Nottheonion nottheonion

Elon Musk Promises He Isn’t Secretly Creating a Zombie Apocalypse

Elon Musk Promises He Isn’t Secretly Creating a Zombie Apocalypse

That sounds like what someone who was secretly creating the zombie apocalypse would say.

..... because really zombies are inefficient killing machines. Now vampires, that's an apocalyptic mutation worth investing in!

Well, why not God dammit? I want my apocalypse! Today's billionaires, I tell ya. No respect for a good evil plot.

I think a more reliable info would be to know if he winked while saying it or not

A Zimbabwean Priest Who Attempted to “Walk on Water Like Jesus” is Eaten By Crocodiles

A Zimbabwean Priest Who Attempted to “Walk on Water Like Jesus” is Eaten By Crocodiles
A Zimbabwean Priest Who Attempted to “Walk on Water Like Jesus” is Eaten By Crocodiles

“He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten.”

In all fairness, he absolutely did demonstrate his faith. Unfortunately, his faith was stronger than his capacity for rational thought.

This is still (don't crucify me): fake news.

This is like, its third iteration. Every year someone republishes this fake story for clicks with nearly the same names.

https://www.snopes.com/pastor-eaten-by-crocodiles/

The only miracle is that he managed to survive into adulthood.

By the way, why not try to recreate some of the non-deadly miracles? Maybe try your hand at turning water into wine or multiplying some loaves rather than just leaping right into the superhero stuff.

Isn't it beautiful how "Christians" all the way in Africa are no different from those here in America?

U.S. government ordered to solve 'Case of the Incredible Shrinking Airline Seat'

U.S. government ordered to solve 'Case of the Incredible Shrinking Airline Seat'
U.S. government ordered to solve 'Case of the Incredible Shrinking Airline Seat'
U.S. government ordered to solve 'Case of the Incredible Shrinking Airline Seat'
U.S. government ordered to solve 'Case of the Incredible Shrinking Airline Seat'

“The judge rejected the FAA’s argument that seat size was unimportant to getting off the plane in an emergency." - I wonder who could be behind or influencing the FAA for making such nonsense assertion.

I'm a relatively tall woman (5'11") and air travel is a goddamn nightmare because I just don't have enough room for my legs. My knees push into the seat in front of me and after hour three, it sucks. I can only imagine how much worse it is for people bigger/taller than me.

There’s no mystery here. Shrinking seats = more seats per plane which = more tickets. CASE SOLVED.

And I’ll add that people have repeatedly and continuously voted with their wallets that price is the only thing that matters for tickets, so instead of competing on amenities, the airlines are forced to compete in a race to the bottom. Thank you cheap consumerism.

Syphilis-ridden 18th century mummy is relative of Boris Johnson

Syphilis-ridden 18th century mummy is relative of Boris Johnson
Syphilis-ridden 18th century mummy is relative of Boris Johnson

Another hit piece from the mainstream media, I see. Despite the tenuous genetic link, they can't help but drag the reputation of an otherwise respectable syphilitic 18th century mummy through the mud by linking her with Boris Johnson.

The perfect comment.

This is the first time I've ever actually laughed out loud reading a headline! It's just so perfectly absurd and official at the same time!

I didn't realise Margaret Thatcher was born that long ago

Roy Moore goes back to supporters asking for money to battle sexual abuse accuser in court

Roy Moore goes back to supporters asking for money to battle sexual abuse accuser in court
Roy Moore goes back to supporters asking for money to battle sexual abuse accuser in court

Those dumb fucks will give it to him

I guess if his supports are willing to take the time to burn down an accuser's home, they can probably pony up $$$ blindly as well.

That's the thing. It's always been a scam to maintain wealth and influence. It's the televangelist model transposed to politics.

Get out your checkbooks, “Moore-ons”

White House asks for Van Gogh loan – but museum offers gold toilet instead

White House asks for Van Gogh loan – but museum offers gold toilet instead

This needs to be installed in the Oval Office behind Trump's desk in place of his chair.

A golden shithole.

Trump and first lady Melania had asked to borrow a Van Gogh painting from the museum, but the Guggenheim responded that it could not accommodate the request

Savvy museum knows a Trump would probably "forget" to return item then sue them to drag out recovery for years, so offered something slightly less irreplaceable instead. I'm sure the other item being a gold-plated toilet is simply a coincidence and devoid of any symbolism or metaphor.

Fuck Ajit Pai and the party he spawned from.

I’m sure the utmost professionalism went into the exchange of information but I can’t help but feel this has got to be a dig at how Trump is running America.

Jessica Simpson sued for posting paparazzi photo of herself on Instagram

Jessica Simpson sued for posting paparazzi photo of herself on Instagram

"Hey, you can't post that! I took that from the tree across your house with a telephoto lens!"

Paparazzi are bottom feeding scum. If she had signed a contract prior, as one would in a modelling gig, don't post it on your social media account without permission. But if you go around harassing celebs and taking photos they never asked you to, then yeah fair enough undercut the paparazzi and post that photo of you.

"Where's your respect for a fellow artist?"

decided to sue the former “Newlyweds” star

We just gonna forget that she had a pretty huge music career in the early 2000s?

Russia's Olympic punishment not enough says Dick Pound

Russia's Olympic punishment not enough says Dick Pound
Russia's Olympic punishment not enough says Dick Pound

Huh huh huh dick pound huh huh huh

In Soviet Russia, Dick Pound punish you

I fucking wish my name was Dick Pound.

Came here for this. If you wouldn't have said it I would have.

Susan Collins had senators in bipartisan meetings use talking stick

Susan Collins had senators in bipartisan meetings use talking stick
Susan Collins had senators in bipartisan meetings use talking stick

That's genuinely funny.

"ah ah, now Mitch, do you have the stick?"

looks down "no"

"Then wait your turn"

"Yes ma'am"

The best part of this is that someone interrupted while another senator was talking, so that senator threw the stick, and chipped a glass elephant in the room. So they replaced it with a miniature basketball instead.

"Forcefully delivered the stick across the room"

I'm using this one next time I order pizza from Domino's, and it arrives like it went on a cage match with the Undertaker.

UK Home Office tells stateless man: go home

UK Home Office tells stateless man: go home

The Terminal (2004).

Christ. That's a shit show.

There were attempts at creating a nationality law in Palestine but the leadership couldn't agree on a set of definitions.

The Palestinian National Authority drafted, but did not pass, a piece of legislation in 1995 outlining its Citizenship Law. Article 7 of this legislation defines a Palestinian as anyone who "(1) was a holder of Palestinian citizenship (other than Jews) before 15 May 1948; (2) was born to a Palestinian father; (3) was born in Palestine to a Palestinian mother even if the citizenship of the father is not known; (4) was born in Palestine to unknown parents; and (5) was born outside of Palestine to a Palestinian mother and to a father whose nationality was not known – provided that this person opts for Palestinian citizenship within one year after reaching maturity, that he notifies the minister of interior of his intention to become a Palestinian citizen, that he becomes habitually a resident of Palestine, and that the minister does not object to this applicant within one year from the time he receives the notice from the applicant.

The first problem is the legislation never passed. They never agreed upon the definitions and political conflicts resulted in the law falling through.

The second issue is that the legislation doesn't take into account Palestinians living in refugee situations. (Egypt/Jordan/Syria/etc.) So even if they passed the law, his situation doesn't qualify for what defines a person as a Palestinian according to the Palestinian Authority.

Watched it a few days ago. Great movie.

Try one of these subthreads