My wife spilled her red hair coloring all over the bathroom
It looked like somebody dyed in there...
Did you catch her red handed?
don't yell at her, talk to her gingerly
Don't wine about it, Scarlet. Call Ruby and Carmine to help you clean it up.
Can I go to the beach today?
I guess we'll sea.
sorry kids, that ship has sailed
This must be what low tide looks like on this subreddit.
I have no words that was great.
I can’t fathom anything worse.
Please don't make fun of foods stored in cupboards
They're in a dark place right now
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
I did this with silly putty instead of her nightly face-mask.
It made quite an impression.
Sounds like you’ve got a bit of a sticky situation there.
Mum's the word on whether she's going to forgive him.
What do you call a pirate motorcycle?
An ARRLEY Davison
This is really bad I’m sorry Xd
Not a yamahaaaaarrrrrgg?
You'd think it's R but a pirate's first love is always the C!
Bad but funny, take my upvote
Genius. Absolute Genius.
When someone mentions "r/dadjokes" in the joke
You know you've meta real dad.
Why do scientists use doorknockers?
To win the Nobell prize!
You stuck the landing for him
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
If only we had eaten our vegetables.
My dad used to say "do you want me to step on your foot to distract you from [thing I was crying about]?" in the same tone that people use to say sympathetic comforting stuff like "there, there." The question alone was distraction enough the first time he used it because I had to ask how that would help and listen to the explanation, and by then some of my feelings had disbursed. "I'll give you something to cry about" is often dismissive, and somebody could use my dad's phrase to be dismissive too, but when my dad said it he meant it as "I sincerely want to help you not be so upset." I could tell because of his gentle, concerned tone and because he usually paired it with some other gesture of affection. If what I was crying about really wasn't that serious, the offer would snap me out of it a little because it's kind of funny; but if I was really hurting and the question didn't help, my dad would switch to a more serious way of addressing the problem. And of course if it was obvious from the beginning that what I was crying about was really serious he would skip it altogether. I have a good dad.
The carrots, the green beans, we should have listened.
A better punchline is ‘I’ll make you repost for karma!’
Why aren't there any casinos in africa?
Because of all the cheetahs
I'd be lion if I said I didn't chuckle
Thank you. Good bot
Gazelle your stuff someplace else
How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege
Wow haha that’s actually a chuckle
This reads like a blackadder joke. Fantastic.
Congratulations, you are now a dad!
I don't know if that's a Monty Python joke or not, but, that's a great Monty Python joke!!