Would buy. 10/10

Would buy. 10/10
Here you go.

Blur all the text a little so it looks real.

"I think Big foot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Big Foot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside."

Kids these days have it so easy, they just post a video on YouTube. In my day we had to make tapes

"I'm against picketing... but I don't know how to show it".

'Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.'

Genesis 19:8

Barely audible aside: For real? This is some fucked up shit.

Photoshop Level: MS Paint

I recommend the audiobook “God Is Disappointed In You” for a sensible take on the Bible:

“In the beginning, God was lonely. So he did what most single men try to do. Meet people. Problem was, there weren’t any. So he decided to become a first time pet owner...”

The tone of the narrator in the audio version is glorious.

Would help if they matched fonts too.

And get rid of the white box behind the text that doesnt match the color of the tape.

After seeing too many "John 3:16" placards at sports events, I went looking for a more interesting 3:16 in the bible... and found 1 Kings 3:16: "Two prostitutes came before the king."

You kids had it so easy, in my day we had to record on wax cylinders...

"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived" - Isaac Asimov

Ha, joke's on you, got an atheist teen to read The Bible! Your move, atheists.

edit: I dont know if you guys are beating me at the sarcasm game or what but lol.

Yeah, this is done so poorly that I’m starting to suspect that no one ever published a real tape that was the Bible being read in a condescending voice by a 14 year old atheist.

Sounds like that king knows his way around the bedroom.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Psht you kids had it too easy. In my day we spent all our time trying to divide our single cell so we could look like boobs.

A banana is like a stoplight but in reverse. Green means stop, yellow means go, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at

I like my sandwiches cut two times.

Me too.

Well let's form a club.

At the end of all my letters, I write, "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

You kids had it so easy, in my day we had to use mud and write on cave walls

Here, I done fixed it for real.


EDIT 3: I also made the obligatory repost.


EDIT 3: I also made the obligatory repost.

I never had a god-complex until he was described as a desperate lonely man who'll settle for the unconditional love of an innocent animal.


It would be funny if he started converting halfway through

Except for those times when it is super seriously meant to be taken literally because it fits their agenda.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I haven't slept for 10 days... because that would be too long.

This would be a hilarious trend to start. Pick an offensive or inappropriate bible verse and get it on tv at an event. People look it up and laugh. Or the religious shake their heads in embarrassment.

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God"

Oh that's not literal... Can't apply to me.

"Gay is wrong"


This shirt is "dry-clean only", which means it's.. dirty.

Genesis 19:8

Oh yeah -- that was Lot. Lot ends up fleeing the city with wife and two daughters. City gets destroyed, wife turns into a pillar of salt and the two daughters end up sleeping with their dad so that they can 'continue the family line'. Nice and wholesome.

I used to miss Mitch.

I still do, but I used to, too.

and by the end he was an extremist

Genesis 19: 31-32 

Then the firstborn said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man in the land to sleep with us as is the custom of all the land. Come, let’s get our father to drink wine so that we can sleep with him and preserve our father’s line.”

Snicker, snicker, chuckle, chuckle...

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Psht you kids had it too easy. In my day we just wrote in the dirt with our fingers. Mostly shapes an stuff

My folks had a Bible on tape when I was a kid. 

It was 48 cassettes.

Edit: this set

My folks had a Bible on tape when I was a kid.

It was 48 cassettes.


"And then Jesus took a weekend vacation to Heaven where he talked with his dad."

'No one can fuck my strange guests. However, I have two beautiful virgin daughters, you may have them instead. Do unto them whatever you want. Really, whatever you can think of. Just please, go nuts.'

What's your position on frilly toothpicks?

You are funny.

The religious will mention that it isn't meant to be taken literally!

Joke's on you! Reading the bible is what makes them atheists!

wife turns into a pillar of salt

for fucking glancing back! GLANCING!!

damn god you harsh af

I'm for 'em!

Mitch Hedberg.

Oh man I wished I saved the comment I made years ago about all the weird stories I could think of from the bible that most people don't even know about. There is some insane stuff in there. Like if you told them to a christian they would be like, what the fuck are you reading to me?

One story has daughters getting their father drunk so they can rape him and get pregnant.

Another has a guy give his sex slave to a gang to be raped to death outside his tent, then he cuts her in to twelve pieces when he retrieves her dead body the next day.

Another has the famous king david collecting hundreds of foreskins in a bag to impress a guy so he can marry his daughter. The implication being non-israelites had foreskins so that means he had killed all these guys from other tribes and cut off their penis.

Later King David has his commander and friend killed so that he can take his wife because David saw her bath and thought she was hot. (yes David had multiple wives and sex slaves because that is what traditional marriage is)

Several times when Israel conquers another local tribe god commands them to kill all the women, children, and even their animals so there is nothing left of them. Sometimes god tells them it is ok to keep the children as sex slaves. (concubines as the book likes to call them. Those were real popular in the old testament)

Oh yeah in another place god gives instructions on how it is OK to take slaves from other tribes. You just can't take slaves from israel. Unless they own you money, then they can be your slave for 7 years.

Another talks about a woman lusting after penises that were the size of donkey penises and had emissions of a horse.

God has a bear maul 40 children to death because they made fun of a guy for being bald.

God commands to murder gay people.

The bible lists a test for a woman that is faithful. The priest gives the woman a potion of dirt from his floor and makes her drink it. If the woman has been unfaithful she will get sick and abort her baby. If she is faithful nothing with happen. The only place the bible mentions abortion is a recipe to kill children.

The bible explains that if you want striped animals you can get them by tying two ribbons of different colors together, and then having the animals mate while looking at the two ribbons.

Humans decided to build a tower (in Babel) so high that it would reach in to heaven. God became afraid that they would find him so he made each of them speak a different language so they would be confused and stop their project. This is how multiple languages came about according to the bible.

There are two sets of 10 commandments in the bible. The only set that actually has the phrase "10 commandments" in it is the set that includes laws like do not mix milk and cheese. Somehow Christians never want to put this set up in court houses.

talking donkeys is just the beginning. The book is brutal, filled with genocide, violence, and rape.


Yep. That's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this situation.

Can’t stop looking at that fingernail...


intro on youtube:

Nice nail trimming!

I would pay extra if he said 'huh' after each sentence.


How many cassettes does it take to read the whole Bible, if each side is 44 minutes?

I read it all, now I'm an atheist.

Here is a version that is even more convincing.

Not really unconditional if you have to threaten to chuck them into a fire for all eternity.

Welcome to the club


Old Testament god didn’t screw around. In Exodus 21:21 he’s all good with you beating your slaves; as long as they survive for two days afterwards you’re good to go.



The bible says some messed up shit...

That fingernail is disgusting

The past. Where God was as primitive as the people who made him up.

That also goes for 44 minutes

That hits a nerve with me because of vampires. Every vampire movie and book and their mom starts with "forget everything you know about vampires"... and then they still suck blood, can't cross running water, and become dusty if sun or a stake is applied.

So if you wanted me to know they can't be driven off by crosses in your franchise, just say so.

What's also fucked up, is when you have visitors and your neighborhood comes to your house and says give them to us we wanna rape em. That happens earlier.

No, you see, you don't throw them into the fire, they throw themselves into the fire! I mean, yes, you do the throwing but they basically force you to do it by not following your rules, just like that one time when you had a bunch of pets and they made you really mad with their bad behavior and so you drowned all of the little fuckers except for your favorite pet and you promised that one that you would never do that again and bought him a new rainbow-colored sqeaky toy.

"It was pretty chill, but then that goddamn Simon the Zealot showed up and soured the whole place for him. Jesus could never forgive old Simon for wearing the same sandals as him to the last supper. Simon knew Jesus picked those out special at SandalLocker just for the occasion, who does this guy think he is, the son of God?"

Well did you ever read it? I mean all of it, not just the fun stuff they cherry pick for you in Sunday School.

It's the Old Testament man, that's why in Act 2 God introduced the Jesus NPC to retcon everything before he was born. Granted some fucked up stuff happened after his birth but God was much less of a dick and (most) people weren't assholes.

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”


Pssshhhtt you kids all have it easy, back in my day all we did was eat bananas and fuck our monkey wives

He'd have to read condescendingly and really fast.

Upside down plays in reverse and you hear Satan's Bible.

Photoshop Level: Microsoft Word 97

I wanna be a racecar passenger.

Why we keep going around in circles? Slow down.

Man you must really like Tide

I’m more concerned about covering up that disgusting thumb nail.

Jesus fucking hates figs. Eat fig newtons and go straight to hell.

Side 4

How many ways can this cassette fit in a player?

R.I.P Mitch

The tree is a metaphor for the house of Israel. A fig tree brings forth fruit before leaves, so a leafy tree would be expected to have fruit. It represents the Jews in Christ's time who gave off an outward appearance of righteousness, but inwards lacked any of the fruits that would come from truly living the law of Moses. For that they would be destroyed, just as the tree was.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, only ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience’

What are these quotes from. Sorry I'm ootl apparently.

Could've gotten a better result just by doing the entire scene in CG to be honest

This is the second post in a row that has had a bunch of Mitch Herbert jokes in the comments. What a great night, haha.

Edit: no idea why I wrote “Herbert,” going to leave it. It’s Hedberg.


I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck... Don't go see Dr. Acula.

Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips.

I was a young faithful Catholic girl. I often went to church more than once a week. I truly believed. Then I thought that hearing one short fragment of Old Testament and one from the new per week during mass is not enough - I will read it all by myself.

So I did. And it was all this weird stuff and more. And then in the New Testament it wasn't that much better and Jesus himself said basically that he didn't come to change anything of the Old Testament, but to fulfill it. So yeah, the Old Testament is still valid.

It was a first, but major step to becoming an atheist.

You sure they were “John 3:16” and not actually “Austin 3:16”?

Because you can thump your bible and say your psalms, talk about John 3:16. But Austin 3:16 says he just whipped your ass.

I gave it a shot so someone can use it when this is reposted.

so someone can use it when this is reposted.

That sounds super made up.

Yeah that’s what’s going on here. So Lot’s like “nah, these guys are angels, don’t rape em. Rape my daughters instead, who cares about them?”

Truly the sole individual that deserved to be saved from turning into a salt pillar.

I had to scroll way too far to find the first nail comment.

Imagine a soup out of that.