Jokes

Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been kissed before" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been wined and dined before" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.

Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man. "Never been fucked before" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... "Well you're fucked now"

You shouldn't make jokes about people in wheelchairs. They can't even stand up for themselves.

As I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding the birds and I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

Jesus would know how long the guy's been dead by how long he's had to mow around him.

My guess is they roll with it.

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

The most surprising part is that it takes longer to get Obama's hair done.

everything has to be perfect before they let you up out of that chair.

It's true.

I once had a barber screw up the hairline around my temple and he wouldn't let me up until I grew enough back so he could fix it.

If I were a barber shop owner, Trump is the last person I would want there. There is no way I would let all of my customers think I was responsible for Trump's haircut.

You've clearly never had a black barber before. Those guys take a lot of time on your hair and everything has to be perfect before they let you up out of that chair.

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

The U.K after brexit.

...What's a "stranded island"...?

This guy gets it

Some ol' joke that pops up every single damned election.

"Maybe if I swap the names around, it'll be funny this time!"

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

A new joke on /sub/jokes? I'm stealing it.

Plot twist at the end of the song: the truck returns only for the guy to find out the truck was getting some more beer.

10/10 would listen

Number 44678 added to the catalog.

When Lil Dicky makes his first country album, we'll probably get this

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.

Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"

The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".

The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."

Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.

The class remains quiet.

The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?

Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.

At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.

Eddy looks around and says:

Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

It was during Abraham Lincoln days as a professor to Albert Einstein

I really hope this is a true story. I'll assume it is, thanks.

That joke was whore-ible

What do you call a dwarf in a tumble dryer?

What do you call a dwarf in a tumble dryer?

A midget spinner.

A midget asks the librarian,”Do you have any books on midget discrimination?”

The librarian replies,”Top shelf”.

Relevant username in specific language

Edit : thnx for the gold kind stranger!

Lol. It's in Hindi if anyone is wondering. Chota-Small

Nah.... I'm Indian.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:

'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today!!"

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry."

The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

I like the joke. The first thing it put me in mind of was thinking how I could be retired for 6 years if I'd joined the military in high school. Guns to my head and all.

Ahh yes. For me, i fondly remember the day I saw the winning lottery numbers. I sighed whimsically and lamented that I had not seen them the day before.

Was the father a warden? How could he put him in jail for twenty years? Also, how could he put him in jail if he held a shotgun to his face? Why wouldn't the husband just call the police on him instead? Why am I thinking too much on a joke?

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

EDIT: Whoa, that took off. Thanks for the upvotes everyone. I'm glad you all enjoyed the joke so much.

Trying to get into their guests' pants?

You're learning fast.

No, he's his wife's pimp. only he's a bad pimp who doesn't charge the customers.

I'm new here, but isn't that joke kind of old?

A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

EDIT: Wow, first time front page for me! Thank you all for the karma!

EDIT: Yes, this is a repost.

An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.

The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.

The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

Reminds me of:

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused at it, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing. And the next. The bartender's curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying 3 beers. He explains, "My 2 buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they've shipped away, I've decided to drink their beers in their honor so I may never forget." A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man 3 beers every night. One night, the man only orders 2 beers. The bartender asks him why only two, and the man responds, "I've decided to stop drinking."

Plot twist: in reality, there is only one tree and the son is an alcholoic, too. Runs in the family.

Have the bartender be heartbroken, thinking one of his buddies died.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

The real irony is that some solar-equipped homes in California actually store and sell excess power to the grid if they generate more than the household needs.

Some of those batteries used to store the energy are Tesla super batteries.

Edison is one of the largest power companies in California.

Tesla is literally selling electricity to Edison.

It's nice that Edison is finally paying back Tesla posthumously for all that douchbaggery.

Pretty clever, AC what you did there.

It's also funny that Tesla's solar panels produce DC - Edison's favored flavor of electricity- whereas Southern California Edison delivers alternating current - developed by Tesla.

Try one of these subthreads