Jokes

I may not be the sexiest man alive

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

Maybe to you

If you’re not alive that’s gross

You left such a hot corpse

I may not be the sexiest woman not alive...

Why would a phone need glasses?

Why would a phone need glasses?

When it's lost its contacts.

Gonna tell this joke to my girlfriend when she gets back in the car. I'll update y'all on her response.

E: girlfriend approved

i love everything about this right now.

Please.

Why are all mobiles fake nowadays? Because they're all phoneys!

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

It's just plays the game for you.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

My wife is now a pager in a iPhone box.

My wife is now two cups connected by a string in an iPhone box.

Technical questions have no place in a joke sub.

Be GONE!!

My wife is a smoke signal in an iPhone box

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says, “uno, dos, “ poof. He disappeared without a tres.

saw this one here atleast tres times

I seis what you did there.

Tres - trace

Heh heh heh.

My wife is weird...

My wife is weird...

She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

Wife: "You only hear what you want to hear!"

Husband: "Okay, I'll have another beer."

Took me a second, but this one genuinely made me laugh out loud!

Mine starts conversations about six words into a sentence.

... from the store, can you pick that up for me?

"You only hear what you want to, even when it doesn't even rhyme with what I said!"

"Okay, I'll have another beer."

What does the r in women stand for?

What does the r in women stand for?

Rights

I put the D in women

woodmen

Wornen

there is no r in women...OH WAIT

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Were you selling them at an alarming rate?

"But... surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?"

"I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are."

I mean, that would work.

Edit: see also lock salesman Alfred Charles Hobbs

You could say he had good job security.

Why did the semen cross the road?

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the goddamned wrong sock this morning...

Didn't see that cumming.

Neither did the sock

I came for the comments.

Cumments*

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

“Honey, you’re not going to believe this, but...”

"your husband was here last night, ma'am. He was flying from Vegas though, so I wouldn't forgive him just yet"

http://i.imgur.com/lLxCoWM.jpg

I'd love to take credit, but my grandpa told me this one

Try one of these subthreads