I had to make a Gwent version of this one too, obviously.

I had to make a Gwent version of this one too, obviously.

volume of the cylinder should fix it..

I always liked Keira Metz. Some way, my wife managed to find the one storyline effectively killing her off.

Haha I did that too, I didn't dislike her but I was a bit peeved off about getting lied to and wanted to let her know that. Turns out that just turns into a 3 second fight with the most fragile sorceress in the lodge.

Still had sex tho.

If in doubt, pull your dick out.

You also need the circumference though.

OP probably has a modded version where female dialog consists of calculus and geometry problems. Way to go OP's parents.

First whore house I went into, I thought they were just strippers.

"Cool, private dancing - ooh..."

I killed her the first time I played. After getting manipulated by sorceress for 3 whole games, that was just my breaking point.

The only distinction of playthroughs that matters, The Witcher 3 Sex Paths

The Horny Self-Insert: bang everyone no matter the cost

Book Boner: follow Geralt's path in the books, bang almost every named character except Triss, mope around over Yen at every opportunity

This Is A C-Triss-tian Server: stay monogamous to Triss, ignore the smug pricks who read the books

Honourable mentions go to

I'm Technically A Knight You Know: only have sex with nobles

Venereal Plague Bearer: visit every prostitute

and Militant Monk: have sex with no one, kill anyone who tries to steal your precious seed

"I'm doing a PhD in physics." is not the dialogue option that leads to sex.

Doing a PhD in Physics.

If only it were as easy as OP is saying...

Careful though, that could easily backfire.

Dat girth gets 'em every time.

getting the boat scene with Shani in Hearts of Stone

I dont see anything unrealistic here.

I don't know, I managed it in the game in about 20 hours.

Still haven't managed it in real life after 25 years.

1st one I really wouldn't recommend unless youre really interested in the story. The story is great in the 1st but the gameplay feels really janky. I enjoyed it but its not for everyone.

Witcher 2 is great though.

Risky click of the day

Thank you, RawAssPounder.

It's funny because my boyfriend and I played around the same time and I was like "you bang Keira yet?" And he was like "you could have sex with her?! I killed her!" The disappointed look on his face was so good.

That's not a bug, it's a feature.

Ah, Ye Olde Romance Options

You haven't understood role playing

Idk how common knowledge it is but Romans believed that Intelligence was proportionate to penis size, where a large penis was considered uncivilized and barbaric and small penises meant you were an intellectual or had the capacity.

Step 1) be attractive

Step 2) don't be unattractive

Witcher 2 is a great game that I never want to play again

You can bang Vesemir?

If you had a small penis you needed something else going for you I guess

that shit harder than in real life fr

b.b.but they told me "Its not about the size, its what you do with it"

Or go look at some porn

Are the first ones good? I just started 3 again and I'd like to know the context but I don't want to trudge through them for plot if they're not worth it.

In case you weren't aware, there's a bug where if you finish with one of the girls, then immediately go and get another, the first is still in the room during the action. This can continue until you have quite the party going on.

You can do both :D


Ah, the passiflora.

Yes. Keira wants to go to Radovid with important research notes on how to cure the Catriona plague. If you let her, she will fail her bargain, and be impaled. If you stop her, she will fight you to the death. Your only option is to convince her to go to Kaer Morhen, in which case she survives.

Edit: Keira is impaled, not burned.

What? You don't want to fight Leto 37 times?

Gwent? The first card game to feature branching dialogue leading to sex scenes.

Also in said modded version, every option leads to sex

OP is the modder

My money's on the "Let's play gwent" option.

I was gonna tell people if it was safe or not to click it but that kinda takes away from the experience

Unless you're really ugly

there's not even too many sidequests in 2, it's very story driven - but if you go w/ Roche's path make sure you do all the fighting sidequests in act 2 so you can bang Ves

Jesus Christ don't remind me. That fight underground almost made me uninstall the game.

The guy who said that for sure had a tiny cock


Lol CDPR fucking plays you because half the women you talk to won't have sex with you. So many quests with a female NPC that you'd think ends with sex but shes like "Cool, thx for helping with my issues. See you around" and it's over.

What? The game practically forces you to have sex with her??

I thought it was like assassin's creed where you hire them to distracts the guards. I was like, "Hmm I'll just hire thus hooker so I can sneak into the house." Then a long ass cut scene ensued right when my kids walked in from school. Never clicked out of anything so fast before.

Mostly trig

“I can’t believe we fucked”

Best dialogue option right there.

I couldnt because heart of stone crashed at exact this scene when it released...


Ah yes gwent my favorite rpg

Yeah you can end up sending her into hiding in kaer morhen and taking the research stuff off of her I think.

You dont know what kind of porn there is these days

Replace Geralt with Commander Shepard and you’ve basically got my childhood.

Yeah, you do the same thing for a bunch of men that never offer you sex, too.

Oh yeah baby.

If somebody didn't play Witcher 2, they should just for that.

This is something I never understood. You are a sorceress that had somewhat miraculously discovered a cure to a disease and you take it to redania equivalent of the mad king Aerys

Tbf there's a version of the scene where she pukes and interrupts the sex if you let her drink too much.

Oh god that game was gold in every aspect

We'll bang, okay?

Or just visit the brothels in the game. They’ve got great looking characters there too.

No matter my intentions I always end up following number 1...

Well yeah, because of the implication...

Aren't there 3 different endings for her? 2 of those she dies.

RawAssPounder, doing the Lord’s work once again.

Just this

That's easy mode. I've found that if you're the perfect mix of sarcastic asshole and charming nice guy panties drop left and right, low standards help too.

You can kill her and than have sex with her corpse? Geralt ain't picky, huh?

Yes. But it's quite a difficult fight, so many people take a large number of attempts at it. I remember on my first playthrough I didn't know it was coming, and you can't drink potions during the fight, so it took me probably 20 attempts.

not ig not irl

I hope this comment gets the recognition it deserves.

Guys, it's the witcher...


Nobody respects the age ratings, do they?

You mean when you released?

She basically beats you over the head with it though.

2 pi r .. the info is available for that too..

I saw Spartacus, the horse dick dude was dumb as shit

It is. But you have to do it just right, lest you end up with the "Child for Life" side quest.

Thanks for reminding me of how much I love Kinzie.

Those are not even physics. It's all calculus...

I liked both games but I somehow missed every sidequest in Witcher 2 which makes me a bit sad.

TIL you can bang Ves

Uhh I think you mean “T H I C C 3”!

That's the spirit!


You might need /sub/gamesthemovie

Nina Simone

A) Go across the hall to the chemistry department where there are actually women.

B) Leave math/videogames/anime in lab.

C) Bring gummi bears, Snapple,

D) Be smooth nerdy pimp.

E) Reap rewards, get girl/guy.

F) Hail social science.

G) Win Nobel while you aren't slacking off.

You can abandon that quest with the "Coat Hanger" item.

I love the game, but this specific interaction with Keira epitomizes W3s greatest flaw - some epicly badly designed dialogue options. It's impossible to make reasonable predictions on what Geralt is going to say or do based on your choices.

In many cases the follow-up is absolutely identical regardless of the chosen option - and in some cases, seemingly similar options lead to wildly differing utterings by Geralt.

Keira, together with the Bloody Baron, is the first character you have intense quests, spent significant time and establish a bond with. When Keira wants to leave, you have the options:

1) Can't let you do that. 2) It's suicide. 3) Fine, leave then.

Option 1 leads to you immediately killing her, option 3 leads to her disappearing and you get to see her corpse later on. Option 2 leads to some sort of contorted dialogue where it's possible to stay friends. Go figure.

Yeah you can be butt ugly and get fucked fine. You just gotta have a ton of confidence and personality.

No, just that some players assume that because the game has sex in it and you can sleep with some women that you can probably sleep with each one you interact with, but can't

They still owe me a threesome for that fencing quest

Needs wraith oil..

You been taking advice from Louis CK?

In the storyline where she lives, I kind of like how she ends up. I think she and Lambert are perfect for each other.

Way to go OP's mom most likely... "Son you cant get laid without knowing advanced physics... So do good in school!"