Jokes

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

Her: "Do you know any jokes?"

Me: "No."

Her: "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

Me: "Who's there?"

Her: "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

Me: "Ash: who?"

Her: "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

Me: rekt

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?

Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.

Me:???

Her: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Her: It's the chicken!

Bah God, that man has a family!

I had a good one when I worked at an amusement park.

At my park we were required to "pump up the guests" before we could send the ride. This means we had to yell something loudly like "ARE YOU READY TO RIIIIIIIIIDE!?!?!?!" and get them all screaming and cheering. Now, not everyone likes screaming and yelling (I know I don't) and sometimes you'd just get a lot of blank stares back. To keep it from being too awkward while also still doing my job, I started responding to the stares with:

Me: Knock, knock!

At least one rider: Who's there?

Me: Woo!

Them: Woo who?

Me: Now THAT'S the spirit! send the ride

She dad joked you while holding your hand through the joke.

double rekt

A lion would never drive while drunk.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Nike "Just do it"

Tiger "hold my beer"

"Just kidding, I'll bring it with me"

Driving used to be one of the better parts of his game.

I bet those are some shots he's regretting right now.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I saw a long cucumber sticking out - She probably hates having sex with me...

"Can a cucumber last for a whole 30 seconds and then cry, Martha? CAN IT, MARTHA?!

..that cucumber will never be me.."

My wife left me because i repost jokes on reddit.

FTFY

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?????

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

All your responsibilities went up in smoke

All 420 of them

It was a joint effort.

A good joint effort

What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!

No post on Sundays.

/sub/unexpectedhogwarts

unexpectedhogwarts

You messed it up...

Its what starts with e and ends with e and has one letter in it.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

Damn, that was deep. And really sad.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

He's jumping because disobeying the supreme leader will endanger his family

The fall was very deep. And the story was upset words.

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

Have you checked the freezer?

Yes, that's where they usually leave the divorce papers.

That's just cold

Bitch needs to chill.

KFC

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"

The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"

The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."

The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."

The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!

The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-

"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

Ha went in a direction I didn't see coming. Take your upvote.

They already had a similar deal in place with a bread company, hence the existing wording.

Wonder Bread: I deserve butter than this

Your comment was margerinal at best.

A boy and his dad are talking.

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies

What are hippies? The things your leggies attach to.

Where did Hitler keep his armies? France

Can confirm am leggy

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand box with Sally!" "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward. "Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie. "Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I thought this was going to be a sexual joke.

I love everything about this joke. Except Jamal.

Little Jimmy jokes usually are.

wait till you hear what little johnny has been up to

Try one of these subthreads