Jokes

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard

the edit part was funnier than the joke

Gay dudes would never be caught dead wearing Crocs

Sad part is that the edit is also a repost

I didn't die for this shit.

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

Edit: Thanks for the upvotes guys. did not expect this post to blow up.

My neighbour asked if I'd been stealing clothes off her washing line, I nearly shit her pants

I laughed. She laughed. Her pants laughed. I shot her pants.

I feel like you've been on dnd jokes recently

You over reacted. I only pissed myself when I saw that sign

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Prime joke, op.

...And they arrive in the same box... :(((

The dumbbell is gonna make a mess of that package

S/he really delivered.

Advertisement

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

Now THIS is a joke.

Obligatory slightly related penguin joke:

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."

"That's a great idea!" says the driver.

A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.

"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.

"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

It only took him two hours to find the woman, seduce her, and get back to the bar...

007 must really be down in the dumps for this joke

Obligatory slightly related penguin username

If I had a dollar for every gender

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77

Came here looking for an offensive gender identity joke, found plain old misogynistic joke instead.

I approve

A surprise, to be sure. But a welcome one.

You'd have $1.77 and change.

You'd expect the answer $2 as with most two gender jokes.

But it's also making fun of the hit topic of unequal pay where on average women make 77 cents to a man's $1.

This topic is controversial because many interpret it as women not making the same money for the same job, when the stat is an average across all professions where things like men being miners and oil workers brings up the average.

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

They both make asians disappear

An important distinction should be made: One makes a plane full of asians disappear. The other makes an asian disappear off a full plane.

One is Malaysian Airlines, the other is maul-asian Airlines

You deserve this

You deserve

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Whorephans

Edit: thanks for the gold

A Kardashian?

Edit: Au, shucks! Thanks for the gild kind stranger.

I thought it was prostitots.

That was a whoreible joke.

I got banned from laser tag today.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

EDIT: Thanks guys, you blew up my inbox again. At least this time I know how to disable inbox replies.

Did you use a regulation laserknife?

Yep! It was a fleshlight...

It's not because of the ammo, it's because you run faster than your opponents

Yeah... Probably not good to use around kids....

Introducing "All the children" jokes

Introducing "All the children" jokes

Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:

"All the children do x, except [name] because he/she does y."

Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.

Some examples:

All the children were planned, except Jake.

His parents made a mistake.

All the children were tired, except Jane.

She had cocaine.

All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.

He stared back.

All the children were swimming, except Joe.

His lungs were full of H2O.

All the children are loved by their parents, except Dale.

He is for sale.

All the children died in the school shooting, except Tim.

They'll regret not respecting him.

All the children were cannibals, except Lucy.

She was juicy.

All the children killed a terrorist, except Belle.

She killed an infidel.

All the children crossed the road, except Neil.

He was hit by an Oldsmobile.

All the children can handle explosives, except Grace.

She is all over the place.

Keep them coming...

All the children wrote poems, except Tina. She couldn't rhyme.

All the children went to camp, except Drew

He wasn't a Jew

All the children were crying, except Jane.

She enjoys the pain.

*I would like to thank u/reduxde for gilding my comment about a child realizing the connection between pain and pleasure. Anyone have a good joke for the FBI when they come to my door?

All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.

He stared back.

Oh, geez.

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

How rude of him

I passed a homeless guy on the street downtown this afternoon. He shook his cup of change as I walked by. " Yeah I get it, you have more money than me. You don't need to be a dick about it. "

I walked past a homeless guy who said to me "any spare change?" I thought to myself: "do I really want this money to be spent on drugs?" I eventually thought "no" and I gave him the money

No respect for people asking for chips these days

Try one of these subthreads