tifu

TIFU I accidentally proposed to my girlfriend waking up from appendix surgery

TIFU I accidentally proposed to my girlfriend waking up from appendix surgery

Not really a fuck up, more just an unexpected suprise. So on Friday I woke up at 7:30 a.m. with abdominal pain. My girlfriend of 7 years told me to stop moving around so much and went to work. I was rolling around for about 3 hours until I realized that my pain was getting more localized in my right lower quadrant area. Since I work in the medical field I knew right away it was going to be an expensive day. So I grabbed my phone charger and went to the hospital. Was immediately checked into the emergency room, got a CT scan and was told by the doctor that I needed my appendix out that day. So I was admitted into the hospital, my parents and girlfriend came. They were by my side as I went into the operating room. When I came out of surgery and was in pacu, both my girlfriend and my parents were there waiting for me. Working in the medical field I knew that people my age (30 years old) say some crazy things from anesthesia but I didn't realize how crazy it was going to affect my life. When I started coming to, the drugs/anesthesia affected my judgment and i made a life-altering decision. I looked at my girlfriend, pointed to her instead, "I WANT TO MARRY YOU!" right in front of both of my parents. She was in shock, so she turned to my parents and asked him if I was being serious or if it was just the drugs talking. They reassured her that I was serious because I had "mentioned" marriage to them in the past. So she said, "of course I will" and my parents said," welcome to the family", then they all hugged. So yesterday I purchased her an engagement ring and the wedding planning has begun. So I guess the moral of the story is, sometimes it takes having less guts to have guts to do something?

Tl;dr got appendix out, proposed on drugs, I'm engaged

Edit: Holy shit, front page? Really? Haha. A little background story, i was joking around in the comments. She waited until I was 100 percent first to make sure I really wanted to do it. I have discussed with my parents multiple times that I wanted to marry her also. My parents aren't grandbaby crazy, we don't want kids. I love my girlfriend and coming out of surgery made me realize how fragile and short life really is. No more fooling around. Thanks for the gold and front page!

Eh, I'd rather just be married until I die than avoid an awkward conversation.

Jeez. I think you should have just said something later, rather than just going with it, or at least talked to her about it.

This is the most /sub/me_irl thing I ever read and I browse that shithole hourly.

EDIT:typo

Your parents are dicks, your mom should have said "Maybe, but you better wait till he sobers up"

TIFU by not talking to my kids about those "You've won a prize phone calls".

TIFU by not talking to my kids about those "You've won a prize phone calls".

Actually happened today and only a few hours ago so still have my heart racing a bit..... my 13 y/o (M) - home alone - called me desperately asking for me to take him to CVS. I asked if anything was wrong, if he was hurt, needed anything, etc. He wouldn't divulge too much just that he had to go and only had 10 minutes to get there. I objected, because he didn't give a good reason and I wasn't going to leave work.

Fast forward 5 minutes and I receive a call from my mom ( he's now resorted to calling others) concerned for his safety. He told her that he had received a phone call indicating he had won a prize at the local CVS and that they needed his address to claim the prize (you guessed it, he obliged). They also told him that he had 10 minutes to get there, that once there, they would give additional instructions and......p.s. don't tell your parents (hence the vagueness in our discussion).

I immediately called my neighbor asking them to please go collect my naive son until him his mom was home from work. Needless to say, an unmarked van later drive up, someone got out, went up to the door and returned empty handed. Might have been completely harmless... I'll never know.

TL;DR by potentially letting my son get kidnapped due to not talking to him about "Prize winning phone calls". Some people are doing it to scam money but others are not. Even if you have talked to your kids about the typical "don't take candy from strangers" or "don't post pics on the internet" or "don't give out personal info on the internet", you probably haven't talked about this. Trust me when I say that even if they are smart kids and you think they know this... they DON'T. They are not mature enough to logically think of the consequences.

EDIT: After getting home and talking to the kiddo more, I have some additional context...this was definitely more of a money scam that progressed. The call initially started with something along the lines around "you've won a prize because your credit is so good and tax status is great." My son just so happen to ask if it still worked for 13 year old.... he even went through the mail to confirm our address. Criminals are opportunistic and his actions progressed this further than it ever should have went.

We did end up calling the cops just to at least report the activity in the area and provided the numbers that they called from.

I have never heard of this scam. But it looks like a ploy to get your son out of the house to rob it.

I would have to agree robbery would be more likely if this is all accurate unless he was specifically targeted.

The whole thing seems weird and would only work on a local level. Seems like something someone would warn you about seeing on opra. I would contact your local police department because its someone in your area and definitly alarming.

*silently raises hand * .. I'm a smart enough kid not to do that ;_;

But on a more serious note, a parent can't possibly teach their children every situation. Instead of telling them what to think, tell them how to think

Oh my how scary!! Glad it all turned out okay.

TIFU by falsely reporting that my car was stolen

TIFU by falsely reporting that my car was stolen

My wife and I drove separately to church on Sunday but left together in my car, intending to pick up hers later in the day. Fast forward to tonight (Wednesday) and we still had not made it back to pick up the second car.

So finally tonight I call an Uber when the kids are asleep and sure enough the car is not in the parking lot. I Uber back home and call the local police department, they had no record of it being towed so I report the vehicle as stolen. They send two officers to my house to get my statement, I'm stressing about insurance coverage and feeling shitty for not just getting it sooner.

It's 11:30 and I'm getting into bed, and I make some comment to my wife about how they had the parking lot locked up... her: "I parked on the street, not in the lot".

So I fucked up by not confirming where the car had been parked or walking the 50 steps to check the street before getting the police involved. Sorry for wasting your time officer Ortiz!

So I just took an Uber back to the church and the car is right where she left it. I called the police department again to tell them my mistake and they made it very clear that I should not get in the car because it is still in their system as stolen. I'm currently sitting outside at 1am waiting for a call from the officer to give me the go ahead to drive home.

TL;DR: didn't know where my wife parked the car, reported it as stolen.

Drove to class. Took the bus back to my dorm. Had to go out later, spent 10 min looking for car. Couldn't find it so called the campus police. 15 min later they called saying they found it outside of where I had class earlier. Biggest and most stressful brain fart I've ever experienced

I feel a lot better now, knowing I'm not the only one who did this during college. Only I just literally forgot where I parked and assumed it was stolen. Really sucked to hear the officer tell me 4 hours later that they located it in the same place I reported it stolen.

Haha I nearly did the same, took car to local shop night before forgot I drove so walked back 5 min walk ( was close to closing time). Woke up thought car had been stolen, went to call police but thought fuck it dog needs food, walked to shop and saw the car, felt like a retard.

This is the epitome of being a great pet owner.

"Shit, I think my car might have been stolen! Shit, the dog needs food! Eh, the car can wait."

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TIFU, by hitting my eye with air.

TIFU, by hitting my eye with air.*This happened last Wednesday, 6/14/17

My Current Eye Situation

My left eye is a lazy eye and is much worse than my right. I have to have fairly powerful contacts, therefore I had rely on my right eye a lot. My vision is fine when both contacts are in. 

The screw Up

Ahh, It's early Wednesday morning, and my young 14 year old self has planned on making some extra cash thanks to a Summer job. I was going to be doing metal roofing on a fairly steep house with my grandfather. I'm accustomed to this job and it's not something I'm scared of, however I understand the dangers and take all precautions when working. With such a dangerous job, you would think I FU would be on the roof, right? Wrong. After hours of sweat and hard work, the job was over. Time to pack up! I start with picking up the old shingles that we scraped off to replace with shiny metal panels, then cleaned up whatever else trash was thrown around. Then, it was time to pack up the air compressor. I began to unhook the air hose from the compressor. I have done this many times, so I thought nothing of it. I began to pull the mechanism used to release it, however it was harder than usual (Most likely because it was under more pressure than I assumed). Here is where all my bad Decisions come in and turn into a FU. I pull, and pull, but for some reason it won't come off. So I decide to put my foot on it and push, as well as use both hands and pull the hose, therefore I had no way of stopping the hose once it came off and flailed everywhere. However, I wasn't really concerned about it, because what could a little air under pressure do?  POP. Yay! It came off. I god. It just hit my right eye. The hose didn't hit my eye, but the air did. It hurt, but it wasn't to bad. Kinda like when you get punched under the eye; it hurts, but it's not unbearable. However, when I opened my eye, there was a thick film or blur over my right eye. Remember, my left eye ain't worth shit without my right eye, so I was nearly blind. I tried to read my phone, but couldn't even see the huge ass clock on my home screen. I was panicking. My grandfather assured me it would be fine, and to just put some ice on it. I nodded, and held back my tears. we finished packing up, and got in the truck. I could tell the film had become much larger and thicker now. I asked my grandfather to look at my eye. When he decided to go to the eye doctor, I knew it must have looked bad, because he is know for not going to the doctor, like, ever. He has even cut out a in-grown toenail with a pocket knife... We get there, and the doctor tells me that I have blood under my iris (the colored part of your eye). He said any activity could result in the eye to bleed worse, and therefore potentially cause a blood clot in my eye and cause me to go blind. Then, I would be left with my crappy left eye, that's basically useless by itself. The doctor even told me stress and being anxious is risky, as if I can be anything other than stressed out after he tells me I might go blind at 14 years old. He tells me to do absolutely nothing for 3 days, and only open my eyes for two eye drops he prescribed me. And I did just that. For 72 hours straight, I laid motionless in my bed with a rag over my eyes. This gave my mind time to run wild and drive me absolutely insane while I thought about how horrible my life is going to be if I don't get lucky. I can't express how horrible these few days where, but I can say that I would have rather voluntarily broke my arm. Anyway, fast forward to my next doctor's appointment, and he said that I was very lucky and might be able to lay with my eyes open a few days. However, I can't do any eye tracking, so no TV, Games, or Books. What the heck is the point then? I wasn't even supposed to look left and right. Whatever, a few more days of nothingness, I guess. So once that's over, I come back to hear my verdict. Great recovery, he says! He tells me I can slowly start using my eyes more, for things like eating and showering. I feel great and relieved. Phew, I survived... He told me to immediately contact him if I have any pain, and whaddaya know... PAIN. I have a bad pain in my right eye the next day. So we call them and I now have a sty. I have a sty and a delicate wound in my right eye that may bleed at any moment. Cool. Well, today I woke up and my eye is swollen shut. That isn't even an exaggeration. Only time will tell how the rest of the story goes...

TL:DR : I hit myself in they with air that was under pressure, I had bleeding under my iris and risked being blind. Then a few days later got a sty in the same eye and it's swollen shut.

EDIT: It seemed to piss some people off that I explained what an air compressor was, so I removed that portion. Sorry I guess. Also, thank you very much for the anonymous user who gave me gold! It is much appreciated. Honestly didn't expect this to be such a hit.
TIFU, by hitting my eye with air.

*This happened last Wednesday, 6/14/17

My Current Eye Situation

My left eye is a lazy eye and is much worse than my right. I have to have fairly powerful contacts, therefore I had rely on my right eye a lot. My vision is fine when both contacts are in.

The screw Up

Ahh, It's early Wednesday morning, and my young 14 year old self has planned on making some extra cash thanks to a Summer job. I was going to be doing metal roofing on a fairly steep house with my grandfather. I'm accustomed to this job and it's not something I'm scared of, however I understand the dangers and take all precautions when working. With such a dangerous job, you would think I FU would be on the roof, right? Wrong. After hours of sweat and hard work, the job was over. Time to pack up! I start with picking up the old shingles that we scraped off to replace with shiny metal panels, then cleaned up whatever else trash was thrown around. Then, it was time to pack up the air compressor. I began to unhook the air hose from the compressor. I have done this many times, so I thought nothing of it. I began to pull the mechanism used to release it, however it was harder than usual (Most likely because it was under more pressure than I assumed). Here is where all my bad Decisions come in and turn into a FU. I pull, and pull, but for some reason it won't come off. So I decide to put my foot on it and push, as well as use both hands and pull the hose, therefore I had no way of stopping the hose once it came off and flailed everywhere. However, I wasn't really concerned about it, because what could a little air under pressure do? POP. Yay! It came off. I god. It just hit my right eye. The hose didn't hit my eye, but the air did. It hurt, but it wasn't to bad. Kinda like when you get punched under the eye; it hurts, but it's not unbearable. However, when I opened my eye, there was a thick film or blur over my right eye. Remember, my left eye ain't worth shit without my right eye, so I was nearly blind. I tried to read my phone, but couldn't even see the huge ass clock on my home screen. I was panicking. My grandfather assured me it would be fine, and to just put some ice on it. I nodded, and held back my tears. we finished packing up, and got in the truck. I could tell the film had become much larger and thicker now. I asked my grandfather to look at my eye. When he decided to go to the eye doctor, I knew it must have looked bad, because he is know for not going to the doctor, like, ever. He has even cut out a in-grown toenail with a pocket knife... We get there, and the doctor tells me that I have blood under my (the colored part of your eye). He said any activity could result in the eye to bleed worse, and therefore potentially cause a blood clot in my eye and cause me to go blind. Then, I would be left with my crappy left eye, that's basically useless by itself. The doctor even told me stress and being anxious is risky, as if I can be anything other than stressed out after he tells me I might go blind at 14 years old. He tells me to do absolutely nothing for 3 days, and only open my eyes for two eye drops he prescribed me. And I did just that. For 72 hours straight, I laid motionless in my bed with a rag over my eyes. This gave my mind time to run wild and drive me absolutely insane while I thought about how horrible my life is going to be if I don't get lucky. I can't express how horrible these few days where, but I can say that I would have rather voluntarily broke my arm. Anyway, fast forward to my next doctor's appointment, and he said that I was very lucky and might be able to lay with my eyes open a few days. However, I can't do any eye tracking, so no TV, Games, or Books. What the heck is the point then? I wasn't even supposed to look left and right. Whatever, a few more days of nothingness, I guess. So once that's over, I come back to hear my verdict. Great recovery, he says! He tells me I can slowly start using my eyes more, for things like eating and showering. I feel great and relieved. Phew, I survived... He told me to immediately contact him if I have any pain, and whaddaya know... PAIN. I have a bad pain in my right eye the next day. So we call them and I now have a sty. I have a sty and a delicate wound in my right eye that may bleed at any moment. Cool. Well, today I woke up and my eye is swollen shut. That isn't even an exaggeration. Only time will tell how the rest of the story goes...

TL:DR : I hit myself in they with air that was under pressure, I had bleeding under my iris and risked being blind. Then a few days later got a sty in the same eye and it's swollen shut.

EDIT: It seemed to piss some people off that I explained what an air compressor was, so I removed that portion. Sorry I guess. Also, thank you very much for the anonymous user who gave me gold! It is much appreciated. Honestly didn't expect this to be such a hit.

72 hours of enforced bed rest at 14? I bet it was red raw.

Fingers crossed that it heals quickly and correctly!

Oh sweet summer child

Eyes crossed for-- nope. Can't do it.

TIFU by being buried alive

TIFU by being buried alive

This happened close to an hour ago.

First time traveling to Japan, and have been here for three weeks. I am staying in a lovely Ryokan for the first time. Very nice place. A five minute walk from this Ryokan there is a a very famous Beppu onsen called Takegawara, which is both a natural spring bath AND a sand bath. I travel there in hopes of enjoying said sand bath.

What's a sand bath you, ask?

Well, apparently I didn't really read up on it to well.

I get to it and it's this super beautiful onsen with very lovely hosts, and I see a pit of sand directly after the women's showers. I put on the provided robe, cover up and think I'm gonna go play in warm sand and maybe bury my feet. I was the only one there; score!

Then I see two women with shovels.

They begin digging about a six inch, body-long grave just the right fit for little ole me. Okay, no biggie? I get to sit in a hole, cool.

I sit and it's great, very warm... And then they ask my to lay down. Lol, alright ladies calm down now...

I hear a very familiar sound of the scraping of sand on the shovel as they begin to dig and cover me with dozens of scopes of wet, heavy, burning sand. OKAY, this is different than what I thought!

My feet first, okay it's heavy and hot but it's just my feet so I can do this.

My legs up to my groin. Getting significantly hotter. I'm having a hard time adjusting.

Up to right below my now heaving-with-panic bosom. My body feels like I'm being crushed my the centrifugal force in those theme park spinning machines.

My arms. I can't move. Panic is definitely happening. Am I sweating because the sand is cooking my body, or because I'm nervous? Hahaha...

That has to be it right?

They cover my chest, my neck and around my head.

I am completely entombed.

This took these women all of ten seconds, and they place their shovels down to Look at me and smile. In a broken, accent heavy attempt at English one says "15 minute start now, okay?"

Nope. I have never noped this hard in my life. My sweat pores screamed and together in unison they all went 'Nope'. I'm pretty sure if I could have moved my hands would have signed 'Nope'. So what did I do next?

I laid there. Terrified. Imprisoned. Smiling at these wonderfully kind Asian women who just want to make me comfortable. That kind of smile you give someone after you blow ass in the bathroom and they hear, and now you have to wash your hands next to them. That smile.

I tried to distract myself, I really did. Without being able to move my head much the ceiling and the foot high pile of sand around my face and boobs didn't seem very interesting. I'm sweating, hard. I wiggled my hands for clearance but all that managed to do was make a cave of heat and moisture for my hands to soak in.

Time moved at a sludge-like pace. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, and it's getting louder and faster... I begin to have a panic attack.

For those of you who have experienced these in your life you understand the moment as follows, for the rest I hope you never have to.

My body would have left that building had a half ton of sand not been weighing me down. I writhed, kicked, and probably mastered a form of taijutsu with my attempt to escape my sandy sarcophagus. The women both scramble to me, one holds my shoulders and the other rubs my back . I have no idea what they are saying. My vision starts to go out.

I have no recollection of how I ended up from my grainy prison to under a freezing shower, but there I was with a puke bucket between my legs with two Asian women looking at me with pity and concern. I didn't actually get sick, but apparently they've seen this same scene before.

I get washed up and free of sand. They give me a bottle of water, new customers walk in and we part ways. Now I'm in my hotel room and I'm pretty sure I'm on some 'do not serve' list now

Tl;dr: Found out you can get buried alive in Beppu, Japan. I didn't do well with it.

Just reading your tale made me uncomfortable. Last weekend I thought it'd be fun to ride in the trunk of a car drunk, but about 2 minutes into it I was having a panic attack from the heat, lack of space, and claustrophobia

Oh, man! I just think the mixture of constricted movement and heat is a recipe for disaster.

Hehe 'blow ass', I've never heard that before. Also, thanks for the heads up. Now if I ever visit Japan, I'll know not to get the 'fire grave' treatment. 😄

You should try another popular attraction there - "Swimming with piranhas".

TIFU by dumping a whole pitcher of water over my customers head.

TIFU by dumping a whole pitcher of water over my customers head.

At the restaurant I used to work at there was an extra upstairs room for special parties and the like. It had a spiral staircase and a large round table sat directly below the staircase. One day a big party came in and wanted to sit upstairs. Everything went great, although it was annoying taking large trays of food up a spiral staircase. Once the party left upstairs i began to clean up the room. I was taking dirty dishes down in tubs and glasses in racks. Finally, there were just a few full pitchers of water. My tray was wet and I knew the pitchers might slide around on it but I put them all on there anyway so I didn't have to keep coming back up and down. I was at the top of the staircase and the pitchers started to slide around. One slides straight off of the tray and dumps its entire contents of icy cold water on an elderly woman's head at the table below the staircase. I think the pitcher even bonked her on the head for good measure. She said my look of horror alone was apology enough. All of my coworkers were ruthless about it, saying things like I tried to make a waterfall installation and what not. TL;DR- I accidentally soaked an old lady with an entire pitcher of cold water at work.

I was squeezing off a rag at work to wipe off a table and I accidently splashed some old guy eating it was only like one drop I thought he looked pissed but then I realized he didn't even notice and the look on his face was just an old man look

I'm imaging the elderly lady asking her server just seconds before.... "Could I have some more water, please?"

bit of a techie person

You could say that. In college and graduate school I used arpanet, and had a fingernail in telnet (as in, I found some minor bug that I reported and it got fixed).

My first job out of college was sort of unusual, in that I was literally hired to become an expert in image compression. Our purpose was developing realtime data links that could be used with remotely piloted vehicles, and indeed we held a number of patents in related areas (company owned them actually). So I literally had a hand in drone development, and I was a member of the Joint Photographics Expert Group - you may have heard of some of their work, nowadays called jpeg files.

I gave up finding better ways to find people to kill and went into medical imaging instead, where I am still today. Mostly I write software.

Cool part was sitting at my desk that faced the airport, and watching the fighters we made take off.

Sorry you asked, right?

I'm an old man - if you count 60's as old - and I've looked old man crotchety since I was about 12.

TIFU by thinking my elderly neighbour was dead.

TIFU by thinking my elderly neighbour was dead.

This was a couple of years ago. I lived next to an old woman - a pretty intimidating West Indian lady, who after just a week of me living there, shouted at me about some vines that were growing on our shared garden wall. I tried smiling a couple of times when I saw her outside but she just glowered at me, so I just kept my head down after that.

Anyway... after being there a few months I started hearing a dripping. Like she hadn't turned off one of her taps, and this noise was still there the next day and the day after. I started to get a bit worried about her so I knocked on the door... no answer. Looked through the letter box and through the windows - couldn't see any sign of her so I decided to ring the police. If she'd had a fall and needed help, and I hadn't done anything then I'd feel awful so... I explained to the police that I don't know the woman, and she could be on holiday for all I know but she was pretty old and there's been a tap dripping for days and no one is answering the door.

I'm not sure what response I was expecting but they sent two police cars, an ambulance and a fire engine. Which is enough to completely shut down a narrow English terraced street. They kicked her front door down, in front of everyone who lived on the street who had all come out to see what was happening, then broke into a bedroom door that was also locked and... it turns out that she was on her holidays.

They actually left a note on the door saying the next door neighbour had called the police. Grassed me right up! She gets back from her holiday, her front door is a mess, and comes straight round to my place, going absolutely fucking dingy. I explained why I called the police and she said "What's it to you if I'm dead? What the police going to about that? I don't need no help if I'm dead."

EDIT: For those asking, I would call the police again in the same scenario. Also... I've since moved home so it'll be a whole new door for them to kick down!

EDIT 2 - Clarifications:

The dripping: It was coming from a boiler - not sure how that translates outside of England but it's the unit that powers the central heating system (not an AC unit but rather a hot water system that warms the radiators and hot water that comes out of the taps). I didn't actually see it but the police told me it was that rather than a tap making the noise. There was already a bucket or something underneath and I think it was the drops hitting the build up of water in there that I could hear.

The house: It was a terraced house rather than flats/apartments so I'm not sure she even had a landlord for me to call - she could have owned the house. Her kitchen led out onto the garden and the boiler was in the kitchen. I could only hear the noise from my garden and once, I knew to listen for it, also from my bedroom with the window open (it overlooked the gardens). I couldn't hear it from anywhere else inside the house.

TL;DR Heard a dripping for several days, thought my elderly neighbour was hurt or dead, called the police and they kicked her door down. She was on holiday.

Hey, my granddad was lying on the floor for a weekend after a fall. :( Soooo... It's worth calling

We calledthe police for a wellness check on our elderly neighbor once after we noticed he hadn't taken his dogs out for a while... he was dead and his dogs had started eating him, so it was a good call.

My mom has said she's afraid that she will die and not be found for a while, and her cat will eat her. She's not bothered by the idea of being eaten, she's concerned that the cat will be traumatized, and that no one will want to adopt the kitty that ate mom.

Oh man! Sorry to hear that.

TIFU by not using a guitar pick.

TIFU by not using a guitar pick.This happened about 7 months ago. I was playing my guitar at an acoustic gig at the local cafe. So while a lot of people use guitar picks, I prefer to use my hands because I like the feel of it and I feel more comfortable with it. I had been growing my nails for a while so it was fine with me. 

While I was performing a song with a fast strumming pattern (Wake me up - Avicii), my lower E string got stuck in my nail making a weird noise and I felt a sharp pain in my index finger. I instantly  stopped playing and bent down grabbing my hand. When I looked at my hand I saw that the nail on my index finger was torn like paper and was pulled halfway back. I let out a scream and one of the "cue guys" came to my aid. I could hear people whispering stuff like "Oh my god that looks horrible" and stuff.

It hurt like a bitch and I went offstage for about twenty minutes. The pain was coming and going as the nail was moving. I asked them to put a rough dressing over it, some cotton and betadine. I asked for a pick and finished the song, horribly so.

My mates took me to the ER and the doctor numbed my finger and pulled the nail straight out, felt a little pain still. Had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for about 5 weeks. 

[TL;DR] Didn't use a pick to play the guitar, nail got stuck in a string and got shredded, had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for a month.

EDIT: For everyone asking for evidence, I managed to dig this up from my old phone, it's shaky/blurry because it was taken while I was in the ER lobby thingy going to get looked at. http://imgur.com/a/W4hx2
I can't believe I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to find a picture to post on the internet to convince strangers that my story is real.
TIFU by not using a guitar pick.

This happened about 7 months ago. I was playing my guitar at an acoustic gig at the local cafe. So while a lot of people use guitar picks, I prefer to use my hands because I like the feel of it and I feel more comfortable with it. I had been growing my nails for a while so it was fine with me.

While I was performing a song with a fast strumming pattern (Wake me up - Avicii), my lower E string got stuck in my nail making a weird noise and I felt a sharp pain in my index finger. I instantly stopped playing and bent down grabbing my hand. When I looked at my hand I saw that the nail on my index finger was torn like paper and was pulled halfway back. I let out a scream and one of the "cue guys" came to my aid. I could hear people whispering stuff like "Oh my god that looks horrible" and stuff.

It hurt like a bitch and I went offstage for about twenty minutes. The pain was coming and going as the nail was moving. I asked them to put a rough dressing over it, some cotton and betadine. I asked for a pick and finished the song, horribly so.

My mates took me to the ER and the doctor numbed my finger and pulled the nail straight out, felt a little pain still. Had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for about 5 weeks.

[TL;DR] Didn't use a pick to play the guitar, nail got stuck in a string and got shredded, had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for a month.

EDIT: For everyone asking for evidence, I managed to dig this up from my old phone, it's shaky/blurry because it was taken while I was in the ER lobby thingy going to get looked at. http://imgur.com/a/W4hx2 I can't believe I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to find a picture to post on the internet to convince strangers that my story is real.

Playing guitar with your fingernails or ripping them off. Take your pick.

Take your pick.

The real LPT is always in the comments

As a guitarist who relies on his fingernails, I am both sorry for you and terrified for myself. Trying taking biotin supplements and some nail strengthener polish

Did you keep the nail? Won't need a pick ever again!

TIFU when I almost died while paddle boarding with my dog.

TIFU when I almost died while paddle boarding with my dog.Finally happy to be reporting on a Tifu that happened to me just yesterday at my cabin in North Georgia. 

My family and I enjoy spending most of our weekends in the summer up at Seed Lake. One such activity we love doing is paddle boarding which, for those who don’t know, is where you paddle around...on a surfboard big enough to not tip over. The name is self-explanatory.

So on Sunday, I went out on the paddle board with my 90-pound Yellow Labrador named Dyson. I know he’s not ideal for this sort of activity, given the issue of balance and all, but he’s extremely chill about most activities. Here's him hanging out on a tube: https://i.imgur.com/pcTwFKj.jpg So he’s definitely not a nuisance on a big, sturdy paddle board...for the most part. 

In the beginning we were actually fine, with me paddling about fifteen feet from the shore and him sitting and watching minnows/wildlife. It was peaceful, serene, and relaxing. The water’s a nice, deep green and clear enough to see a couple feet down, so we were feeling good up until the point a snake slithered out from the bank.

If you’ve ever seen a snake swim, it instantly ups their “oh fuck no” factor by a couple hundred points. And this is from someone who loves danger noodles in general. But a venomous one slithering through the water, heading straight for us is entirely another matter. 

I went stone-still, hoping it would just go past us as though we didn’t exist, and it actually seemed about to do just that. Unfortunately my goddamn, 90-pound, spineless sack of crap of a dog had other plans, as he took one look at the snake, then at me, and leapt off the paddle board in the opposite direction. (Yes, I know he did the smart thing, but still: Fuck him)

I, being a tall, uncoordinated motherfucker, struggled to keep my balance as my dog jumped off, but he tipped the paddle board too far. So I ended up pinwheeling off the paddleboard and landing RIGHT ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE.

I went under for a second or two, certain it would sink it’s fangs into me at any point, before surfacing again. (In reality, it wriggled against me for like a second, and then swam away.) Immediately I swam for the paddle board, cursing madly. The snake was nowhere to be seen, probably noping the hell out of there, heading back for its muddy hidey-hole. 

I could still feel that initial moment of shock when I hit the water, certain I was dead, but adrenaline probably made it way worse than it was. From there, I high tailed it back to the boat house, where Dingus the Dog sat on the dock, panting innocently and waiting for me. He knew what he did, betraying me like that, but I can never prove it to anyone. Not my family or friends or even you guys, but he did it on purpose. Totally and unequivocally. 

And to top everything off, just as I came up to the dock, my dog stood up and tried to hop on the paddle board again, but this time I tilted it so he fell in the water. Revenge is a bitch, you big, yellow baby, and I will never forget this. 

TL;DR I went paddle boarding with my goofy lab, a snake slithered out from the bank, my dog betrayed me and jumped off the board, I fell on top of the snake, and almost died.

*EDIT: As many of you pointed out, yes, the snake probably wasn't venomous given I was in Northern GA. And another good point you made was that snakes probably can't strike from the water. Both of these are valid points, but try to see where I'm coming from: Wobbly paddleboard. Giant, marshmallow-brained dog. Danger noodle swimming right for me. Lanky-ass me struggling not to tip in. It doesn't matter if it was just a harmless water snake, I still got the hell out!
TIFU when I almost died while paddle boarding with my dog.

Finally happy to be reporting on a Tifu that happened to me just yesterday at my cabin in North Georgia.

My family and I enjoy spending most of our weekends in the summer up at Seed Lake. One such activity we love doing is paddle boarding which, for those who don’t know, is where you paddle around...on a surfboard big enough to not tip over. The name is self-explanatory.

So on Sunday, I went out on the paddle board with my 90-pound Yellow Labrador named Dyson. I know he’s not ideal for this sort of activity, given the issue of balance and all, but he’s extremely chill about most activities. Here's him hanging out on a tube: So he’s definitely not a nuisance on a big, sturdy paddle board...for the most part.

In the beginning we were actually fine, with me paddling about fifteen feet from the shore and him sitting and watching minnows/wildlife. It was peaceful, serene, and relaxing. The water’s a nice, deep green and clear enough to see a couple feet down, so we were feeling good up until the point a snake slithered out from the bank.

If you’ve ever seen a snake swim, it instantly ups their “oh fuck no” factor by a couple hundred points. And this is from someone who loves danger noodles in general. But a venomous one slithering through the water, heading straight for us is entirely another matter.

I went stone-still, hoping it would just go past us as though we didn’t exist, and it actually seemed about to do just that. Unfortunately my goddamn, 90-pound, spineless sack of crap of a dog had other plans, as he took one look at the snake, then at me, and leapt off the paddle board in the opposite direction. (Yes, I know he did the smart thing, but still: Fuck him)

I, being a tall, uncoordinated motherfucker, struggled to keep my balance as my dog jumped off, but he tipped the paddle board too far. So I ended up pinwheeling off the paddleboard and landing RIGHT ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE.

I went under for a second or two, certain it would sink it’s fangs into me at any point, before surfacing again. (In reality, it wriggled against me for like a second, and then swam away.) Immediately I swam for the paddle board, cursing madly. The snake was nowhere to be seen, probably noping the hell out of there, heading back for its muddy hidey-hole.

I could still feel that initial moment of shock when I hit the water, certain I was dead, but adrenaline probably made it way worse than it was. From there, I high tailed it back to the boat house, where Dingus the Dog sat on the dock, panting innocently and waiting for me. He knew what he did, betraying me like that, but I can never prove it to anyone. Not my family or friends or even you guys, but he did it on purpose. Totally and unequivocally.

And to top everything off, just as I came up to the dock, my dog stood up and tried to hop on the paddle board again, but this time I tilted it so he fell in the water. Revenge is a bitch, you big, yellow baby, and I will never forget this.

TL;DR I went paddle boarding with my goofy lab, a snake slithered out from the bank, my dog betrayed me and jumped off the board, I fell on top of the snake, and almost died.

*EDIT: As many of you pointed out, yes, the snake probably wasn't venomous given I was in Northern GA. And another good point you made was that snakes probably can't strike from the water. Both of these are valid points, but try to see where I'm coming from: Wobbly paddleboard. Giant, marshmallow-brained dog. Danger noodle swimming right for me. Lanky-ass me struggling not to tip in. It doesn't matter if it was just a harmless water snake, I still got the hell out!

TIFU by thinking that a giant two bodied floating monster was just some debris I could chill on in a lake.

So as a snake I usually hang out in a quiet sunny spot while the sun is shining, but otherwise I explore dark secluded undergrowth and holes for rodents and other easy meals, but Yesterday after getting all warmed up in the sun I thought I would go for a swim. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good swimmer and I usually love swimming, but I feel kind of vulnerable especially when I'm swimming on the surface and all that darkness is under me. It really gives me the creeps when I start imagining what might be under there coming up towards me.

Anyway, I saw this big piece of debris like a tree branch or something floating on the water and it looked like a great place to chill and have a look around. There might be some little animals trapped on it or whatever. So I'm booking it across the water to get to this thing when all of a sudden a giant monkey looking thing jumps straight at me! I thought I was done for, but after landing on me, this things makes this high pitched screech at me before swimming away. Yeah, needless to say I practically flew back to the shore and I doubt I'll be going swimming any time soon.

Hey! I'm not a giant monkey! I'm average sized. Everything else checks out though...

Perhaps you should retract the "tall, uncoordinated motherfucker" comment in your story then.

Snek 1, Doggo 0

TIFU when I tried to put my recently escaped puppy back in his crate at 3 am.

TIFU when I tried to put my recently escaped puppy back in his crate at 3 am.

This happened about 10 hours ago. We got our pup, Ranger, a couple weeks ago. He is a black lab. He has been awesome, if a lot of work. The cat isn't a big fan, and does sometimes hiss at him and tries to stay as far away as possible, but I'm sure they'll work it out eventually. Anyways, he usually needs to potty at 1 am and then again at about 5 am. So I have been pretty sleep deprived lately.

After taking him out at 1 am, I got back in bed and fell asleep. I wake up at 3, super groggy, not sure what's going on. I guess I had left the crate door open and Ranger had somehow wriggled up on the bed to snuggle with me. As he's not totally potty trained, I had to get him back in his crate.

I pick him up, open the crate and try to put him back in. He starts to protest, but the middle of the night is no time for whining about the crate so I just shove him in there. At that point he has fully waken up. He hisses at me and frantically starts clawing everything in sight, including my arms, then shoots out of the bedroom at mock speed. Still pretty foggy and confused myself, I click on the light.

There's Ranger, sleeping at the back of the crate. Outside the bedroom, there's Kit Kat, indignantly wondering why I woke him up in the middle of the night from a peaceful sleep and decided right then and there was a good time to lock him in 4'x2' crate with his mortal enemy.

The light also revealed long, deep scratches up and down my arms, bleeding all over the place.

This pic accurately describes the first couple weeks: https://imgur.com/gallery/km4Gw

TL;DR. Puppy somehow got out of crate to snuggle at night. Groggy, I woke up and shoved him back in there, only to find I was attempting to lock the cat in with the new demon we had brought home. Cat didn't appreciate that and I have some bad scratches to prove it.

Animals must think humans are really dumb

"Long, deep scratches. Bleeding all over the place."

So much we could learn.

do you have a pic of the scratches? also nice dog

Try one of these subthreads