Tifu tifu

TIFU by having my reddit history revealed by Jimmy Kimmel live on TV

TIFU by having my reddit history revealed by Jimmy Kimmel live on TV
TIFU by having my reddit history revealed by Jimmy Kimmel live on TV

This happened to me yesterday and I'm still baffled.

It all started when I posted a comparison picture of a dog which looks like the actor William H. Macy. I couldn't stop laughin over it but I never thought it would gain so much attention.

However it ended up on the front page with much more upvotes I could have imagined. This alone was crazy for me because I never expected to have a submission on the front page.

When I checked my phone the next morning my reddit inbox exploded over the sheer amount of youtube links I received. I checked them and found my submission on the latest Jimmy Kimmel Show with Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian. I was mind blown over this.

They proceeded talking over reddit users and Jimmy ended up checking my history. Well I hardly ever post filthy stuff but I commented on a NSFW TIFU a few days ago and I think Jimmy thought it was my submission at the short glance he took.

Keep in mind they even named and showed my username - he made it look like there was a lot of filthy stuff going on in my history so this was quite embarrassing for me and Im getting a lot of crazy messages now.

I don't know if this perfectly qualifies for a TIFU but on the one hand it felt like one, when he revealed my history with 'filthy stuff' as he said. On the other hand it's just cool and a story to tell. However I regret nothing!

tl;dr: Jimmy Kimmel had Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian as a guest. They ended up browsing my reddit history and Jimmy made it look like there's filthy stuff going on.

Link to the video: (starts at 2:10)

MORE EDITS: There are quite some people asking for an AMA. Im already hated by the internet for "milking that karma cow". If you care I can do an AMA, it's the choice of you guys and gals. For today I have enough internet and I guess by tomorrow nobody will care anyways.

OH and thanks for the gold! Things are going so fast here I didnt even see it until now. Thank you unknown and kind strangers!

I tried to contact Jimmy via tweet but I don't know if it's allowed to link here. I dont even know how to properly format this post (I'm really a reddit noob) Yeah, I just wanted to let you know.

the sheer look of terror the Reddit co-founder puts on when jimmy starts clicking your username to view your post history as he knows what could end up on live tv.

nervous sweating

Quick everyone check his post history!

"he's going to reveal the true nature of my people.."

first comment 'baby, there's nothing micro or soft about me.'

"fuck."

Everybody's in OP's history almost as much as they're in his mom

Edit: Thanks for popping my gold cherry, kind stranger. Luckily my gold hole is still tight, unlike OP's mom.

TIFU by scratching my dick and destroying my neighbours £20,000 summer house

TIFU by scratching my dick and destroying my neighbours £20,000 summer house

A common theme in this sub, this didn't happen today but in fact yesterday!

First off I'll give you some context; I'm a fat, miserable sack of shit with a receding hair line.

I also live in the beautiful countryside of Scotland, in a village with around 100 people in total. The village is right by the coast so the views are pretty fucking good.

Now my house is in "an area of historical interest" which means that in order to get the simplest of work done "change a fucking lightbulb" I've got to get permission from my local council.

They agreed to let me cut down this ugly ass tree that blocked a good chunk of my view. On one condition, they provided the contractors that did the work. I agreed, happy to get the cunt out of my garden.

So come yesterday I was super excited for once to finally get rid of this tree, I'd put in for planning about 2 months beforehand so they took their damn time.

It was a two man team with a chainsaw, fair enough. No tension or nothing to keep the tree straight. I left them too it.

About an hour later one of the blokes is at the door asking me to give him a hand, I agree, "making myself useful".

They explained the situation and told me they needed someone to hold the top of the tree and stop it from falling into the neighbours beautiful summer house. I said sure. They'd already taken about 1/3 of the tree down. So I put on my gloves and they begin cutting down the tree, when suddenly my pubes start going on fire, so my retarded ass goes and scratches his dick for one second and you just see this 4 meter tree land right over the wall on their summer house.

Needless to say contractors left kind of quickly and the neighbours are away on holiday. Halp.

TL;DR Miserable sack of shit stops holding a tree to tickle his pickle and it ends up destroying the neighbours summer house whilst they are away on holiday.

EDIT: I've been to see the council and they've said they're going to be in touch. I'm expecting a court case.

EDIT: Council have had me in their lobby for hours, not sure what they're doing on my property or with the tree. Might be getting assassinated by MI5, will update soon.

EDIT: Apparently one of the labourers were severely disabled, and according to the council shouldn't have been working in the first place. That gives me some hope.

EDIT; Fuck me this blew up. I do appreciate gold. Need to clear up the "summer house" phrase I used which has confused the yanks. It's basically a glorified shed to chill out in the garden.

Was the tree completely removed? tbh I'd complain to the council that the contractors didn't have the correct equipment to stop the tree from falling.

Rather than saying "I scratched my... pickle." I'd go with "though I was asked to help, the tree took more effort to hold that expected and fell."

I'm sure you could spin it to get the council to sort this out.

Yeah those contractors were only paid to take 2 and a bit meters off and then a different company (non local council) are meant to dig up the roots and crap. I'll try and phone them today and I'll post an update.

So let me get this straight- these guys came to do a job woefully unprepared, were unable to finish the job, and instead of asking for someone else from their business to come help or at least ask you to do the least dangerous job, they ask you to help and force you to do the most dangerous job possible. So much incompetence lol, definitely not your fault.

Also you shouldn't be expected to help out; your expectations were that the city would provide adequate help to remove the tree but they failed to do so and involved a civilian, potentially putting you in danger.

TIFU by spilling coffee on an autistic boy.

TIFU by spilling coffee on an autistic boy.

WANT TO HERE THE AUDIO CLIP THAT CAUSED ALL THIS CHAOS? Wake Me Up Inside (Feat. Screaming Best Friend)

So, let me get one thing straight first. Spilling the tiniest amount of not particularly hot coffee on this boy is only the tip of the iceberg, and nobody got hurt from this. Physically anyway, my self-worth is hurting. This was a good two years ago, I'm new to reddit, but my self-worth is still hurting thinking about it.

I had four hours of public transport ahead of me, but I was ready for this. I'd created a two hour music playlist, and the other two hours was committed to finishing a book that I never got time to read. I settled in for the first leg of the journey, and put my headphones in. I pressed play.

Things were great for the first few stops, but as time went on, the train began filling up, and the once empty seat around the table I had settled at, became a family picnic area and playground for three passengers who took the seats at the table I was at. It's worth mentioning at this point that I had a window seat. So basically I was stuck, when things went terribly wrong.

So, the young boy, his older teenage sister, who was using an i-pad, and his mother beside me, who was reading what seemed to be a recently bought book from a station's WHSmiths, settled down for the journey. And the young boy quietly played with his toys and sipped his ribena and ate his banana sandwich, all while I happily listened to music with my earphones in at half volume. Everything was fine.

Until that is, the track changed, and a mp3 began playing that I totally did not mean to put on my playlist. My best friends voice, screaming at the top of his possibly drunken lungs 'Wake Me Up Inside' by Evanescence began blaring in my unsuspecting ears.

Imagine a full grown man, literally screaming the lyrics, with no backing track, as loud as humanly possible, and I still think people would struggle to fully appreciate how devastating this was to my poor ear drums. It. Was. Loud.

And in my shock and pain, I wrenched the ear phones out of my poor ears as fast as I could, being that I could not get to the phone in my pocket fast enough to not cause possible deafness.

But in doing so, the ear phone swung right into the face of the mother passenger to my right, causing her to lurch forward, spilling some of her cup of coffee on to the table. And the coffee went on her brand new book, her scarf, her daughters ipad, her son's toys, sandwich, carton of juice, and his hand...

Now, this is where it's important to remember that the coffee was not hot, it did not burn the child and the child did not complain or show any shock to this having happened. He didn't even notice the splash of coffee until his mother started yelling.

And boy, did she yell. "What have you done? There's coffee all over this table, it's on my boy! You've burned my boy!"

Immediately awkward and apologetic, I scrambled to my feet to help clear up, not remembering the luggage rack directly above my head. Down I went, hands on the table, knocking the cup completely over, as I hastily stammered apology after apology. I was a mess.

Well, she was screaming. People stood up in their seats to watch the carnage unfold at our once peaceful table. The teenage girl was crying about her i-pad, immediately stopping by the way, when she realised she'd just hit the side button and it had gone to sleep. The mother was screaming about the coffee on the table, the now spilt ribena that her son had dropped, the struggles of being a mother with an autistic son, the wet pages of her book and the bright red, incredibly embarrassed mess of a 20 year old semi-stood and stooped next to her, attempting to soak up a whole cup of coffee with a single used tissue.

And then... The boy began wailing. He started pushing everything off the table, and - it wasn't really crying with tears - it was just frustrated noise. I felt like an absolute monster.

Needless to say, I got the hell outa dodge. When the woman stepped into the aisle to reach up for her bag, getting out baby wipes and tissues, I stepped out clumsily, apologising continuously, and making for the train door to the next carriage.

With coffee down my front, a bump on my head and a lobster red face, I stepped into the next carriage, then made for the next, and the next, until I was at the other end of the train. And in the eerie silence that compared to the chaos I had just left, I sat and considered how I never seem to be able to have an uneventful train journey. Literally. Every. Time. Something goes wrong. And this time? I sort of spilled lukewarm coffee on an autistic boy.

TL;DR - I jumped, knocked a mother sitting next to me, coffee was spilled, lots of screaming, lots of apologies, probably a mountain out of a molehill.

TIFU by inciting an emotional breakdown with my ear bud.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I am the mother of a son with autism and you clearly didn't MEAN to spill coffee on the table. You reacted to HER and it made the situation so much worse.

Even if you had burned him, which you clearly didn't, it was an accident. I know it can be extremely stressful traveling with my son but instead of chewing someone out for a mistake, you set a good peer model for them so THEY know how to act if a similar situation ever arises.

Shame on her behavior. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel bad.

Can you imagine how many of his meltdowns are caused by mom's reaction alone? Jesus.

Damn, that's way better!

TIFU by inadvertently pepper spraying my family

TIFU by inadvertently pepper spraying my family

Ok. So my fuck up actually happened yesterday evening.

I was makiing some hamburgers to go on the barbecue. When I'm making burgers it's quite the process. So here I am, all my ingredients are out, I'm making my burgers. In go the onions, in goes the hot peppers.

Burgers go on the grill, so I start cleanup. The peppers I have are finely chopped peppers from my garden last year. When I'm putting them away I notice a piece of onion had fallen into the Tupperware with my peppers and left a moist spot.

Here's my fuck up. I decide to toss the dried pepper flakes in microwave for 30 seconds to dry, while I put other stuff away. I look back with 7 seconds left on the timer and the microwave is full of thick smoke, and my peppers were on fire!. I opened the microwave, released this pepper bomb into my kitchen.

Within seconds I'm coughing uncontrollably and yelling at my fiancee to get the dogs out of the house. We couldn't go back in for over an hour and we both were coughing for about 15 minutes. It felt like I had sniffed peppers, and inhaled them. Like pepper burn... on your lungs..

Tl;Dr Burning hot peppers create harmful fumes. Do not microwave.

This...this is a new one. I now know to never microwave pepper flakes. Seems like a great strategy to deal with intruders, though.

spicy pasta

That's those creepy stories on the internet, right?

My dad accidently did this once trying to make spicy pasta. Figured he could at the hot sauce to the spaghetti water. Tear gassed the whole house!

Upvote for family meaning fiancee and dogs

TIFU by having a really high pain tolerance.

TIFU by having a really high pain tolerance.

So bonus points because this actually happened today but the story starts about a week and a half ago.

Day one: I am lactose Intolerant, and I had a stomach ache, no big deal I probably ate something I shouldn't have. No harm done.

Day 4: stomach ache is still there. I'm a medical professional, I realized that my abdomen on my right lower side was what hurt. Wrote it off as having too much ice cream.

Day 6: I thought to myself it could be appendicitis, but I shrugged it off because appendicitis is supposed to be super painful right? This was like 4/10.

Day 7: I realized I had a lump near my anus, I thought huh that's not good, probably just a hemorrhoid, I've had a few before no biggie.

Day 9: this hemorrhoid is the most painful one I've ever had, 6/10 I'll pick up some cream and Advil long lasting relief capsules from Target should be able to push right through.

Day 11: I start my vacation tomorrow and am going out of town, (I work in a hospital for context) well that hemorrhoid is really starting to hurt at this point, like a 7/10. So I go work thinking okay I can get a doctor to look at the hemorrhoid and give me some ointment or steroids.

Well I'm not having a vacation now, because I'll be in the hospital for a few days. Apparently my appendix ruptured a week ago and I just figured it was a stomach ache. Turns out that hemorrhoid was actually pain from the appendix ruptured radiating. The doctor told me that if I didn't come to the hospital within the next couple of days I'd be dead.

TlDR; having a high pain tolerance finally has a downside, didn't realize my appendix blew up until way too late. Ruined my vacation.

Sorry for format I'm on mobile, I'm also on Dilaudid and morphine (one then the other) so please go easy on me. Credit to my girlfriend who begged me to go to the hospital before vacation, I was going to hold off till after a 2 week vacation that I would have died on.

Update: so I had a few people question why I felt Pain by my anus and how was a lumped formed? So I talked to a surgeon who finally spend the time explaining it, when my appendix ruptured it caused everything else to inflame. The lump I was feeling was pus caused by the colon and gravity causes it to go down.

At least your GF didn't have to a write a TIFU by forcing my sick partner go on vacation and they died post.

Similar thing happened to my dad. Day 1: wow my chest really hurts, probably just indigestion.

Day 2: This must be a bad case of it huh

Day 3: Yeah, I'll go see a doctor why not.

Later in day 3: The doctors told him he was having a heart attack and needed surgery NOW.

My husband's appendectomy experience was similar. He had awful nausea and stomach pain for a couple of days, and I finally convinced him that he needed to see a doctor.

We tell the doc my husband's symptoms and he has some tests run. Doc: "Your appendix needs to come out."

My husband: "Can we schedule that for next week? I have to get back to work."

The doctor's incredulous wtf face shut him up pretty fast and he had surgery that afternoon.

That's funny, I had the opposite. Strong chest pain early in the morning, oh god, must be dying of heart attack. Go to emergency care, turns out it was just gas. -_-

TIFU by eating Peanut butter filled Pretzels.

TIFU by eating Peanut butter filled Pretzels.So my parents came back from a trip the other day and they brought back a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and left them on the kitchen counter. Every so often I would walk by, grab one and eat it as a quick snack. I kinda liked them, because while I like the flavor of peanut butter, most of the time I feel like its a little too strong and over-power whatever it is with. However, these pretzels the peanut butter flavor was a little more muted, and I found that I really appreciated the lightness of the flavor. 

Today i was walking by, and curious, I looked to see who made them. Atop the bag prominently was Kong. The name seemed familiar, so I looked around the room, swearing to myself that the brand was familiar. 

Then my eyes settled on a big rubber bone for our boxer. Emblazoned on it proudly is Kong. 

Mortified, I take another look at the bag, and in extremely fine print in the bottom right corner, "The perfect treat for your dog. Formulated perfectly to maintain good health!"

tl:dr; I've been eating dog treats for the past 3 days and enjoying it.

Edit: Here's the bag in question: http://imgur.com/a/uCTeL now with an added warning label at top.
TIFU by eating Peanut butter filled Pretzels.

So my parents came back from a trip the other day and they brought back a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and left them on the kitchen counter. Every so often I would walk by, grab one and eat it as a quick snack. I kinda liked them, because while I like the flavor of peanut butter, most of the time I feel like its a little too strong and over-power whatever it is with. However, these pretzels the peanut butter flavor was a little more muted, and I found that I really appreciated the lightness of the flavor.

Today i was walking by, and curious, I looked to see who made them. Atop the bag prominently was Kong. The name seemed familiar, so I looked around the room, swearing to myself that the brand was familiar.

Then my eyes settled on a big rubber bone for our boxer. Emblazoned on it proudly is Kong.

Mortified, I take another look at the bag, and in extremely fine print in the bottom right corner, "The perfect treat for your dog. Formulated perfectly to maintain good health!"

tl:dr; I've been eating dog treats for the past 3 days and enjoying it.

Edit: Here's the bag in question: http://imgur.com/a/uCTeL now with an added warning label at top.

I did that once, thought pupperoni were off brand slim jims

We have a product we carry called "Tuna for cats"

Had a lady return it once saying it tasted off. I asked if her cats didn't like it and she kind of got a weird look on her face like I didn't understand. I pointed out the small type For Cats (mind you it has a picture of cats on the label) and she just straightened right up, said "Ummmm, nevermind" and I never saw her come shopping there again.

My dad used to work at a petco. He would snack out of the dog treat buffet. He said they were all sugar free and were very mild tasting. They're just snacks that are safe for your pets, not snacks that are for ONLY DOGS OR ELSE .

Edit: 1k updoots? My lawd. Thanks everyone!

might wanna rephrase "human jerky"

TIFU and almost drowned

TIFU and almost drowned

Today I fucked up by almost drowning

This happened yesterday, July 23rd.

This was easily the closest I’ve ever been to death.

My friends and I were on our way back from the local bike park, about an hours drive from where we all live. We decided, since it was a warmer day, that it would be a good idea to go cliff jumping at a nearby lake on the way home. Especially since it’s literally on the drive home, it seemed like the best way to cool off, rinse the dust off, and end the awesome day of biking we had just had.

When we get to the cliff, the winds are HIGH. I’ve never seen this lake this crazy. Waves were whitecapping, and the waves looked pretty sizeable. This lake is usually as calm as glass.

What all of us didn’t take into account is the height of the cliff. The cliff is probably ~35 feet above the lake. So what we interpreted as 4-5ft waves were closer to 8-10 feet in height.

Now, we’ve all jumped here before. Many times. This is usually the place to cliff jump. It’s easy to get up the side, by climbing up a rock face and there’s a bay just around the corner, maybe a 5 minute swim (if that) in calm weather. Our plan yesterday was to jump, and very quickly swim back to the bay, which we had already noticed, was very calm and easy to swim in. We are all good swimmers, and we thought that the waves being “4-5 feet tall” that this shouldn’t be an issue at all.

After about 10 minutes of waiting for the waters to calm down a little at the top of the cliff, we all jumped. I was last into the water out of 3 guys. My friends were already hollering at me “YEAH! The water’s great!”.

I must not have braced myself correctly, because I instantly got easily half a lung full of water when I jumped. Immediately not off to a good start. I coughed it out pretty quickly, but already this had taken some energy out of me.

After yelling out at my friends how nice the water was, about 10 seconds later I realized that we were in some serious shit. The waves were FAR bigger than we had each anticipated, and I immediately started swimming towards the bay. Maybe another thirty seconds later, I realized that I was hardly moving, and that I was essentially not moving anywhere.

I looked back at my friends, me being the closest to the bay at this point, by about 10 feet. I will never forget the sheer look of terror on my nearest friend’s face. Immediately I knew we were in some serious shit.

I turned around and immediately thought to myself: “Okay, stay calm, focus on not taking on water and timing your swimming with the waves”

This was a good idea, I just didn’t execute it well. I took on a few (I honestly can’t remember) more big gulps of water, barely able to clear my lungs before them filling again.

At this point I yelled straight up so my friends could hear me “ABORT THE BAY, CLIMB THE ROCKS” and I could hear both of them yell back in agreement.

As you could imagine, the rock face of the cliff was being absolutely thrashed by these waves. My plan was to time my swimming with the waves, latch onto one of the rocks, and get a firm handhold, stay close to the rock, and let one wave hit me, and then keep climbing. I had done something very similar when I was ocean kayaking a few years prior.

So, while fighting to keep water out of my lungs, I latch onto one of these rocks, straddle it with both of my thighs, press my chest up against it, and hack up some lake water as I feel the water receding down my legs and back out.

At this point, a giant twelve foot wave hits me, the impact itself wasn’t the problem, but it pulled me back out with it with a force I have never felt before. I was off the rock in a heartbeat and instantly down to the lake floor, roughly ten feet down.

I put both of my hands above my head, slightly spread out, to try to feel for any objects above me, and push off from the bottom, away from the cliff.

I’m now back out to the lake, once again trying to time my swimming with these giant waves. This is where I start thinking to myself: “Is this how I die? Am I going to drown today?”

Now I’m exhausted, gasping for air, barely able to stay afloat. I can’t swim in these waves much longer. I look to my right and see one of my friends, about fifteen feet over, up on one of the rocks, just as a wave hits the rock, showering him in water as he disappears from my view.

Focus Look at the rock, time it, touch the rock, and climb as fast as you can.

I swim forward with everything I have and latch onto the same spot I had before, only this time I waste no time, I’m 6 feet up this rock in what feels like half a second. I feel the next wave lick my feet and lower calves.

My second friend is now less than two feet to my right, he pats me on the back and asks “You good?” In between my hacking up water I nod and he continues climbing.

After about 15 seconds I climb up another 10 feet to a flat ledge, already trying to peer over the rock face to see our third friend. He’s up, about 10 feet out of the water, bent over, coughing up water. I Yell “Hey! You good?” He doesn’t lift his head, just raises his left hand and gives me a thumbs up.

We climb another 15 feet or so, and we’re at the top. All of us flop down on the warm rocks, soaking wet, shaking, and bleeding as the sensation of pain comes back into focus. All of us have scraped up shins, I must’ve stepped on a sharp rock, because my foot is red, starting to bruise, and starting to swell. I’ve never been happier to be injured in my life. It’s way better than drowning in that water. Both of the other guys have minor scrapes and bruises as well.

I fully realize that this was an incredibly stupid decision, and I’m extremely thankful to be alive. Today has been weird. I feel incredibly lucky that I survived and I cannot stop replaying the situation in my head.

TL;DR Misjudged how high the waves were. Jumped off cliff into raging water, almost didn’t make it out.

I was just scrolling through a friend's Facebook that drowned 4 years ago. I still picture him in his last moments and what must've been going through his head. Glad you made it, OP.

Time for a dramatic reenactment!

Damn dude. You should go get pictures of the cliff & post em.

But did you die?

TIFU by breaking a co-workers nose who was praying.

TIFU by breaking a co-workers nose who was praying.

resubmitted because I forgot the TL;DR - sorry Mod. Also a throwaway account as Im embarrassed and upset about it.

Happened today. Pretty annoyed about it still. I've been away for a week and today was my first day back at work. We have had some building works done recently but I had no idea what would happen next. Being in IT I had a crap load of stuff to do so been mainly catching up with email etc... At 3pm I needed to change the backup tapes. I walk to the server room in which you have to walk through our post room first. The door is closed but that's nothing strange, its always closed as only a few people are allowed access. I open the door with force, bang straight into some guys head splattering his nose. WTF!! Im asking him is he is ok and receptionist comes running over saying he is praying. "Why has no one told me?" I ask. Im in and out of that room about 4-5 times day. The original room he was using is being rebuilt and no one care to tell me about his new temporary home. Broken nose I am told.

TL;DR Opened a door that was shut, didn't expect anyone to be in there. A co-worker was in there praying. Door hits him on nose breaking it. blood everywhere

I really hope you don't let this eat at you - it's definitely not your fault. Sure you could have slowed down, but he could have thought about his positioning and the possible consequences of being in said position.

So let me get this straight....

He is sitting on the other side of a door that swings inward - towards himself - with no way of warning the person opening the door that he is there, in this position?

Someone... possibly multiple someones.... is responsible for this. It ain't you. There is no version of this where you are responsible.

The first time someone seems to indicate you are responsible 'you should be more careful opening doors' you put things in terms EXACTLY like I did.

Throw it back at the dickbags face, 'why was he sitting in the path of how a door opens? Who the fuck does this? Does OSHA know? has an injury report been filled out?

In fact, why wasn't I consulted about the injury report? Why was none filled out? I m calling HR...'.

Hey, I broke a co-workers nose at work too! Great ice breaker, ended up marrying her. Prepare yourself for some romance!

Edit# so good at typing.

"TIFU by praying behind a door"

TIFU By Farting During Mass and Making the Priest Laugh

TIFU By Farting During Mass and Making the Priest Laugh

This actually happened about an hour ago. I'm just now starting to come out of my humiliating shock.

So...I'm sitting at mass listening to the reading when I feel a slight grumble in my stomach,

"uh oh...gas."

No biggie, this has happened before, I'll either wait for a song and let it go or wait for the homily (sermon for you protestants) and sneak over into the bathroom and take care of business. But alas, my body had other plans.

We stood to chant the psalm, the pressure is building, I'm starting to panic, not sure if I can hold it. We finish the psalm and the church goes to sit and just as I land on the pew...

IT HAPPENED!

Now this wasn't a quick fart, it was one of those that lasted a few seconds, a cheek rumbler, and the sound was amplified by the solid oak pew. It created a lovely vibrato that echoed off the walls and filled the church with what could best be described as Gabriel's trumpet.

The church was quiet for a few seconds then the giggling started, I looked up to the altar and the priest was physically trying not to laugh, the second reader ascended the altar. At this point, there is muffled laughter all around...then...it happens...

The priest stands up at his chair, says "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I can't..." and he runs off to the side entrance to the sacristy, I can hear him laughing.

At this point I decide it's a total loss, I shame facedly duck out of the back of the church, run to my car and have been hiding in my house ever since.

TL;DR Farted during mass, made the priest laugh and now I gotta find another church.

It's okay. Just turn the other cheek.

Any dumbass who feels the need to let everyone know what an enlightened le atheist he is will receive a ban. Thanks.

God is not offended by farts. Its good to laugh in church. Well played. Just wish someone had shouted an 'AMEN'!

I mean the dude ran away afterwards, so I'm imagining people know.

Either way it's not a big deal. Farts are funny and natural. As long as OP isn't dropping thunder every Sunday he's fine.

TIFU by eating expired chicken tenders

TIFU by eating expired chicken tenders

At my job, we serve chicken tenders and fries, among other things. They come in a box and sometimes we pre-make them before rushes and put them under a heat lamp for people to grab. After they've been sitting for 45 minutes, they are considered expired and are supposed to be thrown away. It is against corporate policy to eat the expired food and it must be thrown away.

Pfffft. As if we're all going to do that.

Now granted, I'm a manager, so I should be enforcing that rule, but it's supposedly for our own safety, so if people are willing to put the risk on themselves, so be it?

I've been warned by a superior a couple times not to eat it, but usually the conversation goes:

Her: "You paid for that right?"

Me: "Yeah of course"

And then we laugh and go on with our days because nobody really cares about 10 minute expired chicken tenders right?

Cue, the new General Manager.

I'm eating expired tenders in the office with him and the other superior I usually joke about it with. We're talking about some other work related item even though I'm on my break and not supposed to be doing any work whatsoever. She heads home for the night. The moment the door shuts behind her, new GM swings around in his chair.

Him: "You get those tenders from a restaurant?"

Me: "Oh no they're from our stand."

Him: "Oh ok. They any good?"

Me: "Yeah they're pretty good. Think they've been getting better since we've been detail cleaning the fryer even more regularly."

Him: "That's cool. Did you pay full price for them?"

Me (thinking this is part of the joke): "Oh you know we get our discount and all that."

Him: "That's weird. I don't see your name on the list of employee discounts for the day." In my head I'm thinking, damn he's taking this joke pretty far.

Me: "Well I thought I paid for them, if I didn't I can go do that right now."

Him: "How do you not know?" I get nervous at this point.

Me internally: "What the fuck is happening"

Me out loud: "Uh well I mean maybe something happened and the transaction got cancelled I don't know I'll go pay right now."

Him: "What do you mean the transaction got cancelled? Did you pay or did you not?"

Me: "UHHH I thought I did but I'll go pay now!"

Him: "So if I look at the cameras from a few minutes ago, I'm going to see you pulling out your card and trying to pay for these chicken tenders?"

Me: ....

Him: ....

Me: "Okay I don't know why I'm lying right now. They're expired. I know we're not supposed to eat them."

He went on to describe how lying isn't something he's going to tolerate then stormed out of the room. I lost my appetite and threw away the chicken tenders in the office trash can. Fifteen minutes later he called me back into the office, took my keys and fired me.

To make matters worse, I carpooled with my roommate this day, and had to wait for him to get off in six hours; plenty of time to mull over losing my job for eating expired chicken tenders and fibbing my way into oblivion.

TLDR: I ate expired chicken tenders and lied to my new boss about it. He fired me.

Was expecting diarrhea or vomiting. Got something even worse, unemployment.

Chalk it up to lesson learned. People at work are not your friends, they're your coworkers. Tough break though. Firing was a bit overboard.

Yeah firing went too far that manager is a dick. There's always a few people like that who love their power and love wielding it.

Me internally: "What the fuck is happening"

Upvoted.

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