Nottheonion nottheonion

Filthy London bakery is fined $290k after using a filthy racquet to mash potatoes

Filthy London bakery is fined $290k after using a filthy racquet to mash potatoes

The real revelation here is that London bakeries have mashed potatoes. We yanks are getting the short end of the filthy racquet.

What do your bakeries do? Bake bread or something? Ours do pie and mash.

Obviously they should have used a squash racquet.

So filthy

US Navy admits aircrew drew penis in the sky

US Navy admits aircrew drew penis in the sky
US Navy admits aircrew drew penis in the sky

This is just practice for our new strategy in the middle east "Shock Cock & Awe".

Who would have thought Navy boys have a thing for penises?

Jesus. Anyone who thinks a crew should be grounded over something like this should grow the fuck up. It's pathetic people are so bent out of shape over something so miniscule.

Welcome to the military.

2 accidentally shot at church during church shooting discussion

2 accidentally shot at church during church shooting discussion
2 accidentally shot at church during church shooting discussion

the man put the magazine back in and recharged the chamber, but accidentally squeezed the trigger.

What a fucking idiot

So the dude ended up shooting himself in the hand and his wife in the stomach. That’s grade A idiocy right there.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."

What stops an idiot with a gun?

Coming soon to Reddit: "TIFU by shooting 2 people in a church"

Nuclear accident sends 'harmless' radioactive cloud over Europe

Nuclear accident sends 'harmless' radioactive cloud over Europe

I mean not all radioactivity is like "you're already dead" levels of harmful.

We are all surrounded by radiation constantly.

Because of its short half-life of about a year, ruthenium-106 is used in nuclear medicine – for example in cancer therapy for eye tumours – but can also be released when nuclear fuel is reprocessed

Like while it's not completely harmless it's not exactly the end of the world either. People are very prone to panicking whenever the word radiation is even mentioned.

Radiation is good for you. It keeps your genetics diverse

You keep your facts and logic and critical thinking away from here, we're trying to spread fear and incite panic! Radiation Bad! I'm going to eat a banana now.

EDIT: It seems I needed the /s after all.

Fun fact - Bananas are the most radioactive thing that you normally eat. Potassium-40 is a commonly found isotope of Potassium, and it's radioactive. Eating a banana exposes you to more radiation than living within a mile of a nuclear power plant for a year.

There's a really good xkcd comic that compares levels of radiation from eating a banana to being next to Chernobyl.

Berlin road rage driver 'threatens' ambulance crew saving a child

Berlin road rage driver 'threatens' ambulance crew saving a child
Berlin road rage driver 'threatens' ambulance crew saving a child

But prosecutors could yet decide to charge him with the more serious offence of obstructing rescue workers, which carries a possible three-year prison sentence.

I sure do hope so. What a jerk.

People are the most horrible people you can imagine.

because just leaving a note for them is only passive-aggressive and so last week...

tl;dr EMTs trying to resuscitate/de-fib an 18month old toddler get assaulted and their ambulance damaged by the owner of a car they blocked

I saw that to, the word 'could' should not be there. He is guilty so they have to charge him. If I'm speeding they don't think twice to sent me a ticket. But if your intentional actions could kill someone they have to think about it?! Wtf.

12-year-old girl sues Jeff Sessions to legalize medical marijuana nationwide

12-year-old girl sues Jeff Sessions to legalize medical marijuana nationwide
12-year-old girl sues Jeff Sessions to legalize medical marijuana nationwide

Sounds like someone didn't do their research.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Removal_of_cannabis_from_Schedule_I_of_the_Controlled_Substances_Act

"Currently, the FDA is conducting an analysis, at the request of the DEA, on whether marijuana should be downgraded, said Douglas Throckmorton, Deputy Director for Regulatory Programs at the FDA, at a congressional hearing in June 2014.[4] In August 2016 the [Obama-administration] DEA reaffirmed its position and refused to remove Schedule I classification.[5]"

Plus there are many other legal challenges pending. e.g:

"A diverse cadre of cannabis advocates filed a federal lawsuit Monday [July 2017] challenging the constitutionality of the Controlled Substances Act (CSA) as it pertains to marijuana.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Drug Enforcement Administration acting administrator Charles Rosenberg were named as defendants in the lawsuit brought by a former NFL player, two children using medical marijuana, an Iraq War vet with post-traumatic stress disorder and a social justice nonprofit organization."

http://www.thecannabist.co/2017/07/25/marijuana-schedule-i-lawsuit-unconstitutional/84473/

12 year olds shouldn't be doing their parents dirty work either. Her parents are clearly smart enough to know people wouldn't care as much if a middle aged grocery store bagger was suing sessions over weed. Manipulative parents if you ask me.

The girl is pretty much a prisoner in her state due to her medical condition. That’s not her parents dirty work, they moved there from Texas specifically to give their daughter a better life.

In the United States, in order to be a plaintiff in a lawsuit, you have to be affected by the thing you're suing for. The child is the one directly affected by the lack of federally legalized marijuana, not the parents. This is why she is suing, not them.

'Mary Was a Teenager.' Alabama Republican Uses Jesus to Defend Roy Moore

'Mary Was a Teenager.' Alabama Republican Uses Jesus to Defend Roy Moore
'Mary Was a Teenager.' Alabama Republican Uses Jesus to Defend Roy Moore

Not nailproof though.

Basically saying if you think he is a pedophile, then you think God and Joseph were pedophiles. A bulletproof defense.

I'm having a hard time accepting that this is real.

After Weinstein and Spacey: "Hollyweird needs to be exposed for the cesspool that it is!"

After one of their own: "If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for Roy Moore!"

‘Smallville’ Actress Is ‘Second In Command’ In Secret Sex Cult, Report Claims

‘Smallville’ Actress Is ‘Second In Command’ In Secret Sex Cult, Report Claims
‘Smallville’ Actress Is ‘Second In Command’ In Secret Sex Cult, Report Claims

Corporal punishment is a punishment intended to cause physical pain on a person. Common methods include spanking or paddling.

So yeah seems like they just discovered spanking. Truly sick./s As long as it's consenting adults I don't see an issue with it, but there is a mention at the end that gives me pause.

According to a New York Times report, a string of women have now come forward about the sick cult, blaming Raniere for manipulating them into a bizarre and unhealthy lifestyle.

I guess we'll see where this leads.

Reading more about this, it's not as consensual as it seems. Hollywood is full of fucking sick people.

10/10 would like to be in a "creepy sex cult" with Allison Mack.

Yeah but what about the rest of us who are outside of that club?

German police pull python out of man's pants after noticing "considerable bulge"

German police pull python out of man's pants after noticing "considerable bulge"
German police pull python out of man's pants after noticing "considerable bulge"

They pulled guns out of his shirt sleeves next

Edit: a word

"Is that a snake in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?"

Holy shit!! It's a goddam python!!!

Obligatory OwO

They initially pulled him over because his windscreen vipers were faulty

Try one of these subthreads