Standupshots standupshots

a life changing christmas

a life changing christmas

My whole life is a lie but I'm a quarter Irish and related to Ringo Starr.

silverlinings

maybe one day, if I really dedicate myself and work hard, I'll learn to write jokes/crop photos to appease you

Saw this punchline coming.

It might have been because it took me an hour to scroll down the image, though.

You should crop out the foreground on your picture.

Funny joke though.

The tobacco industry can finally say smoking is good for kids

The tobacco industry can finally say smoking is good for kids
The tobacco industry can finally say smoking is good for kids

I enjoyed this joke just like I enjoy the smooth taste of new camel Turkish blend cigarettes.

I was thinking this was actually a good idea. But then I realized that even if a smoker spotted a missing kid and ran after them and the kidnapper, they'd only make it a half a block before stopping to cough up a lung.

Fred Flintstone is that you? When did you switch from Winstons? They taste good like a cigarette should.

420 Friendly

420 Friendly
420 Friendly

Yeah most of the time those profiles also include some gatuitous cleavage shots and I get the feeling this would be more of a transaction than a date.

I smoke plenty of weed, but if "I do drugs" is something that defines you, I tend to not take you seriously as someone I'd spend more than one evening with.

I also don't think my future wife is going to be holding booze in every single one of her tinder pictures or sticking her tongue between her fingers for the camera. These are fun time girls.

Maybe that's judgmental, but judgement is pretty much what internet dating is about.

Why does every encounter have to be a future wife?

Sometime it's just cool to get fucked up with new people, get some new impulses. It's not even a sexual thing for me, I just sometimes need a conversation I haven't had while high or otherwise intoxicated several times before. I like my normal party crowd, but sometimes new influences are fun, even if it means sharing my drugs with them for an evening.

One of my favorite nights ever came like this, I was traveling in Germany and met a cute girl. She flat out asked "Do you party?" then we hit up the apartment I had rented in Berlin. We got high as a motherfucker, dropped som MDMA and just talked about all kinds of subjects without ever getting personal. Once morning came we went out, got some breakfast and said goodbye. To this day we don't know each others name or have any contact, it never came up or seemed important.

This story would never happen if I didn't have any drugs to give her, it's still a great memory of a cool night for me.

TLDR Sometime you just wanna hang out with a drug friendly chick or dude.

Aw. I only say that because I don't wanna hang out with dudes who don't smoke! I got my own weed fool, I just wanna share it with you!

That goes both ways Tbh. Like a lot of things in life, being a asshole isn't a gender specific phenomenon.

If I had a dime for every time some "420 friendly" dude showed up to smoke yet didnt bring any weed... I'd have enough weed to smoke out all those very same dudes.

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Superhero logic

Superhero logic

Can you imagine a superhick superman who volunteers to be a weapon of the United States because of blind patriotism? That'd be quite the alternate timeline.

"I'm fighting for truth, justice, and traditional marriage!"

edit: As a fifth-generation Oklahoman, I can't describe how great it feels to trigger Kansas. Somebody's state clearly has panhandle envy.

In The Dark Knight Returns he was written as a blind weapon for the government.

The lack of anti-abortion bumper stickers on Clark Kent's vehicle pretty much proves he isn't a real Kansan.

I'm a realist

I'm a realist

Your parents don't believe in vaccinations, so sorry if I think the odds of you becoming an astronaut are more nonexistent than your immune system, Skyler.

Just found out some people oppose vaccinations for religious reasons. Being pro-life and anti-immunization is like saying, "Why kill my baby when I can let some archaic disease do it for me?"

Whenever someone posts a picture of their new baby on Facebook, I always wait 5 years before liking it to make sure them becoming a parent is something worth celebrating.

PS. For more jokes, my twitter and Instagram, and for tour dates, my website. Sorry for the shameless plugs, but for a mostly unknown like me it's kinda my bread and butter. Thanks!

.

EDIT: I've been accused of buying upvotes for a while now. These accusations started after I posted some Trump jokes, and some folks couldn't fathom how anyone would like them, so assumed I had to be buying support. I never addressed these allegations because I know the argument will just go

"You're buying upvotes!"

"No I'm not"

"A ha! That's exactly what someone buying upvotes would say!"

There's been no actual evidence offered of me buying upvotes given, and when asked, accusers say, "Well how can he get so many upvotes otherwise?"

I'll explain:

Humor is subjective. It's fine if you don't like me. I don't like a lot of things. Cilantro is a devil herb It's surprisingly easy to get to the top of this sub. Less than 10 posts are submitted a day. When I posted this morning, it was immediately at the #2 spot, and the #1 spot had already been up for 24 hours. This sub has over 250,000 members, so it's easy to get a lot of visibility in a short amount of time. u/TimisWin explained it best: "There's a handful of us who have been consistently posting here for a few years. Geoff is one of them. When someone like James or Geoff or Nat or myself or a number of others post, regular users of this sub recognize the thumbnail. Because we have a rapport with the community they'll be more inclined to check out a joke and upvote it. It's a result of being regular contributors who interact with the community. It's not like there's a tangible monetary benefit to the "self promotion" here. We're not booking shows with our karma. Those of us who have stuck around and continue posting do so because we enjoy sharing our jokes and interacting with this community. It's fun for us. We aren't a pack of slick haired salesman offering a pitch. We're just a bunch of comics using a medium to connect with other human beings. Geoff doesn't buy bots. Nat doesn't buy bots. They're just a part of this internet community and because of that the users are defensive of them and disdainful of online "hecklers" who are trying to ruin others good time."

I know this won't change the accusers' minds. There's no evidence, but once you believe in something, it's nearly impossible to dissuade them. I'm only addressing this now because "IT'S THIS FUCKING GUY WHO BUYS UPVOTES" has dominated this thread, and I want everyone to get back to what we should really be talking about and enjoying... DEAD CHILDREN

They don't give them names until they make it past 5 years of age, I've heard

Man, you put out some of the best content on this sub. One of these days I'll make it to a show.

Thanks for a good laugh!

So much child death.

DIY Laughing

DIY Laughing

Good joke.

Odd choice of title.

I suppose? It's just a play on "die laughing"

I thought the title was dumb too until I read this comment. I was reading "Do it yourself laughing" instead of just the sound DIY would make.

In short, fantastic title, OP.

Because laughing isn't particularly related to the joke in question, just tangentially related to jokes.

Make cat-callers prat-fallers

Make cat-callers prat-fallers

I'm a dude. Never thought too much about this until I grew my hair out in college and people started hitting on me when I had my back to them. It's so much more revolting than I thought. But on the bright side, I guess I've got a nice ass.

I have super long hair, an hourglass-ish figure, a big ass, and wear long skirts when I go out dancing. I'm also male. It's pretty gross to have some stranger start grinding on me, stinking of BO and alcohol, without ever seeing my face. I only dance every once in a while, but it happens at many or most nightclubs at some point. Some people face that every day.

He may just enjoy wearing skirts

Or his school banned shorts

You are what you eat...

You are what you eat...

Cannibals are the only real humans left.

Nancy? Barf. I don't doubt it though. Originality, much like my grandpa, has been dead for awhile.

Transitive property: you are what you eat. If you eat someone who ate chicken, that makes you both chicken

Barf? Nancy. My grandpa originally didn't doubt it though.

I heard they made a device that can detect child molesters. I think it's called a pedometer?

I heard they made a device that can detect child molesters. I think it's called a pedometer?

One of the early Lord of the Rings games had a level where you couldn't get too far away from Frodo, and had a meter to show you have far away he was, I called it the Frodometer.

Youtube video

"Did you SEE the floral print apron she was wearing? She was practically begging for it."

Hi, hello. If you like to listen to jokes please look at this of different jokes than this joke. If you like to read more jokes please look at this Twitter which is mine.

If you're in the Tampa-ish area lemme know, always stuff going on.

(P.S. I just googled it and I guess the kid was actually 14 and not 8 so I guess this joke is a terrible lie I'm so sorry)

I can't tell if this is an anti joke or I'm just wooshing

It's pronounced Fro-dometer if that helps.

Target Audience

Target Audience

If you become aggressive when you get high, you're probably not smoking correctly, or weed.

I am sure Anheuser-Busch's $1.4B didn't have anything to do with it.

Or you're just a cunt

Knew a guy who got high and beat his wife.

Can confirm: cunt.

Try one of these subthreads