Jokes

*Creating password*

*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]

Edited for better understanding

Get out

Great movie, I recommend it.

This will be the password of a thousand tomorrow

Creating password

"Adnan_Targaryen's joke"

ERROR: [Password too weak]

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? She uses her right hand to moan.

This is mine now

Well you know what Helen kellers parents would do when she was bad? Rearrange the furniture.

When she was really bad they'd put a plunger in the toilet.

Now those are the classics I grew up on in the 90s.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

"For each stoner, there exists a higher stoner. In other words, there is no highest stoner."

I'm pretty sure we proved that in undergrad maths class.

However, the existence of infinitely many twin stoners is still an unanswered question.

As always, a relevant xkcd comic

They're getting really close to it though! Only a few years ago a discovery was made that there is an infinite number of primes that differ by 70 million. As of April, 2014, the bound has been reduced to 246.

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

Just a little bit longer than yours

"yeah it's not a micro dick but a tiny dick"

The scientific name is micropenis

Something she never said...

A jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

A jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd..."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

I appreciate this. Well done sir

Finally, I have been long enough on reddit to recognize a repost. i dont know if I should be happy or sad.

If you're just gonna tell a completely different unrelated joke in the comments, why not just make another post about it? This has nothing to do with anything here

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

EDIT: So a lot of u guys saying it's a repost. Well yes i admit it that i copied it from someplace else, but i did not went back to 1y old post to copy it and had no idea this joke was already posted before. Thanks for all the upvotes. Have a good day :)

Being a polite robber. Which we should support. There are too many impolite robbers.

Wtf was he trying to accomplish?

It's not very polite to be on your phone whilst you're requesting customer service assistance

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

Handcuffed and dragged into a three some

When I was in middle school all of us kids stood around a used condom we had noticed on the ground. Two male teachers walked up to see what was going on and I promptly asked them "Did you guys have fun last night?" Needless to say I was immediately sent to the principal's office followed by weeks of detention and an apology letter to each of them. Man those kids laughed though...

That is once in a lifetime on-the-spot pure comedy gold. Totally worth it.

Spider just caught a couple of flies.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."

The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."

The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."

"The old way?"

"Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer."

The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it."

The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first." He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots.

The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn."

The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."

Heh. Us humans, eh?

I read licking instead of kicking and was confused but also aroused

PM'd you.

*eh intensifies

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

better bookmark this, it's going to be in her next standup.

Well, if it looks like a cow, sounds like a cow and smells like a cow, someone's gonna try to milk it.

hopefully her next one is on the edge of a bridge

Go watch it

Nice try, Amy.

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

She won $50 in the dance contest.

You've just become a mod in /sub/imgoingtohellforthis

Because its.... Halalrious

God I wouldn't touch that subreddit with someone else's 10 foot dick.

Is there a subreddit for dark humor that isn't this retarded, unfunny and shockingly unselfaware?

Try one of these subthreads