dadjokes

Which athletes keep the warmest in the winter?

Which athletes keep the warmest in the winter?

The Triple-Jumpers

Which ones?!

Dad "If you are at the Apple store when it gets robbed"

Dad "If you are at the Apple store when it gets robbed"

does that make you an iwitness?

iGetit.

iDon't.

And if you're at an Apple store and you get robbed... Well congratulations on your new phone!

The people working security at Samsung stores are Guardians of the Galaxy.

What do you call a slightly cool vegetable?

What do you call a slightly cool vegetable?

A Rad-ish

Expected coolcumber

Iceberg Lettuce

Icettuce.

Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot. This portmanteau was created from the phrase 'Iceberg Lettuce'.

Cool beans

Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear.

Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear.

Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes

So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on.

Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right?

Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car"

Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok"

Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead"

The door shuts, my jaw dropped.

I run to the door, open it,

"Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!"

She replies only with a smirk.

I'm so proud.

Now you become a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark Dad Knight. Edit thanks ISiupick

Congrats, you're gonna be a granddad.

Ugh let hope not any time soon

Hell of a pregnancy announcement.

An iceberg walks into a bar

An iceberg walks into a bar

Orders a single beer and leaves 200 USD

Bartender: Wow! That's way too generous! Iceberg: That's just the tip of an iceberg!

This joke froze me in my tracks.

I had to read it twice before it sank in.

Does that mean the beer was $2000?

That tip is titanic! Too soon?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

Best use of the spoiler tag

So he could say me, if were just a regular person he would have said my

Why a pirate?

When's the last time you saw a leprechaun driving?

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors anymore?

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

I really thought this was going to say “Chameleoff”. So I am writing it for you.

the real dad is always in the comments

That got a solid chuckle out of me

Wow, that was cold blooded.

My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...

My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...

Good man, terrible geologist...

Gneiss.

Never take puns like this for granite.

That was Onyx-pected.

It was a real gem though

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Nice. This one gives you enough time to run away from the wife before she gets it.

This one gives you enough time to run away from the wife before she gets it.

Didn't matter...still ended up sleeping on the couch:~(

This is next level cleverness

Worth it.

My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

This joke had me in stitches

Maybe she's a terrific surgeon?

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

Reminded me if this old groaner

It left me breathless.

https://i.imgur.com/rhZm0JE.jpg

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