Jokes

What did the vegan give the homeless guy?

What did the vegan give the homeless guy?

A lecture.

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction

I got banned from the sperm bank the other day...

I got banned from the sperm bank the other day...

They said I couldn't come within five hundred feet of the building.

The Police Officer and the Proctologist

The Police Officer and the Proctologist

One morning on the way to work, a proctologist is caught speeding down a suburban street. The police officer turns on his claxons and pulls over the proctologist on the side of the road. He gets out and approaches the vehicle.

"Do you know how fast you were going?", the officer said.

"I'm sorry. I'm going to be late to a very imortant appointment. This multi-milionaire wants me to stretch his asshole."

"So you stretch assholes. How does that work?"

"Well, it's done over the course of fifteen different sessions. First, we start off small with three quarters of an inch. Then we strech it out more and more until it gets to about six feet."

"Sweet mother of God, what does someone do with a six-foot asshole?", the officer said.

"Normally they put them on the side of the road with a radar gun and make him write tickets."

What do you call a group of homosexual lions?

What do you call a group of homosexual lions?

gay pride

I knew someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

I knew someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign that says "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign that says "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"

The old man replies:

"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

My ex said my penis resembled a tic tac.

My ex said my penis resembled a tic tac.

So I asked her, then why does your sister still have bad breath?

Ugly Baby

Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Edit: I think I may be missing a version, but looking through the comments it seems no one else knows what it is either. I'll have to google it.

Try one of these subthreads