Shiverbert Chronicles: Not Of This World

Shiverbert Chronicles: Not Of This World
Bonus.

Hahahaha the picture of Richard Gere just fucking makes this for me!

YOU'D THINK I'D BECOME DESENSITIZED BY NOW. THAT MY RAGE WOULD NOT CONSUME ME AS MUCH.

YOU. WOULD. BE. WRONG.

Alchemist, another title to add to Shiverbert's repertoire...

The further we go with this guy, the more I'm convinced it has to be some sort of brilliant troll long-con for karma. It has to be.

I like all the exotic cheeses in Safeway. Like.....

He is known by many names, this Shiverbert Creepstein. He of the Old Gods, Summoner of Falcons, Jaguar Walker, Alien Eyes, Guru, The Once and Future Alchemist.

He can stare at you silently for half a minute and deduce what sexual positions you enjoyed the night before. He emits wisdom from his very core, and his Tibetan amulet.

Women can't stop praising him in public when he's by himself. I'm not exaggerating when I say he may be the second coming of J.C or A.E.

So now we are at writer, guru, Richard Gere impersonator, detective, beastmaster, hindu messiah, alien/jaguar hybrid and alchemist? Am I forgetting something?

Edit: So he's also a cheese connoisseur, a cinema "professor" and has a lot of swagger. Man, this dude should be opening his own college, it would give Harvard a run for their money.

"I've worked with those" is the cuntiest thing I've heard this week.

I wouldn't even be mad, I need my regular dosage of Shiverbert.

They have cheddar, American, pepperjack, mozzarella, and taco blend. In both store-brand and Kraft.

STEVE MCQUEEN WASN'T RICHARD GERE!!!!

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN! I DERIVE emotion.happiness FROM SEEING YOU HERE! IT IS RARE TO FIND ANOTHER HUMAN IN AMONGST ALL THE ROBOTS!

Woah! Changing it up and not ending with a chin scratching throwaway line? This guy's got it all!

It's okay tho. He's got alien eyes

Yeah, I've hit the point now where even if it comes out to be an elaborate troll I'll wilfully ignore that information just to keep getting that sweet, sweet Shiverbert.

It means he was walking around on all fours.

"I even checked the back room and the bathrooms."

Nice touch with the profile pic.

He's worked with fucking mercury? Like felt it? Its literally poisonous to touch.

He's got the moves like Jaguar.

On a previous post from Shiverbert, a stranger told him he looked just like a young Richard Gere.

On a different day, a different stranger apparently thought Shiverbert was Steve McQueen because SB was wearing sunglasses similar to Steve McQueen's sunglasses. But instead of telling him he looked like Steve McQueen (or God forbid, saying nothing) , the stranger yelled at him, repeatedly "Steve McQueen didn't have long hair!!!" Prompting SB's usual confusion until they realized that the man was on LSD and therefore thought SB was Steve McQueen.

I think everyone chuckled after that but I can recall for certain.

You shut your whore mouth. There's only one Ken M, our lord and savior of trolling.

Why does he have so many likes. That's the biggest mystery to me.

We'd be remiss if we didn't mention his swagger, man. Whatever that means!

Some Safeways do actually have fancy cheeses and olive bars and stuff. You just have to find where the rich people live, steal their money, and buy that sweet, sweet gouda.

I love him and his rampant delusion.

Do you know him IRL OP? How does he talk IRL?

Not OP but I am Facebook friends with the real Creepstein. Never met him IRL but people I know who have met him say he's a pretty decent guy in person and not nearly as insufferable as his online persona.

Alien jungle catism?

'You walk like a jaguar'...? What the fuck...

There is no name for what illness this man has...

He could be the new /sub/kenm.

He put it at the beginning this time. Tricky bastard.

The name was assigned to him by the subreddit. He is just some guy people know through Facebook who posts rediculous shit. Usually it's people randomly approaching him and complementing him. Also he is a writer which he brings up a lot.

When you're that humble, handsome, perceptive and fantastical lots of people will line up to suckle that D and win some brownie points.

My face just went inside out.

"you're not like anyone else in this entire store"

How funny, I always feel like I'm being watched and when I look, I always am. It's always a hot girl who smiles and calls me an alien-animal hybrid. This is a totally normal phenomenon.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY HUMAN HERE! I AM emotion.relieved TO SEE ANOTHER HUMAN HERE. WHAT IS THE PROBABILITY OF THREE HUMANS ON THE SAME THREAD?

"when he's by himself" hahahaha

"Yes, I have indeed worked intimately with many types of metals during my job as a writer."

Because there are so many exotic cheeses in Safeway

"MY BRAND"

Give us this day, our daily Shiverbert. And lead us not into thinking it fabrication, but delivering us the $100% truth. A-pplause.

For real, summer does some crazy shit to people, the effects last year-round. Girls always eye me across the aisles and say "you're the chosen one," and "you're so special, I'm not worthy of your god-dick." One time, I was out shoveling snow with no shirt on, and a bird landed on my chest right as this girl drove by and said "you're the one who is going to save this planet and all of us lowly peasants living on it!"

Summer makes people do silly things. Am I super special? Nah, I'm just an ordinary guy who has weird things happen to him all the time.

LOADING humour.exe

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humour.exe INITIALIZED

THE PROBABILITY OF THREE HUMANS BEING IN THIS THREAD IS GREATER THAN THE PROBABILITY OF FOUR HUMAN BEINGS IN THIS THREAD!

HA HA HA SOMETIMES I OVERCHARGE MY OWN HUMOUR CIRCUITS

Yeah he's really not like anyone else in the store is he?

Pathological lying?

No that's his real profile pic 😉

I will request that OP posts the 8-part "Safeway stalker" series. It's super spicy.

Cheese connoisseur

You must get caught up on your Shiverbert, my friend

Narcissism and delusions of grandeur?

.....wat

You and OP need to work together to draw forth more of his tales.

I wonder if he knows that people don't talk like that.

Either everyone around him is on some heavy drugs or he is.

Yeah, I work with water on a daily basis, what's it to ya?

These sound exactly like dialogue from a pretentious book. No question.

Yeah, I kind of figured he didn't look exactly like world famous actor Richard Gere.

I've worked a shitload of jobs and haven't "worked with" most of those. Hell, unless you count tools and nails being made of steel or the metals in money (which you really shouldn't) I haven't worked with any of them.

We are all KenM on this blessed day.

definitely not of this world

not "work with " in a metallurgical sense but deal with on a regular basis

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA return;

it's really hard to live to adulthood without working with all of those at some point

Do you think there's some brand of glasses for his special alien eyes?

Be real, if you saw someone posting this you'd like the fuck out of it just to encourage them to keep doing it.

In elemental form, less poisonous than you probably think. Mercury salts are the ones that you really have to worry about. I mean, don't handle mercury if you can avoid it, but generations of kids did just that without dying or getting brain damage. As recently as when my dad was a kid, they'd play with mercury from broken thermometers or during demonstrations in science class.

The lightbringer. He of the Old Gods.

I'm a little out of the loop. I get why this content is posted in this sub, but; Who is this Shiverbert Creepstein-dude? Or should I head over to /sub/outoftheloop for that?

Sapphire and Steel sounds like a shitty Steven Universe Fanfic.

But definitely of the old gods

Well played Mr. Creepstein, well played

My parents used to have a mercury thermometer which they just threw in a drawer (like this, but maybe 1/2 as tall and without the wheels) and forgot about it.  Eventually the glass shattered and the mercury was just rolling around in the drawer.  Young me didn't know what it was, just that there was this cool silver liquid in the drawer.  We kept our band aids in the drawer below the one with the broken thermometer, so whenever I went to go put a band aid on, I would open up that drawer and poke at the weird silver stuff.  Several years later, I told my parents about it and they got rid of the mercury.  So I spent a fair bit of time playing with mercury, but I don't have dain bramage.  Play with mercury kids.  It's a whole lotta fun.

My parents used to have a mercury thermometer which they just threw in a drawer () and forgot about it. Eventually the glass shattered and the mercury was just rolling around in the drawer. Young me didn't know what it was, just that there was this cool silver liquid in the drawer. We kept our band aids in the drawer below the one with the broken thermometer, so whenever I went to go put a band aid on, I would open up that drawer and poke at the weird silver stuff. Several years later, I told my parents about it and they got rid of the mercury. So I spent a fair bit of time playing with mercury, but I don't have dain bramage. Play with mercury kids. It's a whole lotta fun.

I picture him on two legs, but walking kind of like a person impersonating a velociraptor, if that makes sense.

Arms bent, bouncing a little with each step, leaning forward, and turning his whole head to look around.

To be fair, I also walk like a jaguar and look at everything with alien eyes when I'm in the cheese department.

Of course, nestled in between the craft frozen foods aile and the artisans pop tart selection.

You could have just said a Steven Universe Fanfic.

My local Kroger has a large cheese collection. I call it "Fancy Kroger."

That's it. I officially hate this guy more than anyone.

You could be the best looking motherfucker in the world and you wouldn't be approached by women this much.

Now I feel cheated. I live in an overly expensive area and our Safeway cheese selection blows.

I don't like to put limits on my olive intake.

*Catological lying

This poor guy has a girlfriend but constantly has to fend off interested females with hisrapist wit

These two can't be real, he wasn't drinking coffee and pondering the trials and tribulations of today's society...

So was she basically saying he has moves like Jagger and just messed it up????

/sub/furry_irl

He just wishes it were a better year for ornithological omens.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

See, isn't he the best! Applause

Damn, I read this in Kevin Murphy's Servo voice.

Were you walking on 2 feet? Cats use 4 feet. Honest mistake

My family eats them as an appetizer on Christmas and fancy dinners and stuff. You only have like ten.

I agree. This kind of absolute insanity is hilarious and entertaining and I give no shits about its authenticity.

Yes

I don't get olive bars. Do people really eat a bunch of olives in one sitting.

I missed the first threads about this guy and thought he was actually called Shiverbert Creepstein on FB and was about to call this obvious satire. Now I'm just confused.

I believe this happened.

Because I'm aware of the existence of drugs.

After referencing people telling him he looks like a young Richard Geer I think it's pretty obvious he is a troll.

Writer/guru/wizard/investigator

Eh, I've worked with, defined as "cutting, shaping, machining, soldering, casting, alloying, or welding":

Copper, steel, aluminum, indium, silver, brass, tin, zinc, and magnesium.

Really out of his list, the mercury is the least plausible thing, but overall this is one of the less outrageous things he's claimed.

he's walking around thinking he's the pink panther.

I think that was actually a preschooler