definitely some truth there.

My mom used to tell me there is a famous book/ story about a homeless/poor man who's trying to end up in jail because he knows he will be fed and housed for free. Supposedly he ends up in jail for something he didn't even commit.

In my real life, a homeless man put a rock the size of a bowling ball through my dad's windshield (the truck was parked in a parking lot, we were all inside a restaurant at the time) because a police cruiser was parked nearby. According to the cop, the homeless man smashed the windshield, then calmly walked over to the cop with his hands up asking to be arrested. He was hungry, and it was the only way he could get food.

I believe that's a story by O'Henry. Two Hobo's are trying to get arrested during the cold months of winter, but they don't succeed and then just as the weather starts to warm up and they no longer want to go to jail they get popped

Just get this tub in the air.

Just get this tub in the air.

I came about after those jokes. The question itself has been a running gag for my entire life but I have yet to hear the rest of such a joke. Seriously, fuck that dry sandwich though.

What's the deal with airplane food?

Ask the 80’s.

I get that a lot.

Legalize it, not them

Legalize it, not them

There's a lot of really butthurt stoners in this thread

If you can't laugh at your own silly subculture maybe it defines a little bit too much of you.

[My bong's name is Brynhildr]

video of my stand-up

I smoked weed every day for five years until my friends and I got high and water-boarded each other.

We committed a war crime. We broke the Geneva Convention. We interrogated each other like, “Where are the Funyuns!?!” I wish that wasn’t true

Anyways if you liked this please for the love of God follow my Twitter or Facebook so my mom stops begging me to return to grad school.

Here’s a to critique harshly

And send all concerns to venmo Geoffrey-asmus

Or DM me for awkward conversation. I love some of you

Mine is Kim Bong Un.

Try one of these subthreads