She (F23) cheated. I (M24) disappeared from her life without a word. Does that make me an asshole?
My girlfriend of one year recently cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend. A friend of hers secretly came forward and showed me all the evidence. It was a shitty situation.
Instead of dumping her the normal way, I just disappeared. This was easy to do because I was traveling quite a bit at the time and ended up moving to a different area shortly after finding out about the cheating. I deleted her from Facebook, and ignored all of her texts, voicemails, emails, etc. I went completely "dark."
It's been three months since and she STILL tries to contact me. She knows why I dumped her and has attempted to apologize numerous times. She regularly sends me lengthy apologies, yet I never reply.
I guess I feel like an asshole. I think closure's overrated but in this case, I'm feeling like a dick. She's convinced all of her friends that I'm still hers and that we're going to get back together.
Will she eventually get the hint and fuck off or do I need to actually tell her we're done?
Tl:Dr; Girlfriend cheated, I disappeared, she still tries to contact me to apologize and thinks we're getting back together in the future. What do I do? Am I an asshole?
Fuck her. She didn't give you the courtesy of being faithful, or even confessing. You don't owe her shit. I think what you did was beautiful.
Indeed. THIS is how you dump someone with class. Do NOT give them closure.
OP if you spoil this i'll move heaven and earth to find a way to invent a device that can slap you in the face from across the internet and let everyone who is reading this thread have a go with it.
Thanks guys. I still keep in contact with the friend of hers who told me about the cheating but other than that, I have no connection to her.
The friend knows my relationship's over and I'm sure that's been communicated to my ex.
TBH, the friend's been flirting a lot with me lately so if I REALLY wanted revenge on my ex, I could date her friend but I'm not that kind of guy. She's hot but I don't think it would be worth getting involved in a shit storm of that magnitude.
I'll probably just keep doing what I've been doing.
Maybe her friend has always had a thing for you. So when your ex was being trash she was looking out for you and hoping something would happen between the two of you. Don't let whatever shit storm your ex may cause come between you and something that could truly work out.
You're my hero.
Good for you! Stick to the plan.
Well, my birthday's next week and she did mention something about hanging out. Who knows, I might have an update soon!
Maybe her friend has always had a thing for you.
She didn't make it obvious until just recently. That would explain a lot actually.
Maybe you shouldn't...
I would put her out of her misery instead of torturing her for pure spite.
Only she can do that. I have no power over her. I've made it clear that I've moved on and she knows exactly why.
If I were to date her friend, it would be because I like her, not because I'm trying to get back at my ex. I have a ton of respect for her friend, especially after what she did for me.
But if you do this, have no delusions that you're standing on higher ground.
I've been honest and faithful from the very beginning, I have nothing left to prove.
There's a little voice in your head telling you you're acting badly. That's probably why you posted here. Listen to that voice, rather than the witch hunters egging you on in this. They've got no stake in your life.
You know what the right thing to do is. Go, do it.
/sub/relationships justifies pretty much everything you do to a cheater, and I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but I think we can agree that you did not handle it very maturely. You should have confronted her with the evidence so she would know it's over.
You need to send her an email or something saying you're done and that you will not accept any excuses, apologies, or begging. Then say there will be no more contact. Quick, simple, and gives some closure to the whole thing.
You owe her exactly what she gave you: not a goddamn thing. Good for you.
He already did. That's y op is posting.
yeah you are really going against the grain there...
OP better deliver.
Don't do it.
It's way more trouble than it's worth. There are plenty of other women out there.
She's convinced all of her friends that I'm still hers and that we're going to get back together.
She needs a (polite) attitude adjustment. As /u/xadriancalim says, send her an email using a throwaway explaining that you two are finished because of her cheating, and that you don't wish to hear from her again so she should stop attempting to contact you.
You might also send a polite, brief explanation to one or more of her friends if you're in contact, so they can help talk her down from her fantasy.
Then block on everything you can.
OP You have done what many wish they could do. Keep it up. This idea is just so beautiful.
I agree completely - the girlfriend tries to get in contact because she does not know how OP feels, for all she knows he could return to her tomorrow. The fact that OP disappeared out of her life completely should tell her everything she needs to know, but from experience I can say: Unless she hears it from him directly, she will have hopes for at least a few weeks or months.
However, it's a sign that she tries again and again instead of sending a few messages and then waiting for OP to reply. Honestly, that sounds like any contact to her will only fuel her hopes. After all OP has no intentions to get back with her, so he does the right thing now: He clearly shows that he has no interest in her whatsover.
Maybe YOU should.
My ex has sent me several apologies admitting that she cheated. She said she's no longer in contact with the guy and wants me back. The friend has told the truth from the very beginning and I'm thankful for that.
He is /sub/relationship's hero
Don't have an update, have a regular date...with her.
(but then update us about it)
I think we can agree that you did not handle it very maturely.
I know. I was a little trigger happy with the "eject" button.
Ugh. This a million times. How can everyone on this thread think banging the friend is a good idea?
Because it's not them that will have to deal with the shitstorm in the end.
You're being passive aggressive. There's no defensible reason why you wouldn't send her a one to two sentence email letting her know straight from the horse's mouth that you're both done, rather than intentionally forcing her to infer it from your silence or second-hand gossip. There's probably a part of you that's being gratified by her begging and pleading with you, a part of you that takes some satisfaction in this arrangement where after you've been wronged, now you get to punish her. If you truly "didn't care" it wouldn't be an issue to act with a modest modicum of compassion and literally take 20 seconds to let her know it's over. You can choose to be cruel to someone who did something immoral and even cruel to you, sure. Lots of people do this, and lots of people are completely excited by the idea of this type of retribution, as evidenced by some of the responses you read. You have no "obligation" to contact her, just like you have no "obligation" to be kind to people for "no reason."
Seriously people are beating me down for saying he didn't go about it maturely. "SHE DOESN'T DESERVE IT." Like no shit, but we're giving advice for OP, who feels guilty about the whole situation. And if he wants to ease his conscience, he should probably send a short letter. It's really more for his benefit.
In my opinion, you should contact her briefly, break up with her for real, and then resume no contact. Not because she deserves it, but because it will be better for you in the long term to take the high road.
isn't it worth taking a bit of time to talk about it and learn from eachother, even if it gets a bit messy?
I guess I don't understand. What is there to learn?
First of all, how you responded is awesome. But just to play devils advocate, what if the friend had a thing for you all this time, made up evidence, and has been slowly working her way in with you in the most genius/fucked up scheme ever? What kind of evidence did she sure you anyway? Sorry if you answered this elsewhere
Yep. Cheating is the only thing (in my eyes) that gives the other person pretty much all the right to do whatever the hell they want in the relationship, and if she didn't even come out and confess to you, that means that she still values her own enjoyment above your relationship.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say you shouldn't contact her. I think what you did was perfect and you shouldn't ruin it by giving in and responding. But more importantly, if you contact her now, you're just going to give her hope that she can get through to you and it'll just take longer for her to stop attempting to contact you further.
Just block her so you don't have to look at anything she sends you. Filter your incoming emails to automatically delete anything from her address.
Don't feel like a dick. You did absolutely the right thing.
I'm sorry, but this is the very opposite of class and tact. It might be satisfying and even deserved, considering circumstances, but class involves taking the high road, putting other people's feelings before your own. This is an understandable response, yet petty, immature and selfish.
I know I'm in the minority here, but fortunately this isn't a popularity contest :)
Not the hero we deserved, but the one we needed.
A Silent Guardian.
I don't blame you for ending it the way you did, but I think years from now when the anger and hurt has long since faded, you will look back on this and wish you had acted differently. I would make brief contact(phone, text, email; whatever is easiest for you) to explain that this is not something the two of you can work out, and that you are over. Take the high road here. Someday you will be glad you did.
I think after 3 months you should date who ever you want. This friend helped you out. She has a sense of decency to let you know you are being cheated on. Me, I would take her out to dinner and later, lick her till she says stop. Hell, she is the only one of your friends to tell you the truth.
A quick and simple "It's over" is really all you need. Then she will hopefully stop bothering you.
I would tell her you were done. I don't consider you an asshole for this.
Reddit really likes revenge, so you're going to get a ton of people egging you on to be as cruel as possible, encouraging you to ignore her forever and fuck her friend right in her face.
But hey, you've already won this situation. A lot of people on this sub get cheated on, then dumped, and then sit there desperate for closure because the person who cheated on them won't admit it or apologize. You got the revenge all of those people dream of- she begged for you back, and you got to say no.
So do you owe her anything? No. But you do feel like a dick because you are hurting her more than she needs to be hurt. So why let your desire for revenge make you feel like a dick? Be the bigger person, and she'll STILL beg for you back and you'll STILL get to say no, but at least your better angels will be driving your actions, and not the pettiest section of your soul.
If you have no desire to talk to her, send her a single, short email stating that forgive her, but you don't want anything to do with a cheater, and she needs to stop contacting you, and hoping to have a relationship with you. Keep the anger out of it as much as possible, because if she's manipulative she'll use that against you.
And seriously. Stay away from the friend. She's drama and trouble.
I have a ton of respect for her friend, especially after what she did for me.
I don't think she did it for you, it's pretty clear she did it for herself because she wanted you, even if she claims otherwise.
Well, I'm going to go against popular opinion and say what you already know. That's a really shitty thing to do to someone.
That kind of spite and venom is just not healthy. She did an awful thing and she is suffering for it. She obviously thinks and desperately hopes you two will work it out. I would put her out of her misery instead of torturing her for pure spite. Which is what this is. She hurt you and now you want to hurt her worse.
I can't and won't in any way defend what she did. You were right to leave (although I would probably have left a note or something). Cheating is awful and cheaters are selfish cowards.
But if you do this, have no delusions that you're standing on higher ground.
This is the comment I was looking for. Or one of the few. OP is not ignoring her out of his best interest, but out of spite. Talk to her, face to face, just one time. You don't owe it to her, you should do it for your own closure. I bet you think about it a lot, and she keeps contacting you and reminding you. Do it, so you can move on. Be firm and direct, so that she just leaves you alone.
You don't post here because you're only proud of your choice. Sounds like this chapter isn't closed for you.
I'm going to be the cautious, negative guy again:
Watch your steps very carefully. You admitted it a few posts above: fooling around with that friend can possibly bring about very good results, but also have a very high probability of getting into shitstorms of insane magnitudes.
I would be VERY careful if you decide to go down that path. Personally, it's not worth it, due to the risk.
We love the story and it would make for a good story
Regardless, avoiding a situation is never really the mature way to go about it. I'm not saying she deserves an explanation or closure, I know that /sub/relationships really really hates cheaters, but OP did not objectively handle the situation in a mature manner. Like even if she's a shitty human being, she should still be told that it's over so she's not hanging on and bugging him forever because he up and left without a word.
I'm with you on this one. It could work out, you never know!
Wouldn't not dating her friend because of your ex give her the final word?
I have an in-ground pool.
have no delusions you're standing on higher ground.
Higher ground than cheating? Uh...yeah, he's standing on higher ground. She cheated. He walked. He's free and clear to go about life with no consideration to her.
Bad bot, no donut!
You should go hook up with her friend, she helped you out by betraying her friend and telling you of her cheating. You said she's hot too, win win. Don't even think of your ex. Make decisions as if she does not exist. If this girl had no relation to your ex, you'd go for it. Obviously your ex had no consideration for your feelings when she got extra dick on the side, so just hang out with her friend and see where things go.
She'll eventually get the hint, but in order to make the happen sooner, you should send a polite email from a throwaway account. Be matter of fact, don't leave any openings, call it done. Go on your way.
I wouldn't think of you poorly either. Sounds like you did the best you could, in fact probably better than most people on here.
It amazes me at how juvenile so many people are. It's also disgusting how so many people treat others as property or as a sexual extension of their own ego.
As an adult, never get into a relationship with someone whose company you don't actually enjoy, regardless of if they're willing to be your significant other or not.
I've had two girlfriends that cheated on me in the past. I dumped both of them. I'm still friends with all of my ex's, including those two. It's sad to see how the two of them constantly do things that undermine their own success in life, but other than being really good at shooting themselves in the clit, they're both really amazing people. Most everyone has some kind of character flaw. Theirs just happens to be that they're fucking terrible at monogamy.
Do what you want. You certainly don't "owe" anything to your ex. If I were you though, I'd say, "Hey, sorry. I liked you. I was fucking dumb and didn't have the skills to properly handle what happened. I had a good time. I'm not a fan of what you did. But, I'm not interested in a friendship or anything else with you. If we bump into each other in public, I won't be weird or pretend not to know you, but don't expect me to hang around and chit chat. Have a good life. I wish you all the best. I currently feel no inclination to communicate with you further. I will let you know if that changes. Good-bye."
2 quick things:
1) whether or not you want to remain silent or break the silence and talk to her is completely up to you. If you feel it would make your life better to talk to her, then talk to her. If not, then don't. Easy as that. There's not something you "should" do in this situation beyond "what you feel you should do."
2) If you have to ask if you're an asshole, there's something in you telling you that you are.
I know I'm in the minority here, but fortunately this isn't a popularity contest :)
You demonstrate it's not an intelligence competition either. The more painful and difficult you make it for someone who cheated on you, the greater the incentive for them not to cheat again.
OP has chosen a method that also requires no work on his part.
It is an elegant solution, both encouraging the cheater to better themselves while being efficient with energy and time.
You calling it immature is wrong. Maturity is not wasting time on negative parts of your life. It's not petty. He's not trying make her feel bad to make himself feel better. It's not selfish to not forgive.
When you betray someone, you don't deserve a chance to make amends. Often, when shitty people cheat, they feel that they can "atone" for what they've done, and being forgiven lets them restore their false image pf themselves as a "decent person who made a mistake".
OP did not let his ex lie to him or herself, meaning the only closure she'll find is by being a better person.
I agree, avoidance is not mature.
Please update if you do!
What is there to learn? She cheated and lied. She knows that what she did was fucked up which is why she keeps contacting him to try and 'apologize.'
OP has already learned the most important lesson: when someone does you wrong, you put them out of your phone, your house, and your life. He's doing the right thing by staying away and resisting any temptation she could throw at him.
Her "friend" sounds suspect, to be quite honest. She doesn't sound trustworthy. If she hated the woman who cheated on you so much, why exactly was she her "friend"? Why did she feel the need to tell you in secret? And why is she still pretending to be her friend? I personally wouldn't have dealings with someone like that, and certainly wouldn't be able to trust them enough to date them.
I'm sorry, but it is not logical to not date a cheating exe's friend because of something the ex did. She made the cheating known to him. You're basically punishing her for something she did not do nor have a part of. How is that fair?
You're not an asshole, but you're not exactly mature. Don't do things out of spite, do things because you want to heal.
Who cares what the cheating ex will think?
Good on you! You did the right thing and just made a clean break of it.
idk when you cheat on someone and they stop contacting you, can't you assume they found out and dont want to deal with your cheatin ass anymore?
You should tell her it's over. What if you start dating someone else and it comes out that you never bothered to dump your ex and she (and her friends) think you are still together?
Thank you for this response. This is honestly the most mature and appropriate way to handle the situation. Plus, OPs ex is apparently still acting out this fantasy of still being in a relationship, she needs to be shut down. Closure is good for all parties.
Exactly. That's how you end up with an unwanted toolbar.
Not a popular response, but I think you messed up here. You obviously didn't have a very good relationship if you didn't even want to communicate to her that the relationship was over. I get it, she cheated, you had no desire to fix this, but at least let her know.
I think a lot can be said from a person with how they choose to end things. Not every situation needs closure, but taking a minute out of your life to tell her explicitly that it's over (not through the mouths of her friends) would've been more mature than the route you chose.
I do think "you owe it to her"
I disagree. He does not "owe" her anything. If he chose to lay some closure on her, that's his decision. But he does not "owe" it to her. I personally hope he just keeps to the current path, and continues on with his life without contacting her.
I agree with you.
In every other case /sub/relationships thinks that communication is gold, and now all of a sudden everyone is shouting with glee about going incommunicado from a year-long relationship?
Don't abandon communication just for the sake of petty revenge. OP should at least tell his ex it is over and he is right to think of himself as a dick for not doing so.
I don't know, but everyone has a story. I'm not saying it's a good one, but a shitty perspective on a shitty situation is still perspective. Learning someone's motivation for action can be really powerful in understanding how people work. Cutting yourself off from that (and here I speak more from the perspective of sticking with friends who have done shitty things and recovered from them and tried to learn) means you don't get the benefit of their perspective, even if it's a shitty one. It also means you don't get the benefit of watching someone try to change.
Not saying you have to be the catalyst of that change, but watching someone else realize their sins toward you can have a profound effect up on you, and being a part of that experience is more worthwhile (in my opinion and experience) than separating yourself from it.
Ultimately it's up to you and I don't judge you for having cut things off, but you're clearly feeling guilt about the relationship, so closure on both sides isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm just saying sometimes walking away, while romantic, may not actually be the right decision (despite what everyone else here is saying).
I think your post is about the fact that you still feel strange about the situation. Personally I think you might feel "like an asshole/ like a dick" because you never got to communicate to her how you felt about what she did, and that means you never got to resolve the situation in any way. You were with this woman for a year, and I assume you have lots of happy memories and even some feelings for her left over. You're probably sad in many ways that the relationship is finished. I don't think getting "closure" will automatically make you feel 100% better about what happened but I think it would be a step forward from how you feel now. And I think trying to feel better is what's important here, rather than trying to keep some arbitrary charade of "keeping her in the dark" going.
I feel like there are some things that are completely unforgivable, and cheating is definitely one of them. To me, it really doesn't matter what her reasoning is. She was willing to hurt him, could have put both of them at risk for STD's and that alone is enough to leave.
You don't need the story all the time, you do not need to be nice and ask people why they did what they did to learn from it. You can learn a lot by just their actions, and sometimes that's all you need. I bet even if they tried to talk it out, she'd be less than honest and tell him what she thinks he wants to hear to try and get him back. So what could you learn from someone who has no reason to be honest?
I think not being contacted again is pretty close to being told its over. Maybe its not the most mature thing but its not really that immature either. If you want to be treated with respect then you need to earn it, and you don't earn it by cheating.
Upvoting for some shred of possibility of this.
Dunno, are you into the friend? Because if you're only going to get with her as a rebound/revenge, it's not worth it. Mostly because dumping her will be a bigger problem.
Keep up the ignoring of the ex-gf and keep up the class. You don't need to spoil a clean break with revenge. You're doing fine as is.
Well the default response in this sub is dump them/lawyer up and get a divorce. If someone cheated, it then tends to include you should bang their mom and kill their pets as well. And never contact anyone who wronged you ever again. SO has some sort of emotional problem? Get out you don't deserve that shit.
If I broke off contact with everyone who's ever wronged me in any way or had an issue that inconvenienced me, I'd have no friends, no wife, and wouldn't be in contact with any of my family except maybe my brother. Likewise, there are dozens of people who should have cut me off, as I'm in no way perfect either.
Being a child is dismissing anyone with flaws. being an adult is seeing those flaws and finding ways to move forward. And moving forward as an adult generally includes a conversation with both parties, even in this particular situation where the conversation is "We're over." OP handled this like a child.
You never know when you might need to go back to someone, and not just for relationship stuff, you might be financially hard up, moving, sick relatives, etc. Burning bridges in spite is no way to go through life.
She's a human being and deserves respect.
You lost me here.
Why does she deserve respect?
I've always been told that respect is earned. So I don't see the point where she earned his respect.
Her being a human being has nothing to do with it.
If you wrote off everyone who'd ever cheated on anyone you'd be really lonely.
This is a downright lie. I have removed many people from my life, some of them cheaters. I still have plenty of friends. Friends that appreciate and understand the moral standards I expect from them.
And if you ever feel like responding to her, msg me first, I'll bitchslap some sense into you
So she cheats and he has to explain himself? And I'm pretty sure her closure came when she did.
Better than being trigger happy with the "install" button! ;)
Sometimes forgiveness is as much for you as it is for her. Just a thought
one day, without reason, he disappeared.
In this case, OP's girlfriend knows exactly why he disappeared. She already has that closure, she just doesn't like it.
What she wants from him isn't closure, she wants him to come back.
I was in a similar situation to hers many years ago. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy, and he heard through mutual friends that I was seeing someone else at the same time. In reality, the other guy was just a friend I hung out with a lot, and I didn't find out until later that he had a crush on me and was the one to start the rumor that preempted the breakup.
Long story short, I found out the reason the guy had cut me off was that he thought that I was cheating on him, so I sent him long emails explaining that was not the case, but never heard back.
A couple of months later, I started dating someone else, and happened to bump into the first guy. He said he had suspected all along that I wasn't really cheating on him, and that he was testing me to see if I really wanted to be with him by ignoring me and seeing if I moved on or waited for him. My dating someone else (after a couple of months of being ignored) was proof to him that I had been cheating and/or didn't really care about us in the first place, so as far as he was concerned, his plan had worked. Sigh.
Anyway, it's quite possible that she's genuinely oblivious, or in denial and has convinced herself that you're taking time to think stuff through. Not saying you owe her a thing, but a courtesy email saying that it really is over and she should learn from this and move on would be appropriate here.
Something like that could have happened to me. Five months into a relationship my SO got suspicious and messaged an old flame. That guy wanted to break us up from the start and didn't hesitate to lie and send old photos as "evidence". My SO chose to wait for me to "come clean" (which I never would obviously since i never cheated) and the truth finally came out during a fight five months after the old flame told him the lie. I guess he thought that knowledge would be his secret weapon or something. I managed to convince him that I never cheated. But what if he had just cut me off without a word when he initially "found out"? I never would have known why.
You demonstrate it's not an intelligence competition either.
The good old ad hominem attack, when arguments don't matter. It must have been satisfying to put me in my right place by the virtue of your superior intelligence.
The more painful and difficult you make it for someone who cheated on you, the greater the incentive for them not to cheat again.
This is utter nonsense. There are far more factors going into relationships and infidelity than simple behavior modification through basic conditioning by infliction of distress. You train animals on premises like these, but you do not build healthy relationships upon them.
Good people cheat too. Fantastic people, amazing human beings that are capable of the full spectrum of feelings of regret and true remorse also make terrible mistakes. You say that "shitty people" shouldn't be able to feel like they're "decent" again. I think you are perhaps stuck in a "being right vs being wrong" mindset, influenced by the prevalent use of bad guy vs good guy in both news media and popular culture.
If you read this subreddit and other popular subreddits (/sub/askreddit comes to mind), you'll notice that they're full of stories of revenge and vengeance. It is understandable, the feeling that someone has to pay for what feels bad for you, is rewarding. But it doesn't lead to anything good for you, it's a false and empty sense of superiority. It's not the adult thing to do, it is passive-agressive and self-centered for the benefit of noone.
Okay, when I posted that, there were a lot more responses (percentage-wise) saying to respond once and tell her it's over.
She pretty much ended the relationship the second she allowed another man to put his dick inside her.
If walking away and not looking back makes me a coward, then so be it.