Nottheonion nottheonion

'Don't get shot by police' is goal of new advice in Arizona driver's manual

'Don't get shot by police' is goal of new advice in Arizona driver's manual
'Don't get shot by police' is goal of new advice in Arizona driver's manual

"Bolding said he wanted to make sure drivers knew what to expect, and what rights they have.

But he also cautioned against motorists getting carried away in demanding those rights, at least while they’re stopped at the side of the road.

“The stop may not be the best point in time to have that protest,” Bolding said."

Know your rights, but be careful exercising them because you will probably get shot.

How about instead of trying to train millions of people who don't necessarily deal with stressful situations on a daily basis, you instead train the thousands of people who do deal with those stressful situations on how to deal with them without someone dying.

"you should know what your rights are, just done excersise them in front of a cop."

If you don't know what rights you have, you won't be able to say good bye when they fly out the window.

Fans are legitimately upset that Michael Phelps didn't race a real shark

Fans are legitimately upset that Michael Phelps didn't race a real shark

why say he is gonna race a shark and not make him race a shark.

I mean, they did say he was going to race a shark

I think if a shark knew wtf a race was, they would pop the clutch about 3 tail strokes in and be a blur on the TV screen.

Next year I hear they will have Usain Bolt race that cat in a shark costume sitting on a Roomba.

Wisconsin Company To Implant Microchips In Employees

Wisconsin Company To Implant Microchips In Employees
Wisconsin Company To Implant Microchips In Employees

ill take the traditional employee id card thank you.

Adding another card to the 6 I already carry around every single day..

Or Implant a chip, owned by my company.. into my hand..

lol just give me another card. Do we really need to bring subdermal implants into this?

Work at company, get break room payment chip implanted in hand. A year later, quit to work somewhere else. New company, new chip, this time for break room, building access and computer access. Couple years later, there's a chip for everything. Car key chip, smart home chip, walmart chip. New heathcare plan chip almost every year because plans keep changing. In 40 years, work 15 different jobs, 35 different healthcare plans, 8 cars, 10 apartments, 2 homes, 65 retail establishments. Tell grandkids "when i was your age we had to pay for things with actual money. Now y'all so spoiled, just wave your hand like a jedi".

I see you've put in your two week notice. In order to transfer ID data to your new employer, you will need to pay the Data Transfer fee of 500$. This will not include health and purchasing data which is now the sole property of EnviraCorp's parent company Gofukurs Elf.

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Sean Spicer stole a mini fridge from Junior White House staffers

Sean Spicer stole a mini fridge from Junior White House staffers
Sean Spicer stole a mini fridge from Junior White House staffers

He needs some way to indulge his forbidden love of Dippin' Dots.

You said stole. That's your word. You said it, not him.

That's why Spicer stores his dippin' dots in his heart.

I really wish all political news was like this, nothing treasonous, just fun and dumb things that really have no consequence

Kenyan vice president candidate debates himself after rivals' no-show

Kenyan vice president candidate debates himself after rivals' no-show
Kenyan vice president candidate debates himself after rivals' no-show

He obviously lost the debate, as it would not be possible to win. There are only two possible outcomes.

He beat himself in the debate, in which case he lost the debate to himself.

He does not beat himself in the debate, in which case he did not win the debate.

It's a lose-lose situation.

I wonder if he won the debate.

But that doesn't make any sense. If he beats himself in the debate, then he obviously won the debate. You can't just say someone lost a debate because they won it. That is a bunch of nonsensical doublespeak.

I didn't say that, you need to go back and read my post. If he won the debate, obviously he would have won the debate. But that isn't possible here, because he can only beat himself, so he will always lose.

Let me explain it again. If you have your own arguments torn up and destroyed, obviously you lost the debate. But if you fail to tear up the other person's argument, then you have also obviously lost the debate.

What a strange game; the only winning move is to not play.

Okla. teacher turns to panhandling to raise money for classroom supplies

Okla. teacher turns to panhandling to raise money for classroom supplies
Okla. teacher turns to panhandling to raise money for classroom supplies

Weren't funds for public education cut or going to be slashed by the current government?

Yup, last budget the state of Oklahoma cut education spending. In Tulsa several schools are shutting down and class sizes are getting insane

I live in oklahoma and frankly our state government should be ashamed! We lost the teacher of the year because he and his wife moved to Texas to earn more money to live on and now make $40k more as a whole. We also have issues "emergency teaching certificates" for people with no training in education to teach our students!! We base sour whole budget on revenue from oil industry. It's atrocious

The bigger cities in Oklahoma just increased their panhandling fines too.

Justin Bieber banned from China in order to 'purify' nation

Justin Bieber banned from China in order to 'purify' nation
Justin Bieber banned from China in order to 'purify' nation

Guess they got tired of despacito

RIP inbox

Thanks for the gold stranger

If Justin Bieber was Chinese he would be banned from Canada since he has a DUI. I don't mind other countries banning Canadians for the same thing.

Malaysia is banning that song.

Try being Indian. Popular songs run on for years, and just when you think that the plague is lifting, the Bollywood versions start.

Baltimore Police officer mistakenly records himself with body cam planting drugs at crime scene

Baltimore Police officer mistakenly records himself with body cam planting drugs at crime scene

Honestly... i hope he gets 20 years for this. He tried to ruins someones life and seeing this brings about the kind of anger that is dangerous to good police. I hope he gets hit hard

"The officer whose camera shows him planting the drugs, Officer Richard Pinheiro, is a witness in approximately 53 active cases"

He shouldn't be a witness for any cases anymore. He's lost all credibility. Any defense attorney worth his/her salt would immediately bring up this video to show the officer cannot be trusted.

He shouldn't be a witness for any cases anymore.

He shouldn't be a police officer, end of story. He should be immediately stripped of badge, rank and weapon and placed under arrest.

There should be 3 cops indicted for this as the others just stood there and watched him do it.

Youth leader facing sex charges claims teen was 'keen as a jellybean'

Youth leader facing sex charges claims teen was 'keen as a jellybean'

If you're trying to defend yourself against accusations of sex with a minor... don't say... that.

If nothing else he should be arrested for the sheer creepiness of using "keen as a jellybean" to describe a sex partner.

Even if there were a proper context to say such a thing, this has ruined it.

"When questioned by the judge about sticking his pudge inside the teens' fudge, the defendant's testimony was found mudge. Despite a nudge from his drudging counsel, he refused to budge. His reputation suffered much public smudge after the verdict was adjudged. The convicted sex offender now faces a long trudge through the sludge, as his behavior in court was decidedly misjudged. He now holds a grudge against the judge."

edit: Thanks guys :) My services are available to anyone looking to spice up their marriage proposals, transsexual Greek orgies, Nickelodeon-themed bat mitzvahs, and Game-of-Thrones wine parties... Seriously, please hire me...

"Whether you're a sophomore courting an adorable senora with a plethora of flora, or you're about to score a whore of Gomorrah with something extra in store-a, or you're bored of reading the Torah like you're Dora the Menorah Explorer, or you're a fedora-wearing pourer named Jorah waiting for poor Gendry to come ashore-a, my door is always open like a box of pure Pandora dumped on the floor-a."

Nurse reveals she left the NHS after being charged £80 for parking as she treated patient having cardiac arrest

Nurse reveals she left the NHS after being charged £80 for parking as she treated patient having cardiac arrest
Nurse reveals she left the NHS after being charged £80 for parking as she treated patient having ...

This is truly atrocious. I know so many nurses and every one hates about 90% of their job due to the misery of being improperly run. That they keep doing it is a testament to what amazing people they are. The NHS, nay the country cant function without people like this woman and all she is given is a slap in the face for it. That judge is a total moron for forcing nurses to pay those fees. Does mitigating circumstances mean nothing anymore! A plague on all their houses!

Why the fuck are employees being charged parking in the first place?

Having a fee docked from your pay to park at your place of employment, especially a medical facility, is ridiculous.

I understand when public transport is available, driving is a "luxury" and not a necessity, but when it's disgusting, overpacked, unreliable and dangerous in most cities, you can't blame people for preferring to drive.

Excellent question...

Try one of these subthreads