Jokes

Apparently it's no longer PC to describe my car as being "nippy"...

Apparently it's no longer PC to describe my car as being "nippy"...

I have to say it was "made in Japan" instead :/

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The third year comes and John offers each villager only $50.Two villagers meet in the village pub to discuss. - Did John give you only $50 as well? - Yes, only $50! says the unhappy villager. So they both get up and go to John and talk to him: - People in the village are very unhappy, how come you only gave us $50 this year? - You know guys, the financial crisis came along, my son just started college as well, less money to go around overall... it's just tough life! After they got back to the pub, one of the guys says to the other: - What a fucking asshole, I can't believe he's sending his kid to college with our money!

Who is Anthony? Where is John? I miss Ion!

BTW I think you're shadowbanned. I could reply and write to you via inbox but your comments do not actually show up.

My bad! Fixed that.

Who’s Anthony again?

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts

Also he lacked the musculature necessary for movement.

The whole idea of a skeleton with the will to not cross a road is frankly proposterous sir.

What’s a skeletons favourite food?

Spare ribs

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball..he had no body to go with

Three Chinese Brothers

Three Chinese Brothers

There were once three Chinese brothers who moved to the United States for a better shot at life. They visited a cafe in which they found a pay phone inside. They didn't speak language and were told by the cafe owner that they may not use the pay phone until they learn English. So they set out to learn the native language of their new homeland. The first Chinese brother went to an opera house and encountered a fat lady holding a wine glass saying "Meeeeeeee." The second Chinese brother went to a fair where a popcorn stand was and the seller was yelling out "For 50 cents...For 50 cents." The third Chinese brother went to an ice cream parlor where the guy at the front of the cashier deck exclaimed "I'm first in line." The brothers returned to the cafe in which the glass front door was shattered and wide open and went they entered the cafe. They saw the cafe owner lying dead. The police came in and arrested the 3 brother as they suspected they were responsible for the murder. In court, the jury asked "Who murdered the innocent cafe owner?" The first Chinese brother yelled out "Meeeeeeeeee!" The jury asked "Why did you kill him?" The second Chinese brother exclaimed "For 50 cents For 50 cents." The jury said in conclusion "You are all found guilty by the court and will be sentenced to death by the electric chairs!" The third Chinese brother then said "I'm first in line!"

Is this joke translated from Chinese?

Maybe something is lost in translation.

Chinese "brothers" are stupid...

Dang it’s like they learned the worst possible phrases

They could be anything, not even relatives, and this joke will still make sense

An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer, when suddenly- He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with its left paw, raising the right paw to strike-

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

"Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.... "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but... perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

...a pause...

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed...

And the bear dropped his right arm... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive."

I thought you were going to close with "the bear then proceeded to molest him"

That’s a greatly missed opportunity 😂

I thought you were going to finish with that the bear didn't baptize his left claw: the one that killed him.

An atheist believes what is real and provable. If God were to appear before him as shown, the Atheist would likely be doubtful it isn't some kind of trick. If God could prove himself.... at any time... at all.... any Atheist would immediately convert.

It's the lack of evidence for God that makes Atheists... They don't hate God, they don't believe there IS a God... Prove there is and they'll all become faithful. But it has to be REAL proof, not just that you believe it, and not some book of ramblings written by man who was probably high.

There was this astronomer.

There was this astronomer.

He browsed /sub/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the front page.

He became well known his fantastic material, so much so redditors started to question where he got these jokes from, were they reposts from another site, did he steal them, did he make them up himself...

He decided to share his secret. "you won't believe this, but when I look out into space with my telescope, I see  these jokes all around our Universe... The Galaxy, the stars, the planets, even in the darkness of empty space itself", he says, "but every now and then a true gem will come along. You see... The real joke is always in the comets"

Not bad, did you planet this way?

Well done!! An actually funny meta-Reddit joke.

I looked at a comet through my telescope and it showed me the way

Oh my God. U know de wae?!

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

https://youtu.be/eIu4fP4fOHE

Best tongue twister by a voice actor:

I used to know an ex world tongue-twister champion. But she really went downhill. Now she has to scrape a living selling sea shells on the sea shore.

it took him 432 reads

It took me 432 views, and I had closed captioning.

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Ba-dum-tss

It also works because 'c' stands for light speed.

What happens when a pirate can't pee?

He becomes irate.

But what is the speed of dark? Mysterious music plays

Hey, Vsauce, Michael here!

What happens when a pirate can't pee, loses an eye, and forgets his rate?

He disappears.

Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

.... Just like yo mama.

The author has a promiscuous mother.

Hold the fuck up

It seems /u/JokeExplainBot is a bot!

To learn more about the IsBot bot, visit my website.

You son of a joke

An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had managed to break out of prison. 

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied them to some chairs, across the room from each other.

He went over to the the woman, and appeared to be kissing her neck.  Suddenly he stood up and went into the bathroom. As soon as he had left, the husband shifted his way across the room to his wife, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Baby, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After a second, the wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. Because he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him we kept it in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you."

Oh how the stables have turned.

Plot twist

Doubt it'll burn, he went to get vaseline

The worm has turned gentlemen

Try one of these subthreads