dadjokes

Today this guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter…

Today this guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter…

I said, “Of course, give me your pack.”

He handed over his pack of cigarettes and I took one out and gave it him back saying, “There you go.”

“What’s that?” he said, all confused.

I said, “It’s a cigarette lighter.”

There were three people on a boat with four cigarettes and no lighter. so they toss a cigarette off the boat and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

this is the best joke to tell to many people, because it is short, mildly clever, based on a pun, and you can change the beginning bit so that when you tell it to one person you can tell it to another person (while that first person is still around you) and people think for a moment that you are telling a new joke. repeat this with like 4 people, so that by the end the first person knows what the joke is and will call you out on it if you do it again, and with the next person to join the joke parade you say

What's the difference between a zippo and a hippo? One's really heavy and the other a little lighter.

just to show everyone that you have more than one joke. but not really. 100% guaranteed groans as everyone gets tired of your shit.

Oh my god I'm retarded. I should really delete my comments... Except I deserve all the downvotes I should get right now

edit: Woah. I feel like I cheated the system. Was in the negative before openly accepting my fate... Thanks for all the pity upvotes, lol

My nigga.

You're on fire with this one.

Why were the dark ages called the dark ages?

Why were the dark ages called the dark ages?

There were too many knights.

I can't see what you did there.

I can see what you did there.

I can't hear you, it's too dark in here.

Was quickly scrolling through and thought this was a /sub/askhistorians thread and said "awesome, something I can answer." Caught me off guard as my eyes rolled.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well

This seems pretty deep for a dad joke.

It's sure to make a splash on here

Uh oh, the pun well is drying up. Water we going to do?

"to me" is an English instructional statement, directing the verb toward oneself.

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Just dad joked my dad.

Just dad joked my dad.

My dad was feeling his wallet in his back pocket and says, "My wallet is cold."

I said, "Maybe they froze all your bank accounts?"

EDIT: A word.

Maybe it was his cold hard cash?

Damn, that's good too.

I read the title as "just dad, joked my dad" Then I realised it's supposed to sound, "just dad-joked my dad."

Froze his ASSets.

I've started a business making boats in my attic...

I've started a business making boats in my attic...

Sails are going through the roof.

That sailed right past me...

Well I keeled over with laughter.

Do you get a stern look from your neighbours or do they bow down in awe?

With rudderless commentary like this, it's no wonder the sub is adrift.

"That's what." -She

"That's what." -She

I read it and didn't get it. Checked the sub and read it again. Proceeded to roll my eyes so far into my head I could see my brain.

This is stupid. +1

Same except I didn't find the brain.

I prefer this variant:

"That." - She

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay.."

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay.."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"

Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

Son is having an identity crisis. I don't blame him; life is so stressful lately!

Mom: Dad, I'm gay

Son: looks at sweat

Fist: clenches mom

Don't: "Do it!"

Dad: mom

Son: "Hi sweat, I'm clench"

Edit: spacing for desktop users

Did you have a minor stroke while writing this?

Edit: Your edit wasn't just for desktop users.

I think I did while reading it o.O

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

According to my pregnant wife my hand is too warm and I am cooking the baby. She's at 22 weeks and alternates between saying shut up, don't touch me, you did this to me and we should have two more after this one.

I am literally having a baby right now and I got the best eye roll from not only my wife but all the staff in the room. Thank you for that!

Tell your wife it is going to be a shock for the baby when it is born, as it was used to womb service.

Wait until you get to the labor ward

My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...

My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...Today I found this one.

Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)
My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...

Today I found

Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)

Marry her.

Oldest joke in the book:

knock knock

Who's there?

Eiffel

Eiffel who?

Eiffel down and hurt myself

Who spells Wife as GF?

"Just wanted to tell you I love you even though you're not naked right now".

Good lord, that's amazing.

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

And whilst I was reading the alphabet, I found a bundle of sticks between N and Q.

H I J K L M A O

LMNO

Laughing my nuts off?

I appreciate the use of the lesser known definition of the word "faggot."

Edit: I'm a moron/spelling

Try one of these subthreads