Update: I called the police and told them everything. I went to the hospital and got a rape kit done. I think my nightmare might finally be over.
My mother is on my side and supports me. I'm not sure about my father. He kept telling me that I let myself get raped, and that I deserve what happened because I waited so long to report him. I'm not sure what's going to happen concerning my family situation.
Thank you very much for the support you all have given me. I will never be able to put into words how much it meant to me. Your comments and advice helped me keep going long enough to work up the courage to report him.
Your father is wrong. Nobody ever deserves to get raped. I'm glad your mother is on your side. Hopefully someday she'll be able to convince your father that he's wrong.
I am so proud of you! You've done so well!
Know that hatever they say, you were the less guilty of all. In fact, you are the only one innocent in all this. You may not think that way for now, and that is understandable, but it'll come.
They may tell you otherwise because it helps them cope,because they don't want to believe they are at fault. But they are.
Thank you so much for keeping us updated, I am amazed at the resources you found in you and you used to get out of this. Things will change and it may be scary at times, but in the long run you'll be free. Alive and free.
Give yourself time to heal, what you've been through was hellish and it'll take a lot of time to heal, but you'll get through it. Keep reaching to us if that's a resource for you, you have our support and love, free of charge ;) ! <3
I’m angry that I can’t kill myself without ruining the lives of the people I love
I don’t want to exist anymore. It’s not worth it to me personally. I wish I could just be at peace, in a calm nothingness. But I can’t. I’m stuck here, because I can’t fathom the thought of destroying my parents’ lives. They’d never get over my suicide. Neither would my sister, my girlfriend. My grandparents. It makes me bitter. I don’t want to suffer anymore. But I’d never actually kill myself, just for their sakes.
In the same boat. Staying alive for others sure doesn't make the suffering any less.
Everyone feels the same, but no one asks why that is.
It's because this proves love for others is stronger than self-hatred or hate in general. That's why, and if someone does end their life, it was probably because they simply couldn't be in their condition anymore and what life let happen to them, to where they can no longer feel love for others. You still feel it, I still feel it. I feel you.
This is it for me 100%
I feel the exact same way right now.
Someone smiled at me on the elevator to the top floor
I was not really going to do anything and I knew that the windows could not be opened large enough for a person to squeeze through but I just wanted to go there.
So this person looked at me worried and smiled at me. It was super awkward tbh. It made me cry.
I don't understand but I hope you feel better friend.
I wanted to kill myself by jumping from the top floor. But I knew the windows could not open large enough for me to squeeze through. Still I decided to go there although I knew I wouldn’t succeed in killing myself. And someone smiled at me on the way up.
People really underestimate the power of a simple smile.
Can someone talk to me?
Can someone talk to me?
I dont have anyone left to talk to. And i feel like im running out of options...
You can talk with me if you like. I’m kinda in the same boat tho, looking at how to get a gun...
I'm right here if you need me
Hey,mate. You can talk to me. :)
PTSD is too much... Held a knife to my wrist while my BF was out.
I have PTSD. I woke up this morning from a nightmare that was worse than anything I've ever dreamed. I wanted to die.
I think that a lot, so I shook the thought off. Then I got unexpected horrifying news that had to do with my trauma, and I snapped. I found myself on the kitchen floor with a knife from the block pressed against my wrist. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my boyfriend finding me. Tonight I've been counting my pills to see if I have anything that will work.
I haven't been this close to hurting myself in years. But the pain of what happened is never ending, and every time I think I've learned to manage it, more bad news comes along or my brain finds a new way to replay the events as more terrifying as ever before. If this is just life until I die, I don't think I want to live it.
I feel like I can't even talk to my therapist or loved ones about how I'm feeling because I know they'll freak, and I have too much going on right now to end up in the hospital. I don't think I'm going to do anything, but feeling this desperate for the first time in a while is scary.
I hope things get better for you, and me, and all the other trauma survivors that are still struggling. You probably should try to talk to your therapist about this.
I deleted my suicide note.
Keep on bro. Make damn sure you last longer than some of us. Be the success story.
You can do it buddy!
thank you :)
Keep on keeping on!! Go you!
Losing my home
My wife and I are losing our home because I'm a fucking idiot and tried to kill myself and failed. Doctors diagnosed me with ptsd, borderline personality disorder and dysthemic.depression.
They started putting me on so many pills and I was having so many suicidal days or sick days I had to be taken off of work.
I haven't heard back about state disability insurance, or social security for disability. The guy told me not to worry, that I'd qualify for back pay when I'm approved.
Fuck back pay, I'm losing the apartment this month, and the only place we'll have to live is halfway across the country in a family members home who we barely know, far away from all of my friends whom have been my support system during my lifelong battle against my depression.
I'm so fucking scared and sad, I don't know what to do and none of the doctors have any immediate resources that could help me keep this roof over our heads.
I can't afford the 90 bucks to keep our Internet on tomorrow, fuck, I have 2 zoloft left and I couldn't find enough change to cover the $5 copay for a refill, assuming I still even have my kaiser permanente insurance since I haven't been able to pay it for 2 months.
I'm also on another med as an antipsychotic/keeps me asleep during night terrors medication. Once that's gone tomorrow I'm back to nightmares and waking up screaming and injuring myself unconciously again.
I'm selling everything I own, my childhood Nintendo 64 and all my games are gone already, my nes, snes, genesis, and atari collection are being taken by buyers tomorrow, that money is already spent on registration for the car.
I own nothing anymore but this phone, my clothes, and my old laptop from 2008 that has a dead battery and needs an external fan to keep from overheating just from being on.
I've been so depressed my sink is full of a fucking entire ecosystem. There are dozens of flies in every room.
I'm giving away my guinea pigs who have been my best friends on craigslist because I can't afford their bedding or food and can't keep myself sane long enough to maintain cleaning their home.
Gave away my goldfish because I couldn't afford taking care of them and my body pains were keeping me from taking care of them. I loved those fucking fish. They were sick oclnce with swim bladder disease and I literally cradled them in my hands multiple times daily and hand fed them mashed peas to help them recover.
Then my wife got news she has ovarian cysts and might never be able to have children, and then I came home to her almost fucking dead, she tried to kill herself.
Now she is sick and off of work, I'm doign everything I can to help her feel better but I'm fucking lost and all I need is some fucking miracle to help us get back on our feet but I know that's not how the world works and I'm just sitting here in my empty bathtub crying and typing because I'm so sad and cold and lonely and scared and I just want everyone to be happy but my body and mind just never work the way I want them to and I can never be helpful.
My hands are too shaky to do art anymore, playing videogames just gives me anxiety and no fun anymore, I don't cook because the thought of trying to clean the kitchen is too much to handle.
God why is my brain like this? Why did my fucking mom leave me with grandma? She fucking knew grandma used her horse whips on me, she knew I was treated like a fucking animal.
The schools knew I was being abused at home and that I was being bullied there and did nothing.
I feel like the whole world wants me dead and I'm just done fighting it, and now even my wife, the one fucking thing in my life that's keeping me alive doesn't even want to live on anymore.
I wish someone would just show up and kill me, just fucking shoot me or poison me or burn me. I don't care just kill me because I'm too much of a coward to do it myself, because I can't do fucking anything.
I wish my fucking body would let me work, just for awhile. I wish I could do something other than cry and hope for death but my situation is just so god damn hopeless.
I'm so fucking scared of the future because I don't know if I'll be there or not but I know I don't want to be
Reading that you had to give your guinea pigs away made me cry. I could never give mine up unless it was the only way they could survive. Life is shit to some, keep your wife close as you two need each other. I'm sorry I can't wave a huge money wand and fix what is just other peoples greed taking all you have away. Love x
I lost literally everything when I failed to kill myself the last time. Literally, everything.
Apartment, car, sanity, fiancé, a pregnancy with twins at the 4 month mark, friends, job, college. I moved back to my parents house with just the clothes I had on because the cops had to forcibly remove me from my old apartment.
The docs had me on so many pills, I basically just let them keep prescribing them to me for my PTSD, Chronic Depression and BPD, sleep disorders and whatever else they branded me as in hopes that they’ll accidentally kill me and my parents could get a lawsuit out of my shitty life.
Things have gotten much better since I got off the pills and consistently do DBT/CBT.
“Once you’ve lost everything, you’re free to do anything.”
If it's ok to be in hell... when is it not ok? That sounds fucking insane with no sense
Go be with family if you can for a while. I also lost everything to depression, job, apartment,career, husband, pregnancy,etc. moved in back with my mom. I spent 6 months inside the house, unable to do much of anything. All I did was watch tv and walk the dog twice a day for that whole time.
Let things falls down and break. You can get new things. But you need a break first. Hugs <3
I have made the personal choice to end my life prematurely.
I see people constantly begging people to stay because suicide is "never the answer". I am writing this as a final goodbye to whomever decides to read it. Suicide, to me, is always a personal choice and should be treated as such. Making people stay on this earth who suffer every day is cruel. This is my final choice. I don't have a set date yet. However, I hope if anything greets me on the other side, it's more pleasant than the world we live in.
You're obviously having a shit time. What's going on?
Tell me a bit about what's happening.
I tried to kill myself when I was 19. Now I’m 36 with a family, good job and everything I could ask for. It seems strange to think that I wanted to throw my whole future away, and in a way I have a hard time imagining being in the place you are in now, even though I was there myself once. Please PM if you want to talk. There are ways to get better from what you have, but it’s a disease that is not easy to overcome alone. Please reach out - we are so many people who want to help you.
But not everyone gets that story, life is shit and would continue to be. All for nothing at the end, I am quite scared of what my story might be, I'm faced with the constant struggle to stay alive or just end it. It never gets better, all I see is pain in the days to come, I mean I might not see my parents again, or siblings or anything. I'm constantly working to see how to get money, not like that'd bring any happiness of any sorts, heck it isn't even guaranteed, nothing is guaranteed, so why the heck am I trying?
Well I don't like to tell people they shouldn't kill themselves either, unless I know their motive, situation and reasoning. You haven't told me anything about your situation so I can't comment on what you should or shouldn't do. It just depends; If you want to commit suicide because life is just shit and therefore makes you feel like shit, or you feel shit even though there's nothing to be sad/depressed/suicidal about, and it's 'just there'. It depends if you have tried meds, therapy, everything in the book, and the depression and suicidal thoughts still persist. If they do, it must be a very rare sort of depression because almost every patient shows major improvement in mental health when they get professional help, take action and change whatever makes them feel bad.
I don't know in what case suiciding would be a rational decision. Except for 1 case: It's a treatment-resistant depression, you literally tried fucking everything, there's nothing in your life that's making you feel this way, and you didn't improve a single ounce. In these cases (statistically pretty rare for people to not get better) there's actually a euthanasia law in my country. You get evaluated by 3 doctors and if they all approve you get euthanised. Which is a legal version of killing oneself basically. But you have to be in immense, incurable, persisant mental pain and suffering in which there doesn't seem to be any future of improvement and all treatments and counseling has failed.
I think you are just in a rut and when you are, it's (understandably) super easy for you to say "goodbye world, I give up" which I really understand because we all went or are going through the very same feeling of "i-don't-give-a-shit-anymore-because-i'm-suffering-and-unhappy-so-let-me-kill-myself." It's a real feeling that I acknowledge. It Doesn't make it true and valid though.
You can either end it now and basically give up (which would suck ass because literally almost all depressed people have potential to get better) or you can keep going. Because life is fucking amazing. I hope you do the latter but I can't force you to change. Change comes from within. The moment you decide to do something on feeling better, the sooner you'll get out of this unnecessary pain and suffering
What's so bad about dying?
What is even the point of this sub? I'm sorry, but you are all unable to help, you're just a text saying everything will be better. You go on, write your pretty bullshit about how my problems are temporary/how my parents will be broke by my death/how it's just not existing.
What's so bad about not existing? It's not like you give a shit, you may talk one stranger out of it and another few will cut their wrists in the end. And if someone disagrees with you and keeps on persisting that they lost all hope, you just leave and forget and then you get off Reddit to take care of your fucking girlfriends and careers.
Am I unfair? Probably. But life is unfair and I'm not going to stick around for too long to try to win this fucking twisted game. I don't even want to improve myself to fix my life because I know I won't be able to.
I even saw a few posts about people who were successful yet they wanted to kill themselves. God, I wish I could switch places with them. At least I'd be able to buy whatever I want.
there's nothing bad about dying, it's a natural cycle of life, everyone's going to die and a lot of people terrify the death but i love it. i know it seems morbid but i don't care. People say everything's going to be ok cause they want you to feel a little better but we all know that this hardly happen cause life is a shit and don't make sense at all..
I had the same feelings a long time ago life for me sucked and I was ready to call it quits but at some point I realized something . If life is an unfair game then I'm just gonna ignore the rules . So what if I'm never considered a winner I focus on making myself feel good cause at the end of the my life when all is said and done I want to be able to flip life off and say fuck you i didn't play by your rules and I didn't quit but I still had a great fucking time . Don't live cause someone on reddit tells you to do it cause no matter what your gonna end up in the grave might as well have a good time before you go.
If it wasn't for the physical pain, I'd be probably be ready to jump off a bridge.
Same old shit story. I'm not willing to live or work my issues. I'd rather disappear than deal with everything - work, career, college. Just realized life is all about effort and I'm not willing to put up with it.