LifeProTips

LPT: If you're ever called by your bank's fraud department hang up and call them back.

LPT: If you're ever called by your bank's fraud department hang up and call them back.

I got a call from someone claiming to be from fraud department of my bank over the weekend. The call showed up on my caller ID as US Bank which is how I have it saved in my contacts. He said there was a fraudulent charge from American Airlines and I was on that their website booking a flight about an hour prior to the call. For a moment I thought it was legit but then he asked for a pin #. Just be careful because the caller ID makes it seem real. The actual fraud department said they have seen this multiple times with the caller ID showing as the bank. :/ edit... Hey thanks to everyone that shared a story or gave advice! I appreciate everyone's input :)

UK here, my bank called me told me they thought my card had been cloned and wanted to check stuff out and wanted me to confirm my name and personal details so they know who they are talking to. I asked how I know they are who they are and they just repeated that they are the fraud team at HSBC. I said I would go to branch right away then because I don't trust them and they got a bit arsey and said that the bank would only pass me onto them anyway.

Turns out my card had been cloned and they just had really sucky security sense.

Anyone can download an app and make their return number anything they want. Caller ID is never totally trustworthy.

I've been on the other end of this, working in a bank for a while. Phoned up a customer to do a preliminary review on the phone, needed to do security first, and they said "How do I know you're from my bank?". I think my answer was something like "I'm in the branch in <city>, about a 5 minute walk from your account address. Did you want to call us back, or pop in to do this face to face?". They came in about an hour later.

First and only time someone had challenged me in the 2 years I was there.

Thanks. That was a new one to me, wasn't sure how it was done.

LPT: Text your dad right now and tell him you're thinking of him and that you love him. Mine would've been 49 today. You never know how much time you have.

LPT: Text your dad right now and tell him you're thinking of him and that you love him. Mine would've been 49 today. You never know how much time you have.

Edit: I'm sorry if your relationship with your dad sucks, please feel free to replace the word dad with any proper noun that makes the LPT work for you.

Sorry mate that is way too young. Here is my only consolation- my father is alive but he is a piece of shit. Your father must have been a great man for you to be thinking of him and missing him the way you do... I only wish I could feel the mourning you feel, so much so i'm jealous of it. My dad will one day die and I will still be sad, but i'll never mourn it the way you do because he is just not a good man.

I lost my dad 7 days before my 18th birthday, and last November I lost my son who had just turned 18, life sucks

He was 34 when he died. He was a great guy, in my opinion and I am glad to have known him the short time that I did. This post wasn't really about mourning the dead as much as it was about loving the living, though. I'm sorry you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but maybe you are close with your mother, or your SO, or your best friend. Let them know today that you love them.

My dad took off to marry "the other woman" he was cheating with when I was six. He lived within five miles of me my whole childhood and never got in touch with me or my siblings. He hasn't spoken to me since I was eight, in family court.

So instead I texted my Father-In-Law, who is a great guy. Life is about the options we choose.

LPT: Stress Management (Lessons learned from a USAF fighter pilot)

LPT: Stress Management (Lessons learned from a USAF fighter pilot)

UPDATE: TL;DR at bottom of post. Also, I AM NOT/WAS NOT A FIGHTER PILOT. I was an enlisted member (Staff Sergeant), being taught by a fighter pilot. Sorry for the confusion.)

UPDATE #2: YOGA IS NOT BAD, YOGA IS GOOD. Sorry for the confusion there. I am not hostile towards yoga. At the time of the training, yoga had surged in popularity and people were using it as a substitute for actual problem solving, so the instructor used it as an example because it was a hot topic. Yoga is good and DOES make you feel better and DOES relieve stress, but it's imperative to not RELY on it solely for stress management. Also, others things like yoga, working out, etc, are very good for clearing your mind and focusing. The instructor said he fed his animals (he had chickens, lol) as a way to clear his head and re-evaluate his pile of stressors. Yoga is great for that, as is going to the gym, etc. It will temporarily relieve your stress, and also allow you a calm time to make your list of stressors, or even if need be, forget about them for a while. But it is not a final solution to removing stressors from your life. So, just to clarify, YOGA IS GOOD. I didn't mean to demonize it.

UPDATE #3: Thanks so much for the Reddit Gold. I've never gotten that, so I have no idea what to do, but it's a great honor nonetheless! I'm just glad I could help (if I was able to), and also must give full credit to the instructor that taught me these lessons in the first place. I really wish I'd gotten his name, so I could force him to go to every school and workplace to give the same briefing lol

Long story short: I was forced to go through stress management training during my enlistment, given by an active duty fighter pilot. Turned out to be the best training I've ever been through. I don't have his slides, so my version will be the abbreviated one. Also, I have added some things like analogies and such that helped me understand things better. I'm going to fit the real meat and potatoes of the training into the first section, then afterwards I might into more detailed descriptions of this or that. It's gonna be long winded, but if anything just get the middle section read and you'll be good to go.

Stress Management:

Stress is not a feeling, an emotion, a mood. Stop treating it like one. It's a physical thing that happens to your body. It's your body saying "something is wrong, fix it." Symptoms of stress/anxiety include things that can be measured by doctors, such as weight gain, lack of sleep, blood pressure issues, acne, hair loss, etc. Many people try to treat stress as a feeling, and do things to make them feel better, like yoga, workout, have sex, go to the gun range, or buy little stress balls that they squeeze when they feel stressed. This is the incorrect way to deal with stress.

Think of stress as financial stress. What is financial stress? You have too much to pay for and not enough money. If you were financially stressed and I told you I could make you feel better about it by selling you a squeeze ball for 20 bucks, would you fall for that garbage? I hope not.

This is how stress stacks up on your life: Imagine a graph. There is an invisible line somewhere on it going straight, horizontally, all the way across. That is your personal "stress threshold". Literally everything that you have to do in your life is a stressor. Imagine them as blocks stacking up on top of each other. Some are bigger than others. The closer you get to your threshold, the more stressed you feel. If you do not prevent them from crossing that threshold, you will enter depression, which is your body saying "screw it, you won't fix it, I'll just shut everything down until it works itself out.", much like how if you're freezing to death in the woods your body starts shutting down to save the vital organs, but you will still eventually freeze to death anyways. Think of stress as you shivering when it's cold, and depression as your body shutting down to preserve vital organs.

So, this is THE way to manage stress: You manage it. The pilot giving the training said to make a list, either mentally or literally, of EVERYTHING that stresses you out. Next, look at the list and see what you can actually take care of right then and there, and start knocking things off the list. You will literally be removing stress from your life. You ever wonder why people say they feel like their "load is lighter" or "weight has been lifted off their shoulders" after they complete a task? Because it has. Ever wonder why people say they feel good after mowing the lawn, or going to the gym, or whatever? It's because they've actually removed a stress block from their life. They've done something. Often times, people try to manage stress by drinking tea, or doing yoga, or doing things that simulate to their mind that they're accomplishing something, when really they're just tricking their brain into releasing the chemical that it does when you actually get something done. The REAL way is to actually identify the things that stress you out, and REMOVE them from your pile of stressors.

When you make your list, literally write out everything. Pretty much if you think about something and say "Oh crap, I have to do that.", it's a stressor. Everything from brushing your teeth in the morning, to changing that light bulb in the laundry room, to gassing up your car, to studying for that test, to out-processing for that deployment, to going to that job interview, etc etc. Write them down, look at it, and think "Oh shoot, I could just change that lightbulb right now. I could mow the lawn. I could fix that door hinge." Do this and you will be on your way to becoming more productive and less stressed. I've been doing this for years now and it works GREAT. It's how these fighter pilots manage their personal lives and flying a stupid fast war machine in combat. There have been a few times where I did still get too stressed out, but it was because I literally just had too much on my plate that was beyond my control, but since I understood how stress works, I was able to still get ahold of it and break myself out of the slight depression I had slipped into.

FURTHER NOTES:

Types of stress:

-Residual Stress (AKA Emotional Baggage): This type of stress cannot be eliminated, or is VERY difficult to remove. It is things that have happened to you in the past that you drag with you forever. They feel like things you need to "fix", but since they're locked in the past, you can't do anything about them, so they cause your stress pile to start out a little higher no matter what you do. You fell on your face that one time at school, or your parents never loved you, or you got stage fright that one time, etc etc. Some people have more than others, and it just always eats at the back of your mind. I have found an awesome way to get over this, but it is using my interpretation of the "heathen worldview", which is another tip for another time.

-Reoccurring Stress: These are things that pop up on a reoccurring basis, such as daily chores, bills, house or work maintenance, etc. They are usually small stressors for people, but since they pop up often, they're always needing to be removed anyways. People often shrug these off, but they can sneak up on you. If you don't take care of the small things, the big things will stack higher, faster. Ever heard the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back"? That straw was probably a Reoccurring Stressor.

-Time Sensitive Stress: These are stressors that are hanging over your head but cannot be taken care of yet. Your college finals. Job interviews. Upcoming vacation. Etc. They are among the hardest for me to deal with, because they are there, but you can't do them yet. The way to reduce their impact is to ensure you are knocking out the easier stress blocks in the meantime. Change that lightbulb, get your car serviced, mail that package, etc. Another way is to recognize the precursors to that Time Sensitive Stressor, like studying for the college finals, or preparing for the job interview. You will still be knocking things out, being productive, removing stress, and will be better prepared for the TSS when it does arrive.

A note on Depression:

This part of the training has to basically alienate a specific group of people. If you are clinically depressed, then this method may not help you manage your depression because your brain works differently. Depression is where you haven't removed enough stress blocks and so your body says "screw it". The danger here is that it will remove your energy, motiviation, etc. By understanding this, you will be able to get back in the saddle, remove some stressors, and get your life back under control. The pilot/instructor went deeply into the phases of depression, and what is known as a "psychotic break". Depending on where you are in your depression when you hit your psychotic break, you will lash out in a certain way. Example: if you're in "inner", you will hurt/kill yourself. If you're in "outer", you will hurt/kill someone else. But what makes it a "psychotic break" is that is will be completely bizarre. The example he used was Brittney Spears shaving her head vs. the NASA officer who went to Florida to kidnap her boyfriend's lover. Brittney Spears had much less stress on her life, yet she flew through all the stages of depression and basically hit her psychotic break at a point that caused her to just completely snap and shave her head. The NASA officer underwent a TREMENDOUSLY stressful entire life before finally lashing out at a person who made little to no impact on her overall life. It basically demonstrated how much some people can mentally endure compared to others, and how failure to manage it can cause serious problems.

A story of my usage of this training:

I'll make it quick. I was a SSGt in USAF. I was in college full time also. I had orders to the desert. I was a crew lead at my base for my specific job. I had finals for college coming up. In that same week, I had WAPS testing, which is how USAF enlisted troops test for rank. It's a big deal. I ALSO had to out-process for my deployment that week (anyone in can attest to what a stupid pain in the ass that can be). I was super stressed and it got to be too much. But I understood how stress worked. I couldn't make my finals come sooner, nor my WAPS test. Out-processing could be done during work hours. But I still had to lead my crew, which entailed all kinds of bullcrap. So here's what I did. First thing first, I told another NCO on my crew "Listen man, you're an NCO, you know the ropes, you're the crew lead now." I literally just dumped part of my plate onto his, but he was trained/qualified/capable of doing it, and that's literally what he was there for was to lead the crew if I wasn't around. So I just made him the primary and I took the alternate slot. A huge stressor gone. Next, I ensured all my little stuff was taken care of, such as chores/ honey-do's around the house. After that, I made sure I had a dedicated time for WAPS and college studying, so that that stressor didn't bleed into my thoughts all the time. Finally, I made out-processing my primary concern during the work day, so no work-related stressors could pile up. All I had to do was make appointments and knock things off a checklist. This literally saved me from becoming overwhelmed and let me make it through the ordeal. When it was all said and done I did great on my college finals, I didn't make rank (that's OK though, the cutoff score was high for my career that year), and I got to the desert (and back) in one piece. Thanks random fighter pilot on instructor TDY!

Anyways, I hope this helps someone. It has gotten me through a lot, and I share it whenever I can. Take care everyone!

TL;DR: Don't think of stress as a feeling. Treat it like financial stress. Think of stress as psychical blocks stacking up on your life. They key to keeping stress levels down is to REMOVE the blocks. Make a list of stress blocks, and ELIMINATE THEM. It will not just make you FEEL better, it will make you better.

Thank you for being kind enough to take the time and write this out and help other people.

Well, it's kind of tough to explain. It's basically my interpretation of a "heathen worldview" that people who practice a heathen religion view things. I know we're not supposed to discuss religion here, but my version isn't a religious view but more a "life guide" view. I dropped the whole "norse mythology religious beliefs" part and just focused on the culture and lifestyle of the Norse ways.

Anyways, the way I overcame nearly ALL of my Residual Stress is by accepting this as my worldview:

The past is locked in and cannot be changed.

The future is locked in and cannot be changed. It is fate.

The present is the only thing you have some control over.

The way it works is like this: The past cannot be changed. It is locked in. But its events have given you a set of options that you can utilize as decision making tools for the present which can help steer you towards the future you want. The future is locked in as fate, so there's no need worrying about it, however you can attempt to steer yourself towards the future you want/think you will have. Since you're dealing with fate here, you can rest easy that whatever happens is supposed to happen. So don't worry about it, just worry about doing the right thing, right now in the moment, to make good use of your past to steer towards a better future.

So let's say you tripped and fell on your face in public once. Well, it happened, screw it. However, it has given you a set of options in the present. The option to repeat your mistakes or learn from them. It taught you that maybe you need to slow down and pay attention where you're going. It taught you that you're not some perfect being who never makes mistakes. It taught you what embarrassment feels like. So recognize its lessons and use them to ensure it doesn't happen again. This will result in you being more confident in your movements and your future will likely have less of you tripping through it.

It's a very basic example, but I think it still gets the point across. Don't worry about the past. Don't worry about the future. Live in the now and live right. This will focus your energy on that, and on handling the task at hand vs worrying about things you can't change. Once you make peace with the past and use it as a tool for the present, you will find life a lot easier.

can you please elaborate on the residual stress relieving technique? I really need this right now. its my main problem right now coupled with recurring stress of my job tasks being higher than normal is really putting me in a bad spot.

This is the least relevant username to a comment I have seen in a long time.

But I love your sentiment. :)

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LPT: There are still 10,000 puppy mills in the United States. If you're buying a dog, insist on seeing the breeder's facilities.

LPT: There are still 10,000 puppy mills in the United States. If you're buying a dog, insist on seeing the breeder's facilities.EDIT: To sum up what I think were some great comments: 


There are many great dogs who need homes in shelters. Go follow your local humane society on Facebook. 
NEVER get a dog from a pet store. 
Apparently this LPT applies for other animals as well (e.g. Parrots)


And just to clarify, puppy mills and responsible breeders are very, very different. See this article for a great write-up: http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/the-dog-factory-inside-the-sickening-world-of-puppy-mills-w457673
LPT: There are still 10,000 puppy mills in the United States. If you're buying a dog, insist on seeing the breeder's facilities.

EDIT: To sum up what I think were some great comments:

There are many great dogs who need homes in shelters. Go follow your local humane society on Facebook. NEVER get a dog from a pet store. Apparently this LPT applies for other animals as well (e.g. Parrots)

And just to clarify, puppy mills and responsible breeders are very, very different. See this article for a great write-up: http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/the-dog-factory-inside-the-sickening-world-of-puppy-...

Rescue dogs ftw tho.  

Edit; RIP my inbox.  My 11ish year old rescue doggo.  IMG_01 http://imgur.com/b8hvAxQ

Rescue dogs ftw tho.

Edit; RIP my inbox. My 11ish year old rescue doggo. IMG_01

Let me add onto that by saying: Never ever buy puppies from Petland or mall Puppy stores. They're 100% sourced from puppy mills. No breeder would ever consider selling their puppies through Petland or mall puppy stores.

Edit: Looks like Canadian Petlands are much more responsible and help adopt out dogs and cats from shelters. However, to those saying that US Petlands are responsible, I encourage you to read from several sources:

https://www.thedodo.com/petland-holiday-puppy-mill-1512055496.html

HSUS has been critical of Petland for years. In 2008, the organization began an eight-month investigation into the chain store and found it was funneling sick and injured dogs from puppy mills to unknowing customers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/the-dog-factory-inside-the-sickening-world-of-puppy-...

(Both Petland and Citipups deny they sell mill dogs, but reams of evidence and buyer complaints collected by HSUS argue otherwise.)

https://www.consumeraffairs.com/pets/petland.htm

Consumer affairs give it a 1 out of 5 stars

They have some very shady practices and I encourage people not to support Petland at all. I personally shop at Petco and Petsmart- both encourage great pet practices and usually have drives set up with their local shelters with adoption days.

Just gonna shamelessly whore out my cute pups to make a point.

https://imgur.com/a/iZ9Z5

Both of these dogs are rescues. Both of these dogs have questionable pasts.

Lassiter, my big smushy boy (the brown one) was picked up off the streets around 2 years old. He was intact, very skittish around people, and very food aggressive. When we brought him home, he whined and hid in corners for a few days before accepting that we wouldn't hurt him.

Now, nearly a year later, he's a snuggler and whines if I'm in a room he can't get into. He shares his treats and eats side by side with his sister. He plays nicely with other dogs and gets super excited to meet new people. He's healthy and happy and that's exactly what he deserved after being presumably abandoned.

Yuki, my sweet grumpy old lady (the floppy white one), is about one year old. She was surrendered by a family that admitted that their kids had been abusing her (she was just a few months old at the time). She wouldnt let people touch her, wouldn't eat if someone was watching, and couldn't stand to be around other dogs.

I've had her for about 4 months now and I've been working on the touching thing. She will let you pet her if you don't touch her hind legs or around her eyes. She stills gets upset if you sneak up on her, but we are having her tested for hearing loss soon to try and figure that one out. She happily eats while I'm in the room and begs for table scraps. She is constantly learning new tricks and is pleased with herself when she figures out what I'm trying to teach her. She gets along well with puppies and small dogs, but is still nervous around bigger dogs.

I'm so happy I gave them a second chance and a place to be themselves. I don't know how their lives would have been had I not adopted them. Forget pure breeds, mutts are where it's at :)

"Adopt don't shop" is cliche and kinda cheesy, but shelter dogs are just as wonderful as any $$$ puppy from a breeder. They just take a little more love and nurturing, but the reward is immense.

Obligatory gold edit: thanks! I'll pay it forward and donate to my local Humane society!

Also, thanks to everyone replying! I love seeing y'alls rescue babies and how appreciative everyone is of their own shelter pups. If anyone wants/needs info on retraining and rehabilitating an abused or neglected dog, PM me and I'll get to them tomorrow. I'm not a professional, but I have plenty of insight and years of experience.

I would just say don't buy and adopt.

Edit: Many replies. And I just say again don't buy, adopt. Would you buy a baby? No. Well, same thing. Everyone excuses themselves how they want temperament, fur, bla bla bla. Everyone just fucking buy them because they want a pretty and stylish dog instead of a "common" one. There are exceptions, but cmon, dont kid yourselves. Most people dont care about that. I really can't understand the market of selling a living animal. Making another animal reproduce just to sell them, It's a fucked up thought.

Edit2: Wow gold! Thanks mate.

LPT: When trying to learn a language, watch cartoons. They have simplified conversations which are much easier to understand.

LPT: When trying to learn a language, watch cartoons. They have simplified conversations which are much easier to understand.

LPT: When trying to learn a language, watch a show you have seen all the episode for 100 times in that language

A lot of cartoons use goofy, exaggerated accents. That could be a problem.

Gonna need the fresh prince of Bel-air air in german for that.

Just started attempting to learn Russian. How does one find russian Spongebob?

LPT: If someone attempts to do something, especially for the first time, don't encourage them by telling them it's easy, it puts pressure on them to do it right first time and downplays their success when they achieve it.

LPT: If someone attempts to do something, especially for the first time, don't encourage them by telling them it's easy, it puts pressure on them to do it right first time and downplays their success when they achieve it.

If they're asking me how to do something, then it's already NOT easy for them. I usually start out with, "It's a little confusing at first, but once you get it it makes perfect sense."

You need to end with "but make sure not to leave any fingerprints and dispose of the gun in a secure place".

Seriously though, when someone says something is difficult or "I must be dumb for not already knowing this" I point out that everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone was new to everything at one point.

My friends told me snowboarding is super easy. "You just get up and do it." Luckily nobody saw me crying under my goggles.

'It's easy once you know how, but it takes some getting used to to start' is what I say. Reinforces that it'll take time and it'll be hard, whilst reassuring then that me making it look easy isn't because they're bad. I've just done it a hell of a lot

LPT: To use every last bit of nutella, pour hot coffee into the jar and stir to make a mocha

LPT: To use every last bit of nutella, pour hot coffee into the jar and stir to make a mocha

And one day you will taste its true form, Diabetes.

I microwave the glass jar for a little bit to soften the Nutella, then add milk and give it a good shake - Nutella flavoured milk!

Hate to break it to you, but it's probably because you've got diabetes

I like it, but are the jars plastic?

LPT: When someone says no to a piece of cake, don't try to convince them saying "it's just one piece". It's not just one piece. It's a mentally lost battle that will affect the coming battles, possibly resulting in a lost war against an unhealthy lifestyle for a person actively trying to improve.

LPT: When someone says no to a piece of cake, don't try to convince them saying "it's just one piece". It's not just one piece. It's a mentally lost battle that will affect the coming battles, possibly resulting in a lost war against an unhealthy lifestyle for a person actively trying to improve.

Also, some people just aren't that into sweets.

Enjoy what you enjoy, let others do the same for themselves.

Edit. Wow. My highest rated comment ever, is about cake. I'm OK with that. Thanks everyone

LPT: Respect people's responses.

Is it really that complicated?

EDIT: I see a lot of people saying that in some cultures turning it down a couple of times is normal / expected / shows respect or whatnot. I understand that. If that's the case in your culture, then so be it.

The comment was born out of frustration. We see this LPT in 9 different formats, but it all comes down to the same thing: if somebody doesn't wanna talk, if somebody says no, don't pressure them.

If you live in a culture where you don't have to turn things down 5 times, then leave it at once or twice.

...or they just don't like cake

So can i have your piece?

LPT: When someone offers to do something nice for you, like pay for dinner or help carry a heavy item, let them. When you refuse someone's kindness you're denying their opportunity to experience the joy of giving.

LPT: When someone offers to do something nice for you, like pay for dinner or help carry a heavy item, let them. When you refuse someone's kindness you're denying their opportunity to experience the joy of giving.

You're also denying yourself the experience of receiving kindness. It's easy to think that by refusing help you're not imposing or being a burden. But accepting kindness with gratefulness and appreciation is always the better path.

Depending on the situation, sure. Gotta watch for the people who only do things for you so they can hold it over your head later. Some people feel like you "owe" them.

The favors are NEVER equal, I might add.

"Hey remember last week when I took your fish for a walk?" "Yeah what's up?" "Do you mind paying my rent this month?"

I had a stroke a-ways back, and I can't work anymore. I spend most of my time in the house, and obviously my earning capacity is shot. I have a couple of friends that drag me out of the house a couple times a week to go to lunch. God forbid I ever try to pay the bill, or even my fair share. Anytime something breaks in the house they are there to help me with repairs. We had some power outage issues, and they bought me a generator, and paid to have it wired into the main. If I need a ride to the doctor's, no worries. I could go on and on.

Some people are just actually, truly good.

In Japanese culture, it is normal to refuse a few times (some say 3 times) to make sure they really want to pay or is a friendly gesture. You will often see people arguing at the register about who will pay.

Or basically most asian family meals.

The most hilarious time I've seen this was recently. There are four working "men" at a family table of 8, my dad, my uncle, my sis's father-in-law, and my sis's husband. At the end of dinner three of them suddenly get up at the same time (my dad, the father in law, and the husband) to chase down the waiter and ask for the bill because they all want to pay. The scene is complete hilarity with 3 dudes waving their credit cards in the air moving towards the register, shouting for the bill. Meanwhile my uncle still stays seated, chuckling and grinning to himself.

They all find out my uncle has already paid...because he took the waiter aside at the beginning of the meal and handed over his credit card and told the waiter not to accept payment from anyone but him.

It gets so ridiculous that if you're set on wanting to pay, you have to get sneaky about it and subtly flag down the waiter mid-meal to hand them your CC so they charge the meal to you first, before any of your family members try to pay for the meals as well.

LPT: Genuinely caring about somebody a lot, does not guarantee they care about you equally (or at all) in return. Some people will never care about you regardless of what you do or say. So don't assume somebody appreciates you just because you do nice things for them.

LPT: Genuinely caring about somebody a lot, does not guarantee they care about you equally (or at all) in return. Some people will never care about you regardless of what you do or say. So don't assume somebody appreciates you just because you do nice things for them.

This is something that I unfortunately didn't learn until well into adulthood - It may sound obvious when its spelled out, but when you're in the actual situation its not always so clear. Most of my life I thought if I really cared about somebody a lot, then they must care about me to some degree in return. It always felt like that connection was so strong it had to be mutual, even if the obvious signs showed otherwise. Despite certain people treating me like dirt and rarely reciprocating, I would do everything I could to make them happy. I would go out of my way to help them, say & do nice things for them, encourage them, etc..with the assumption they'd eventually show their appreciation for me being in their lives. I'd think "how could they not care about me when I make it so obvious how much I care about them? If I just keep trying they'll come around". This was especially true for people who maybe showed signs they cared at some point in the past, but weren't anymore.

What I've learned over the years is that a lot of times that reciprocal connection is imagined. The amount you love somebody does not always affect how much they love you back. People can and will use you and your emotions. And just because somebody may have once cared about you in the past, doesn't mean they still do now or ever will again in the future...theres often nothing you can do to change their feelings through any good deeds or kind words.

I'm not talking about classic "nice guy" syndrome. Not the crush who friend-zoned you that you're desperately trying to win over by being nice when there should have never been any expectation of feelings to begin with...I'm talking about people who you genuinely feel a meaningful connection with. Whether that be friends, family, or romantic partners.

I wasted a lot of time on people expecting them to suddenly start reciprocating my feelings and actions. I'd be convinced I could win people over (or back over)...including bad friends and former relationships...if I was just nice enough to them and let my feelings be known. Looking back I should have cut my loses far sooner. I should have focused more on finding people who not only cared about me, but wanted to make me happy in return.

Its important not to assume somebody appreciates you just because you love them and do good things for them.You can waste a lot of time and energy focusing on people who will never really care no matter what you do.

Edit I should note, I don't mean to say you should only do good things for people if you expect something in return. There is nothing wrong with being nice to people just because it makes you happy (even if they don't appreciate it). But you can't expect them to some day change their minds. And you shouldn't let your desire to please people who don't care about you distract you from finding people who do.

One of the downsides of this is that when you finally figure it out, then it can be off-putting to genuinely care for anyone at all just cause you've been hurt like that. But honestly if you gave up you'd be potentially missing out on one of the greatest feelings. When you find someone that cares just as much about you as you do them.

I fell in love with a girl. Did everything I could for her. She truly cared for the first year then, but she started slipping away and didn't care, then I found out she was married. (Her husband was in army, she was here from a job transfer) I immediately ended it. Was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. She moved back home to her family which is half a world away. Three months after the break up. I get a message saying she had committed suicide over me breaking up with her. I was beyond devastated and broken. I could not make it to her "funeral" but the family sent me pictures of it. Put out an obituary in the paper. I lived with such tremendous guilt that I myself attempted suicide 3 times. I hated people. I hated what I had become. About two years after the fact. My only real communication with the outside world was twitter. I had befriended some one really , really nice and had confided too about how much I missed her. Till one day. This person accidentally tagged their location. My suspicious become heightened. Was her family messing with me? I made another account and befriended her. Was able to get her to send a picture. It was her. She was alive. Her. Her mom and her disasters had staged her death to get back at me. I gave my every thing. The world is messed up and I trust nobody and won't do anything for any body again.

just found out a couple days ago that the person i kinda was in a relationship but not really (the definition of "it's complicated) for 2-3 months felt nothing the entire time...while i was always helping them w their emotional troubles and everything else.

shit really sucks

Edit: oh my! I posted that on a whim before going into work and just now seeing all of this. thank you all very much for kind words, and my first gold. Thank you.

Even though it was only a few months as of late, we go back years.

For some context, I'm a girl and this guy was one of my best friends for years and we had casually dated before. I dropped that I had feelings for him, he says he has had feelings for me for at least a year, but he is slightly more than friends with benefits with another girl, so we can't date. It wasn't a big deal but then he started initiating for us to be romantic, holding hands, dates, cuddling. The other girl was aware there was something between us but because she didn't want to commit to him she didn't care. Had him and I redated, this would've really meant something, it would've probably been a serious, long-term relationship. I was in the mind set that he just had some things to figure out first and after we would be able to be together.

This goes on for about 3 months, all the while I don't ever pressure for an answer as to what we actually are, but I am asking him occasionally so we can figure things out. Then finally earlier this week he says he hasn't actually felt anything more than friends all this time, but was too scared to tell me.

I'm honestly destroyed and absolutely humiliated. I want to forgive him so we can go back to being friends but I haven't been able to and I don't know if I'll ever want to associate with someone who would do that to me.

Thank you for letting me vent, and again, for the kind words. I will get over this, but it will take time.

Edit 2: I am going to finish replying to all you kind souls soon. I'm regretful I just now checked reddit so long after posting.

Also after reading some replies, I am not alone. If this has happened to you, we are not alone. We'll just take it in stride and learn for the next time. Much love.

I think this also ties in with loving yourself first. It can be hard on a person when they realize this, if they've been relying on other people loving them to feel value.

Love yourself, friends <3 do things because you want to, not because you want someone to value you or reciprocate

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