dadjokes

I tell Dad Jokes but I'm not a dad..

I tell Dad Jokes but I'm not a dad..

I'm a faux pa.

It wasn't aparent to me.

Are you saying this can't go any father?

This gives me great dadisfiction.

Even though I don't have any children, I also tell dad jokes. He usually laughs.

How do you make a Pirate angry?

How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the 'P' out of him…

This Ps me off

Or you ask him to speak the alphabet. He always gets stuck at 'C'

Calm down, they're just taking the P

You arrrrrrgue with them.

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery.

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

Was her name Eileen?

Peg.

Ringo's got it!

I bet she was beautiful, worts and all.

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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

That one slipped right be me

This joke is a direct dilation of good taste. I'm calling customer cervix .

"I had heard that the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone cracked in half. I don’t know if that’s true, but, I thought, if it is, they have exclusive rights to ten. And now I’m thinking, “what was I worried about? Is there like a femur ward in the hospital. They would have heard about me and hobbled into my room.” “Who the hell… had the AUDACITY… to say he was at a level ten?!? You know nothing about ten. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what ten is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!” How could I possibly… I can’t. So I thought, “I’ll say nine. Then I thought, no, childbirth. I better not try to compete with that.” And then I’m thinking, “you know what must be hell? Giving childbirth when your femur bone’s cracked in half.”

-Brian Regen

Get hold of a cord or something

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are the same.

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are the same.

Then you'll have a match.

Or you could grab two different weighted ones, then put down the heavier one and use the lighter.

Ffs.

And I thought I couldn't roll my eyes any further.

That this is the top rated comment tells me this joke was a huge success.

My boy asked me to hand him his sunglasses.

My boy asked me to hand him his sunglasses.

I told him I'd do it as soon as he hands me my dadglasses

Don't forget his sonscreen !

'Son.'

'Yeah Dad?'

'That or not?'

That sounds less shady

Well don't leave us in the dark! Did you ask him that or not?!

When my kids are grounded I read them jokes from this sub.

When my kids are grounded I read them jokes from this sub.

I think it's an effective form of pun-ishment

This has got to be the lowest of the low. I'm floored.

Hi floored, I'm dad

Hi dad, I'm floored

Were they grounded for resisting a rest?

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

You actually need to put this on the "mom jokes" subreddit.

/sub/momjokes

Is it really that hard folks?

Here's a sneak peek of /sub/momjokes using the top posts of the year!

#1: Why couldn't Mom take her kids bike riding? #2: Why did the couple insist on serving melon at their wedding? #3: KARMA GRAB! Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

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I'll put the kettle on

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

....because freedom rings.

Edit: wow this is getting decent attention, Happy Brexit 1776 everyone!

Edit 2: top 50 all time on /sub/dadjokes and I'm not even a dad yet!

On a scale of 1 to 1776 I give this joke 50 states out of 45 presidents.

Relevant username

I think the phrase you're looking for is "username checks out"

Yes. Yes I was.

Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

“Hey, a train just went by!"

“How do you know daddy?”

“Because its tracks are still here!”

take my upvote.

You train your kids well in dad-jokes.

And get out lol

Great joke! It really ties in well.

Try one of these subthreads