What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots.
At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said "I'm going to sentence you to one month for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson..you stole four carrots so that's four months jail time for you."
Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"
The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today."
The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."
I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors...
It's just something I can see myself doing.
Little Johnny dies and goes to hell...
...he finds himself on a pristine tropical beach, surrounded by hot nymphomaniacs and unlimited supplies of booze, drugs and viagra. He spots Satan chilling in a hammock between two palm trees and walks over. "Hey Satan, we were taught that hell would be very different... How come?"
"I know I know dude - see that hole over there?" Little Johnny has a look and spots a huge pit with fire, brimstone, people being tortured every which way... He walks back to Satan and asks "So what's the deal with that hole?"
"It's for the Catholics" Satan sighs "they like it that way!"
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip?
Girl, we used to be so tight until we let some dick come between us.
I think i'm bisexual...
Every time I want sex I have to buy it.
A family of Tortoise go on a picnic
A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.
A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They plead with Uncle tortoise to go back for it.
"No way, it'll take me two weeks to get there and back! You'll start the food without me and it'll be gone when I'm back!" he says.
After assuring him they won't touch the food until he returns, he goes off on his way. 2 weeks later and the Tortoise family are getting hungry but there's no sign of Uncle Tortoise.
"I'm sure he'll be here soon, we promised we wouldn't start without him" says Momma Tortoise
Another week goes by and he's still not come back. By now the Tortoise family is starving.
"We're all hungry but we promised so we'll have to wait I'm afraid" says Momma Tortoise.
Another week goes by and still no sign of Uncle Tortoise.
"I can't take this anymore, we can't starve ourselves" says Daddy Tortoise grabbing the sandwiches and passing them around.
As he takes his first bite, Uncle Tortoise pops up from behind a bush and says "I knew you were going to start without me, I'm not going!"
I wish I knew where to give credit for this joke, I know that I read it in the comments of AskReddit long, long ago. I was just cleaning up my notes in my iPhone and found it copy and pasted there. I hope it made someone laugh!
A young woman was taking golf lessons...
and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, "You are back early, what's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee!" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." she replied. He nodded and said, "Your stance is far too wide."
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear?