A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
Best use of the spoiler tag
So he could say me, if were just a regular person he would have said my
Why a pirate?
When's the last time you saw a leprechaun driving?
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction
I really thought this was going to say “Chameleoff”. So I am writing it for you.
the real dad is always in the comments
That got a solid chuckle out of me
Wow, that was cold blooded.
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...
Good man, terrible geologist...
Never take puns like this for granite.
That was Onyx-pected.
It was a real gem though
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Nice. This one gives you enough time to run away from the wife before she gets it.
This one gives you enough time to run away from the wife before she gets it.
Didn't matter...still ended up sleeping on the couch:~(
This is next level cleverness
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
This joke had me in stitches
Maybe she's a terrific surgeon?
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
Reminded me if this old groaner
It left me breathless.
I was watching the sun rise, when it dawned on me
Wow this reminds me of the time I was staring at the ball, wondering why it was getting bigger!
Then it hit me
This made me chuckle. I'm going to use this.
And on the other hand... I have 4 fingers and a thumb.
"This made me chuckle. I'm going to repost this." -every other redditor
Why are people talking about Mayweather?
If your talkin', then July'n. Now March out that door if you aren't going to tell the truth.
I'm always counting the days until the next calendar joke.
They tend to be pretty week, though.
The Sun and Moon walked into a coffee shop today...
Sun: "Oh man, I forgot my wallet!" Moon: "Don't worry, I'll cover you."
I don't know how long you waited for this repost, but I know it was a long ass time.
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his dumb asphalt…
Hopefully the evidence against you isn't concrete.
Asphalt fumes are toxic. Don't inhale them.
I gravel to your wittiness
No doubt, he feels some sediment toward you
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy
At first, I was confused about the lack of a punchline. Bastard.
They live with a fucking princess. What do you expect?
Looks like a small victory for me.
In the story of Snow White, there are 7 dwarves. They all have names. One is named Happy. The other 6 are not named Happy.