Using [mindfulness techniques] during sex is a total game changer
TLDR: I discovered that I can use mindfulness during sex to get my head back into the experience, or just get completely mentally absorbed in what's happening, resulting in coming faster, way harder and much more often. My partner has also found it helps him when he gets anxiety around staying hard.
Before I figured this out, I'd be enjoying myself having sex, but then maybe some thought would pop into my head, or I'd be reminded of something I definitely didn't want to be thinking about right then, and I'd start to get lost in my head. Sometimes I could easily come back to being present, but sometimes I couldn't, then I start to dry up and my enjoyment of the experience would drop quite a bit. For my partner, he'd experience something similar and that would also be reflected physically, especially with new partners or threesomes (we're monogamish).
Several years ago I started learning about mindfulness and the psychological benefits it can offer. For those of you who don't know, mindfulness is quite different from traditional Buddhist meditation and has substantial research showing it's value in regulating mental processes and fully experiencing what's happening. It works by focusing more on the senses overall, instead of just the breath.
The Farb study shows there is a whole other way of experiencing experience. Scientists call this type of experience one of direct experience. When the direct experience network is active, several different brain regions become more active. This includes the insula, a region that relates to perceiving bodily sensations. The anterior cingulate cortex is also activated, which is a region central to switching your attention. When this direct experience network is activated, you are not thinking intently about the past or future, other people, or yourself, or considering much at all. Rather, you are experiencing information coming into your senses in real time.
There's tons of apps, courses and information out there about learning how to do it, but honestly, it's super easy to just do right now in a minute or two:
Start by thinking about the physical sensations you're feeling. How does the chair feel beneath you? How do your feet feel on the floor? What does the temperature of the room feel like on your skin? Just tune into all of the physical sensations that your body is feeling. Then move to the sounds you hear. Let every sound drift into your ears and listen to them intently. Can you hear traffic outside? Can you hear white noise? What sounds are happening close to you and which ones are far away? Just feel and listen. You can breathe deeply or just normally. Notice your breath as well, but focus more on your overall senses. I like to then turn my attention inward. How do I feel emotionally? Is there anxiety, joy, sadness, stress, anticipation? I try to just accept whatever I find there without judgement. Those feelings are mine. Try to accept yours as yours. Maybe even give them some tenderness, compassion or a mental hug, before letting them fade as you look for anything else that's there. If you get stuck on any of the feelings, just go back to your senses (hearing, touch, smell and maybe even taste) for a bit, until you're ready to come back to your emotions. You can keep going after this, and lots of programs recommend 10-15 minutes a day, but I usually just do this for a few minutes throughout the day instead of trying to dedicate a bunch of time all at once to it.
Of course there's a ton of different ways to do this and this is just the method that works for me. Here's another good resource that explains the technique: http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/mindful_breathing#
Mindfulness is a habit, it's something the more one does, the more likely one is to be in that mode with less and less effort.
A study by Kirk Brown found that people high on a mindfulness scale were more aware of their unconscious processes. Additionally these people had more cognitive control, and a greater ability to shape what they do and what they say, than people lower on the mindfulness scale.
I find that if I take 20-30 seconds before meals, some time while I'm in the shower (the water sensation really helps) or if I take 10 minutes a day mixing this with a simple yoga routine, it doesn't disrupt my schedule and I still get the benefits.
Now to the good part, using this during sex. So there I am fucking, and get lost in my head. Maybe I'm just not getting there, or I'm anxious/insecure about how I look, or if I'll stay wet. Or maybe I'm suddenly thinking about some BS from the past that's hard. I usually close my eyes and turn my attention to how my skin feels against the bed and the sheets, I think about how the temperature of the room feels on my skin, and about physical sensations I'm feeling that don't really have anything to do with the sex I'm having. Then I think about what I can hear. Maybe there's music playing, can I hear anything besides the music? Is the bed creaking, are there sounds coming from the traffic outside or the rest of the house? Then I start to listen to the sounds coming from our love making. I go back to the physical sensations I'm feeling, and this time start to focus on the sexual sensations I'm feeling. Maybe I'll bring more senses into this- Is there a sexy smell I can breath in? A candle or the smells of sex between us. Maybe I'll open my eyes at this point and take in what I'm seeing. I'll enjoy the sight of passion on his face, ways I can see our bodies responding like goosebumps or hard nipples, body parts that really turn me on, or the sexy way he looks when he's doing what he'd doing.
By the time I get to this point, I'm completely lost in the moment and I usually come shortly thereafter, or at the very least, have a really damn good time. I might have to go through this a few times if I'm really in my head, or if I slip back into my head later. The whole thing takes about 20 to 30 seconds and, because I'm not actually doing anything different, aside from shifting my mental focus, my partner's experience is that I just closed my eyes for a while and then opened them and am turned the fuck on and totally focused on the experience we're having together. It's just hot as fuck.
Happy fucking! :)
This is so well written, thank you! Going to try myself and recommend my partner too.
What is the best way for a man to react when his female companion is sexually [harassed]?
I have had two experiences, one with my younger sister and one with my girlfriend, when we have been out in public and strangers have shouted lewd comments about their appearance. Both times, I had no idea how best to react. I am a level-headed and peaceful guy, so both times I decided to ignore the harassment and walk on by, to avoid further trouble. But afterwards I felt feelings of shame for my perceived cowardice, guilt for my inaction when my sister and girlfriend were being humiliated, and anger at the perpetrators.
So, what is the best thing for a modern, civilized man to do? I'm most interested in answers from women, or men who have been advised by women.
Pretend they're talking to you obviously.
[Emotion and Care] How wonderful it was to feel wanted again (M,21)
Over my college winter break, I unexpectedly went home with someone who did an amazing thing: they made me feel wanted and desirable. I recently left a two year...well it wasn’t a “relationship”, she always made sure I knew that, that everyone around us knew we weren’t together. The last eight months of that affair were spent feeling absolutely undesired, unwanted, and in many ways worthless. I was good enough for a bedmate she “had feelings for” but not worth choosing to be with in any official or permanent way. Even after being told she loved me, a year into everything, I still wasn’t worth choosing to be with, a moment of absolute rejection and worthlessness that still stings.
This new partner did the opposite in the brief time we were together. I felt cared for, I felt like I was worth wanting. After we had sex, we just laid there and cuddled, and even though there was nothing emotionally between us I didn’t feel emotionally neglected. I excused myself to the bathroom a little while after and I cried. Not because I was falling in love or anything crazy, but because it was the first time in months I’d felt emotionally cared for by a partner. She was caring and attentive...I felt comfortable, which after months of being made uncomfortable and upset felt like a release. Like removing a splinter you’d just gotten used to living with. We went to sleep soon after (I washed my face before returning) and I woke up with her pressed against my side. No compulsion to leave quickly, no demanding I not be seen when I left...pleasent morning conversation, we made breakfast, we talked and laughed. We enjoyed each other’s company, and after a little while I made my way out, and I wasn’t made to feel bad about myself.
I know this is longwinded (and that this snapshot makes me seem awfully pathetic), and I’m sorry for that, but I hope I got across the importance of my experience. I felt wanted and cared for sexually and emotionally for the first time in almost eight months, and it put into perspective what I’d allowed to be neglected for so long. You’re worth feeling wanted and desired by your partner. Neither of you should forget that.
I miss this.
It's been, shit, almost seven years since my wife died. There hasn't been anyone else.
I wonder if I will find anyone. I don't go out of my way to look or anything like that.
I've sent a couple of messages on OKC and received no reply, which I'm trying not to let affect my self-esteem.
I am lonely.
[Oral sex] Gave a blowjob for the first ever time and I didn't think I'd feel this satisfied.
I did it mainly to please my boyfriend because he had come home early as a surprise from another country, where he was deployed. I knew how much he wanted this and he knew I hadn't done this before. I thought I'd not like it, honestly, and was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing but wanted to do it at least once and check it out before telling him I didn't like giving head. But I felt great! He guided me at times and I almost orgasmed when he did. It made me feel confident too.
I'm 26, was made to follow Catholicism till 25 and was taught that all this was wrong. I changed my views gradually and it took a long time for me to even come to terms with the fact that sex is a very normal thing. So when you see it in context, this is a huge thing for me and I feel happy about it.
Just wanted to share.
Yay! Giving head is like my favourite thing ever. So glad you're able to explore this new side of you. Have fun!!
[ Blowjob technique ] How can I make my boyfriend cum with just a blow job?
I've never made anyone cum with just a blow job. My mouth either gets to tired to carry on or I can't do it for long enough.
My Blowjobs are probably not the best ones in the world and I would rather just be having sex. However I know my current boyfriend would really like to cum with a blow job. I've looked at tips on how to give a good blow job and although I know porn isn't the best source of information I looked at videos to see if there's anything I can do differently.
Should I just do what comes naturally and not stop until he cums? I know communication is key so I will keep asking him if he is enjoying it or if he feels like he could cum. I'm just looking for tips on how to give him the best Blowjobs.
TLDR; how to make my boyfriend cum with just a blow job?
thank you all for your responses. I've read them all but I can't reply to them all as there's so many. And I appreciate all your help! I gave him a blow job and he almost cum but we had to stop because we both got so turned on we decided to fuck instead. Although I didn't actually finish him with a Blowjob yet, I now know it's not all about him finishing it's just about how much we both enjoy it and how good it feels. That has definitely helped with it, it's more relaxed and enjoyable when your not just thinking off finishing.
I will be giving him so many more Blowjobs using all the help I've got here. It was the best Blowjob I ever gave him last night, so I am getting there. I used hands, my tongue, deep throating, switched between a hand job and a blow job, I shown how much I loves giving it... It just felt so natural and now I see blow jobs as a fun sexy thing to please us both, not as a chore to get him off!!
Thank you all! :)
I think I give good blow jobs... The main factor, I've been told, is that I seem to enjoy giving them (and I do). I don't have a goal in mind when I suck dick, and I don't rush it. I like being in control of his pleasure and feeling muscle spasms, listening for moans or other signs he's enjoying himself. I certainly don't see it as a chore and there's rarely anything I'd rather be doing. If you don't like giving blow jobs, then you're at a disadvantage, but pretending is probably helpful.
Believe it or not, in my experience, men are all pretty different in what gives them pleasure and what makes them cum. Sure there's tips you can learn and try but nothing will replace getting and taking feedback from your guy.
Edit: in direct disagreement with the other comment, I actually use my hands a lot. You can suck dick for much longer if your jaw isn't doing all the work. When my mouth gets tired I wrap my [wet/lubricated] hand around the base of the dick and either lick the tip or keep my mouth around the head, while my hands jerk it. Then I'll go back to mouth only. And repeat.
[Pegging] I (23M) never really understood why women are treated the way are by men, until I was pegged.
This is a collection of thoughts after being pegged and how my views changed on the struggles of many women face with regards to vulnerability from sex and slut-shaming.
Growing up as a male (23) who played multiple sports, was very social, and met a lot of people, you are exposed to male masculinity. Everyone knows what I'm talking about hopefully. Go out to most bars and you see guys who fit the ultra-male personality. You hear conversations how "That girl is a slut because she fucks a lot of men", "She's a bitch because she won't talk to me", etc. We all know our jealous guy friends who can't handle a woman even looking at other men. The opinion that women should be willing to have sex with us and spread their legs like a good girl.
The routine for a lot of guys is seducing a woman. Seduction. What does that mean? A woman is constantly sought out by many men. Society looks down on a woman who easily gets seduced by many men. I don't agree with this, but going through college I saw a lot of my girl friends get verbally harassed and talked trash about because they shockingly had sex with more than one guy. Meanwhile the same guy talking trash spent three nights that week at bars trying to pick up women every night, having one night stands.
I remember when I lost my virginity to my GF where it was her first time. She was so vulnerable and as a young guy (16), you can't really comprehend why girls are so afraid to have sex. It's so easy right? "Why are you afraid of being naked.. you're beautiful!" I've had other sexual encounters where the girl has been hesitant to have sex and feels vulnerable.
As a guy, I've also had falling-outs. FWBs or GFs where they've been mad at me. 'I met another woman and moved on, but they're absolutely destroyed. Can't they move on also? I liked you, but there's plenty of other people for us to meet in this world.' We all know the stories of women who are 'crazy' and are too emotional.
But after being pegged... I understand. None of my "masculine" guy friends know this happened to me. If I told any of my guy friends, they would legitimately think I was gay. I would get so much crap and might lose a few friends. 'Straight guys don't receive anal, only "bad bitches"'. Being dominated by a woman is for sissies only.
I met a woman who had a very kinky side. She was open with it and told me she wanted to peg me. I've never done that and have stuck a finger up there occasionally. I have a pegging fetish that I've ALWAYS wanted to try.
We meet up and she plays the dominant role. She spanked me and did some other dirty things to me to warm me up. She eventually tell me to bend over and she starts lubing my ass up with her fingers. Eventually she takes the dildo she has and puts on her strap-on harness. She spends a few minutes trying to enter inside of me and finally penetrates me. She's got her hands on my hips and I'm bent over and then starts fucking me. It hurt, but at the same time felt really good - fulfilling.
I couldn't help but moan. I've moaned when having sex because i know women love to hear. But it's usually forced since I can have sex pretty quietly and enjoy myself. But when being pegged, I would try to stay quiet and was so surprised to hear these loud loans coming deep from my chest. I was taking my hands and grabbing the bed sheets, trying to secure myself to the bed. She eventually reached around and started stroking me cock and I nearly came so hard, she started so I wouldn't.
Eventually after about 15 minutes of it, I couldn't handle anymore back there and we stopped and I switched and fucked her.
I've never felt so vulnerable in a sexual encounter. She was inside of me, fucking me and taking control of my body. I've had a lot of sex and have always been in control. I have never experienced not being the one dictating every stroke. I finally understood how hard it is for a women to literally open herself up to a man - where he's the one taking control of her body. Obvious it's consensual, but you know what I mean.
I don't think I've ever thought these thoughts before this encounter. I think many guys out there are pretty nasty to some women out there. After this encounter, it makes you feel and understand for the other side of the table.
Sorry for the long post
edit: Thanks for the gold. I've post other random posts with content at this same level in the past but it never catches on. Never imagined it would be such a highly upvoted post. And of course it's on my kinky-throwaway.
Edit 2: I'm seeing some people offer their opinion and disgust with my post on my lack of true understanding. I did not intend to write a few-hundred word post to ultimately solve any issues or explain to the world every single problem out there. I simply wanted to express a story that happened to me that gave me a little more insight about why some women act differently than men when it comes to sex. An encounter and perspective gained that I think a lot of men have not experienced. I wasn't trying to make any comparisons between PIV sex and anal sex, because as a male there's only one of those that I can receive. And my experiences with my male friends and my views in society are unique to my own life experiences, but I'd also argue I can articulate correctly how many guys think.
edit 3: After receiving many PMs and comments calling me gay, my point stands.
There's something beautiful about having a life-altering realization while getting fucked in the ass. Thank you for this story.
There should be serious efforts to educate young kids on porn and how unrealistic it is [Pornography]
As somebody who has been negatively effected by a skewed perception of sex as a result of porn, I wish I'd never seen hardcore porn as a kid in fucking middle school. Check my post history, basically I tried to make my already larger than average sized penis bigger by jelqing like an idiot, that was 2 years ago and it's still not the same. Works when I need it, especially with Cialis, and have had plenty of great sex since the injury. But my penis has lost some girth and random boners/morning wood are way less frequent. On the whole I'm doing OK now, but it's still something that's pretty much always in the back of my mind, and every once in a while it absolutely consumes me. For a while I was suicidal and on the verge of completely losing it, it's been a personal tragedy that I really can't talk about to anybody I know. TBH I think I would rather have lost a fucking leg. Anyway, I think porn is responsible for the ridiculous shame many men feel about their penis. Go read /sub/smalldickproblems and tell me if it isn't the most depressing shit you've ever seen.
This is a real issue. Many men believe they are useless sexually, and sex is obviously one of the most important things to most men. They feel that women have had bigger and as a result they are physically incapable of providing the same level of satisfaction/intensity. The thought that your partner misses the feeling of her ex's meat hammer is total nightmare fuel. It is an emasculating feeling to say the least.
The idea that most women cannot be truly sexually satisfied by ~90% of men because of their 8> inch dick is completely insane. I happen to believe it in the back of my mind, probably because I spent ages 12-18 watching hot chicks get railed by cocks the size of my fucking forearm, they have an exaggerated fake orgasm and I'm sitting there thinking "No way I'll ever be able to do that to a woman"... at age 13... that is fucking sad.
I personally think this should be be talked about in sex education, how unrealistic porn is so kids don't grow up with this fucked up perception of sex. Keeping teenage boys from finding porn on the internet in today's world is probably impossible. Anyway, I think this is a seriously important issue and we should start seeking a solution. Thanks to anybody who read this.
TLDR; Porn at a young age gave me a skewed perception of sex, which lead to a personal injury to my penis in an effort to make it bigger. I think the issue of kids having access to porn/understanding how it isn't real needs to be taken much, much more seriously.
That's a great point. However, sex education in some places is still all about reasons to not have sex. The leap from that to openly educating about porn is quite a large one.
[Humor] Just want to give a little advice to the other guys in this subreddit [M21]
So just a PSA, when your partner is on top, aim carefully when slapping her ass. Aim too low, and you've just slapped your testicles, you're trying to not cry while she's riding you, and she doesn't even notice that you just learned what it's like to have your testicles touch your lungs. That is all
Edit: Glad I'm not the only one who has done this!
I'm just impressed you managed to stay hard through all that. Good work, soldier.
Girlfriend just told me she likes feeling [submissive], even though she shouldn't. Guilty pleasure? She said she likes feeling "used", being called "good girl", feeling like her "job is to please me". I liked it.
Sexting a bit over the beak and got into a convo about this. Looking for insight to get her comfortable to keep opening up and exploring this side of her that she clearly fantasizes over.
Went like this:
I convinced her to send me a nude, and she took a lot of convincing, but when she finally did for some reason I just replied with "good girl"
She then said that she likes when I talk like that, even though she shouldn't
I had to nudge it out of her on what she meant, but she ended up telling me that she liked it because it made her feel submissive, like her job was to please me. And that it was "encouragement." That it was dominance, but not in a degrading way (Honestly not convinced she meant this part. She's also said later she loves when I "use her" - like on her back head over the bed skull fuck, or whatever that position is called)
Later on she said: "I love giving you what you want. It turns me on. Pleasuring you. Being a good girl. For you. And a naughty girl.
Anyway- anyone wanna give me some insight on where I should go from here and how to keep opening up this side of her? I'd love tips from girls who get where she's coming from and/or guys who have girlfriends like this. Is this the beginning of a BDSM type of relationship? It feels like she's just scratching the surface. I've never even watched that stuff before. Thanks!
Edit: this subreddit is incredible
I would suggest that you talk to her about each other's desires and fantasies. If these are things that both of you want, you should communicate that to each other now that she's indicated she's interested. Don't assume she wants a full on bdsm fuck fest with nipple clamps and hot wax just yet.
If you two find it hard to talk specifics: try mojoupgrade.com It's a site where you can each take a questionnaire about sexual kinks and desires, and it will only show the answers where you two overlap when the quiz is completed.
Communication is the key for everyone to get off and enjoy themselves.
[APA Study] A 2006 study found that while only 55% of men reported to be satisfied with the size of their penis, 85% of women were satisfied with the size of their partner's penis
The study (or at least the abstract) can be found here: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/men/7/3/129/
Maybe that's because men with unsatisfying penises don't have as many partners.