I'm a medic... My daughter accidentally made the funniest gift I've ever received.

I'm a medic... My daughter accidentally made the funniest gift I've ever received.

It's now your legal obligation to make sure this survives until she graduates so you can put it on a big sign and embarrass her with it

You fucking know it!

When my son was 3, I went through one of my rare periods of: I am going to be in better shape. I'm going to get serious about exercising.

My kids see daddy doing all these strange things like pushups and stretches and they ask, "What are you doing?". "I'm exercising", I reply. They proceed to enthusiastically join me in my daily exercises.

A few days later, my wife and I are preparing dinner in the kitchen. My son, who counts dinner among his favorite things in life, is waiting with great anticipation at the table for food to be served.

He is sitting in his chair, naked (which is a frequent state of being for him), holding a perfect, five finger grip on his little, erect baby dick, just blasting away. My wife sees it first, suppresses her laughter, and points it out to me. After containing my own fit of giggles, I ask quite innocently, "Hey, buddy, watcha doin'?"

He looks up, takes a brief pause from stroking, and replies ever so sweetly, "Oh, just giving my penis some exercise."

That story is likely to make an appearance at his wedding.

Tell her it's "I ❤Dic".

Gotta get her using proper grammar.

Never skip penis day.

When my oldest son was 3 he tried, unsuccessfully, for several minutes to talk one of my brothers into watching him masturbate, or, "Look what I can do with my pee-pee now!!!"

In my brother and my husband's defense, they did not laugh at him, just declined politely.

That story is going to be brought out at his wedding.

You can't even say her hearts in the right place...

So do your work colleagues call you cpt. Daddy now?

Do you even stroke?

3 yr old boys always seem to have their pee-pee in their hands. It's like it's their thinking stone.

He's a medic, she just split the word up before and after the heart.

That's so sweet and funny. Happy Father's Day!


Ah, duh. Told you guys I was dumb.

My nephew (4) was going to the bathroom the other day and my sister was trying to speed things up because they had places to be besides my bathroom. He called out "Mommy, Aunt K, I can't! It's all hard and long!"

I about died laughing. My sister had to go in and tell him that if he stopped playing with his penis it would go short and soft again.

No but mommy might

Maybe I'm dumb (k, I am) what was the "dic" supposed to represent?

I love this. When I was in the second grade we did this for our dads too. We were supposed to be holding a butterfly on our finger in each of our pictures except my butterfly flew away before the shot was taken and I was holding it on my middle finger. So my father just got a frame with a picture of me making a goofy face holding out my middle finger. I didn't understand why he laughed so hard at it when I gave it to him for Father's Day.

Best comment.

When I was young I showed my mom how I can make my dick bounce up and down with "just my mind". I had shorts on but I kept popping it up like it was a super power. It still gets brought up 26 years later. My girlfriend was told this the first time she met my parents.

In my defense, it still is pretty cool that I can do that.

Uh... Yeah, mine.

I love Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation too.

Both my boys have a habit of barging into the bathroom while I'm showering and catching me naked. I have a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old.

When I first introduced them to my girlfriend a couple months ago, and after getting used to her, my oldest proudly proclaims "daddy has a big birdy (their mother and I call their penises birdy) and I hope I'm big one day to" to which my youngest says "really big."

Ehem yup. Compared to a 4 and 2 year old, I have a really big dick. Would have made me feel really proud and hung if my girlfriend didn't laugh uncontrollably. But, for half a second, I felt like my dick was huuuuuuuge. Then reality hit.

Is your child Butters?

It seems sweet and innocent . . . buuuuut in 10 years?

That's Captain* Daddy, to you.

Bro chill thats someone's daughter.

3 or 13? Why was your 3 year old masturbating? How does any of this work?

Richard who?

Lost it at "erect baby dick"

It will be just as accurate. Sorryillseemyselfoutnow

The nerves that provide pleasure don't just 'show up' when you're 15. They're always there, and this sort of behavior is normal for that age. The appropriate response is to teach them to do anything of that nature privately without instilling a sense of sexual shame that lasts until they're 18.

Nah, it took me a minute, too.

What ails you my child?

I know man sorry, only kidding. Happy father's day homie.

Lol that makes a lot more sense... the image of a 3 year old with a hard on is making me die of laughter though.

Before puberty a boy cannot ejaculate but he can get hard and he can orgasm. It's call a dry orgasm.

Every man who was once a boy knows this.

Yeah but do you run the syringe or rifle grenade?

Bet your brother in law is proud

The real life pro tip is always in the comments.

Girls too , i hate to admit for fear of stirring the shit. My friend's older sister has a notorious family story about getting busted masterbating with those pull cord baby toys from 80s that vibrated and , as loathe as i am to admit it, mine plopped into bed one night , excited about new dvd and absent mindedly starting going to town as a three or four year old

I got the me love dic part. Was too stupid to see the "medic" equation. I ignored the title where you said you were a medic and just concentrated on the Captain Daddy part.

Dude, everyone cringes at that. My kids chose it as my gamer tag when we bought a new console as a joke and it's stuck ever since.

Cranium; Richard Cranium.

Hey OP, I need healing

Lol Fetuses can masturbate (crazy, I know!!). Masturbation is pleasure, children can feel pleasure. Before puberty a boy cannot ejaculate but he can get hard and he can orgasm. It's call a dry orgasm.

Hahaha. You too man.

She's just a big fan of DiC

She's just a big fan of

Of course it won't be funny... She'll be an adult and it will more than likely just be a fact. Unless she is gay or asexual.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I regularly babysat 2 boys at just the wrong age for this type of behavior, they used to barge in on me any time I tried to pee. Sometimes it was my own fault, I'd leave the door open because the bathroom was tucked away and I wanted to be able to hear if they were getting into trouble or hurt.

Anyways one day when they were ages 2 and 4 they burst into the bathroom and saw me sitting on the toilet. The older one screamed, "UNDERTHECAT, WHERE'S YOUR PENIS?!"

...Im female and they're the children of hippies, I was surprised he didn't know I wouldn't have one. His concern for my condition was sweet, though. He honestly sounded scared for me hahaha

Well, that was uncomfortable to read.

Me (heart) dic

It's common for children to explore their privates, my daughter does it, my girlfriends son does it. I've heard it brought up by other parents plenty of times.

They just know it feels good; they don't orgasm of course, but it is natural for them to be curious.

It's best to let them do their thing and not shame them, at most just tell them to do that in their room because it isn't polite to do so around other people.

Society tends to dismiss children as something less than what they are, individual free thinking beings. I enjoy a good wank just as much as the next guy, why wouldn't they enjoy the feeling as well?

oohhh daddy....

My nephew is five months old. He recently discovered that he is a boy. But he has such a firm grip, that when he holds himself, he screeches in pain. My brother and his wife have to hold his hands while changing his diaper so he doesn't attempt to rip his dick off.

Diaper changes are now a two parent job.

I had to come here to figure out the joke too. No worries. We b dum 2gathar

greg❤️nut tle

Have you ever considered that you may also be dumb?

Whatever is needed

Bucket. But it's pronounced "Bouquet."

... I didn't. I didn't start till I was... Idk, 11? 12?

Yes, in fact...

woah gross that's someone's daughter dude

EVERY DAY is penis day

you are now on a list

Plot twist: she calls her boyfriend "Captain Daddy".

Isn't common knowledge that the majority of the female highschool population loves dick?

You and me both! That would be awkward as fuck.

Whatever is needed.

See, Captain Daddy took to long. So our pro Genji here died.

EDIT: Spelling and grammar because I'm a tired idiot.

Please tell me someone put your helmet on for you today

I learned to orgasm before I hit puberty, personally. It scared me to death though. The Catholic guilt kicked my ass

Jokes on you if that turns out to be common knowledge by the time she graduates.

Better than Billy squire himself!

I wish. Just up in the house.

The real life baby tip is always in the comments.


Every hour of every day, my friend.

Apparently nothing.

Is anyone else cringing at "Cpt. Daddy"?

Paddles or grenade launcher?

My lil bro also told our parents that. I had to turn around to stay chill and pretend I wasn't listening or watching. Cute days.

Oh you poor bastard. It's truly awful! I hope they just stop calling you that at some point before you get a 16 year old daughter calling you "Captain Daddy" in public lmao

HAHAHA! Perfect!

five finger grip

little, erect baby dick

feels bad

Death is coming

That won't be so funny when she's 17-18...

Penis, schlong, wang, cock, trouser snake, love muscle, John Thomas, skin flute, jimmy, tonsil licker, love stick, wiener, Mr. Winky, knob, pecker, pork sword, ding-a-ling. Any of these work for you?

Just the tip.

I can never again think of Big Bird in the same way.

Spread your wings, you glorious bastard.

Please tell me you have a work desk to proudly display this on.

Well... Dick daddy sounds awful

If you don't play Rocket League, now might be the time to start:


If you don't play Rocket League, now might be the time to start:

I definitely had erections as a small child, and I hit puberty at the normal time. But I didn't know about masturbation/orgasms. I didn't know what sex was, that kind of thing just wasn't on my radar.

Sick burn. I'd say call an ambulance, but that guy is already a medic.

When my youngest was very little I would shower then my husband would bring me our son and I'd shower him with me. At one point he is standing infront of me while I rinsed my hair and he began yelling for daddy to hurry and come help. I assumed he got soap in his eyes and tried to help him flush his eyes but as soon as my husband got there our son exclaimed "we got to hurry, we have to take mom to the penis store, she has no penis!!!" We laughed and explained that moms don't have penis's, his face went stone clod serious and he asked me "why would you live life without a penis? That doesn't even make sense!" He was not even two years old yet.

The reality of that is depressing

Nothing on the internet ever does.

It's not. It's horrific. Like, if I had one use of a time machine and I could use it to kill Hitler, or go back and tell myself not to watch the show, I would kill Hitler, of course, because I'm not a madman, but I would still hate myself for watching that stupid show.