Oh, Shit. This Is A Date??!!
Last night, I went out for drinks with a coworker. It took me waaaaayyy too long to realize it was kind of a date and I was real awkward about it.
So, I am a server. Yesterday, I worked a 12-hour double with this dude server. He doesn't talk a lot (English isn't his first language) but he's friendly with me. He and I would joke around a bit during lulls between guests. I've thought he might be a little interested in me, but there had been no major overtures. Also, I think he’s attractive.
We had a fukkin' weird incident with a guest. Afterward, he was like "I'm never gonna forget this day. Also, because I've had fun with you." FIRST MISSED CLUE
He and I close the restaurant with our manager. He asks where I catch the train and it turns out his stop is close to mine. He says "OK. We'll walk together." No bigs. I walk to the train with my coworkers often.
Manager locks the doors, all three of us are standing around outside bullshitting for a few minutes. Dude server goes "We've gotta get going. Goodnight, manager." OKAY HERE’S A SECOND CLUE MA’AM
Dude and I start walking to the train. As we're getting close, he pulls out his phone and says "It's only 11. You wanna get a drink?" I say sure, unthinking. Post-work drinks are a benign thing, right? I've gone out with other servers before. Not one-on-one, no. But, it's cool, babies. Don't worry. This is super normal.
I haven't lived in this city long, so I told him to pick a place. He suggests a bar and we start walking. We're talking and as we approach the bar, he's like "It's a cool place. Quiet. Nice. We can talk." THIRD FUCKING CLUE, IDIOT
He opens all the doors for me. Pulls out my chair. At this point, I'm kind of comprehending what I've gotten myself into, but am not sure I'm right. He and I look at the drink menu, talk about what we're going to order.
The bartender comes over and he orders both our drinks, mine first. I turn to him and say "Oh, you didn't have to order my drink for me. I could've done that."
This poor kid's face turns in on itself like I've just said his grandma had to start stripping to send him birthday money. He shrugs, turns red, and looks away.
IT IS AT THIS MOMENT I FULLY REALIZE THAT I HAVE FUCKED UP. I am on a (surprise to me) half-date and I have just hurt a person's feelings.
I panic (inside), try to back-pedal and thank him. Shit is slightly awkward but pleasant.
Then, he asks if I’m hungry. I’m not, but I tell him to order something if he wants to eat. He orders a sandwich. The bartender brings back two plates (The fucking bartender knew this was date-y. How did I not know this?!?!!) Sandwich arrives and dude will not touch half of it. This kid is young, in good shape (he’s a former bar back) and could obviously eat a whole fucking sandwich on his own. He is clearly leaving the other half for me. I get the hint, and take a couple bites. It’s getting close to last train time, so he asks for the check. Bartender brings it, kid puts down his card, closes the little check thing and slides it across the bar. I insist on splitting the bill. He is like “You ate three bites of the food. You don’t have to pay for that.” I do anyway, and we leave.
We’re going different directions on the train, so we start the goodbye process where the platforms split. He opens his arms and I give him a quick hug. I don’t mind. He’s nice, and like I said, I suspected a bit of a mutual crush has been brewing.
As I’m walking away, I get the urge to look over my shoulder.
And, this part is kind of sweet, he’s walking backwards to his train, watching me walk to my mine and he has this big ol’ goofy smile on his face. So, what do I do? I spin around, FUCKING SALUTE him and then continue on to my train. Jesus Christ.
He and I don’t work together again until Thursday. I will be shocked if he asks me to get drinks this time.
Has anyone else ever, uh, temporarily forgotten how single male/female gender politics generally work? This story is funny to me and I thought I’d share my utter cluelessness with this sub.
Also: disclaimer: I didn’t feel uncomfortable (other than when I did weird shit) or pressured at any point in the evening. I wouldn’t have agreed to get drinks with this coworker if I didn’t want to. I was just a little slow on the uptake of, like, hey: this dude with whom you’ve sensed some latent sexual tension just asked you out, dumb dumb.
Tl:dr A male coworker I think is kinda cute asked if I wanted to get drinks after work. I didn’t pick up on the subtext that it was, perhaps, a date and I made the situation embarrassing for both of us.
Picking out a conservative dress is a lot more depressing than it sounds
I’m looking at all these gorgeous, elegant, moderately balanced between hoe and classy dresses from all sorts of famous brands now for a cousin’s wedding.
We are close friends so I had the freedom to dress as I wish
Yet I can only dream of ever wearing any of them, all thanks to my religious family.
I spend hours and hours digging for a remotely befiting dress for their covering code, over the knees and only half sleeves as max with a covering round neck
An ugly design I’m very unlikely to find amongst those stylish brands, plus it’s summer so you can imagine the likelihood of finding such a dress
Yet here I am frustratedly browsing without any results, instead of getting to feel the joy and excitement that most girls get to have while shopping. I’m feeling like it’s just a another chore to do
I didn’t want them to have their way so I decided to pull off a very shady move
since their code requires full coverage as mostly preferred I will give them just that
With a twist they will hate
I picked out a suit
Yes this year huge brands that make suits for men started making them in smaller sizes for women as a part of their latest lesbians/trans supporting move and I picked out one of them
They can’t stop me and I can see it
they stared into my eyes and I stared back as I quietly tagged it as my final choice
A nonverbal yet unmistakable “fuck you” has been exchanged
It’s a small victory for now but I will get to show my true slut-self someday
Update: I added that I’m friends with the bride so I wasn’t trying to go against the invitation’s clothes requirement.
It was just my parents and siblings who decided that dress code
here is the cursed suit inquisition
I get all of my business/conservative wear from Asian countries. Everything they have looks like it's come straight from a Vogue catalog.
I like your style!
This covers the neck too. All you need is a maxi skirt.
I would probably have just bought a dress I really liked and covered it with some kind of shrug.
But if you look good in pants then you'll be able to wear that suit again and get real use out of it.
I do a lot of shopping at eShakti.com - the dresses are fairly inexpensive and you have the option to change the hem length and the sleeve and neckline for an extra $7.00 or something. They will tailor clothes to your measurements, so you don’t have to worry about them not fitting. I LOVE that place. I’ve bought dresses for work and for wedding there. I’ve NEVER been disappointed.
uncommon opinion, but maybe ask in /sub/hijabis for conservative dresses/fashion? the women there are extremely good at finding modest fashion for any women, religious or not
Just generally happy in life & I wanted to share.
A year and a half ago I was married, pregnant, & miserable. My ex husband controlled every single aspect of my life. I was cut off from friends & family. I had no driver's license, or a car & he wanted me to quit my job so that I would be completely dependent upon him. I kept telling myself the next big thing he does will be my indication to leave & I'm so happy I went through with it. Today, I took my kids out to eat in the car that I paid for with the job that I was able to keep & the license I worked hard to get. Its hard but at the end of the day its worth it & it's nice doing all of the things I was told I would never do on my own.
Edit: I meant to put "genuinely happy" & not "generally happy" its late & I'm tired lol
I'm sitting in the home that I bought for myself with the money from the job that he never wanted me to have. I am so happy for you in your new life. ❤️
Sitting on the back porch of the home I bought by myself after leaving an abusive relationship. Cheers <3
The most important thing to me was to lead by example and have my kids know that it is NOT acceptable or deserved to have someone treat you that way. I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell can change the future. Proud of you, sister.
Who are these asshole husbands?! Sorry you had to go through that. He gives us a bad name.
There’s nothing more satisfying or attractive than seeing my wife accomplish things and be independent.
I like knowing she doesn’t need me but chooses to be with me.
I'm diving head first into my separation tomorrow. I'm terrified, and this helps to read. I'm genuinely happy for you and very proud of you.
My husband was assaulted
Using a throwaway for privacy reasons... like the title says my husband was assaulted and I can’t talk to anyone in my personal life about it right now so I guess I’m just looking for support somewhere and this feels like a safe place.
I don’t want to go into specifics, but early yesterday morning my (25F )husband (29 M) was roofied and sexually assaulted. He went to the ER and has been examined. He has spoken with police and they’ve collected evidence. Both of us spoke to a very helpful counselor who we both plan on speaking to when he is ready.
This man is my best friend, my person, my everything.. I want to know how I can be there for him? I am at a total shock and loss and am still kinda numb to everything I think still.. I just want to support him in the best way I can.
Edit : ages
I'm a rape crisis counsellor and victim's advocate, so I can tell you what I tell others.
Let him choose his own pathway, even if the choice goes against what you think is right (ie withdraws his statement from police.) sexual abuse is about removing people's control and safety, so the biggest rule of thumb is do everything the perpetrator did not. He lost the right to chose, the right to his body, the right to feel safe. So if he wants to do something stupid, your best play is to find the safest way to go through it.
Normalise his feelings when he expresses something. It's normal to be all over the place, feel unsafe and unsure of your own sense of self and identity. Understand if it's what is needed for him, or your need to talk or not talk that might be getting in the way. Not unusual for men to not talk and find other ways to work through. Not unusual for them to get angry and aggressive as a means to "run away," so be prepared for that, and try to know it's unlikely it's about you.
Counselling is not the answer to everyone, going to see a counsellor too early can make things worse. Generally I'd say leave it 6 weeks, only worry about what coping strategies that persist after that time and that he views as a problem. People jump on the counselling wagon too early sometimes, and that can make things worse, not better. It's okay to use a crisis service to check in and get you through the rough times, but not everyone needs the full processing work with a counsellor. Some people can do that on their own. (esp. if they're well supported, and have no previous history of trauma... Though everyone responds so differently!) RAINN has some great online info and services if you're American.
If you do go through court, use those victim advocacy/support services on offer and get them to talk you through the court processes and help liaise with police/courts. They have a different language and it is a soul destroying space. No one gets through it intact, and the victim's voice is easily lost. Get those professionals to do the heavy lifting for you.
Get yourself help. If you feel your partner needs support, but is refusing, it is great for helping you work through the emotions around it. If he discloses stuff about the assault, that can be so heavy to handle, having someone to talk to can help you be the best wife you can be (you already are, btw.) You can only help the ones you love through trauma if you've got your own shit together, and he'll need you. So please think of yourself.
Good luck to you both, he is lucky to have you.
Edit: removed some words, cause damn I talk too much.
I’m sorry about what happened. But your husband did the right thing by going to the ER and talking to the police.
Any idea if you could access camera footage from inside the bar?
Also where were you, and how did he get to the ER? Were you there at the ER? Did you get his wallet to see if items were missing?
Good on you for listening and being there for him!! Far too many cases of male sexual assault get brushed under the rug and dismissed.
You’re already doing it!! Also, I can give one tip:
Just look at him, give him your attention in full and ask, “what do you need from me, right now?”
Even if he doesn’t want anything, that question will help him to feel supported.
Kinda shitty they didn't link any science videos/channels, really wanted to see if there was anything like numberphile or vsauce but I'm too lazy to waddle through gaslighting embedded video to find something interesting.
Water is wet
From the Research's method section, BrainScoop’s recommended list of female STEM channels that were presented in the video ‘Where My Ladies At?' seemed to be a good starting point to sample some of the videos.
The links are in the video description:
I'm not surprised. YouTube comment sections were LONG dismissed as an online trashcan. My recycle bin has more substance than a YouTube comment section.
So this is bad, but nowhere near surprising to anyone
Every Federalist Society-linked Supreme Court Justice has approved of every restriction on abortion that has come up before the Supreme Court.
That includes waiting periods (requiring extra travel and appointments), mandates that doctors read anti-abortion propaganda to patients, spousal notification, and clinic restrictions that force closures.
Kennedy did not approve of -all- of these restrictions, so some of them are not permitted... for now.
The court now has four Federalist Society linked justices and Kavanaugh would be the fifth. The Federalist Society has groomed him for decades. They listed him for a reason.
Somebody will come along shortly to say WellActually, Roe is -technically- in effect, even if the deep south and the plains states forced all their clinics closed. But does that really matter?
Even today, many women live far from the few clinics remaining in rural states. In plenty of cases, it's a 4 hour drive (or more) each way to a clinic and the states require her to have two appointments there, days apart. The purpose of these laws and limitations is to make abortion functionally inaccessible, even if not totally illegal.
There is good reason to believe Kavanaugh would permit even harsher restrictions -- even if he wouldn't overturn Roe completely (and, for the record, I believe he would reverse it as soon as he can).
Surprise! The people saying he would "respect precedent" and not vote to permit harsh, insurmountable restrictions know better.
Well, in the same speech he also praises Rehnquist for trying to allow law enforcement to use illegally-obtained evidence. So I'm gonna say he doesn't care so much about process, either.
Here's the original video, which the LA times article doesn't link:
I've decided to be brave and testify against my ex who raped me
I just need somewhere to vent. I need counseling and am looking into it, but until then I just need to post this and get it out of my head to people who can maybe understand a little. I want to so badly tell the whole story here, but I know that wouldn't be smart at this stage since the trial hasn't even begun, and he is pleading not guilty. I just wanted to say I feel proud of myself for having the courage to do this. At first I wasn't going to testify and was going to let him go free, but it's been months since the event happened and I have a clearer mind. Bottom line what he did was wrong, and whether the courts find him guilty or not guilty, at least I tried and can finally say for once I'm doing something for myself. I always feel bad for others over myself, and even felt bad for him and that he was going through this for a time, and I felt bad for his family who were begging me not to press charges.
But I've realized now. What he did was wrong, and it made me reflect on the relationship. How I could never really tell him 'no' because he would ask again, then beg, then touch me anyway until I just gave in and learned not to say 'no' since it was pointless. I didn't know at the time that this wasn't right. If he could realize, whether through jail time, counseling, etc, that what he did to me was wrong and his views on sex are completely wrong, then I would be more at peace. If he walks away without punishment right now, and without me at least trying, there's a chance he could do this to another woman. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he did this to someone else again, and that single thought gives me enough courage to go forward with my decision.
Thanks for reading.
edit: wwooowww I did not expect this to blow up and so fast. I just wanted to say since I probably won't do it individually, thank you all so much for the support and kind words. <333 And to anyone who is dealing with or dealt with something similar, please make sure you talk to someone to get the help you need and deserve, whether that is a counselor or just a friend. You don't deserve to deal with something so traumatic and then just bottle it up inside. If you want to be anonymous feel free to DM me!! I will listen.
Thanks for the gold!! <33
edit2: I want to edit this again because people are confusing my "I could never tell him no" part of the story with the actual rape. I did not detail or describe the actual rape event in this post. Him being a pushy bf who could not take no for an answer is not what I'm taking him to court for. The actual rape was much worse and we were broken up for a few weeks, and that's all I will say.
If you're feeling nervous at any point, just imagine a room full of supportive people around you, because we're there in spirit.
You got this, we know you're strong even when you don't feel it.
You are a good person.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be safe.
Good luck sister, you got this!
Almost cried at work reading this. Thank you so much. I will try to remember!
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Pooh.
"What the bear said." - Me
I am so glad you have the opportunity, as difficult as it may be, to be in court and testify. I never got the chance. Every struggle is a gift in disguise. You are amazing.
Is this the new "I'm not racist, I have a black friend!"?
Donald trump has wives and daughters, literally everyone has a mother. Being around women doesn’t make you a feminist
That "black friend" is almost always a proxy acquaintance that is frequently told "you're not like the other black people."
Not making a direct comparison with Kavanaugh; but the point is affirmed in that Taliban men also have wives and daughters
The entire reason they aren't providing medical care to pregnant women is probably because they don't want these babies to be born on American soil because they would then be American citizens.
Evil, vile motherfuckers.
I know this isn’t the point of this thread at all, but if they are holding pregnant some in some facility and they have a child there, the child is an American citizen right?
I can't wait for the pro-life Evangelical crowd to rise up and demand that every woman be protected from such things, because this is murder.
.... crickets ...
Can we now finally start to make Nazi comparisons to the current US administration?
Ectopic pregnancy leads to abortion shaming...
Two weeks ago I landed in the emergency room. I thought my appendix may be bursting, I was in easily the worst pain of my life. My blood work revealed I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and it seemed to be an ectopic pregnancy, where the egg is fertilized in the fallopian tube. The cells were growing in the tube, which was what was causing the pain. These are unviable pregnancies, there is no chance the baby can survive. After I heard my options I said I wanted an injection that would terminate the pregnancy. I couldn't believe all the raised eyebrows. I was asked by multiple doctors if I was sure, if I wanted time to think about it, if I wanted to talk it over with my husband. My OB works at the hospital and came to see me, (she delivered my daughter 19 months ago). She said " We both know your body is perfectly capable of producing beautiful, healthy babies", so she thought we should wait. She also told me that if I got the injection and it didn't work, the baby would certainly have defects and I would have to have a surgical abortion under medical law. I was shocked.This is not a baby, it's a cluster of cells that cannot possibly grow into a baby located in a place in the body that IS NOT FOR GROWING BABIES. Ectopic pregnancy can lead to the fallopian tube rupturing which can be fatal. It is extremely dangerous. I felt like I was being stabbed to death, even morphine was not touching the pain. My blood pressure was sky high and I was doubled over. Am I a walking miracle? Am I going to be the first woman in history to have an ectopic pregnancy that leads to a healthy child? That's what we are putting our money on?
I wanted to share this experience because it left me flabbergasted and more than a little angry. This was a case when abortion is medically necessary to save the life of the mother, IF you can even call it an abortion at all. Suddenly there was a hard choice to be made and guilt and shame that needed to be felt? Fuck. That. Noise.
EDIT: Thank you guys for being so supportive and kind! I want to clear up a few questions. I was in the ER twice, the first time they told me I was pregnant, and I was presenting as ectopic (abdominal pain, severe vaginal bleeding), however they could not see the pregnancy in the fallopian tube or in the uterus. A doctor told me I should have an injection to terminate a possible ectopic pregnancy, I said that was what I wanted. A different doctor came to see me and told me since they could not see anything on the ultrasound I should go home and wait. They gave me pain meds and a strainer to check my urine in case I was possibly passing a kidney stone. I was told to come back if the pain worsened or I had any vomiting or fever.
Two days later I started vomiting uncontrollably and the pain was still there (even with the oxycodone) so I went back to the ER. A second ultrasound showed the pregnancy in the fallopian tube. Yet another doctor was horrified when I explained what happened on my first visit and laughed out loud when I mentioned the kidney stone theory, she said "If it looks like an ectopic pregnancy and presents like an ectopic pregnancy, we should treat it like an ectopic pregnancy." She was concerned enough to call me at home the next day to see how I was doing and provided her personal cell if I had any questions or complications.
My takeaway from this is that when these things happen, you have to be your own biggest advocate. Listen to your body and trust yourself, don't be afraid to disagree with a doctor, and please don't let someone shame or convince you into not doing what is best for you.
My mother had two healthy children (my sister and I), and then an ectopic pregnancy which was misdiagnosed as a yeast infection.
Her doctor did not listen or care that she thought it was something else. They told her to go home.
She ended up with internal hemorrhaging, and almost bled to death on our bathroom floor while 3 year old me tried to help her and hold her hand.
Before they life flighted her to the hospital, they told my dad to take her wedding rings because most likely she would be dead upon arrival.
She survived, but lost over half her blood and has a scar bisecting her entire abdominal cavity where they had to slit her open to search for the source of the bleeding.
Fuck. That. Doctor.
Get a new one, and write a review to warn other mothers-to-be away. Things like this are why maternal mortality is so high in the U.S. There is no excuse for this kind of of malpractice.
and then an ectopic pregnancy which was misdiagnosed as a yeast infection.
What kind of incompetent fucking moron. They give these people medical degrees and licenses to practice. I have no words.
FWIW I am glad your mom survived, even if I’m sorry she experienced that.
I live in bay area California, arguably one of the most hippy dippy woman friendly places on earth.
It was 24 years ago in rural Texas.
Honestly, even if they had correctly diagnosed it, odds are the doctor would have told my mom the same thing OP's doctor said.
I have no idea how these people get medical degrees. Or why fetal cells are so much more important than keeping a mom alive for her existing "healthy, beautiful babies".