TIFU by spraying Diet Pepsi all over strangers at the airport at 6am.
I need to wake up gradually with plenty of coffee if I’m going to have a good day. One day, in a strange city, I overslept and had to make the airport IMMEDIATELY. Through superpowers that I didn’t even know I had, I managed to pack, get the rental to the right place after fueling it, grab a shuttle to the airport, get through security and made it to the gate with ten or so minutes to spare. Although I had squeezed in a shower, I hadn’t had any food or, more importantly, caffeine, since the day before.
With my few leftover minutes I went scavaging for food and although I was looking for a coffee and hopefully a pastry or something, but at 6am not everything was open and all I could get was a Diet Pepsi and a hot dog. I find that Diet Pepsi has just a little too much fizz for my liking and I have this habit of taking a slug and then putting the cap back on, giving it a good shake to fill the space I made with my drink with fizz and then slowly bleed the fizz off by cracking the cap. This reduces the fizz to the perfect amount for me. So I was in a strange airport at 6am after an hour and a half of frantic scurrying without caffeine, completely discombobulated, and I take the slug, give the bottle a good shake, and then completely uncap the bottle, spraying Diet Pepsi in about a ten foot radius.
Even though the airport was only half open, the gate was completely packed. Everyone was in fresh, clean clothes on their way to meetings far away. I completely drenched at least 8 people, getting Diet Pepsi all over the front of them, soaking their faces and hair.
And all I could say was sorry.
EDIT: One of the best and most comforting things about Reddit is that no matter how weird you are, no matter how sick and twisted your porn, no matter how disgusting your favorite recipes, no matter how strange your habits, there's someone out there that does EXACTLY the same, or, worse than you. Except this little Diet Pepsi habit of mine... no one else does this - I thought for sure all kinds of people would relate. But it works!
TL;DR My weird technique of tweaking the carbonation in my soda resulted in me drenching strangers at the beginning of their very important days.
Its like the worst 5 gum commercial ever
TIFU by giving myself a deadly infection.
I went to the doctors because I had a rash, heavy discharge (which didn't look or smell like anything I or anyone else had ever experienced) and an "on-and-off fever". The doctor of course did a pelvic exam, and to my horror she found a tampon that I had had in me for several weeks. It had gathered bacteria and was the cause of all my symptoms. I was told that the infection is called TSS (toxic shock syndrom) and that it has a deadly outcome in 30 % of the cases where it occurs. So I'm currently being treated with antibiotics and I'm no longer in danger. Whether this could have longterm effects is unknown at this point, all because I was a big enough idiot to forget about putting a tampon inside myself during my last period.
TL;DR I got a deadly infection by forgetting about having a tampon in my vagina for several weeks.
Still a better love story than Twilight.
TIFU by getting arrested over a meme.
Like many posts this did not happen today, but roughly seven months ago. This is the first time I can talk about it for reasons you will find out.
Let's start here, I was coming home from a college tour (17 at the time) and decided to go on Twitter and , accompanied by the caption "Me when I come home from school." This sort of dark humor was not out of the ordinary for me, and was something that made me stick out from the bunch amidst my peers. I sat at work later that night and pondered deleting the post, but I just thought Nah, no one is gonna get all bent out of shape over this. I wasn't even at school today!
But boy was I wrong, while driving home from work and passing my high school, I watched two cars from the local police pull out from the school lot and I ended up following them all the way to my house. I nearly shit myself when I saw their turn signals come on before my driveway. Once I get out of the car they informed me someone had contacted the school over my Tweet, and was genuinely concerned with my intentions. I immediately retort that it was only a horrible attempt at dark humor, and quickly deleted the post. They then asked to search my bedroom and car to make sure I had no weapons, which I let them do because I could understand their concern and probably cause seemed real enough. They obviously found nothing and were out of my house in minutes. They then contacted my principle and I was told to not go to school on time next day, but to come at 9 o clock and go immediately to the office.
This is where my bad decisions start up again. As soon as I pull in I can tell they had extra officers at the school, meaning they really presumed I was some threat. My parents and I went into the office and my principal informed me I was suspended for the rest of the year, as only 8 days were left, and would have to appear for an expulsion hearing.
I became nearly hysterical, as I am a relatively prominent student and had never had any major disciplinary action brought down upon me, and all of this over a fucking meme? There was no way this was happening to me.
After this the principal informs me that the police would come in and ask me a "couple of questions" Moments later a detective walks in with another officer, and I am told, "This is a pretty serious situation and there is not much else we can do. So I will ask you to please stand up," and that was when I was put in handcuffs and walked out of the school; the township charged me for terroristic threats and some form of disturbing the peace.
I was immediately put on house arrest with electronic monitoring, I was not allowed to leave the house for almost a month. This month was a real shock for me, and I spent most of it solemnly and feeling totally drained. Fast forward a bit and I'm given a curfew, I start working again, but other than that not a word to the outside world or any of my peers from school. By the time of my hearing July 7th I had lawyered up, and already had walked out of my expulsion hearing with a win. With my clean record and model behavior, Juvenile Probation offered me a consent decree. This meant that all I had to do was serve a 6 month probation, do 25 hours of community service, pay my court fees, and stay clean to have all of this wiped away. We went this route and I had that damned bracelet cut from my ankle that very day, I had now regained some fraction of my freedom, freedom I had lost over a stupid meme.
Six months go by of good behavior (I had a pretty chill PO who I only had to see once a month) and I receive my letter in the mail officially terminating my service. It has been a long, dreadful seven months of my life that I am happy to have behind me. But I really do believe I have become a much better person in the mean time, and have no major regrets looking back. It is still ridiculous seeing how much can happen when you upset the wrong person.
TLDR: Tweeted a dumb meme that made people think I was gonna shoot up my school. Got arrested and spent six months on probation.
EDIT: For those wondering, I am very aware that the school and police had to react in the manner they did, and fully understand the severity of what I said. I had plenty of time to think my actions over.
And that's why you should stick with Reddit instead of twitter.
We're all fucked up here!
TIFU by calling a multiple parenting bloggers fucking idiots.
This happened about half an hour ago.
I run an education website and was looking for bloggers to partner/advertise with. I follow a pretty basic formula in all of my emails, and was trying to send out as many as possible so I just made a template in Microsoft Word and copy pasted that to each one. Then I finish by telling them what I like about their site, and asking them if they want to work with me. Most people don't respond, so speed is key.
What I didn't know, was that my girlfriend installed a Chrome extension that made it so any time I typed "?" it would change it to ", you fucking idiot?".
So, any time I asked someone if they wanted to work with me, I also called them a fucking idiot. I somehow didn't realize until about 15 emails in.
Thanks for reading this email, I really appreciate it. Does this seem like something your readers would be interested in, you fucking idiot?
Let me know! And have a great day!
I really like how you preach the importance of one on one work with the parent and think my product could help your readers. Do you think they would be interested, you fucking idiot?
Enjoy your Sunday, hope to hear from you soon!
I really enjoy reading your blog and would love to work with you. Does this sound like something you would be interested in, you fucking idiot?
Let me know! And have a great day!
I like how much you emphasize parent-child work for school and life success, and think your readers could really use my product. Would you want to work with me, you fucking idiot?
Let me know! Enjoy the rest of your night!
TL;DR: Girlfriend installed extension. I reached out to a bunch of middle aged parents and called them fucking idiots.
Subject: Error in my prior email
Body: As you may have noticed, there was a massive oversight on my part in an email I just sent you. As a joke, my significant other created a Chrome extension that changed all "?" symbols to read "you fucking idiot?". I did not see the impacted text until it was too late.
As you can imagine, this is incredibly embarrassing for me. I hope you can overlook this error, and perhaps even find the humor in it that she was attempted to create.
Again, my apologies. YOU LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING RETARD?!
TIFU by going for a booty calls at the tender age of 14
This happened about 6 years ago and I feel like everyone should know Anyways, I started dating this girl when I was 13. It was the typical lovey dovey early teenage relationship and it actually lasted quite awhile. Around 8 months we decided to start having sex. In order to do this, I had to wait till 1AM, take my parents car keys from their room, bust out of the guest room window, roll the car out in neutral down the driveway, and then make a 40 minute trip to her house. Then I'd do the sex, and be back home just in time to beat my parent's alarms. Clarification, this was the only way we could find to do it since both of our parents were hardcore Christians and were never allowed to hang out alone. Anyways, on sneak out attempt number 12 I remember thinking to myself, "Wow this is getting easy". Fuck up #1. I get to my girlfriends house, have more of the sex, and then leave. Get in my car and the ride starts getting bumpy. I pull over and see that I have a flat tire. Tried changing the tire, but my tender young body couldn't loosen the lug nuts . I make the executive decision to just try to ride it out. I lived 20 miles away. Fuck up #2. I get on the highway and turn on the emergency lights and slowly make my way home. Halfway through the ride I see sparks flying by my right tire. I look over and see that there is no rubber on the tire and I'm riding on bare rim. I take the nearest exit and as soon as I do, my car dies out. Apparently cables run from the steering wheel to the engine over the right tire and the shards of rubber from my tire ripped through and cut the cables clean. Couldn't turn on the car and all power was gone. Great. Check my watch, it was 3AM. Even better, my phone was dead (left it on Pandora all night). So I make my way down the road and try to walk to a gas station. I look to my right and see a church and the lights were on and someones inside. I think, "Jesus can definitely save me in this situation." WRONG. Cleaners think Im a junkie trying to loot the place. Oh well. Keep walking down and Im trying to wave down some cars to give me a ride. Finally see a car and I wave it down. It just happened to be a police officer. Fuck up #3 He turns around and then questions why a scrawny 15 year old is walking on backroads at 3 in the morning looking like a grease monkey. I tell him the story, and he agrees to help. He asks for my license and realizes that I barely have a learners permit. He feels so bad for me at this point that he overlooks it. I get into the back of his patrol car and start freaking out because Im thinking Im going to jail. He helps me change the tire, and then lets me borrow his phone to call my parents. At this point I'm in bawling trying to explain to my dad what I did and where I was. Pretty sure the officer is laughing the entire time. I then wait 2 hours for my parents to arrive (they weren't going to miss out of their sleep) so I just sat there thinking about the impending doom. To add insult to injury, I locked my self out of my car so I sat on the side of the street waiting. After my parents picked me up, I didn't see the light of day for 4 months. Im close to turning 21 and I think Im still technically grounded. My parents have gotten over it, but Im still exclusively known as the "Car Thief" in my family. TL;DR Drove 40 minutes for sex when I was 15 and then caused thousands of dollars in damage to my parents car and pride
EDIT: For those of you who think it's made up, I can understand. To be fair my timeline is off, but I relatively accurate. I tried my best to guesstimate the times. If you don't believe it oh well!
That's a long drive for a 15-second payoff.
TIFU By closing down I-40, the sheriff was shot
This happened 6 years ago... I used to sail sunfish. To keep my mast from scratching the hull of the boat during transport I would tape together pool noodles and wedge them underneath as a cushion. I usually tie them all on good but I noticed after this drive that I lost one. No big deal it's just foam noodles. A couple days after this, someone with prior military service thought that my noodles looked like and IED. I-40 was closed for the whole afternoon. Also, somehow the sheriff shot himself in the arm. The bomb squad robot shot my "noodle bomb" with a jet of high pressure water it went flying up in the air. I guess you could say I'm the noodle bomber.
Edit: Spelling errors and formatting
I really hope the delay in this TIFU was about waiting out the statute of limitations to avoid any potential incrimination, OP.
TIFU by melting my mother's wedding gift and getting my house infested with tarantulas.
This happened about two years ago in the summer when I was home from college.
So background story, I am infamous among my friends for being horrible at cooking because I get really impatient when it comes to food. I hate waiting for water to boil or waiting for the oven to preheat and I'm bad at following directions. I have flooded microwaves trying to make microwave mac n cheese, burnt soups, and unforgettably melted my mom's $400 wedding gift pot.
My mom loves to cook and often makes these delicious broths that she boils for hours on staying up during the night which she boils through the morning and turns the stove off in the afternoon.
On this particular morning, she made it on a weekday and therefore had to go to work in the morning and put me in charge of turning the stove off in the afternoon. I was like okay mom no big deal I can't fuck this up, wrong. After standing in the kitchen for a solid 2 minutes I get bored of waiting and take a nap setting the alarm for noon, fuck up number one.
When I wake up, I hear fire alarms going off and look at my phone feeling betrayed because my alarm never went off only to realize I had set the alarm for 12 AM instead of PM. I run downstairs to the kitchen to find it filled with smoke. I immediately turn off the stove and run to open all the windows and doors. I go back to the stove and lift the pot and lo and behold the bottom of the pot melted off from the rest of the pot, bubbling and hardening into molten metal.
I quickly bring the pot outside and try to scrape off the molten metal off of my glass stove with a spatula, fuck up number two. As I frantically scrape up a chunck of the hardening goo I hear my stove crack. I think "shit, I just melted a pot and cracked my stove all in one day this cannot get any worse", wrong.
Because I had opened all the doors and windows a freaking tarantula, A TARANTULA??!! (By the way this is in Georgia so tarantulas are not common here and I had never come across one until this day) crawled in through the door and made its way into the kitchen. Now this was when that viral video of the guy swatting a tarantula with a broom resulted in it exploding into million baby tarantulas. I had the maybe I shouldn't smack the tarantula thought in the back of my head but when that mother fucker moved I screamed and smacked it with a fly swatter, fuck up number three.
All hell breaks loose and it explodes into millions of baby tarantulas. I was mortified and tried to spray ant poison at it but by the time I found the spray can many of the baby tarantulas had made it way to different parts of my house.
I now had to call my mother telling her I almost set the house on fire, wasted her time and efforts going into the broth, melted her wedding gift pot, cracked the stove, and infested the house with tarantulas. My mom came home immediately and after getting an earful of anger and confusion she told me to make myself useful and move the bed in the third floor guest room to my room on the second floor. I rush over in shame and begin to move the box for the bed down the stairs until I see a baby tarantula crawling on the wall and drop the corner of the bed box on my foot. I wailed in pain and just broke down and cried like a bitch.
My mom rushes over and starts laughing at how ridiculous I am and said "poor sharonoelee nothing ever goes right does it" and deems I had enough and makes me sit on my bed and keep my hands to myself so I don't cause any more accidents.
It was a horrible day and I had a persisting limp for a good 2 weeks, but I can laugh about it now.
TL;DR: forgot to turn off stove, almost burn down my house, melted my mom's wedding gift pot, cracked the glass stove by scraping the melted pot off with a spatula, tarantula entered in through opened door, when I smacked it, it exploded into millions of baby tarantulas infesting my house, fun stuff.
Edit: The wolf spider looks almost even more terrifying than the tarantula/spider demon I encountered in my house. The mother and the babies were all black, hairy, and the mother was bigger than my hand. Thankfully, hopefully, none of the baby tarantulas grew up to be that size shudder but I do not need more pictures of spiders in my life, please do not send me any more pictures of spiders please and thank you.
Edit #2: Some people are confused as to why my mom sent me to move the bed. I came home from college for the summer so my bed was in my apartment in another town so I had to move the extra bed from the guest room to my room, sorry for the confusion.
Edit #3: To those saying the stove was long gone before I scraped it with the spatula, there is a crater in my stove because the stove actually melted too and the crack grows every year. We still use the stove, three out of the four heating spots still work! I think I managed to do about $3,000 in damage in one day (sorry mom and dad, I love you).
Edit 3.5: I will relink my photos of the incident into the edit tomorrow, afternoon, whenever I wake up... thank you for all your kindness and not kindness they all made me laugh throughout the day!
The title looks promissing, this should be good...
Holy shit, i was not dissapointed! Quite a day you had huh?
TIFU by taking some mints from a restaurant on a Tinder date
Last night I went to a Mexican restaurant with my tinder date for our first date.
After dinner when I was in the bathroom I saw a box of mints open and I'm an Uber driver so I was like "oh shit I can get free mints for my customers" so I managed to grab a decent amount of mints and put them in my pocket.
When me and my date left the restaurant I asked her if she wanted a mint and she took one. She opened it up and put it in her mouth and all of the sudden she spit it out and yelled "eww wtf kind of mint is this!" I told her idk they had them at the restaurant. Then she was complaining that her mouth was burning so I was like wtf kind of mint is it?
I looked at the wrapper and it had some Spanish writing on it and had no idea what it meant. I googled it and found out in English that it means toilet bowl freshener.
So yeah that was a great first date.
I saw a box of mints open and I'm an Uber driver so I was like "oh shit I can get free mints for my customers"
Really? Is that how your mind works?
TIFU by being an idiot
Happened literally 5 minutes ago.
My sister and I were arguing about if she needed a LifeProof case (expensive) for an iPhone she's going to buy. I took out my Moto G2 and, saying "iPhones are weak, look at this", dropped it from waist-height facedown onto our hardwood floors. I pick it up, them turn it over to the screen.
Cracks. Spreading out diagonally from the front-facing camera, then bouncing around the sides.
I feel like an arrogant idiot
- Typed from a phone that is otherwise working fine
Edit: wow this blew upEdit 2:
View my pain. Not totally shattered, but pretty badEdit 3:
Per request! Used my broken front-facing camera to take a photo of a camera taking a photo of my broken phone. *Deep breath*
Bonus pic, what happened when I used a flash. It does not react well to sudden light
I used to work for Sprint and once upon a time our lifeproof rep came in to show us the new cases and show the durability. Some customers were in the store looking at cases so he had them come see his multiple stress tests. He did a few different drop tests, a water test and what called the toss test. Literally just tosses the phone into a wall.
The last test he decided to show us was a ball drop. So he sets the phone on the ground and drops a little metal ball from chest height. Totally cracks the screen. Must have done it one too many times. Customers laughed and then left. He was pretty embarrassed
Edit: me stupid, make bad English.
TIFU by opening the office window.
This is not a fuck up. It's a strategic move. You'll be promoted soon.