Ode to the hour long call.

Ode to the hour long call. I wrote this while on an hour long call this morning. It's not art, but I amused myself. The guys at work thought it was worth sharing. So I share. Enjoy. EDIT: Holy crap, wow. Thanks, all!

Look.

You're in a hole.

I do not know if you fell or jumped in the hole.

I'm not here to judge.

(and I honestly don't care)

I do know these things.

I did not dig the hole.

You do not want to be in the hole.

I responded to your plea for help.

I have a ladder.

If you do not LIKE this ladder, I cannot help that.

It's not my ladder personally, so no offense taken.

If you want, I can try and find another ladder.

But it will take time, if you don't want this particular ladder.

It makes little difference to me.

I'm not the one in the hole.

I'd like to help you out of the hole.

However, it is ultimately on you.

But I'll help you however I can, as best I can, until you are out of the hole.

All I ask, really, is that you JUST STOP FUCKING DIGGING.

Absolute genius! It needs to be chiseled into grave stone or embroidered on a pillow (or both).

Pshh, one hour. I have a co-worker that had a 2:45 password change call.

This was great though.

Thanks, though the gravestone thought is sort of depressing. I'll opt for the pillow. :)

Here is a TL;DR of the call:

972 year old calls in for a pw change

First hour is getting him to the website to log in with temp

Finally get it changed, but now it is time to log in to webmail

30 minutes getting him here. He has a great idea and wants to bookmark it, then put said bookmark on his desktop. We are now into hour 2.

At about 2:20 the desktop shortcut to the bookmark has been created

972 year old man forgets his shiny new password from 2 hours ago.

Rinse and repeat.

"I changed your password to Password1 with a capital p."

"Okay. Is that a capital 1?”

"What's in your wallet?"

I salute your co-worker and will proudly call him Brother. (or Sister, as the case may be)

I did have a call that went on for over three hours once, but we helped a client in an overseas hotel format a drive, and install XP over the phone. At least we had lots of little steps to keep busy.

My record for a password change is about forty minutes, and that almost reduced me to tears. 2:45 for a password? Good lord. I'd rather eat sand. Poor bastard.

I see your 6 hour call and raise you my 8 and a half hour call to reinstall HP Printer drivers.

This was back around 2003 when HP just rolled out their newest and most bloatedest driver to date. This thing clocked in around 400MB at a time when a lot of people were still on dialup.

Fortunately, this lady had a driver CD. Unfortunately, the driver didn't install properly (cue shocked gasps), so we had to uninstall it.

She had already installed it twice before, once by herself, and once with some Indian guy she could barely understand. Since I'm Canadian, she didn't want to let me go and begged me to stay on the line. I was only too happy to oblige.

Her computer being the piece of garbage it was, the first install took about 2 hours. The last guy hadn't uninstalled it properly when he hung up on her, so the install we started didn't work. I walked her through various command line utilities on the disk to scrub most of the HP garbage out of the registry, then I had to hold her hand through deleting a few registry keys the uninstall tool missed, as well as some files left on the HD. This took an hour and a bit.

Two hours into the second install, she got ahead of me and plugged the cable in, which started Windows installing it with no driver, and this particular HP driver was so fragile that we had to start over again. Another hour and a bit uninstalling.

Finally we installed it, and she waited patiently for my instructions and didn't do anything without my say-so. All it took was 6 hours of training. The driver finally went in without any issues, and I got her to plug it in, and it was finally installed. We did some test prints and scans, everything was working great.

She was my second call of the day at 9:30AM, I worked through my lunch, and got off the phone with her just around 6, in time to go home. My handle time was shot for the month but I didn't care, after the first 2 hours I wanted to see if I could drag it out for my whole shift.

Better that than getting beaten with the gravestone...

So the client can come and suffocate you with the pillow? I'd go with something safer.

My favorite part:

"30 minutes getting him here. He has a great idea and wants to book mark it, then put said bookmark on the desktop.

We are now into hour 2."

Capital one is a financial institution whose "catchphrase" is "what's in your wallet?"

This is worthy of being used during an actual support call. No more car analogies. It also perfectly conveys that you as the supporter is not the one with a problem.

I don't recall, but at the time we were all about customer satisfaction, so they probably didn't care as long as I was making her happy, which she was.

I take your 2.75 hour call and raise you 6 hours (and like 7 minutes) on the phone with Microsoft support & engineers.

Alternatively, a final resting place in the sidebar would be an option.

TLDR: "We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through to dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do"

Wow, what a concept. A happy balance would be nice..

Exchange server. Not exactly an option to reinstall it. Especially since it was actually a AD issue with exchange.

2:45????

Wtf it only took me half that for a woman with Alzheimer's that talked about her cat every ten minutes for 3 minutes straight, forgot her password about 12 times, and blamed me for not telling her the temp is in caps. (Plot twist: I did.)

Hi ho hi ho Let's dig a deeper hole! Hi ho hi ho Let's dig a deeper hole!

They wanted really high customer satisfaction surveys. Unfortunately, when a negative survey would come in complaining about how they couldn't understand my "thick Indian accent", they would make it stick to me because I was the last agent logged on the call.

Because the Indian guys wouldn't log their calls. So they wouldn't get the surveys.

By the time I quit, they gave up on this customer satisfaction thing, and were instead focusing on upselling. I would gladly offer to sell someone some RAM or something if I thought they needed it, but I wasn't doing that on every single call because not every single customer needs more RAM or whatever they wanted us to sell. So they were constantly "coaching" me on my abysmal sales numbers.

Methuselah's older brother.

Took a break from analysis to give you this.
Ode_to_the_hour_long_call

Took a break from analysis to give you this.

I would just reinstall Windows by that time.

just curious.. what did the floor managers do lol

I hate printers

FTFY

You need to be a magician to work on printers.

Ah right, thanks. I'm not familiar with much foreign slang.

I once had a 5 hour call with Dell regarding a printer that constantly printed half the page solid black. After about 10 minutes with the tech who's script I destroyed, I got someone in "the warehouse". Poor bastard had never even heard of the model printer I had (5210n), let alone troubleshot one. We spent the majority of the time on the phone both dissecting printers, with me swapping parts from a known good one I really fucking hate that term into my demon printer. After I'd replaced everything, it still did it. They shipped me a refurb nice replacement for my new printer that was DOA. I sent it back. Year and a half later, the demon printer makes a nice albeit expensive table.

TL;DR I hate tech support too.

I read this in GLaDOS's sing-song voice from the end of Portal 2. Very fun.

I just printed this and posted it on the wall behind the Helpdesk. Behold: Our new inspiration.

Well that blows.

I don't get it. Money?

A+++ would lol again

But the nice advertisement with the flashy colors said that there's gold if I keep digging! The internet's a magical future technology, and nobody lies in the future. You're just some stranger on the phone; I'll trust the internet advertisement.

Within my first week at my college's support center, I had a two-hour call. At the end, I had led my (very old) user through the (painstaking) process of fixing his computer successfully. I wasn't even mad.

Going to make this into a wallpaper.