Jokes

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

In 3 days, this joke will be reposted resurrected.

You nailed that joke

They say Jesus died for us but in reality he gave up a long weekend.

I thought the delivery was a little wooden.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edits might be making things worse rather than better…

Edit 4: Before you say anything, better get in line.

Edit 5: New joke: why DO churches have wi-fi? So every church-goer can brag about it all at once!

Because they can't let just anyone into the promised LAN :)

Christ you nailed that joke!

Pioneer47 lol

Edit* thanks for the gold kindly stranger

Jesus WEPed, that joke was so good.

My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

Edit: Yo my post made it too /sub/all that's so sick, this was told to me by one of my best friends earlier today so shout out to you bud!!

Pretty good, reminds me of another joke. Same situation of talking to a heterosexual male:

"Would you have sex with Ryan Gosling for a million dollars?"

"Of course!!! But I don't have a million dollars"

God damn bisexuals, always stealing girls from us then do nothing.

SPLOOSH!

/sub/unexpected

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90's kids won't get this 😂😂

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

You are terrible. Take this upvote.

As a kid born in the late 90's, I have no fucking idea. I've been confused for years

What's a 90s kid? Born in the 90s or grew up I the 90s?

I assure you I also am terrible. Kindly provide me with my upvote.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

You realize that you didnt have to walk? There's a bus.

It's a hard drive though

A universal bus with pictures of cereal on

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

What if all Jimmy Fallon sketch premises from snl were backroom agreements between the other cast members and Lorne Michael as a bet to see who could make Fallon crack first....

A conspiracy theory I actually buy

SNL cast: "alright guys today is another day where we see who can make Jimmy laugh first, taking bets."

Jimmy walks in

Jimmy: "Hey guys! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

SNL: "fuck, Jimmy wins again."

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

Hahahahahaha!

We're not different.

A woman was at home when she hears someone knocking on her door

A woman was at home when she hears someone knocking on her door

She goes to the door and opens it and sees a man standing there

That man asks her,

"Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door, disgusted.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question,

"Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in his face again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband thinks for a second and tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

"Honey, I'll take tomorrow off and stay home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whisper,

"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

"Do you have vagina?"

"Yes, actually I have one," she answers

So the man replies..

"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

That wasn't where I saw that punchline going at all

10/10

He likes his jokes to be like his dick!

Why wouldn't he have just gotten to the point instead of letting his wife cheat on him for two more days?

Now thats a joke.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

Two Italian men get on a bus, sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

The real joke is always in the comments

It was alright, but is everything that isn't a one-liner considered "long" now?

The real comment is always in the jokes

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

I was gonna say a midget, but a seatbelt works.

Edit, wow, thanks for the gold kind anonymous person!!

You pull and jerk a lot of midgets do ya?

I've heard that seatbelts most certainly do not fit snugly between breasts.

Could also be a tie.

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

For a second I thought this was some serious subreddit and really got scared.

Cut him some slack he only had the opportunity for 1 year.

Age of consent in Germany is 14.

"What is it, the Alabama of Europe!?"

I thought it was a seventh my age +2... Fuck

Try one of these subthreads