Jokes

The only thing flat earthers fear

The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

Christ, 4 hours and someone reposts, think that's a new record

You must be new here.

Correct. And also four hours ago.

Yeah, it's far from being a record. The entirety of social networking sites these days has almost made it acceptable.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: turns in gun and badge

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

To serve and protect.

he protec

he attac

but most importantly

he serve me my snac

he protec, but he also attac.

Waiter moment...

Tried to go to my first premature ejaculators anonymous meeting today

Tried to go to my first premature ejaculators anonymous meeting today

Turns out its tomorrow.

Turns out:"I came early" such a disappointment.

*disappointment

I snickered

Well that's a disappointment. Thank you anyways.

A man is showing off his new apartment...

A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"

"Yup."

"How's it work?" The friend asked

"Watch," said the man. He picked up the mallet and banged the gong as hard as he could, stepping back as the pound reverberated around the room.

The friends looked at the man, rather confused.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall started screaming "You bastard! It's 3 in the morning!"

So you see, your honor, I really did say "wanna come back to my place and see my huge brass gong?"

Yeah sure Aziz.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall started screaming...

And that person was me.

Aziz LIGHT!

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees" The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

And the man looks to his "other" boy and say, "And what do you think?"

"Stop talking over each other, boys"

And then someone walks by and says, "What? I only see one tree."

"See that joke over there? An alcoholic would think it's OC"

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

I could never conceive of such a joke...

I thought it was going to be a “stale mating”

Inconceivable!

I thought this was AskHistorians or something and scrolled past the punchline through the comments looking for the answer.

I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

I can't come. Sorry , looking for a ride if anyone's available.

This is going to be a very disappointing episode of "Fake Taxi" then

clap clap

Don't worry, I be there in 2 minutes

What was so wrong with USA...

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

The difference between USA and USB is that one transmits and stores all your information, and the other is a hardware standard.

Sooner or later they'll get to USSR....

Well then, your president should stop Russian for It ( •̥́ ˍ •̀ू )

What's the difference between USA and USB?

USB has standards.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

This joke couldn't be cornea.

Hits you retina feels.

Iris I could be as funny or as deep.

Eye see what you did there.

What a horrible way to die

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!

" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Thought it was going to be an elaborate story about how Mike's penis ended up in the wife.

I’d just like to know how you have a 10k volt light switch in your kitchen?

Same here. I was expecting fast-acting Super AIDS.

It's a hit at the parties!

Try one of these subthreads