standupshots

I need a food mechanic

I need a food mechanic

I respect your well-articulated criticism. Though, “Goldengirlsmom” is probably not my target audience.

This is great, keep up the good work!

She should have said, "What what would you like me to build you for dinner."

No, the dog is taken

It's all relative.

It's all relative.

Adults, actually.

More adults die from eating them than kids.

Thank you for a quick concise one-liner.

Take my upvote!

Well then, Costco should stop stop handing them out as samples.

Shithole countries are shitholes thanks to their corrupt government using all the Tide pods for themselves...

Little people

Little people

Also--

I'm sorry but I don't buy little people as an "oppressed class." Disadvantaged? Sure. But there's no social stigma about little people. No one sees a family of little people moving into the neighborhood as says "FUCK THIS. Pack up your shit we're out of here." Every time I see a tiny adult my mood improves 1000%. They spread glee everywhere they go.

I'm at New York Comedy Club tonight at 7. Stacked lineup. Bonnie McFarlane, Sam Morril, Paul Virzi, Alexis Guerreros and myself. I was able to get a discount code to cut the ticket price in half if you use "JMYERS".

I'll be at Eastville Comedy Club tomorrow at 6pm and Monday at 8pm.

Old Man Hustle in the East Village Tuesday at 8.

Oh sorry. Did I bother you with free original content and then tell you where you could see me if you want to for less than the general public all for the low, low price of being bothered to read it?

My bad.

And don't forget you can upgrade to StandupshotsPLUS for $10 a month and you'll never have to read the comments again.

I really thought the punchline was gonna be that you were talking about Toddlers & Tiaras. "Little people struggling with tuba music in the background" - it's too perfect

Man, I miss the days when comedians worked in joke factories as slave labor, churning out punchlines for free and being beaten for sloppy setups. These days, it's almost like they think they're people that deserve to eat. Disgusting.

nothing an ativan can't fix though

nothing an ativan can't fix though

No polite way of saying that? Let me try...

When I'm taking my John for a run And I think of unloading the gun But the screen switches scenes To some semen-filled teens I get cockblocked by daughter and son

I hated it at first because it feels very “shared Facebook post” but then instead of saying how you’re binging a Netflix show you break out “creampie” and I’m 100% on-board with this joke

So good job 👍🏻

I'm trying to cut back on reciting short poems to people

If it makes you feel better, there are women that feel the same way as you, but sometimes you just have to take it on the chin and deal with it.

Arabians Vs Iranians

Arabians Vs Iranians

Basically, or rather that all people from Pakistan to Morocco are often called "Arab" like hispanic people from Argentina to Mexico are often called "Mexican" (or Puerto Rican, or Cuban, depending on the area.)

It's using verbal irony to convey.

I kinda don't get it. Is the joke here that racists call any visible minority as "Mexican" if they don't look black or asian?

Might I suggest revising the punchline to, "It's not like Latin America where everybody's Mexican."

Anthony Davis and DeMarcus Cousins.

Easiest Job Ever

Easiest Job Ever

/sub/2meirl4meirl

Sweet Dee is that you?

do I really look like a bird, though? 🐦🐦🐦

This joke has been done to death by people that aren’t even comedians. 2k upvotes?? Wow.

Fossil Fooled

Fossil Fooled

So this made me curious; how big is Trump Tower, and how would a stocking of coal the size of the tower compare to US coal output per annum?

Trump tower is 200 m tall, and in pictures looks to be about 10x taller than it is wide, so I can estimate it's about 25m on a side at the base.

This is supported by the fact that the penthouse occupying the top 3 floors is (claimed to be) 33,000 sq ft, implying a footprint of about sqrt(11,000 sq ft)=32 m on a side, though take Trump's claims about size with a grain of salt.

Let's call it 25x25x200 m3 . If someone wants to try counting pixels and measuring it on Google maps, go for it.

And the tower is scalloped out on one side, so let's scale by 0.75. That's a volume of about 100,000 m3

Coal is only slightly less dense than water, so a stocking the size of TTower could hold about 100,000 tonnes.

How does this compare? In 2016 US coal production was 728.4 million short tons, about 660 million tonnes.

So we've increased annual coal production by 0.01% by conscripting Santa and his elves to mine coal.

Economic impact? Fuck all.

As a math major myself. This is goddamn arousing.

As an English major, your sentence structure is goddamn annoying.

i expected this to be yet another cheap jab at trump, but it's too wholesome for me to get angry. well done.

Time Travel

Time Travel

Interesting point and funny punchline.

I’m not gonna eat it alive. I’m not a monster.

The Id kill Hitler usually applies to getting them before they began the dictatorships. Child Hitler would be easy to take out. Dictator Hitler not so much

What about using the time machine to go back in time, use future knowledge to amass fortune, and sponsor young Hitler in a life of art, philosophy, and expression? At the very least, smother him in so much pussy that the idea of killing Jews just sounds like too much work

Never taking my Grandma for lunch again.

Never taking my Grandma for lunch again.

/sub/dontopendeadinside

/sub/twitterjokes

Boo.

I've been out of high school for a while, I heard this joke my freshman year.

"All Apologies"

"All Apologies"

I can't decide if that guy looks more like John Goodman or Newman.

Joke 10/10

Paint skills 3/10

John Newman

This is your chance! Contact all of the venues that LCK has booked and explain to them that he will be unable to fulfill his contractual obligations for obvious reasons and that you will be happy to take his place on stage should they require an act of comparable taste and refinement.

Try one of these subthreads