Nottheonion nottheonion

‘Women drivers have quarter of a brain': Saudi preacher said before being suspended

‘Women drivers have quarter of a brain': Saudi preacher said before being suspended

Apparently there is a limit for even these sexist idiots

bit weird that this is what they took offense to, considering

Yah. Cause some Christian or Jewish men aren't sexist at all. The bible is totally not mysoginsitic either.

Basically .

here in michigan, that's everyone's brain while behind the wheel. (I don't drive.) watching other drivers as just a passenger scares me sometimes.

Hurricane victims call sex hotline after FEMA mistakenly tweets wrong number

Hurricane victims call sex hotline after FEMA mistakenly tweets wrong number
Hurricane victims call sex hotline after FEMA mistakenly tweets wrong number

“Hot Shingles In Your Area”

It's really blowing out there. Really hard. Everything is just getting so wet. I really need someone to give me hand and pull me out. Do you have some men that can come?

"Wet and loose"

"mistakenly" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Harvard Study Proves Apple Slows Down old iPhones to Sell Millions of New Models

Harvard Study Proves Apple Slows Down old iPhones to Sell Millions of New Models
Harvard Study Proves Apple Slows Down old iPhones to Sell Millions of New Models

This is a hilarious example of how "news" is reported these days. You can click the reference links of each article and trace it back to the original source and see how much it changes before it gets to this ridiculous Anonymous article. It's like a digital version of the telephone game.

First - A Harvard professor writes an article for the NY times about the theory that Apple is slowing down their phones as part of planned obsolescence. They don't form any conclusions and only point out a few correlations.

Then - The Daily Mail reports it as a "new study", despite the fact that it really wasn't a study, it was just an article with some observations and Google analytics search data that anyone can run in two seconds.

Finally - Anonymous takes the Daily Mail story and turns it into "Harvard Study proves Apple slows phones".

Back in the 90s, Apple had a reputation as a anti-corporation company. The company with San Francisco hippie roots.

That was just a pipe dream.

The study was based on what people searched Google for. "iphone slow" vs "Samsung Galaxy slow" shortly before a new phone release. They also stopped looking after 2014 even though there were 3 more iPhone model releases after that point.

If you want to go full tinfoil-hat you could ponder whether Google toyed with the results so that phones with their operating system come out looking like the good guy.

And google's corporate statement used to be "don't be evil". Look how well that went.

Trump praises health care of Nambia, a nonexistent African country

Trump praises health care of Nambia, a nonexistent African country
Trump praises health care of Nambia, a nonexistent African country

This kind of shit kills me. I am as anti-Trump as it gets but throwing misleading headlines out like this isn't helping anyone. If he was praising the country's healthcare system there's a pretty damn good chance he was talking about Namibia. The headline makes it sound like he was praising people in Pandora for their continued efforts securing unobtanium.

No matter what part of the political spectrum you rest on you shouldn't be happy about emotionally manipulative "echo chamber" bullshit like this. Just my two cents

Edit: Yes, it is embarrassing when the person leading our country mispronounces something. As it was when Obama, Bush, Clinton, Bush Sr.... did it. At least he hasn't barfed on someone yet.

Namibia is one of the wealthiest countries in Africa, its health status has increased steadily since the 1950s, and the government does have focus on health in the country and seek to make health service upgrades: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_in_Namibia

Lifetime Risk Of Maternal Death (%) in Namibia Total Health Expenditure (% of GDP) in Namibia

Mis-speaking aside, there's a serious disconnect in having Trump praise other countries' health care, when he is intentionally undermining the health care in his own country.

He mispronounced the name. George Bush did this, Obama did this, why are people making this into anything? Like, there are actual things going on in the world, and Trump made plenty of other points. This should be a throwaway sentence in an article, not the title.

Perth liquor store bans customers paying with 'sweaty money'

Perth liquor store bans customers paying with 'sweaty money'
Perth liquor store bans customers paying with 'sweaty money'

True, but legal tender doesn't mean that everyone is forced to accept it. A private business can refuse it. Plenty of businesses refuse payment if you try to pay for something small with a large bill for example, because they don't want to deal with potential forgeries.

The only situation where someone is forced to accept any legal tender payment is if it's something official - fine, court-ordered payment etc.

Anyone else in retail had to accept money that some unwashed customer pulled from their cleavage?

It bothers the cashiers enough to cause the store owner to turn down real money. Might be worthwhile to pass up an occasional sweaty $20 bill for their employees peace of mind.

"Snort marijuana"

Death Wish Coffee recalls cold brew cans due to potentially deadly toxin concerns

Death Wish Coffee recalls cold brew cans due to potentially deadly toxin concerns

Death Wish granted.

Nice to see honesty in advertising

I once did the math on the 'safe level' of caffeine uptake for an average person per day, and mapped that over my average coffees-per-day tally and I realized DWC could actually kill me.

Put my credit card away pretty quick.

Edit: Because I'm getting the same response over and over: I'm not saying I avoided the purchase because the coffee would kill me dead on the spot. I'm saying at my average consumption it puts me well above what's considered a healthy daily intake of caffeine. I was avoiding a quickened pace to a more long-term death.

Nice to see them pulling this from the shelves before someone got sick. People can point out all day they did it to save money on lawsuits but it doesn't matter. They found a problem, they told the public and they recalled all the affected products before it hurt anyone. That's how it's supposed to work.

Man who made “Pepe” wants his frog back, and he’ll use copyright to get it

Man who made “Pepe” wants his frog back, and he’ll use copyright to get it

Can't stop the internet, mate.

You gotta feel for the guy though. They've stolen something he created and used it for some fucked-up shit.

He doesn't have to stop the internet for this to be hilarious, he just has to fuck up everyone who's plastered his intellectual property all over stuff that's been monetised.

Fucking white people always ruining everything

Sue me.

Navy hospital nurses removed after posting video calling newborns ‘mini Satans'

Navy hospital nurses removed after posting video calling newborns ‘mini Satans'
Navy hospital nurses removed after posting video calling newborns ‘mini Satans'

With regards to the comment alone, any parent who raises their child themselves will agree, they can be. That being said, the video of the nurse making the newborn dance makes my skin scrawl, and the photo the "little satans" comment accompanies is disgusting. If you didn't click the link one nurse makes an infant dance to Fifty Cent, the other is a static photo of a nurse flipping one off. Disgusting.

I would appreciate it if you typed out "you" instead of "u" and "your" instead of "ur."

Edit: But, seriously...good luck with your anti-cursing on Reddit campaign. It's sure to be a worthwhile and fruitful endeavor.

Should this staff person be fired?

Yeah, probably.

Should anyone really give a fuck beyond that?

No.

The headline had me puzzled. This is like talking shit about customers in retail.

But the context you provided makes me feel like removing them was a good idea.

Student tries to get undocumented girl deported, he gets expelled instead

Student tries to get undocumented girl deported, he gets expelled instead
Student tries to get undocumented girl deported, he gets expelled instead

I bet this kid loves explaining to his peers how undocumented people are a drain on the economy and haven't earned anything....right before he gets into the new $35K car his mommy and daddy bought him.

I'll never understand why people post these sorts of things under accounts that are associated with their real identities. Do they think there are no consequences for the things they say online?

She is in DACA and she is more American than this p.o.s. Trump supporter.

Reporting her to ICE would be like reporting a driver to the DMV for following the rules of the road.

But... that’s what the founding fathers did...

Woman shouted ‘If you can’t beat them, eat them’ after biting detective

Woman shouted ‘If you can’t beat them, eat them’ after biting detective
Woman shouted ‘If you can’t beat them, eat them’ after biting detective

McGruff the Crime Dog would be proud.

Humans can bite hella hard, you're just usually not trying to tear a chunk out of living flesh when you eat.

how the accused broke through two layers of clothing and broke the skin of the Garda, causing her severe bruising.

What the fuck? Does she have shark teeth? Were the person's clothes made of tissue paper?

Speak for yourself, vegan!

Try one of these subthreads