TIFU by drinking a Capri Sun
This happenend last Saturday when I was about to leave from work. I work in a restaurant where the kids can play and adults can eat from the buffet or from the menu. When I was done I grabbed a Capri Sun from the bar to take with me so I can drink it when I'm in the car. But I grabbed the Capri Sun without asking because I thought that it was al right. But little did I know that I got a call on Monday from my boss(who wasn't there a the time). He tells me that he saw that I took a Capri sun on the security camera and asked the supervisor if I asked if I could grab one (what I have not done). So he basically told me one the phone that he couldn't trust me anymore and fired me. I worked there for 3,5 years and lost this job for a 1 euro capri sun.
TLDR: Grabbed a Capri sun without asking and got fired because of it.
English isn't my first language so be gentle
*EDIT2: Some people wantend more info. At the place there work around 60 people it isn't a chain just a place where you can make some simple money (even though I get minimum wage). In the time I have been there I worked every weekend, I even came I they called me if it was a busy day. But I guess he didn't care about me. By the way I like the colleagues I had there, but I never really liked the boss (like most of the colleagues). Have a good day!
Sounds like dude was looking for any reason to fire you if you've worked there for 3.5 years but he's not going to give you a warning for taking one euro. He probably could've taken it out of your next check too.
Technically speaking you are in the wrong but for one euro? It was an overreaction on his behalf.
TIFU by giving a girl (whom I happen to really like) a lend of my pen
I'm a pen chewer, and a chewing gum chewer. One day I was sitting in the library and had my pen in my mouth and things got messy and the chewing gum got stuck to the end of the pen. To save myself the embarrassment of trying to pull it all off, I quickly put the lid on the end of the pen, over the chewing gum, and put it in my pencil case.
So, one month later, just when I think my life couldn't get any worse, this happens. I'm sitting in a 9am lecture bored out of my mind when this girl I really like asks if I have a green pen.
Now just some background info, this girl and I have been friends for 3 years now, I really like her and I'm quite certain she may like me too- nope, MAY HAVE LIKED me too. Anyway, she's what I'd call perfect, and really cool.
So because I'm a nice guy and I'm madly in love with her, I go to my pencil case and take out my green pen, and hand it to her. But, only after handing it to her I realise that the lid is on the end of it. It was 'the' green pen.
The lecturer was chatting and the class was all silent paying attention to him, but all that was running through my head is what could happen if she takes the lid off. And what do you know, off comes the lid.. but somehow she didn't notice the chewing gum, she was just fiddling with the pen, swinging it as she put all her attention on the lecturer.
I couldn't just yank the pen off her, I had to just hope that the lid went back on, but before I knew it that thing was in her mouth. Yes, she was also a pen chewer. Yes, the gum came in contact with her mouth. Yes she realised. Yes she took the pen out immediately. Yes she saw the old, white, sticky piece of gum that was stuck to the end of the pen. Yes my face turned into a tomato. Yes the 2 girls beside her saw what happened.
So at this point it couldn't possibly get any worse, but, since it's me, of course it did. She stood up abruptly, covered her mouth with her hand, ran out of the lecture, her friend followed, and I can only assume she threw up. I'm now sitting in the back of the library, and have been for the last 4 hours. Safe to say that TIFU.
More to follow.
TL;DR: Girl I really like is looking for a green pen, I give her my green pen which also has a month old piece of chewing gum on the end of it, I realise when it's too late, she doesn't see chewing gum, starts chewing on end of pen, realises, throws up.
Ha! Ha! This is great! Not only have you already infested her with germs, but you've already shared a piece of gum with her. Time to ask her out bro. Not many barriers left to landing in the sack together.
TIFU by underestimating the power of a suction cup
Gonna start this by saying this literally happened within the last hour. I'm a uni student, currently living with my girlfriend and four other housemates. I, as do many people, like listening to music when I shower, so my girlfriend got me a waterproof Bluetooth speaker, with a suction cup to attach it to the shower wall. I used it happily for a couple days, but then they needed charging. Here's where the fuck up comes - I am not a mature man. I started playing with the suction cup, sticking it to all sorts of objects - my palm, the wall, unfortunately culminating in my forehead. What do you fucking know, the bastard thing won't come off. I ended up with it on my forehead for around three minutes before my gf managed to get her nails under it, and I've never seen her look so horrified. I am now the proud owner of a 5cm long, 2cm high bruise in the centre of my forehead, and I have a meeting with my personal tutor about my dissertation tomorrow. Whoop de fucking doo.
TL:DR - not a mature man, stuck a suction cup to my forehead, massive bruise ensued, important meeting tomorrow.
I'll post a picture in the comments.
EDIT: For those asking, is a picture of me with the speaker still on my forehead
Before the meeting tomorrow put the suction cup back on in the same spot and hang a sign that says, "All Business, All the Time". That way your tutor won't notice the bruise and they'll know that you're all business, all the time.
TIFU by exposing myself to a Girl Scout Troop
Wasn't today, but rather when I was about 14.
So I did Boy Scouts throughout basically my whole childhood. One particular camp, my troop had driven all day to get to a campsite. We arrived around 8:00 or so, and I was super tired. I got my tent set up right away, and went to bed while the rest of my troop hung out in a cabin nearby. It was a warm, humid July night, so naturally I slept in just my boxers. It was also the perfect condition for severe storms. Boy Scout camps (at least the ones I went to) had a system for storms in which they would blast horns to warn the campers. I don't remember exactly how it worked, but it was universally understood that four consecutive blasts of the horn meant "get to fucking cover now." About an hour or so into my sleep I wake up to, you guessed it, the four horn alarm. The rain was coming down like you wouldn't believe, the wind was intense, and I could hear the tornado warning sirens from the town down the road. I knew I had to get to cover as quickly as possible, but there really wasn't much besides the aforementioned cabin. Being a dumbass 14 year old, I wanted to stay dry so I started hopping down the dirt road in my sleeping bag towards the dim lights of the cabin in the distance. This worked until I hit a deep mud puddle, and I immediately fell over and was covered in mud. At this point the storm around me was so intense that I was being battered by hail and twigs picked up by the wind. I was scared that the tornado was nearby (which I later found out that it was) so I crawled out of the sleeping bag and booked it as fast as I could towards the cabin. It was probably about a quarter of a mile away, and I was DRENCHED in mud. This made my already loose boxers very heavy and they kept falling down. I didn't care at this point. I was in full survival mode. I finally reached the cabin and I stumbled towards the door, boxers around my knees, and swung it open. Out of breath, I stormed inside to find not my troop but a troop of 6-10 year old Girl Scouts, fully exposing them to my muddy dick and ass. They looked traumatized, but I quickly pulled my boxers up and apologized to the adult leaders, who understood and gave me blankets to cover up with. Turns out I had run to the wrong cabin, and the one that my troop was in had been in the opposite direction from my tent. As a secondary consequence of this fuck up, my friends had all thought I was dead. At that point, I wished I was.
TL:DR Got hit by a tornado and ran naked to the wrong cabin in cover, exposing myself to young girls.
I'll be honest, I expected it to be alot worse with the title.
TIFU by microwaving cookies
This happened like 7-8 years ago when I was 8 or 9. My mom was out and hired a neighbor to babysit. My grandmother sent us a cylinder of cookie dough, and I wanted some. I asked the babysitter (we'll call her Jane) and she didn't know how to use the oven, so she said no. But this determined little cunt really wanted some cookies. So I sliced off some cookie dough, put it on a plate, and put that into the microwave. For 20 FUCKING minutes. Jane was with my sister at the time, so she didn't know, about 5 minutes later I hear her say "is something burning?" She went into the kitchen, saw the microwave on, opened it, which proceeds to fill the house with smoke. She grabbed the fire extinguisher and let the whole thing go, even though there was no fire. She took the microwave outside and it smoked for another hour. It broke. I got in trouble. and that, my friends, is why I can't have nice things.
TL;DR I microwaved cookies for 20 mins and broke my microwave.
Edit: Holy FUCKING shit! My phone died, then I woke up to this!!!!!! Thank you for blowin this up!!!
It probably broke because she sprayed a fire extinguisher at an electronic device, not because of cookie dough.
TIFU by preventing my partner from going to his friend's wedding
TIFU...and this was a fuck up that I unknowingly planned. Four months ago we received an invitation for my fiancé's friend's wedding that was going to be hosted in the mormon Mecca of the US. At the time he didn't pay much attention to it because he was studying for the BAR and he couldn't handle much more than eating pop-tarts and playing minecraft. I knew BAR study would be awful for him so I tried my best to take unnecessary stressors away (not like that is possible with the BAR) by making sure that he had an endless supply of treats, food, water, redbull...etc... He did not have the time or energy to plan for the trip so I took it upon myself to find the best deal possible...and boy did I think I had found it! I was stoked to see that it would be $700 for our ENTIRE trip. It was at this point that I should have thought twice about that price...or perhaps anytime within the 24 hr cancellation period :-/ Before confirming the website asked me, "are you sure you don't want to buy traveler protection in case you end up canceling?" Of course I said, "yes I am sure! who the hell buys that anyway...right?"
FFWD to today...the wedding is in 20 hrs and I JUST found out that I had only booked one flight. For one adult. A female. ME. God damn it.
TL;DR I booked a trip to celebrate a wedding and forgot to include my fiancé.
Can't you book another flight? Fly separately if you have to. Meet up at the destination?
TIFU by not wanting to get murdered
So my best mate and I had been having a bash of a time drinking and being merry when we decided to hit up the old weed man and grab some grass, of course he offers to make us cocktails and get us high so who in saint Josephs name would say no. "I'm already 6 beers in lad, I may be Irish but I am also a smart individual; I'm not driving anywhere." Says Zach, i too had been feeling rather drunk as a Mediterranean skunk so our plans had almost been foiled but loe and behold! Uber! Our savior. We call our Uber and wait outside sipping our beers from not-so-clever disguised coffee cups and as if it only took but a second our Uber was there waiting for us. "Hey Man, would you mind taking us to the Wells Fargo right there? I'd like to pull out some money." I say as my friend and I enter the vehicle. The man did not answer, merely giving a side glance. We drove to the end of the street, things seemed uneasy right from the getgo. "Excuse me? Can you do that for us?" I say. No answer. Just a sigh and more side glances. "Are you alright?" Again, another sigh. He tightens his grip as we pull up to a stoplight. Almost mechanically I ball my Keys into my fist to make some sort of key-fist mace. My friend and I exchange glances, he chokes up a little " it almost feels like you're about to kidnap us haha" he stammers. "Yeah you're kind of freaking us out" that's when I see his eyes dart to mine in the rear view. He looked as if he was ready to tickle my insides. I looked straight into my friends eyes "Zach, I'm getting the fuck out of this car" he nods and in one second we both eject at the red stop light. We begin to walk home as I get a text message. It is from my Uber "what is your problem? " That is when i see on the Uber interface "Your driver is hearing impaired". "I'm deaf I cannot hear" he texted me again. What's worse is the morning after I awoke to find a note on my door. Poor guy thought we were messing with him. I'm sorry Uber man, our perception of you only saw a Angry William Dafoe looking man ready to give us the old one two razzle dazzle. We were protecting our lives.
TL;DR Uber driver freaked drunk me out, decided to bail out only to find out he was deaf. My friend wants to add he also left his coffee cup in the gentleman car.
Here's the note for all the nosey people out there
Update: My friend has not yet retrieved his coffee cup.
The Uber driver should have had a SIGN in his car: 'DRIVER IS HEARING IMPAIRED'.
TIFU by going to the Eiffel Tower & getting my girlfriend and I tear-gassed, trampled, assaulted, and robbed
Obligatory: This didn't happen today, but over the summer. also warning some NSFW language.
TL;DR first because it's long: Went to Eiffel Tower to watch Euro 2016 finals, ended up in a riot because we ran late, got tear gassed, girlfriend dislocated knee, her phone stolen, my nose broken, and our passports stolen.
BACKGROUND: My girlfriend (who we'll call Emily) and I were in Paris on the very first day of a month long backpacking trip in Europe. We spent the whole morning smoking hash at Sacré-Coeur with some new friends, who told us that the Euro 2016 final between France and Portugal was that night. They told us to meet them to watch the game at the 'fan zone' at the Eiffel Tower but urged us not to be late, otherwise we wouldn't get into the 'fan zone.'
Being jet-lagged and burnt out from the hash, we took a nap before heading down, but overslept by an hour. We figured we'd head down to the Eiffel Tower anyway and see what was going on. whoops.
THE FUCK UP: Arriving at the Eiffel Tower we realize there isn't any fanzone to be found, or so we think. It turns out we are in the completely wrong place on the opposite side of the tower from the fan zone, and amongst a crowd of mostly troublemakers that is about to erupt into a riot.
The first signs of chaos are a small group of youths antagonizing police underneath the tower, and when we see a massive line of riot police facing in our general direction, we decide it's time to leave. As we make our way through the crowd I hear screaming and look up in horror to see a smoking projectile sailing through the sky, headed right for us. The crowd around us scatters, knocking Emily and I down, where a tear gas canister blows up mere feet from our faces.
"Get up! We have to go!" I'm screaming at Emily but I notice she's crying & screaming out in pain, not from the tear gas in our eyes but from the fact that her knee is so broken the thing might as well be on Mars. I throw her over my shoulder and go sprinting through clouds of tear gas out of the chaos and onto the Pont d'Iena bridge, where some guy snatches Emily's phone out of her hand. I turn and watch helplessly as the guy runs off into the crowd, Emily screaming "he took my phone!"
"Fuck the phone!" I run as far as my arms/legs allow and then set her down. I need to get her to an ambulance, but I can't leave her to find one, so I need someone to help me. So I start screaming at the crowd around me for someone to help, forgetting that I am amongst almost nothing but riff-raff of the worst variety. Nobody helps me or seems to give a shit, so I pick her up and run as far as I can and set her down again. A crowd gathers ogling my girlfriend's knee and staring at me blankly as I shout shit they don't understand like "911! AMBULANCE!"
It's then I am disgusted to notice a hand reaching from Emily's purse to my back pocket, and I slap it away forcefully, standing up from a crouching position as I do so, screaming "FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I look into the eyes of the perpetrator, a young African guy who loads up and punches me in the face, shattering my nose. As blood spurts out of my nose I look at the guy and say with genuine bewilderment "are you fucking kidding me?" He looks at me blankly like he is genuinely surprised to see me still on my feet and spitting profanity at him. I scoop up my girlfriend and start running for our lives.
I'm now running on what I am convinced is just an infinite bridge of hell on earth. Brawls rage around us as my knees are starting to buckle, my vision blurring. I'm bleeding out of my head onto my girlfriend's lap who is screaming in agony from being carried around with a dislocated knee. I am pretty sure we are going to die.
Suddenly I'm joined by our savior, a very large goofy looking fellow, who begins helping me carry Emily and encouraging us in French or some other language which we didn't speak. It occurs to me that he could be trying to steal from us too, but at this point I don't even care. Our new friend's intentions turn out to be true, as he and his group of friends helped me carry my girlfriend to relative safety and helped me guard her while they got help. (For a while I couldn't tell this part of the story without getting extremely emotional about this guy and his friends who stepped up to help us when everyone else was trying to take advantage of our situation. I'll never forget him.)
A bunch of paramedics pulled up in a station wagon, urging me to stay calm while they waited for an ambulance. As police pushed rioters further down the bridge in our direction, I begged the paramedics to just get us out of there in the car. With fear in their eyes and the situation escalating they finally relented, carefully placing Emily in the backseat while I jumped in the trunk.
They got us to a safe part of the city and asked us for our ID. It's then we realized that, as if we weren't having a bad day already, our passports had been stolen.
We ended up at a hospital outside Paris, where they did a great job re-setting my girlfriend's knee and didn't touch my nose which was fine with me. It's still crooked. Luckily we were able to get emergency passports and continue on the rest of our trip which was absolutely amazing. I still smell tear gas sometimes when I see Eiffel Tower pictures & trinkets. Good times!
tl;dr (again): Was late to the Eiffel tower to watch Euro 2016 finals, ended up in a riot, got tear gassed, girlfriend's knee broken, her phone stolen, my nose broken, and our passports stolen.
EDIT: Since people are pointing out how I mentioned that the guy who punched me was African, which was for the sole purpose of illustrating the scene, I'd like to add that my entire day in Paris was spent hanging out with African guys who showed me more hospitality than I have found almost anywhere else in the world. I hung out with these guys that one day for like 6 hours, they talked to me a lot about just how poor and starving much of the African population in Paris is. I harbored a lot of anger towards the guy that punched me for a while but I also understand the context of just how starving that guy probably was. people that are trying to politicize this, or turn it into some racist/anti-refugee talking point, or are leaving comments like "those thugs should burn in hell" should have a more nuanced perception of the world.
EDIT2: if the Alt-right folks that are trying to make me their racist champion just because I called the guy African would fuck off, that would be great :)
LPT: Don't go anywhere near the Eiffel Tower any time there's a big event.
Source: live in Paris.
TIFU by giving a young girl a mustard facial
Obligatory this didn't happen today, but this past Sunday, soooo close enough.
I went to the local flea market this past Sunday and while I was there, I decided to get some French Fries from a kiosk. The line was surprisingly long and I ended up waiting approximately 30 mins.
I finally get to the front of the line, order food for myself, my girlfriend, and one of my buddies, and while I am waiting to pay, I get some ketchup from the pump that is to my right, next to the ordering window. I notice that it's pretty difficult to pump ketchup out, but pay no mind.
A minute later, a young girl of maybe 14-16 years of age, asks me for help with pumping the ketchup out for her, so I say "Sure, I gotcha". She thanks me and asks for help with the mustard as well, so I proceed to pump the mustard and like the ketchup dispenser, it was difficult to press the pump mechanism down.
I press a little harder and POP! The nozzle flies out of the pump mechanism which frees the pump up to blast a fat amount of mustard out and onto the girls ENTIRE face! It's in her hair, and on her shirt.
I'm so mortified and in shock that I'm just standing next to her saying "I'm so sorry!" I pick up the nozzle instead of wiping her face, and when my fries came out, I opted to eat a couple while still standing next to her... I have no idea what was going through my mind at the time.
I had a great story for when I came into work the next day though, so there's that.
TL;DR pumped mustard bukake onto an underage girl
Edit: The girl was a good sport about it, when I said sorry, she told me it was okay.
For everyone that is offended by the sexually themed jokes, that's all they are, jokes that I used for imagery. I didn't mean to offend anyone.
'I opted to eat a couple while still standing next to her'
clear priorities. good man.
TIFU By sounding like a racist asshole to one of the world's best chefs
This happened about 2 hours ago. I was just able to pick up my head from shame.
Imported to know: My SO has been feeling pretty down lately and for the oddest reason it makes her laugh whenever she calls me and I answer with a stereotypical asian accent. You know like "a harro? Rike who is dis? Noo-dawls " Put emphasis on it, slap a sticker on it and call it a day. Makes her giggle a bit. She always calls from her office phone and I never save her number because it just calls back the receptionist, I just recognize the area code, assume it's her and answer...the way I answer. This will be important later.
I live in an area where there's a bunch of michelin starred and world renowned restaurants around me. We're talking like 500 bucks a person. I worked as a cook at one of these restaurants and like any industry if you make connections in a place like this doors open EVERYWHERE. Germany, France, Denmark, Rome, all these were now places I could easily get to because of the impressions I made and the people I met. I was a happy clam. I'm good at cooking, I really am. Restaurants like this require you to be. At work I don't joke around, have a straight face and stern voice because if they hear you having fun, they rip you a new asshole. Anyway it's time for me to leave this chapter and move onto the next. I let the chef know and he basically tells me name the place and we'll get you there. It was another world renowned Chef, asian chef who does amazing asian food, fucking badass this guy is an absolute legend in the area. Chef says no problem, we're buddies. I'll let him know about you.
I'M FUCKING STOKED
A couple days pass and it's my day off. My phone is charging and it goes buzz buzz. I run over and see the familiar area code, but today was special. It's Valentine's day and I REALLY wanted to go the extra mile and cheer her up because it sucks to work valentine's day. I pick up the phone and I fucking go for it... " OHHHH UH HARRO PREASE!!! WHAT YOU OR-DUH PREASE? YOU RIKE A DA PORK BERRY STEW WIT A DOG PAW BWOTH? I RIKE STEAM BUN!! RICE RICE RICE OOOOOOoooOOOOOoooooOOOooooooOOOOoooo.... BWONNNGGGGGG...." Silence on her end I usually hear laughter. So I say "hello?" After about 2 seconds of silence my heart begins to drop... after one more second I hear a voice that is not my SO, but a man's voice. He responded with " Hello, this is chef ______ from world famous restaurant, is this 2glamtogiveadamn?" I just about shit myself my heart sank so low it hurt me physically... I could only muster up enough words to say "Oh my God I'm so sorr-" "Okay" -click- He hung up.
The events that unfolded was what really fucked me. The chef called my boss and he was understandably pretty pissed. My boss calls me and tells me to grab my equipment and leave. Also they emailed all of their surrounding famous Chef buddies about me and what I did so I'm really fucked moving forward. All the contacts I established are essentially useless now. I fucked all my hard work and now I look like fucking scum and a joke, and in this industry I have no idea how it will affect me when I move forward.
TL;DR: Proclaimed my love of rice to the wrong person
Edit- added some clarification on a few things. Yes the karma hammer bashed me in the skull. Pretty hard. There's not much more I can do but laugh at myself for it because it was pretty stupid. Lesson learned, stay classy.
I know you aren't looking for advice, but go in person and apologize to the Asian chef guy and then your boss. You'd be surprised how much body language can make a difference and making the effort might at least save your future