My boyfriend told me "I need to check your temperature" and then stuck his penis in my butt. What are some strange things people have said before entering you?
It wasn't said before entering me, but I think it deserves a spot here anyway.
One of the first times we were together, my boyfriend was leaning over me and using his thigh/leg to rub against me. He got down to his knee, which he used to grind in wonderful circles against my clit. Then he stopped, knee still firmly pressed between my legs, looked me dead in the eyes, and in the most serious and heartfelt voice he could muster, said
"I kneed you."
Not me, but an expat friend of mine once told me that he fucked an Asian girl who yelled "strong husband, big banana" before he entered her.
The first time I ever had sex, my boyfriend held me close, laughed in my ear (not a sexy laugh, like a this is hilarious laugh) and then proceeded to take my virginity. At the time I was a little hurt and confused, but he later told me it was because it's what the main character in The Good Earth (his favorite book) does before he took his wife's virginity and he said he always wanted to do the same. For the record, we're still together.
The Office was on in the background, and we both stopped to quote the episode, then carried on.
Well I wasn't entered, but one girl saw the peen and said "It's so handsome I want to knit it a hat!". I was oddly turned on. Never did get the hat though.
When I have one night stands I usually yell "LET'S MAKE A BABY." It can get really hilarious, or really awkward rather quick.
Once upon a time I was sexing my ex, missionary, and she said something along the lines of 'turn me over.'
I said 'Do a barrel roll!'
She looks me in the eye and says 'press z or r twice.'
The sex that followed was...enthusiastic.
EDIT: Punctuation lest people think I once fucked a missionary, and accuracy, don't want to malign my ex by misquoting.
"I'm gonna wreck it!"
My boyfriend yelled out this gem one day because he was trying to be funny: Call me a faggot grandma.
I got revenge by telling him to "Lick my third nipple, auntie."
I have no regrets.
You know someone who had sex with a girl?
I had a friend who had sex with a girl. When she was riding him, she grabbed his face, yelled 'YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT, FAGGOT", and then slapped him.
He really didnt like it.
"Haha! Our genitals are touching!"
"Hey Holly. Yeah, it has been a while. Things are good. Sad to hear about your mom. So you once promised me a penis hat - any updates on how that's coming along?"
Slappin da bass?
Dude, you need to get that hat.
I was fingering my gf, as it's only fair to let her finish if I finish before her, and just as I knew she was about to cum, I screamed out 'STEVE BUSCEMI'.
She wasn't pleased that the image in her mind when she popped was of Steve Buscemi. I told her that he is a great actor, but she was still rather annoyed....
After finishing on my ex's stomach, I dipped my thumb into the pool that formed in her navel and then quickly pressed down on her forehead and exclaimed "Ahh, Simba"
Had an ex who moved slowly with sex; I was her first. Looks at me one day while stroking my cock and says "You know the best thing about having standards?" I start thinking that playtime was over again and I would once again have blue balls..I said "what" and she smiles and says, "knowing when to blow them" and proceeds to give her first blowjob...and swallowed!
After a prolonged sex session I was running a bit dry down below, then my ex put his finger in me and then said "hmm, you're a quart low"
Did you slap it?
Especially when doing anal as OP was saying.
I think my vagina just dried up forever
This actually happened to a dude I used to be friends with, back in 2009. Supposedly his girlfriend grabbed his erect penis during sexytime and said, "This is what this feels like," and then forced it up her own ass. It was his first time doing anal.
I play bass and an ex asked me to "play" her clit.
What the fuck is wrong with him?
He is amazing, marry him.
OT: using this ASAP
How did he not immediately cum?
'NO, GOD. NO, GOD, PLEASE NO. NO. NO. NO!'
Have you read that book? A good third of it is about how much he hates his wife and how ugly and stupid she is. Then he moves his mistress into the house. I think what he did was pretty insulting but you know him better.
Me and my boyfriend like to quote old Spongebob episodes for no reason at all. One day we were having sex high and he says "Can you feel it now, Mr. Krabs?" He didn't even realize he said it until I froze. It was difficult having sex the next few days without laughing about it.
Definitely spur-of-the-moment. He puns all the time.
Another angle NSFW
I have told my wife to "Prepare to receive the gift." prior to entering her, or when I am about to cum. Does that count?
Then again, she has told my friends "His Boomtube makes my Motherbox go ping ping." She is pretty cool like that.
Oh yeah, he sounds like a keeper.
Remember, if you plant seeds in mud they won't grow!
Oh man. That sounds like something I would do.
Originally read that as "I was sexing my ex-missionary...."
Either way, the story works. I'd be surprised if my partner said brb and then went under the covers and pissed in the bed.
I had read about this experience awhile back and decided to try it myself..So I'm having sex with a woman I was dating a few years ago and was living with multiple roommates in a large house. I was about to "Peak" and yelled out "MORTAL COMBAT!" And without missing a beat the rest of the house yells "FINISH HER"....It was truly beautiful...
"Ride me like a dirt bike baby"
He meant it to sound like an earnest and sexy "I need you..."
But given that his knee was at that moment shoved against my crotch, it became a really terrible (and wonderful) pun. He kneed me.
One of my friends once made a cape for her boyfriend's penis.
I was about to go down on a girl and she didn't realize. So I looked at her said. "I'll be right back" and then wet under the covers. Suffice to say she was a bit suprised haha.
Never tried anal, but in the eventuality that it happens... I hope I have enough forethought to yell "YARR, THAT'S ME ARSEHOLE!"
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
I once said "Blue wizard needs sex badly". She didn't get it, but my friends all laughed when I related the story later.
My girlfriend and I both quoted Lil B during sex. "First I park my car" "Then I fuck your bitch"
Ive said "Fus Ro Dah!" when I came
My sister did this to her boyfriend... and then decided to tell me about it for some reason. I hate that I know... but I'll never forget.
dat musician dexterity
pianist here and i can say the number of musical euphemisms is limitless.
Yeah, definitely, but 1) it's Sunday and 2) the thread is called "then stuck his penis in my butt" ?
That was really funny. Until I saw the recommended age.
Then it was hilarious.
This sort of looks like Shrek
I'd go with INSEMINATE next time, fits better syllablically.
'IMPREGNATE' (read in Dalek voice..)
It was because his wife was very plain, but upon getting her naked she apparently had a killer bod and it surprised him if I remember correctly.
You mean "grand"?
I have definitely heard this story before.
"Nerds are passionate."
Right before some of the best sex of my life. Still gets me going when I think about it.
"I waxed pretty recently, so I'm thinking like, some kind of toupee for my balls as well? Fuck they get cold in winter."
Can we get some details out of him on this? Did he come up with that on the spur of the moment, or was this entire sexual encounter pre-planned for the purposes of making that pun?
After changing positions I had some trouble getting it in for whatever reason. I fumbled around and couldn't quite figure it out when I looked up at her and said "I'm sorry for taking so long. I just want you to know, this is my first time." We both cracked up and started going at it again.
My boyfriend liked to joke that too
just a "baby grand"
"dude's got a huge dick for a 5 year old"
A modern classic.
I'm going to assume that you meant "went" under the covers, not wet...but the story would be a lot cooler if you didn't
Mppphmphh mmhphmhphhmmhghghhgh MMMGHGHGHMHHH!!!!.
I was doing the entering... But... she said "I'm amazed that you're 35 beers deep and can still get it up"... My reply: "me either"
Totally going to use this from now on.
I like to call it a helmet.
I actually had a girl tell me the same thing right before she went down on me, when I was laying in bed trying to sleep
I saw it here I think once before and always wanted to try it. Right as I came I yelled expelliarmus! And she replied back 10 points to hufflepuff. Instant boner loss
I actually stood up and cheered. Good on you mate!
I'm so glad you're my new cell mate.
That's one way to make sure s/he gets the fuck out of your place before morning.
During sex one time my boyfriend told me he likes sucking on my boobs because it reminds him of sucking on mangoes...
Dat feel ಥ_ಥ.
A penis naturally comes with a hat.
Anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.
Did he died?
Are you, by chance, a large pianist?
Was that a leprechaun?
That chick could not look more bored.
Also, TIL the Hulk is green everywhere except the wangdoodle. Who knew.
As long as she doesn't start kneeding him back...
I have someone RES tagged for this suggestion, the best advice I ever got from reddit was the position of "clitar hero" ..woman lays on top of man and one of his hands plays with her nether regions while the other plays with her tits.
Plot Twist: You were his daddy.
past tense = my story senses are tingling
"It's like having a mango in my mouth!"
Better in than out.
It's called wordplay. Most people who speak English know that "need" and "kneed" are both pronounced the same way, and since he was, literally, kneeing her... well, she connected the dots, obviously.
I still shout "Red Warrior needs food badly" when I'm hungry. Keep it up, Blue Wizard.
Oh god, I would be absolutely mortified.
I once came home to my roommate in his room with his girlfriend, obviously having the sess, and I banged on his door and yelled, "C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!". It was something we'd jokingly discussed doing to each other before, along with the Mortal Combat bit, and he later told me it definitely broke the combo. I felt a lil bad.