I [25F] am worried I cannot trust my husband [28M] with our [3M]
My husband and I dated one year, and have been married four. He's a supportive and loving husband, and a supportive and loving father. It's the things he seems to be unable to control that I am confused about.
The first thing I noticed was around April of this year. Back when it first started, it was subtle things. He'd be distracted from our conversation by motion it would seem, but we'd be alone. He'd get up at night to check out a sound, but there'd be no sound. He got his vision and hearing checked, and "nothing was wrong".
He started doing or saying things that simply did not make sense (in addition to the above). We got a cat tree for our pet. The night after we bought it, I went downstairs because I heard someone. He was up at like 2am with a flashlight and a screwdriver looking at the cat tree. He kept saying something was wrong with it, like it needed to be fixed. I asked him what he was talking about and he said it was something for another time and went back to bed. For a while after that he'd occasionally mention going to Lowes to pick up parts to fix the cat tree, but whenever I asked him what it was, he'd dodge the question.
Gradually the frequency of things like this kept growing. For example I caught him trying to pour cereal from empty box and getting frustrated that none would come out, or changing the flag on the mailbox for absolutely no reason (like getting up during a movie at night to go flip it). One time we were at the mall and he got anxious that he forgot to flip it. I asked why it mattered, and he was just like "Oh I guess it doesn't".
I was in denial for a while. I finally confronted him about it when I came home and he was trying to pour water for the cat. He was holding the bowl sideways, and getting frustrated that it wouldn't hold much water. I stood there just listening to him. Every word he said hit me, making it harder and harder to believe what I wanted to. He connected it to something else. He said that we really ought to look at new bowls when we go out to get the stuff for fixing the cat tree.
I cried. And then he came over to me, acting just the way he would normally, comforting me and asking what's wrong. I was relieved for a second. I laughed about how ridiculous I was being, and I told him he was just holding the bowl sideways. He looked at me, and walked over to the sink and tried filling the bowl sideways. Then he rotated it, and when it started to fill up he just dropped the bowl and started crying. He asked me what was wrong with him.
We talked about it all and things were going to be ok again. He said to call him out on it whenever he did something that didn't make any sense. We made an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist as well. He was diagnosed as bipolar. I don't know how psychology works but I didn't think he was having mood swings, but at the time I was like ok sure whatever, my husband's fine.
He wasn't. He started staring. For long periods of time he would just stare at something. It would be hard to snap him of it, but sometimes it would be twenty or thirty minutes. Things stopped making sense again.
Today I came home to see him standing in the kitchen staring at the bowl he had previously tried to fill sideways sitting on the counter top. My 3 year old was crying, asking for food, yelling "Dad!" over and over at his ankles. I shook him and after a minute he finally responded and looked around. I made my son food and told him he needed to get help. I am taking my vacation week this week because I don't know if I can trust him with our son anymore. He is going to see some doctors. I think he lied to the the one last time.
I don't know what to fucking do.
tl;dr: I don't know what's wrong with my husband or what to do for him.
Getting married in a week, my [26/M] fiancee [24/F] (together 4 years) claims she "lost" her engagement ring last night at her hens night...
Ok first let me apologise for the throwaway, but my fiancee is a frequent redditor and I'm afraid she might see this.
I'll get right to it. Last night was my bucks night and my fiancee's hens night. We've been together for 4 years, engaged for 6 months. We've both had our doubts about settling down young (for her) but have worked through them together. Our families love each other, our lives are so intertwined. I don't even know what to think right now.
Our wedding day is this Thursday, and of course we both were fine with the other having a night out with friends as a "last hoorah". I didn't find it suspicious at the time that she objected to the traditional "hens night" scenario where she was the centre of attention. She said she just wanted a quiet informal night at the bar with her close girlfriends.
So last night we got home at different times, I got home around 2am from a night of pool and beers with my closest 4 friends (known them since highschool). She got home close to 6am looking really dishevelled. I noticed right away that she wasn't wearing her engagement ring. It's a fairly large ring (not bragging). At first I was really worried that she had lost it, and asked her about it right away. She acted surprised that it wasn't there, and immediately said that she must have dropped it somewhere. This struck me as odd, because originally we had to have the ring resized to fit her (when I first proposed), so I know it fits perfectly now. Not exactly easy to slip off.
So I asked a few more questions, just worried about her and about the ring since it was fairly pricey. She seemed to be really upset, I could see her visably shaking and she was close to crying I think. She told me she'd call the bar later when it opened, and that she needed to get some sleep.
Later that morning she was in the shower, and I decided to have a quick look through the pockets of her clothes from last night and the bag she'd taken just incased it had slipped off when she was dancing or getting something from her bag. Lo and behold, what's this in the bottom of her handbag? A ring box, one I've never seen before, and inside is her ring. What??! So I'm about to call out to her in the shower but then I get suspicious. Something feels wrong. Usually I'm not one to snoop, I believe in privacy and trust as the foundation of a good relationship, but I had the most overwhelming feeling. So I looked at her phone which was sitting on the nightstand. She had two missed calls from a number I didn't recognise, and a message from the same number in her inbox. The message just had a street address and the words "see you soon xx". At this point my mind was racing and I had butterflies in my stomach. Shit. Shit shit shit. This took me completely by surprise, and I'm not used to feeling paranoid. She's never given me any reason to doubt her in the past.
She got out of the shower and I was still too numb to say anything. I felt like I needed some time to process what I'd found. I mean, the address could have been for some party that the girls had decided to head to after leaving the bar, and I didn't want to make her upset by jumping on her about it straight away in case nothing had happened.
But then came that afternoon. I came back into the bedroom after making some lunch (this was around 1 pm) to find her beaming at me. "The bar found my ring!" she said, "I can go grab it later this evening on my way to work" (she works as a a server at a restaurant downtown).
So that's where I'm at, Reddit. It seems that my soon-to-be wife may be cheating, or lying, or both. What the hell do I do? Obviously the immediate answer is to talk to her about it, but what do I say? Help! I'm absolutely lost and I feel like my world has been turned upside down by this.
TL;DR My fiancee (together 4 years) went out for her hens night last night and came back without her engagement ring. She claims she lost it, I find it in her bag, along with a text from a strange number. She lies, telling me the bar has found her ring. What's going on?
UPDATE: I(F/24) just got an email with pictures of my SO (25/m) having sex with another woman.
Here's the original posting: http://www.reddit.com/sub/relationships/comments/1iyojy/i_f24_just_got_an_email_with_pictures_of_...
Sorry it took so long to write this. I needed a minute to recollect myself and thoughts so I could at least write something coherent. If I seem a bit dazed and this post is messy, excuse me as I'm trying to process a lot.
My SO got home early from work and I immediately confronted him. I showed him the pictures, played the video for him (that was honestly the hardest thing to do, it was hard not to cringe and breakdown) and demanded to know what the hell was going on. He explained that 6 months after we met, he met a woman at his old office, they remained friends after he left his job and kept in touch. It wasn't until about two months ago that their relationship crossed the line between friends to cheating, when she drunkenly sent him nude pictures and he responded back. They were talking back and forth and sending pictures, eventually making plans to meet up when I was away for the month. I've never met her before, briefly heard about her in passing, but she knew from the beginning about me. She knew we were in a relationship and had seen pictures of us on his desk. She's also married. They met up once and fucked, taping it because it was always a fantasy of hers. Both her and my SO knew about the camera and the tape. No protection was used during their tryst, and she's now pregnant. I am unsure if my SO is the father or not, nor do I care.I do not intend to stick around for the paternity shit. Her new found pregnancy apparently caused her to have a bout of regret for fucking someone who is not her husband and fessed up to her hubby and told my SO of her plan to reveal their affair to me. She found me on Facebook and got my email through there. Hence the pictures and email. As far as I know both her and her husband are staying together. I don't know if he's seen the pictures or not.
After he explained everything, he let me read his email and text messages. I have to admit it was more that heartbreaking and probably a really stupid mistake. He revealed a lot to her that he's never talked to me about. He didn't just cheat physically but very much emotionally. It did however confirm he was telling the truth. He of course asked for a second chance and begged to forgiven, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that he's a dumbass, yaddda yadda yadda. He promised he'd change. Promised counseling, promised it was a one time thing and he couldn't stop feeling guilty about it. Honestly I don't remember much of it because I was in such shock.
I asked him to leave our apartment, to call our landlord and ask to be taken off our lease, and not to contact me. I'm giving him the weekend to get out of the apartment. I packed my bag, my valuables, the animals, and headed to my sisters house. I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a full STD panel. There were a lot of tears and a lot of begging but honestly after what I read and now know, there is no way I could forgive him.
Honestly, I'm in complete shock. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad nightmare or this is just the shittiest prank ever. I honestly am in complete disbelief of how he turned out and how this man who I loved for two years could do something so cruel. I'm angry at myself for not seeing it sooner, and for being so stupidly in love with a man who had such disregard for everything about our relationship. I thought maybe after an explanation I'd feel more relieved, but honestly I just feel worse. One second I feel like I can't stop crying and next I'm numb and angry.
Thank you all for all your support and advice. I really appreciate you all reaching out and all your kind words. My world kinda of sucks right now and while you're all strangers it feels good to know such decent people exist in this world.
TL;DR: SO is cheating dick who fucked an officemate and knocked her up, she got guilty told me and now he's single and I'm gonna drink away my feelings.
Edit: Hey guys! I am completely overwhelmed about how this thread blew up and the amount of support I received. Despite the fact that I may not have responded to everyone, I really appreciate all of your comment's and pm's. He and I talked again last night and he agreed to move out of the apartment peacefully with absolutely no contact in the future. I'm staying with my sister for the weekend while he moves out. As for the husband, I haven't made up my mind yet to tell him. If I do decide to go that route, in no way will it be as cruel as how she approached it. Thank you everyone once again, I really appreciate the support as I try and rebuild.
Edit 2: My SO who is also a redditor just found this post. While he is not happy with me going to internet to air our dirty laundry, he would at least like me to clear a few things up. 1. They apparently didn't use condoms because she's allergic to latex but she is clean. (I am rolling my eyes at this excuse and still getting tested) 2. Her husband knows about the affair, but has not seen the pictures 3. He is pretty sure he's not the father of the baby (riiiighhht) and 4. He was a good boyfriend. I have to agree with this one. For the majority of our relationship leading up to this, he treated me like gold. He was never manipulative or abusive in anyway. We had a very loving relationship.
After discussing my girlfriends(F21) night terrors, I(M23) found out some really... disturbing things about her. (Hopefully the FINAL update.)
I figured now would be a good time to update you guys on the situation with my girlfriend. Prior to now, I didn't really have anything to update. The past 2+ months have been up and down, but right now, I can definitely say it was 100% worth it.
Let's see if I can break this down because quite a bit has happened, but, here goes.
Girlfriend ended up going to the support group almost immediately. She'd chatted on their forum pretty much the entire week before she went, and decided she was comfortable. I waited in the visitor's area. For about 3 weeks, this was our routine. Every Tuesday & Thursday night, she went to her group and I drank coffee. Sometimes we'd talk about it, sometimes we wouldn't.
Eventually, she was assigned a "counselor," sort of like how AA has sponsors. This is a designated person that she can call at ANY time, day or night, no matter what's going on. She was told to call them ANY time she has a night terror, anytime she feels an anxiety attack coming on, anything. This woman is basically her on-call personal therapist, only without a degree. This woman is WONDERFUL, and has been so amazing for my girlfriend.
Not long after my post, my girlfriend went to her gyno, and is no longer on the depo shot or any form of birth control, aside from me using a condom. We didn't want her on anything hormonal, and she's holding off on an IUD (she's looking at Paragard.) So far, no problems, but it hasn't been that long and her anxiety has gotten much better, but still too soon to tell if it was the shot or if therapy is what's helping her.
Girlfriends counselor found her a therapist, who she's been seeing for the past month now, every Monday and Wednesday. So, all in all, she goes to her therapist, next day group, therapist, group. It's a good schedule for her, she says, because she's able to talk to the group and the therapist and talk about things separately. Surprisingly enough, her therapist is male and she's completely okay with that. I think it's great for her because she's sort of overcoming that whole, "men are evil and out to hurt me," mentality.
She hasn't been put on any medication, but we've been completely night terror free for a month now. Night terrors came back in full force the first night she went to group, probably because she had a lot on her mind. For the next 2 weeks, she had them every other or night or so until she just stopped having them. Her therapist says it's probably because she has an outlet for everything she's thinking/feeling instead of bottling it up and it letting itself out while she's sleeping.
So, to wrap it up, my girlfriend has an amazing support system now and I couldn't be more proud of her for hitting this head on and working on it. I know it's something that isn't going to heal itself over night, obviously but for 2 months, I think she's done a damn good job.
TL;DR: Girlfriend finally found the help she really needed.
[UPDATE] Me[28M/F] with my 8mo gf[26M/F] wants me to get rid of my cat. I want to dump her.
So, for the past 24hrs I've slowly been making sure my stuff is back in my apartment from her house, and even dropping off some of her crap in my backpack (very stealthy!).
I spent the night over at her place, but I wasn't feeling great (i have a slightly pulled groin from work)... She was pretty intent on sex and it really got her very angry with me, anyways. Like it was aggressive and abusive. I was a 'stupid fucking asshole' and... yessssss the crazy you guys warned me about came out.
I told her "You know, its 100% fine with me when you're not interested in sex, right? Why can't you show the same respect to MY body when i'm fucking hurt in my groin!?"
BOOM! The words "It's not only that..." came out. She unleashed a verbal tirade about minor things that she claimed was neglectful of her. Apparently I dont care because I didn't ask her what she wanted at the grocery store. I felt sort of bad until half-way through the tirade until I remembered something... Jokingly (while slightly frustrated) that she kept saying IDK to whatever food I asked her about, and teasing about how she couldn't tell me what type of juice she liked.
I finally stuck up to her. I unleashed into her about how she just fabricates things in her head. I asked her a million times what food she liked, or what she wanted in each freaking aisle, but instead she answered IDK.
"I don't know, I don't know! It's always I dont know, then you throw it in my face for not knowing? I'm asking because I wanted to fucking know- in fact the only thing you seem to fucking know is that you want me to kill my cat!? for what!? this happy little verbal tirade over me tearing a piece of tissue next to my balls, and not being able to have sex!?"
I picked up my back pack, unzipped it - and dumped her clothes and underwear all over her couch. "I've been thinking about this quite some time - you're dumped, bitch."
Her jaw dropped. "you can't do that".... "yes, yes, I can - and i'm doing it right now, you're acting insane. this is insane. and your demands are insane." (in the calmest voice I can), and I walk out of there peacefully, and gently close the door.
So - walking away from her apartment she's screaming and yelling crap at me. Keep walking. By the time i'm out the elevator and out front she's on the balcony screaming horrible crap at me in front of EVERYONE. I'm apparently dickless. then I had a dick, and it was small. Then I was a faggot. Then she yelled "he tried to rape me!" - I HAD TO FUCKING STOP AND SAY SOMETHING.
I turned around, walked back calmly (and slowly with my cane) - smiled and said "DId you just say a gay man with no dick tried to rape you!? That has got to be the dumbest shit i've ever heard? Its obvious to everyone staring why you were dumped. get over it!" walked-off and said nothing more.
I hard some laughter, saw some gawkers, and this group of students(?) (guys and girls) were cheering me on as i was walking off. Even the girls "yeah buddy! you're da man! don't take that crap off a girl like that! woo!" lol one girl even taunted her and yelled "Does that mean he's single now, hun!?"
craziest and best breakupstory ever!
dumped her. she went nuts. caused a scene. I walked off and was cheered by people staring.
I dedicate this song to her
He [24m] has been incredible through everything.
I [20f] found out that my cancer is back, and I've been having a really rough time lately. We had a pregnancy scare, which is thankfully over now. It's been a rough couple of months, and we've been long distance for about 5 months now. He is absolutely amazing though. He drives down here whenever he can to see me, and even just when I cry and ask him to. He is so good to me. My boyfriend has been incredible through all of this. He's supportive, helpful, and amazing. He takes such good care of me, and I want to give back.
I don't really have money to spend on gifts, but if I did, I don't think it would mean as much to him as something that I worked hard on and put a lot of thought into. After thinking about it, I know that I want to make him a CD of recorded songs that I've sang. I'm not sure which songs to do, so some input on that would be great! Any other suggestions are very much appreciated.
I want to put together a great big care package to send him. I think that everything in it should be made by me. I know I'll make the CD, and probably include a letter. I want all of this to last, especially if there are complications with my surgeries, or I don't beat the cancer this time. I want him to be able to remember me. I love him so much.
tl;dr What can I include in a homemade care package to my man?
Edit: Okay guys, you had some excellent ideas! So far, here's what I'm going to go with:
-CD with Your Song, Next to You, As Long as You Wait For Me, Chelsea Dagger (because it's our favorite), 1234, Such Great Heights, My Valentine, I can't help falling in love with you, A Thousand Miles, Your Call, Bittersweet Symphony (cause we're 90's kids!), Slide (My all time favorite song!), Dream a Little Dream of Me, You and I, Her Diamonds and Let Love In.
-A Jar full of tiny papers with memories, affirmations, and cute little sayings, so that he can open one every day that he doesn't see me.
-A couple of jars of cupcakes, like this.
-A picture of the time we did a little photo shoot on the side of a cliff at my parent's cabin, framed and decorated by me
-A whole bunch of 'open when' letters. I will probably do open when you miss me, open when we haven't seen each other in a month, open when things are getting rough, open when i'm going into surgery, and a few morbid open when's in case something happens to me.
-A mini scrapbook with movie tickets, pictures, etc.
-A handwritten letter that he is to open right when he gets the package, telling him how much I love and appreciate him, and how he is my Superman. [Except really I would say Batman, because fuck Superman.]
-Homemade beef jerky, because I just got a dehydrator and he LOVES that shit.
-A video of me, sitting and talking to him (especially since I'm still pretty healthy and have a full head of long hair).
-A crocheted scarf, with our initials on it.
-A few CD's from bands we like, for him to listen to in the car. He goes driving a LOT, especially when he's stressed out. I get the feeling that now that the cancer is back, this will happen more often.
-A manly corded bracelet made by me, that can be used as survival gear.
-One of my nerdy t-shirts, after I've slept in it and sprayed some of my perfume on it.
-Redeemable boyfriend coupons (I love making these!) in a little book
-One of these with all of his favorite candies.
I'm still looking for more ideas, but I think this is a great start! Thank you all for your input!
[UPDATE] I  found my husband's  pictures of a naked coworker
So, it's been two months since I found the pics. A lot has happened, so I'm going to summarize.
I left. I moved in with my uncle, watched every episode of Community, and ate a fair amount of chocolate. My husband and I talked every day, and he apologized a lot. After a couple weeks, I decided to give it another try. We went to couple's counseling, talked every day, and things really seemed to be getting better.
I started to think maybe things weren't getting better as I thought. I found out he still had her phone number saved on his phone. He kept his phone on silent and with him at all times, just like he did when I was becoming suspicious. He admitted that they were not just friends, that they slept together multiple times, and she had been to the apartment while we were separated. He also admitted to cheating on me with a different girl last August, and his weak defense was that he was on ecstasy. He started throwing tantrums every time I acted suspicious, sad, or just wanted to talk. He refused to change his phone number, and sometimes the girl would call him upwards of thirty times a day. She said she was in love with him and would kill herself if they couldn't be together.
He finally changed his phone number. She went insane, and started coming by the apartment and ringing the doorbell multiple times, knocking on the windows, and slipping notes under the front door. Then she suddenly stopped. I was relieved at first, but then he started going on long drives every day (like 6 hours), going to the movies by himself, never answering his phone when I wasn't there.
Finally, on Tuesday, I woke up early and was wandering around the house. I knew something was still very wrong. I happened upon his camera, and yeah, I snooped. I had to reason to trust him. He had pictures of them playing with our dog from Sunday, when I was out of town visiting my aunt. I remembered that he had an SD card he always kept in his wallet. On it, I found more pictures from the last month of her in sexy lingerie, selfies of them kissing, and like 20 shots of her ass in a thong.
Clearly, that was the last straw. He woke up to me packing my clothes, he begged me to stay and talk, but I left. I've moved in with my mom and am looking for a better job. I gave him every chance, and he really fucking blew it. That girl is an idiot. She once asked him who the president of England is, and she's fucked like three other guys since they've been together. I've been tested, and I'm clean, thank God. I know he can't be really happy with her, but he chose her, and honestly, I'm happier now that I left than I was the whole time I was trying to make it work.
That said, I'm really glad I did try. For anyone else in this situation, if you aren't sure you can leave, there is nothing wrong with really trying to fix it. If I hadn't, I would have always wondered if I made the right choice. Now I know I gave it my very best, and it didn't work, and it isn't my fault. Now I know I'll never go back to him, I won't keep holding on to the memory of our happiness, and I'm truly free. I hope this story can help someone.
tl;dr Yeah, he fucked her, he told me we could try to work it out, he kept fucking her, I left. I'm glad I tried to work it out, despite the fact that it didn't in the end.
Update 2: I (24m) think my girlfriend (23f) might be trying to secretly get pregnant
I wanted to give you guys another update, but also I would like to thank you all for the support and advice you have given me. It helped me gain a sense of direction and understand how to proceed after my confrontation with my ex the other night.
Anyway, that next day (Wednesday) I decided that I should first tell my parents and close friends what had happened in case she decided to try and slander me. Needless to say, they were all shocked and maybe a little hesitant to believe things were really as bad as I said, but they told me they would support me and help me any way that they could. I’m glad I did this now because my step-father was able to recommend an attorney to me, which I wound up contacting immediately.
I was able to meet with him (the attorney) that same day and informed him of the situation, and he said that the first step would be to find out if she really was pregnant and then we could discuss more about custody and legal action once we were sure. We talked some more about me contacting her to tell her that we definitely were over and if I could confront her about the validity of the ultrasound and pregnancy, and he told me that would be fine, given that I did not get into a physical confrontation with her or do anything stupid. He also told me that I might had better take a witness along just in case she claimed I tried to rape her or assault her.
After I finished up at my attorney’s office, I went and got a couple different pregnancy tests and then called up my ex. I told her that I had been too hasty the other night, and I was just shocked and caught by surprise and wanted her to forgive me for acting so childishly. (I was a little conflicted about being so disingenuous, but I wasn’t sure how she would respond after I had been ignoring her.) I asked her if I could come by and talk, and she told me that she would really like that. I then called up a friend of mine and asked if he would come with me, so I picked him up and we drove over to her place. I asked him to give me a few minutes to talk to her about the ultrasound, and then I would come back to get him. (I thought that maybe she wouldn’t let me look at the ultrasound or would tell me to leave if I seemed confrontational.)
Anyway, I talked to her a few minutes and tried to seem contrite, and then I asked to see the ultrasound photo. She brought it to me, and it didn’t have her name on it or any of her information. It was just a plain ultrasound photo, and I remembered some of you told me that it should have her name and information on it. I talked some about the photo and asked her if the procedure was uncomfortable and if they rubbed something on her stomach. She confirmed that they did, which I also remembered was incorrect. After this, I confronted her and told her that she had been clearly lying to me because of these inconsistencies.
She said that I didn’t know what I was talking about and that she “forgave me” and knew I would “love being married and being a father” once I stopped worrying. I told her I needed to get something from the car and that I would be back.
I returned with the pregnancy tests and my friend and told her that, if she really was pregnant, all she had to do was take these tests, and then we could go from there. She, at first, refused to do this and told me that I was being "cruel" to her and the baby. I told her that I just wanted to make sure that she was pregnant, since there were so many things that didn’t make sense. I then told her that unless she did this we were over and that I would never see her again. She finally agreed to take one, and I insisted that she do it in front of me--like many of you suggested. We had another mini-fight about this, and she accused me of not trusting her. Long story short, I finally got her to agree to do this by repeating that I would not have anything to do with her unless she did this.
I can’t say I was, at this point, surprised that the first test came back negative. She insisted that this was an error, so I got another one of the tests and told her to try again. This caused another mini-fight, and she only agreed after I repeated my threat to leave her. This test also came out negative, and she again tried to claim that it was also an error. I told her that she had been lying all along and that she never was pregnant.
I told her that we were finished and that I never wanted her to contact me again, which caused her to beg me not to leave her. She promised me that she would change and that she would do whatever it took to get me back. She also said that it was my fault she had to be so deceitful because I was so scared of settling down and kept wanting to wait. I was then informed by her that I didn't "understand how much joy a baby could bring into our lives."
I told her that I had loved her and tried to make her happy and that she could have had me (and children with me) if she would have waited, but I couldn’t be with her ever again after the way she had lied to me and treated me. I also told her that having a child is a huge responsibility and that she needs to learn not to idealize it so. I left after that and haven’t talked with her since. I plan to talk to my lawyer about whether or not I need to get confirmation from a doctor that she isn’t pregnant and if there's anything else I should do to protect myself.
Once again, thank you all so much for your advice. I have certainly learned a lesson from all this and will never again trust a girl when she says she is using birth control.
tl;dr: I thought my girlfriend was secretly trying to get pregnant, and she was. However, as it turns out, she lied to me about being pregnant and really isn't.
Update: I (24m) think my girlfriend (23f) might be trying to secretly get pregnant.
This post is an update to another post I made a few days ago, which can be seen if you follow this link. http://www.reddit.com/sub/relationships/comments/1g03hb/i_24m_think_my_girlfriend_23f_might_be_tr...
Anyway, so, as I told you guys, I had a conversation with my girlfriend last night about some of her recent behavior (wanting me to finish inside her, offering to buy condoms for me, talking excessively about babies and the like, etc.) and also about the concerns (she was trying to get pregnant) that I was having about these things and our relationship, and it did not go very well—to say the least.
I started off by telling her that I felt like we had been having problems communicating lately and maybe this had led us to have a misunderstanding about where we felt we were going. I then told her that I felt like maybe in our conversations about our future together I had made her think that my unwillingness to settle down was a sign I was still looking around or didn’t want to commit to her, when it really was just my belief that we should use this time to grow closer and work on our relationship. However, I let her know that I wanted to marry her (and have a family with her), but that I just didn’t feel ready for those things yet. I didn’t want to be hostile, so I first tried to reassure her of my commitment to her before I confronted her about trying to possibly get pregnant in secret. This is the point where our conversation started to go badly.
I then questioned her about why she had been so concerned lately with babies. Was it because several people we know have just recently gotten pregnant or had babies? Or was there something else that had caused this development? She became defensive at first saying that “all girls think about babies a lot,” but I eventually got her to admit that these pregnancies had made her think more about having a child and realize how badly she wanted one now. I told her that I understood how powerful this urge was but that I felt very strongly neither of us was ready to have a child and that we should wait, which was where things really got bad. She said something like “we love each other, so would it be so terrible if we have a baby now since we plan to someday?” I told her that the timing wasn’t right and that I was becoming increasingly concerned that maybe she wasn’t trying as hard not to get pregnant and brought up some of the reasons why (see previous post). I said that I had talked about this with some other people (you guys) and that they, too, thought it seemed like she might almost be trying to get pregnant.
Here, she started crying and said that I was being selfish and wouldn’t even consider having a baby now. She then said that she loved me and wanted my baby and felt like I was scared and had no legitimate reasons for waiting, so she admitted to “taking matters into her own hands” in order to give me the “push” I needed to marry her and start a family. This is the point in the conversation where she told me that I may not have a choice in waiting to have a baby and then said she was pregnant (I think she told me she was around 6 weeks, but I was so angry/hurt/shocked that I don’t remember). I asked her if she knew for sure, and she said that she has been to her OB/GYN to confirm it and didn’t tell me because she wanted to see how I would react to the idea.
I think at this point we both were in tears. I accused her of manipulating me and deceiving me, and she told me that this baby was “the best thing for us.” She then went and got the ultrasound photo or something and tried to show it to me, but I told her I need to think--which led her to hug me and say that “what’s done is done” and that there was “no point in me trying to fight it,” as she was not going to get an abortion.
I left after that and haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know if there is anything I can do at this point, but if she has the baby, I will be the best dad I can be. As for our relationship, I can’t imagine that I could ever be with her again given that she broke my trust. I suppose the moral of the story is to always wear condoms and never take for granted that a girl is using her birth control—no matter how much you trust her.
tl;dr: I though my girlfriend was secretly trying to get pregnant, and it turns out she was (and is now pregnant).
EDIT: I can't thank you guys enough for all the advice, information, and support that you all have given me. I feel much more confident about making decisions going forward. For the record, I intend to contact an attorney today (June 12) just in case she is pregnant, and I then plan to call her and insist she take a home pregnancy test (but I will also contact her doctor's office to also confirm whether or not she is pregnant) and make sure she understands that we have no future together. We'll see what happens from there.
(UPDATE) Beeped in on a really bad conversation with my[M17] sister[F20] and her boyfriend[M20's]
I wanted to make an update because there were so many replies and thank you guys for letting me know its ok to go to my parents with this.
My dad wasnt home when I got up this morning but my sister was already out of the house so it was just me and mom. I asked her if we could talk about my sister and I told her everything I heard on the phone. She started crying and said she was afraid something was happening because my sister had been acting so "weird" lately but she didnt think it would be something like that.
She called my dad and asked him to come home. I told him everything I had heard and then they called my sister. She was with her boyfriend, no surprise there, but they told her it was a family emergency and asked if they could come to the house.
Her and her boyfriend got here and as soon as they came in the house it was obv. theyd been fighting again. I thought my dad was gonna sock him as soon as he came through the door but he didnt. My parents asked them to come in to the living room and talk and told me to go upstairs. I didnt, just waited in the kitchen.
They talked to them for a little bit and told them THEY were the ones listening in on the convo (my sister knows thats bulshit but she kept her mouth shut) and told them they wouldnt be allowed to see each other anymore.
The boyfriend started defending himself and saying it wasn't any of their business what he talked to their daughter about because shes an adult. This pissed my dad off, and I heard him start yelling and he told him "I have the conversation recorded. If you come anywhere near my house or my daughter again, you'll be arrested." It was all loads of bullshit but I know the boyfriend probably didnt know that. he starts apologizing to my dad and said hed never actually hit her.
That made my dad even angrier and said he didnt see the differerence in hitting her or saying he would hit her, it was all abuse and he wanted him gone. MY sister just sat there crying.
They finally told the guy to leave and threatened him again with cops. and my dad said if he ever laid a hand on my sister he'd go through the cops and kill him himself.
I could see him leave from in the kitchen and he looked scared shitless. I went back upstairs to type this up. I hope everything will be okay now, i heard my sister come back upstairs and i can hear her crying. I dont want her to hate me but I dont want her dead either.
Thanks for the help you guys.. talking to my parents was the right thing to do and i shouldve have went to them immediately.
TL;DR: Told my parents about sis's abusive boyfriend, parents called a family meeting with her and her boyfriend, dad went apeshit on the boyfriend.