standupshots

Damn you, Madonna.

Damn you, Madonna.
https://youtu.be/eIVxPRqgtD4?t=86

This is a pretty poor representation of his comedy. This joke was all about timing and delivery, and this format spoils it. It's kinda funny, but in context and with his delivery it's killer.

His routine on this show was absolutely hysterical, and it was short.

I don't have any constructive feedback. I just wanted you to know I legit laughed at this one. Thanks for the chuckle.

I'm pretty sure OP is not the comedian. The guy in the pic is Daliso Chaponda, from Britain's Got Talent. Check him out on YouTube, he's hilarious.

All of those statements are correct.

A Mammoth Undertaking

A Mammoth Undertaking

At least they have experience with that kind of thing.

An audience of 1 holding a camera.

I'm 99% certain there was no audience when this picture was taken

More than I had at my last bar open mic.

Always remember...

Always remember...

This joke was inspired by my girlfriend who watches nothing but crime procedural shows. If I'm ever murdered, know that it was her, but you'll never be able to prove it.

I told that joke to her one night, and she said, "Baby, come on. You know I would never murder you... I shed too much to be able to get away with it."

SHAMELESS PLUGS: For more jokes, I'm on Twitter and Instagram, and for tour dates, my website. I'll be performing in the UK for the first time in about 2 1/2 weeks, and it'd be swell to see some fellow redditors there. Thanks!

Shameless plugs indeed.

Smartest guy in the whole movie. "I don't hire thieves"

Midwest Problems

Midwest Problems

You spelled "abstinence" wrong.

Fuc.

Leave him alone he's doing his best

Maybe Catholic schools should start giving gluten free Jesus at mass?

Twister

Twister
Artist rendering of titty tornado for visual aid.

Lame Edit: If you're in Milwaukee Friday night there's this roast battle.

Artist of titty tornado for visual aid.

Lame Edit: If you're in Milwaukee Friday night there's this roast battle.

My god, it's full of stars

You need to carry this on stage on some poster board and show it after the joke

Yeah he's posted it at least twice but nobody upvoted it so he deleted it to try again another time and it totally worked.

There it is

There it is

I've been there more time than I care to remember. Half priced appetizers, expensive drinks, and wasted nights...Oh how I don't miss my early twenties.

You've never had $10 to your name and used it for three $3 LITs and a $1 tip?

BREAKING NEWS: Millenials Give Up on Rock Bottom After Successful Re-Branding Effort!

Liquors quicker

I always feel weird trying to flirt with the cashiers and bag boys at my local grocery store.

Silver linings

Silver linings

Love it

that's a hell of an outfit you got there.

Thank you!!!

Cool, you're even unimportant enough to reply to comments on reddit.

Mistake

Mistake

How have I never heard this joke before! So simple, so elegant. Well done.

I am actually a little worried about that but I asked my comedian friend too and he said he hadn't heard it before...

I find the posts you make to this sub to be consistently funny. Is it condescending to say you should be more famous than you are? Good job, anyways.

If you'd like more evidence that my parents were correct, you should check out my Twitter.

SNL or Nazi's?

SNL or Nazi's?

I know that the word looks weird, but "Nazis" doesn't need that apostrophe.

I am setting myself up for a joke about "grammar nazi's" here, I know...

I hate grammar nazi;s.

Here he is in an interview refusing to condemn the KKK

At this point, the only people denying that Trump is a racist who courts racists are Nazis themselves.

. He says he "doesn't know enough about them" to condemn them.

I dunno, SNL has really gone downhill these last couple of years.

I thought Grandpa already took care of this...

I thought Grandpa already took care of this...

Aren't participation trophies something spurred on millennials by their parents? Especially suburban parents, I don't recall receiving any participation trophies growing up but I always seen parents bitching about their kids not getting anything, plus the kid ignores the trophy 2 seconds after getting it

Yes, but the joke works because 'millenials' get shit for it.

Participation trophy . . . you mean like the Confederate statue in Charlottesville, VA?

Everything is millennials fault. No matter what their role in the situation, millennials suck. At least that's what I understand from the internet.

Try one of these subthreads