Tifu tifu

TIFU By melting a hole in my solar eclipse glasses with a beam of focused super-light from binoculars.

TIFU By melting a hole in my solar eclipse glasses with a beam of focused super-light from binoculars.I want to preface this by saying I'm okay, no catastrophic eye damage to me or my father.

We aren't in the path of totality, but we still bought a few pairs for viewing. Now I'd like to say I thought I'd be one of the smart ones this time around, but looks like I almost bought a one way ticket to Stupidville.

As we were watching it, I got the bright idea (Pun definitely intended) of grabbing my binoculars and trying to see through with the eclipse glasses. So I put the glasses on first, then brought the binoculars up to my eyes. Took a minute to find the sun, but eventually I did and it was awesome! We could see some sunspots and the lines were so crisp and clear! It was pretty cool, so I let my dad give it a go as well.

As I took a second turn, I noticed my right eye felt irregularly hot. I brushed it off, especially since the binoculars favored the left lense for viewing. Once I was done looking I took the binoculars off and noticed my grave error; THE LENSE OF THE BINOCULARS MADE A BEAM OF CONCENTRATED SUPER-LIGHT THAT MADE A HOLE IN THE GLASSES THAT ALMOST FRIED ME LIKE A LIGHTSABER TO THE RETINA.

I threw the glasses off my face and look down from the sun and we both checked our eyes for ghosting images. Thankfully, we were both fine! But looking back, I nearly became one of the people I laughed at so naively.

Proof

TL;DR Used solar eclipse glasses with binoculars which melted a hole through the UV filter, almost disintegrating my corneas

UPDATE: Woke up this morning and... I'm fine. It's been approximately 16 hours since the incident. No discomfort, pain or spots. I think I'm in the clear for now. My right eye was closed for a significant part. I think I'd know if that super-light was in my eye even for a second. Thanks for all of your concern!
TIFU By melting a hole in my solar eclipse glasses with a beam of focused super-light from binoculars.

I want to preface this by saying I'm okay, no catastrophic eye damage to me or my father.

We aren't in the path of totality, but we still bought a few pairs for viewing. Now I'd like to say I thought I'd be one of the smart ones this time around, but looks like I almost bought a one way ticket to Stupidville.

As we were watching it, I got the bright idea (Pun definitely intended) of grabbing my binoculars and trying to see through with the eclipse glasses. So I put the glasses on first, then brought the binoculars up to my eyes. Took a minute to find the sun, but eventually I did and it was awesome! We could see some sunspots and the lines were so crisp and clear! It was pretty cool, so I let my dad give it a go as well.

As I took a second turn, I noticed my right eye felt irregularly hot. I brushed it off, especially since the binoculars favored the left lense for viewing. Once I was done looking I took the binoculars off and noticed my grave error; THE LENSE OF THE BINOCULARS MADE A BEAM OF CONCENTRATED SUPER-LIGHT THAT MADE A HOLE IN THE GLASSES THAT ALMOST FRIED ME LIKE A LIGHTSABER TO THE RETINA.

I threw the glasses off my face and look down from the sun and we both checked our eyes for ghosting images. Thankfully, we were both fine! But looking back, I nearly became one of the people I laughed at so naively.

TL;DR Used solar eclipse glasses with binoculars which melted a hole through the UV filter, almost disintegrating my corneas

UPDATE: Woke up this morning and... I'm fine. It's been approximately 16 hours since the incident. No discomfort, pain or spots. I think I'm in the clear for now. My right eye was closed for a significant part. I think I'd know if that super-light was in my eye even for a second. Thanks for all of your concern!

your eyes might be damaged. i'm expecting tons of these posts

And the fuck up was actually today

It would come tomorrow most likely

Pretty sure they weren't. I had one eye closed looking through the left as if it were a telescope. Fortunately the left UV filter was completely undamaged. I only noticed the hole after looking away from the sun. Fortunately.

TIFU By Burning My Right Eye Retina After Looking At Solar Eclipse.

TIFU By Burning My Right Eye Retina After Looking At Solar Eclipse.

Well... not today but about 20 years ago. I was young teenager in a summer camp and did not know any better. I looked at the sun through my partially closed fist (to reduce aperture) with my right eye. I have a small spot in my right eye that kinda static (like TV static). Whenever I take eye exam (reading letters), I have a very hard time reading letters with my right eye (because of the burned spot).

I have since got LASIK (I had a slightly bad vision) and my right eye came out slightly worse than the left. All because we could not get acurate reading (I kept screwing up reading part).

Burned eye retina, like mine, is incurable and inoperable. I will have to live with this all my life. It's not bad enough that would render me disabled, just annoying sometimes.

Please watch out for kids looking at the eclipse. They will see that all adults look at the sky and do the same. That is what I did.

Please be aware of eye protection tomorow.

TL;DR burned my right eye retina looking at the solar eclipse and now can not pass eye exam.

Edit : since evrybody asking. I've looked at it for around 30 min. It was partial eclipse.

Edit 2: jeez, so many of you replying with the same experience. This issue needs to be better explained to the public, maybe tought in schools.

Thank you for sharing your story, I would like to think you have saved at least one child from retina damage

I thought for sure your first line was going to be "not today, but tomorrow"

Tomorrow is your chance to even things up a bit.

Today you, tomorrow me.

TIFU By Laughing Out Loud at Reddit and then "Pranking" my Little Sis

TIFU By Laughing Out Loud at Reddit and then "Pranking" my Little Sis

Traditional this didn't happen today, well... part of it... here we go:

So about 1 yr ago I was sitting at a table with my family(including extended family so a lot of people talking loudly) and me being younger than most and also not drunk I was browsing Reddit. I stumbled across the post where everyone upvoted so that when you google Comcast a picture of a swastika came up. You guys know what I'm talking about. So when I read this I laughed hysterically, but my then 8-yo little sister was sitting next to me and saw the swastika that I laughed at. She asked me what it was and so naturally, I told her it was the international symbol for world peace. Yeah. All was well until today, when my sister saw the Nazi's on the news this morning(now 9 yo). Upon seeing their signs and shit she was reminded of the "international symbol for world peace" and began to draw it. At school. Yeah. So my parents got a call, had a nice little chat with my sister(who was in trouble at school for telling MORE children that a swastika is the "international symbol for world peace" leading to more innocent kids drawing swastikas), and apparently for the past year she has thought that a swastika means peace. My parents asked where she got the idea and she told them. I am posting this in bed, grounded, after accidentally(and indirectly) teaching a 3rd grade class that drawing swastikas is a good thing.

TL;DR: I told my little sister that a swastika is the "international symbol for world peace" and it came back to bite me a yr later when she taught her 3rd grade class the same thing.

Edit: Just to clarify I am not a Nazi

Edit 2: Wow thx for all the up votes and comments! Didn't expect it to blow up like this! To everyone that mentioned the origin of the swastika I tried bringing that to my parents and they didn't buy it... they think I intended to teach it to her as a Nazi symbol. Still grounded.

Ironically of course the original reverse swastika is a symbol of Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism and means auspiciousness and good luck

Actually, I think and could be wrong, the Nazi swastika is the one for peace. They took the original and rotated it 45°. They used a lot of old runes that were meant to be peaceful

You're posting on Reddit while grounded? Being grounded ain't what it used to be.

Well, you're not entirely wrong either. It's a symbol used in many religions, including Hinduism and Buddhism. That would've been my defense if I was attempting to get out of it.

TIFU by adding a secret ingredient to dinner

TIFU by adding a secret ingredient to dinner

Obligatory this wasn't today... More of a YIFU (...with my WIFU)

So my wife and I have been doing Hello Fresh, and I've been getting some really good practice cooking. It's super awesome.

Then, today happened.

It all started when I cracked open the bag. I poured (which I never do) the contents of the bag out on the counter, and the tiny mayonnaise jar falls on the ground and the bottom shatters.

"That's one way to open it," I thought. I picked it up and set it on the counter for later.

Time passes, I have seared the fish for our tacos, peeled the carrots for our slaw, and it's time to add the mayonnaise to the slaw. I turn the jar over and start shaking out all the mayo I can into this slaw. Vigorously.

Fast forward again... I've pulled out the fish and cut it up for the tacos; started adding fish, slaw, and sour cream to the tortillas; toss a lime on each plate and serve it to my beautiful wife.

I stepped away for a moment to grab some things to work with after we're done eating, and when I come back, my wife says, "Everything tastes really good, but there's this really sandy stuff in it." We proceeded to have a full conversation about what could possibly be causing that. I added sugar to the slaw, maybe the fish was a little charred, maybe we got a weird batch of tortillas.

No. No. No.

Then my wife pulls something out of her mouth. "It's really gritty!"

It was the glass.

We ate glass.

Tl;dr - Broke a jar of mayo, made fish and glass tacos.

Your wife should post this story to the front page thread "when did you find out that your SO is an idiot"

"When he fed me glass. Either an idiot or trying to kill me..."

Not to be a downer, but I don't understand why you would shake a shattered glass jar of mayonnaise into your food. Typically when adding mayonnaise to a sauce or dish wouldn't you use a knife or a spoon? Why would that suddenly change when the jar is shattered? That being said, when the shatter happened it could've dispersed glass into the mayonnaise anyways, so you might've been screwed regardless.

I have to ask - why, when you'd shattered a container, did you fail to immediately realise that its contents would be mixed with shards of broken glass, and so why did you not discard it?

TIFU by thinking I killed my girlfriend with weed

TIFU by thinking I killed my girlfriend with weed

In true TIFU fashion, this happened mid last year.

A little background first. I met this girl June last year and a month later we were 'officially' together. Things were fantastic and we bonded so well. Over the months preceding the 'incident', I gathered that she had had relatively little experience when it came to drugs. I myself am not big into the drug scene, but at the time I did try pot every now and then. We had shared a joint or two in the past, and I decided that we should celebrate the end of high school by smoking a bong at her house. Not my brightest idea, as her mother was not a fan of any drugs.

So on that fateful Friday, I acquired a bong and a pretty strong strain of ganja. Her mother was a really heavy sleeper so we waited until she fell asleep on the sofa and then went out the back garden. We lit up, I took two hits and she took the same. Things seemed okay and we both began to feel the effects after about 5 minutes. The giggles set in a little and we were good.

Then she stood up, freaked out about getting caught, stood still, told me she couldn't see, and fucking dropped. I thought she had died then and there. Thankfully I caught her in time and, even while stoned, my first aid training kicked in. When I laid her down on the ground, her eyes were open and she was unresponsive. Literally looked dead. Thankfully she came about quite quickly. It didn't end there.

She started freaking the fuck out. Wide-eyed, high heart rate and the likes. She was insisting that I call an ambulance and get her to the hospital. This was a classic white out as she had a relatively strong hit compared to her weight (I'm 115kg and two hits does it for me, she's 65kg). I said that she'll be okay, that it wasn't anything major. She started shaking violently and couldn't muster the strength to sit up from the concrete, still insisting on the ambulance. My stoned self was starting to panic and she continued to insist on the ambulance as her panic levels increased. I eventually obliged, certain that I was going to be hung, drawn and quartered by her mother. The ambulance arrived not too long after I called, lights on but siren off (we asked them to do this in the phone- legends). I thought all was good, but then her dog started to bark in the room her mother was sleeping. Damnit Shadow.

I went inside to try and shut the dog up. As I picked him up and petted him, her mother woke up and looked at me. I felt like my soul was being torn from my body. I smiled and said I was calming the dog down, and she just closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Phew. I went out the back and the paramedics walked through the back gate laughing. I explained what happened, and they said it was okay and that she will be okay. I was relieved but still terrified that her mother would wake up to see her only daughter being prodded and examined by paramedics. Guess what? She did. I awkwardly said hi, and she asked what was going on.

My heart nearly exploded.

My girlfriend and I looked at eachother, then to the paramedics, we had no idea what they would say. Then the paramedic, Sarah (I will never forget that name) said "just low blood sugar, had a bit of a fainting spell. Nothing to worry about really!" I nearly hugged her, I was so relieved. After they left, we all went inside, talked about what happened and slept soundly. I guess this fuck up had a wholesome, happy ending. Hopefully a nice change for you guys. However, my girlfriend (who I am still with - one year and counting!) can never look, smell or smoke weed again. Even thinking about it makes her anxious. I had PTSD-like flashbacks for four days after the incident. Probably won't smoke again.

tl;dr Smoked a bong with my bong-virgin girlfriend of four months at her anti-drug household. She chucked a whitey, thought she was dead. Paramedics saved our hides by telling her mother it was low blood sugar. A wholesome ending, I guess?

edits: better tl;dr and CPR on the English no

edit2: jeez I go to sleep and wake up with gold. Thank you kind stranger!

edit3: guy, I know pot can't kill, calm down

You should find and thank that paramedic.

For sure, Sarah the paramedic is the real MVP in this thread.

She's a homie and a savior

This isn't what they had in mind when they say to stone someone to death....

EDIT: Of course my most up voted comment on Reddit is a fucking Marijuana joke.

TIFU by reciprocating with my tinder date

TIFU by reciprocating with my tinder date

Didn't happen today but quite a while ago. Just heard this Karl Pilkington thing about something similar, and remembered this.

Anyhow, back then, I was feeling a bit lonely and was going through a bit of a dry spell. I matched with a few bots and generally uninteresting people, some of whom were so dumb, I actually felt like doing anything sexual with them might be considered statutory rape.

At some point however, I matched up with this incredibly stunning woman who definitely piqued my interest for she was both beautiful and intelligent. She also had a great speaking voice and I was definitely keen on seeing how far this could go. Maybe even relationship material, who knows??

I discovered that she was really into yoga and everything else that comes with a yogi's lifestyle. The only reason that this is worth mentioning is because she thought I looked like I was into yoga as well, but I was not, although at the time I was seriously considering giving it a shot.

We go on back and forth mostly about yoga and her lifestyle which was fascinating to me. She would constantly make remarks about how impressed she was that I never asked her anything sexual and told me all of her horror stories with other dudes. The reality is, I find it really weird and awkward trying to ask girls for sexual favours on the internet. I don't know why, but I'm far smoother with this sort of thing in person. Either way, We set a date to meet and all was well. If anything sexual were to happen, it would be then.

Two days before we were set to meet, completely out of the blue, she sends me a photo of her lying in her underwear, with a bit of a nip slip situation going on. Then she sends me a video of her lying on her tummy, but you briefly get a glimpse of her beautiful rear end.

Being the awkward fuck I was, I had no idea how to react to that message and thought that she'd shown me some, so I shall do the same??

I do a similar thing in photo form showing her a bit of my rear end mostly as a joke, but secretly hoping she'd enjoy that and send some more or maybe get a "looking forward to meeting you" thing.

Without a word, she blocks me off of everything and that was the end of that.

Tl;dr: met someone cool on tinder and planned to meet her. She showed me her ass 2 days prior, I felt compelled to do the same and never heard back from them anymore.

Edit: I'm glad this was amusing to many of you. It's cool to see that all the dudes think this is a huge no-no, but the girls totally dig my response. It's quite an interesting twist, I have to say. Just wanted to clarify a few things;

I did send her a compliment and she responded to the compliment. The fuck up was really me feeling weird afterwards for not sending something back. Keep in mind I was completely new to this online dating malarkey.

It was definitely meant for me because of the above, but also, she sent me a voice note on WhatsApp saying something about them being a little gift.

I'm also fairly certain she was a real person. We spoke on the phone a few times and sent each other photos of us doing the same stuff (like if I said I was going shopping, she'd send me a cute photo of her unpacking her groceries or whatever).

Also, again; this happened a long time ago. I'm quite happily married at the moment, so I'm not depressed because she "didn't want my dick." Was I confused? Sure, but i moved on fairly quick. You can stop sending me Aggro PMs about being a bitch for still hanging on to this thing. It's just a funny story. Enjoy it, or check out something else.

This is such a specific TIFU that I almost hope the girl reads and comments. Most of the cringe ones I would hate to hear the other side. But, this one...

Your ass did not pass :(

Sounds like she was expecting elaborate praise, and instead got hairy ass.

That pretty much describes my work experience in its entirety.

You'll never know. It could be anything: 1) She didn't like your butt 2) She started getting serious with someone else at that time 3) Her cat died and she didn't feel like dating anymore 4) She's a boarderline psycho who way over interprets everything

It doesn't really matter - you didn't do anything wrong. It'll work next time (or the time after that).

TIFU Eating a chicken nugget

TIFU Eating a chicken nugget

This happened a few days ago now and I'm bored enough in ICU to type this up for your amusement. I was driving home the other day when I had the sudden urge for Wendy's nuggets. I wasn't hungry but I had meds that required food, so might as well eat something good. The drink of choice for these particular nugs was a nice strawberry lemonade.

Flash back to years ago and I'm choking on the most delicious prime rib I've ever had. It was just so good I kept shoveling it in and may have been overly lax on the chewing. Since that choking incident food tends to get stuck at the bottom of my throat. Usually I can just drink something and it'll politely move along. I finished that prime rib.

Present time. Half of the first chicken nugget has been chewed and swallowed as I merge into the interstate. There are no issues, nothing feels abnormal. I happily drink my lemonade and life is good. Wait, it's still in my throat. Oh no, lungs hate lemonade but this shit isn't moving so I start drowning while driving. I put on my turn signal like a civilized fucking person and move over the three lanes to the side and put on hazards. Now covered in my delicious lemonade I make it out of the vehicle and over to the side to choke that shit out of my throat. Success. I finish the meal out of spite and forget my pills.

You wish I was done, we're on to the bonus round. I'm feeling tired, whatever I didn't sleep well the day before. I drink all the caffeine I can find for the remaining two hour drive back. Make it to the office, clock out, make it home. Stairs are a thing and they suck but normally I don't have to crawl up them. Alright something might be wrong. Take a shit that's straight black... that's a new one. I really want to sleep at this point (which likely would have made me dead) but I Google the tar shit because why not. Google basically tells me I'm going to die so a ride to the ER seems in order.

Get wheeled in to wait, no shocker there. Things are moving slowly. Yay I have to shit again. More black gold but wait there's more, I grab the trash can and throw up an additional liter of blood while shitting it. I now have a team of nurses watching some Exorcist level shit but none of them offers to grab a priest. On the bright side that made a room open instantly. Shortly after that I'm wheeled to what I assume is the organ harvesting room and get quickly KOed. Wake up with four staples in my esophagus and an all liquid diet. Still losing blood so I'm volunteered for a second endoscopy that gets me another staple and a cauterized ulcer.

TL;DR Chew your fucking food or you'll drown going 70mph then shit and vomit blood at the same time

No one here seems to be acknowledging your most remarkable skill. I'll be the first to say thank you and congratulations on using that turn signal! That's some respectable driving!

Fuggin right man. Not gonna kill anyone else on my way down

The best Wendy's nugs are very crisp so I can only assume it was rolling around like a saw in there when I was trying to hack it out

Seriously. If this guy can use his turn signal while literally dying then there is no excuse for anyone else.

TIFU by trying to score in Tinder

TIFU by trying to score in Tinder

This just happened a half hour ago.

I match with a girl yesterday on the old Tinder, and tonight was her last night on the island of Maui. Me, being young and dumb, figured it was worth it to run 7 miles to her resort to score some sugar.

We pussyfooted around in the messages for a couple of hours, and finally met for a thoroughly unsatisfying encounter that was definitely not worth the effort, and, in dismay, I started my trek back to my resort.

About 5 or so miles down the dimly lit beach walk, I saw a couple of red blinking lights 50 meters ahead of me which roused my curiosity and my imagination. Unexpectedly, one of the many cats that haunt the resorts ran right in front of me.

I was so focused on the lights that I flipped out, kicked the cat ahead of me, and the both of us took off running down the beach walk.

The cat stopped right between the two lights, which turned out to be a couple of bicycles, and began to hiss at me until I strobed it with the flashlight on my phone for a couple seconds and it wandered off.

I figured the owners of the bikes couldn't be far and started to look around for them. Unfortunately for me, I caught them deer in the headlights style with my light. They were both naked and doing heterosexual stuff just off the path.

The girl shrieked at a volume that could put firecrackers to shame, and I once again flipped out. As I stumbled backwards, I tripped over one of the bikes and went face first into the wooden beach walk.

I felt my nose snap and let out a girlish shriek of my own, before I clambered up and started sprinting down the path again.

When I got back to my room, my buddies helped me set my nose with glee while I regaled them with my story.

TL;DR I caught a couple having some alone time, tripped, broke my nose.

Holy fuck. What a wild ride.

I'll be that guy and say you should get your nose checked out by a professional. I broke my nasal bones in a snowboard accident years ago. I pushed it back together and now I'm left with one nostril that works like a clogged toilet.

But hey at least I got that crooked nose tough guy look, right?

This isn't a TIFU...this is /sub/tinder legend. Only thing that would've made this better was if the girl you saw in the woods was the tinder date you just left. Carry on.

And everyone gets hurt in the end.

TIFU by meeting my girlfriends dad

TIFU by meeting my girlfriends dad

Surprisingly this happened today, yay:)

So a little background, I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 months, never met her parents and today was the big day. As I was going to her house and told her parents would leave when we got there, I brought condoms. Fuck up number one.

Okay so I walk through the door, nervous as hell. The dad comes bounding over with a smile and a hello, now I had my wallet in my hand, with the condom in. Now I don't know of you've seen family guy, but in one episode Brian meets some girls mom and a condom falls out his wallet..this...this is what happened.

In order to shake his hand I sort of chucked the wallet into my other hand trying to be slick and look like a cool guy, however I missed it completely and it fell to the floor. Already looking like an idiot I go to pick up my wallet, when out of nowhere the condom slides out and just sits on the floor. The dad just looks down, and as slowly as I've ever seen moved his head towards my direction. I look down and notice the durex wrapper on the floor, every muscle in my body seizes, I have no idea what to say, I completely froze in embarrassment and shame. The dad starts yelling at me and orders me to leave, I'm now sat a few minutes away from her house typing this to try and come to terms with what just happened

TL/DR: I went to get my girlfriends dad seal of approval, end up basically showing him I've been fucking his daughter and was planning to in their home

Edit: we are both 17 if this helps with context

Edit 2: for those who think I'm unintelligent, you would be correct in this instance, just a run of poor sleep and nerves got the best of me today

Edit 3:why are people so hung up on me carrying my wallet,it didn't fit properly in my jeans so was easy at the time

Update: so about 30 minutes went by before my gf returned, turns out the dad thought it'd be funny to shout at me and seem tough, he aint annoyed, just annoyed that my gf didn't do work or something I don't even know. I walked back in and nervously laughed for about 5 minutes trying to convince him it was for a friend, all whilst trying to hold back tears of embarrassment, fml.

Update 2: so turns out he's actually a pretty cool guy, he apologised for joking around and said it's all cool, we talked about general stuff for about 15 minutes what I wanna do in life etc, then said we can order a pizza when they're gone he's paying. This has been the biggest roller coaster of emotions since Marley and me, he's left and we'll I'll be gone for all of 30 seconds;)

Update 3: So it's the next day,the mom was pissed with the dad for making me feel like a little bitch, was slightly annoyed about the condom simply due to the fact it was their home etc be respectful but all in all everyone's pretty alright now, never putting a condom in my wallet,kids seem a better option

This is correct. If you feel the need to have one, put one on before you leave the house.

Do not store condoms in your wallet. It wears on the durability, seal of the wrapper and condom itself.

"Oh whoops, oh, I dropped my monster condom for my magnum dong!"

Great advice. This way there's a much smaller chance of the Dad finding it, although not impossible..

/sub/tifu last weekend

Too early to explore space, too late to explore Earth, just in time to read about people fucking coconuts

frist of all how dare u mod shitpost

sceond of all how dare u sticky ur shitpost

Edit: I've been paid $3000 for this, but I'd like to shill recommend /sub/coconuthate and also show my support for the most wholesome sub on earth: /sub/onionlovers.

Edit 2: It appears my comod and "friend" /u/awkwardtheturtle (aka /u/awkwardtheonionlover) has been brainwashed by the anti-onion lobby and in the process unstickied this shitpost and thus bereft the audience of the world class humor of said post. This will not stand. Spread this to CNN, Breitbart, BBC, and iloveonions.blogspot.com. The one true path is onions, and onions only. Fuck cilantro, though. /sub/cilantrohate

And for once it's not just your mom calling me again! Amazing!

There is like 18 moderators in here. It's coconuts.

Try one of these subthreads