standupshots

Explaining Jail To A 5 Yr Old

Explaining Jail To A 5 Yr Old

"but we require that they commit a crime first."

Oof, that one stings. Definitely some truth there.

My mom used to tell me there is a famous book/ story about a homeless/poor man who's trying to end up in jail because he knows he will be fed and housed for free. Supposedly he ends up in jail for something he didn't even commit.

In my real life, a homeless man put a rock the size of a bowling ball through my dad's windshield (the truck was parked in a parking lot, we were all inside a restaurant at the time) because a police cruiser was parked nearby. According to the cop, the homeless man smashed the windshield, then calmly walked over to the cop with his hands up asking to be arrested. He was hungry, and it was the only way he could get food.

I believe that's a story by O'Henry. Two Hobo's are trying to get arrested during the cold months of winter, but they don't succeed and then just as the weather starts to warm up and they no longer want to go to jail they get popped

Just get this tub in the air.

Just get this tub in the air.

I came about after those jokes. The question itself has been a running gag for my entire life but I have yet to hear the rest of such a joke. Seriously, fuck that dry sandwich though.

What's the deal with airplane food?

Ask the 80’s.

I get that a lot.

Legalize it, not them

Legalize it, not them

There's a lot of really butthurt stoners in this thread

If you can't laugh at your own silly subculture maybe it defines a little bit too much of you.

[My bong's name is Brynhildr]

video of my stand-up

I smoked weed every day for five years until my friends and I got high and water-boarded each other.

We committed a war crime. We broke the Geneva Convention. We interrogated each other like, “Where are the Funyuns!?!” I wish that wasn’t true

Anyways if you liked this please for the love of God follow my Twitter or Facebook so my mom stops begging me to return to grad school.

Here’s a to critique harshly

And send all concerns to venmo Geoffrey-asmus

Or DM me for awkward conversation. I love some of you

Mine is Kim Bong Un.

So much I wanna do before I have kids

So much I wanna do before I have kids

You should listen to her jokes about abortion, they'd really piss you off.

/sub/meirl

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

[/sub/thoughtsandprayers] 🙏(SUS)[20:7c] So much I wanna do before I have kids

 If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (/sub/totesmessenger / Contact)

The joke is funny but it looks like OP is actually farming karma.

Edit - nah he just crossposts a lot

You have to be 5'10" to donate sperm

You have to be 5'10" to donate sperm

I used to donate sperm every week, but they won't let me in that Goodwill anymore.

This place does have a minimum height requirement but it may not be true for everywhere

Is this true?

The FAQ:

Will CCB sponsor me for a visa? No, CCB does not provide sponsorship for visa applicants.

LOL! What would they write on the Visa Application: Sir, Purpose of your visit?

Ahem, Sperm Donation.

A quick legal fix that's better than heroin

A quick legal fix that's better than heroin

John mulaney. He’s very funny.

He's new in town

This is good, who is it?

I saw him on Seth Rogan's comedy special, his delivery is absolutely fantastic

Oh, you hate your job?

Oh, you hate your job?
Oh, you hate your job?

This is not a George Carlin quote. It's from an episode of the Drew Carey Show.

This is legit something my aunt would post between pictures of minions saying she hasn’t had enough coffee yet

I don’t think this is George Carlin...

how to be good at the internet

how to be good at the internet

You can buy all the Yoga pants in the world, you'll never be as popular as the chick without yoga pants eating a.... hum... Yogurt.

Literally the entirety of Instagram

Link to famous yoga pants lady? For science

Instagram.net

Infinite genies

Infinite genies

Watched this first hour of his four-part special on Netflix, and he had me chuckling pretty hard. I like him and look forward to more.

Fuck sake, Pat Springleaf has blown his cover again. Say your prayers mate

I think of him as the UK's Mike Birbiglia...cuz it's one part comedy to three parts storytelling, and it's not always "funny" but it's almost always thought-provoking.

This is James Acaster

.

Try one of these subthreads