Me [16F] with my Mom: 32F. She decided she doesn't want to be a mom anymore. Sending me to live with my aunt. UPDATE 1
I just wanted to give an update. I forgot I had even posted on here with everything going on.
I ended up going to my auntie's. She came and packed up my whole room with me and drove me to her house. It was really hard, because my mom was already talking about selling the house and moving to some other city, so she could start her life.
I still have a lot of pain from what she did, but living with my Aunt and Uncle has been a great experience. Mr. B (my boss) got me a job at a Subway where my Aunt lives. I really like the people I work with.
I started dating someone at my new school and we have been together for 5 months. Dan (17m) is great and we are in the same grade (he just turned 17), so we had the whole year together. School is ending in a few weeks and we have plans to go to the beach with my Aunt and Uncle for a week.
I met some new friends and got involved with Volleyball and took part in drama. I also am Assistant Treasurer, because I was able to talk to the teacher in charge of the group and said I wanted experience. When she saw my transcripts, she said I could assist the girl who got the position. The girl (Joleen) is actually really cool and we became pretty good friends.
I still keep in touch with my friends from home, but I really feel like I have a great support system now. I haven't told anyone why I moved here just yet, minus my boyfriend, because its too embarrassing. And I don't like to talk about it.
I was doing really good and had decided I didn't really want to see my mom again. Because who abandons their own kid?
My mom came up last week and she has been waiting around to see me. I didn't know why until Saturday because my aunt finally told me, because my mom barged into the house and refused to leave. Auntie asked if I wanted to talk to "her" and I told her I would.
My mom said she was so sorry for the way she treated me, that she wanted to know if I would move back for my senior year. She said we could pack up anytime I wanted.
She then asked my aunt if she could stay in the guest room.
My aunt said the room was mine.
My mom said "Lucy doesn't mind sharing."
My mom tried really hard to get me to chat with her alone, but Auntie stayed with me. It came out that my Mom wanted me to come home because her boyfriend left her and she blew through her money.
Auntie told Mom she needed to leave and then told me that my mom had been calling her about the check my birth father sends her. I guess she contacted the lawyer, said I was in her custody, and my mom signed the papers my aunt asked her to. Mom didn't realize it meant the check was coming to Auntie, who said she put most of it into a savings account for me.
There were some things she needed money for and I am grateful she is paying for me and keeping me. It could have been so much worse.
I guess the checks were pretty big.
So I just told my mom not to contact me again. It hurt, a lot. The only reason she wanted me around was because of a check.
That said, I guess my aunt has my father's number. She said he wants to talk with me when I am ready. So there is that.
I am not sure what to do now? It just hurts.
tl;dr: Been really happy, until my mom came back to get me to live with her because of my check.
Courage, you're a strong lady. That really sucks, and it hurts to be treated the way you have been. But your Aunt certainly came through for you, and you are going to have a brilliant life ahead of you. Stay strong, and keep your head clear.
I don't know how you get along with your dad, but give him a call, maybe you can rekindle some sort of relationship? At any rate, I am proud of you for standing up to your mom, it had to have been tough. Stay who you are, and let this serve as a road map for how you don't want to be.
Your aunt is amazing. If you can, get or make her a nice card for Mother's Day!
You're doing good, and good for you for sticking to your guns. Since your aunt seems to have pretty good judgement, you could always ask her for advice on how to handle your father. It would be interesting to hear his side of the story.
That being said, it's completely up to you if you want to meet him now, or maybe later when you're older and more on your own.
It sounds like you're in a great place with your new school--have a great summer, and a great senior year!
I don't know how you get along with your dad, but give him a call, maybe you can rekindle some sort of relationship?
Well she hasn't seen him in 9 years and right now the person who is supposed to be a pillar of support in her life, is promptly breaking her heart. So I hope OP will tread lightly with this one, or at least wait a bit until she has time to calm down from what just happened.
She should protect herself first and foremost, and contact an absentee dad at this point is almost guaranteed to be overwhelming.
Is there a chance your mom has been preventing your dad from contacting you?
I'm taking her out to dinner, my treat. I have been saving for a few months now.
Let's not unduly raise OP's hopes here - her parents could very well have been a pair of lunatics.
OP, just keep an open mind about it all.
You may not know why he is absentee. Mom could have hidden letters and prevented communication. Tread carefully, but as someone who didn't know of their father until after his death, don't wait too long.
While that's not bad advice, the fact that he's suddenly in the picture again once OP's mom was out of the picture leads me to believe that mom had something to do with his absence.
Yeah, tread lightly and all, but if it were me I'd be curious and at the very least talk to him.
I can only imagine how much this gesture is going to touch her. It will be her first mother's day, probably something she never imagined she would get. What a great thing to do to thank her. You're really lucky to have such an awesome aunt!
Yes definitely get something for your aunt for Mothers Day!
She may not be your mother but she's acting like a damn better one than your real mum!
Your father has continued to send you checks. A lot of men don't go that far. Whatever else, he respects his duty to you. Perhaps consider following up on that, once you are in a healthy place mentally.
Otherwise, you've done very well and I wish you nothing but the best.
You may not know why he is absentee.
And neither do you, which is the point. There is a very plausible chance that contacting her father can add even more heartache to this, and she's probably in a very fragile state already.
Real MVP is your aunt, damn.
Putting all that money in a savings/college fund. She knows what's up.
Just to reiterate, her leaving you says absolutely nothing about your character and tells you everything you need to know about hers. She obviously has some sort of mental/financial issues, but none of which are your problem anymore. Your aunt is the parent you both need and want. When and if you're ready, you can try to see if your dad is worth bringing into your life.
You're being really strong and awesome; don't let anything your mom says or does throw you off the wonderful path before you.
I second this. My crazy ass bitch of a mother kept me from ever speaking to my father out of spite, but... he is also crazy and not a parent figure at all. Assholes attract assholes, usually.
Yeah, she is amazing. I adore her. I am taking her out to dinner Sunday. I am really excited I saved enough to take her to a nice place. So that will be fun. _^
You are truly an amazing young woman. You've been through such a difficult time, and yet you've made the most of it. There are people twice your age with many more advantages who don't do half as well as you have thus far in your young life. Be proud of yourself!
With regards to your dad... is it possible your mother was actually keeping you from seeing him? That she lied about things, perhaps to both of you? It might be interesting to compare notes with him to find out where the truth actually lies...
It sounds like your auntie is your staunchest ally. Perhaps ask her if she thinks it's possible your mother stopped your father from seeing you... she may have some ideas and been waiting for you to ask.
In any event, you should only see your father when YOU feel ready to do so. Perhaps you could ask your aunt to call him and see if you could have his email address. That way you could chat via email, at a pace you are comfortable with, taking the time to digest his emails and formulate your response.
As for your mother... well... something inside of her is clearly broken. That's not your fault and is no reflection on you. You just keep taking care of yourself and letting your auntie take care of you. Your mother can sort her own crap out, or not, as she sees fit... but there's no reason YOU have to be exposed to her unless you want to be.
You have a fantastic future ahead of you, and it will be of your own creation. That's priceless.
Your father has continued to send you checks. A lot of men don't go that far.
Aren't they legally obligated to in the form of child support?
It doesn't mean that they all do. Some mothers give up or don't bother because of the stress, time, and money with dealing with a deadbeat parent could be focused towards the child.
If you feel that your mother is only interested in seeing you for money then you need to protect yourself. She might try to use your identity to open up credit cards or use your goverment information to collect benefits in your name. (In the U.S. Social Security fraud happens all the time.) Speak with your aunt and uncle about this and you should all find imformation on how to protect your identity in this situation. This is a very real possibly.
Edit: as /u/shitjoesays has pointed out, if your mother does something like this to you it can effect you for the rest of your life.
A real parent is someone who puts their child above their own selfish wants and needs.
You can be grateful to your birth mother for bringing you into this world and helping you make it to 16, but make no doubt about it... your aunt and uncle are your true parents.
Let them know how much their love and support means to you.
Some of the hardest and most liberating realisations most of us come to are that 1) our parents are human beings who make mistakes and bad choices; who fuck up sometimes or are just shitty people; 2) you do not owe somebody something just because you share DNA and 3) family is not always related to you by blood. You learned the first one earlier and harder than most, but when you truly feel the second one you can embrace the third to make your own place in life with the people who nurture you instead of burdening you.
This is supposed to hurt, because it matters. But it doesn't define you, and it needn't hold you back. Acknowledge and appreciate the people in your life who care for and look after you. Decide now to become a better human being than your mother is, both because of and in spite of her.
I thought this as well, although it could be as simple as 'mom is an insufferable bitch and he would rather not see his kid than see her for one second.' Which wouldn't make OP feel too good that she wasn't important enough to deal with her mom.
But yeah it also could be "mom was making threats to abuse the law in order to keep him out of OP's life."
Or any number of other possibilities. What matters is she's hurt, she will recover, and when she's ready I'm sure she will reach out to her dad, with her feelings properly shielded. We all want a positive ending there, and hopefully she finds one, but it's more important still that she be sure she is okay no matter how it goes.
Yeah... I am not sure how my Auntie and Mom came from the same family.
My fathered owed almost 20.000 in child support and bullied my mother into forgiving the debt
He's become a better person and although I haven't forgiven him for that he has proven he is a better man now
My point is - legally obligated doesn't mean they always pay
Yeah he's probably more decent than her mother ;/ She sounds like a total lunatic and wouldn't be surprised if she was doing this.
Maybe the aunt knows? She could start by asking the aunt for any info on the situation.
Your aunt came through big for you, and I admire what she's done so far (from what I've heard). It's EXTREMELY tough to be going through what you've been going through, especially at your age and at such an important stage in your life, but to be honest, given what you've told us about your mom and dad, what your aunt has done for you is going to set you up for a life that is INFINITELY better than the one you would have had if you were to stay with your mom.
Keep your head up and keep kicking ass!
Quite possibly, the aunt does appear to be at least reasonably sane, unlike the mother.
Exactly. All the people telling OP to try contacting her father because he might be decent are giving her false hope. OP is already pretty lucky her Aunt has a good head on her shoulders and did all this the right way. No need to get swept up in the idea of a fairytale ending.
I'm a father of a 16-years old, and I want you to know I am incredibly proud of you for this.
You are a strong, kind person, and I'm sure life will be wonderful, as these qualities show. People will appreciate you for your value.
You're unlucky to have such a shitty mom, but you're really lucky to have such an awesome aunt.
Let's get real guys, if dad wanted to see her over the last 9 years he could have gone to court and gotten visitation. Maybe mom was a pain in the ass and tried to keep him away but if he had really wanted contact he would have gotten it.
And I don't want anyone to pull this "courts are so unfair to dads" bullshit. I'm a lawyer and there is no way dad would be denied visitation, and probably joint custody, unless he has some serious issues that would make it dangerous or unhealthy for his child to see him. Courts do not deny access to your children without a damn good reason.
The idea brought tears into my eyes. Would be very lovely and I can imagine her happy grin.
Yes congratulations on him for doing the bare minimum!
She should def tread lightly but I also wonder if the mother had something to do with why the father isn't around. She is extremely self centered and manipulative.
Auntie deserves the biggest hug ever.
I see it's already been mentioned but I want to really stress heading over to /sub/raisedbynarcissists. My birth giver dumped me at 2 years old because she also didn't want to be a mother anymore (she said it was too hard after my dad and sister died). She left me in a home where she knew I'd be abused, and never looked back.
That kind of thing screws with you a bit. The subreddit I mentioned has helped me to realize that 1. I'm not alone and 2. I am not worthless. I wasn't abandoned because there's something wrong with me, but I was abandoned because there's something very wrong with her.
The same is true for you. You're working hard in school, making good grades, worrying about college, working a part time job...you're basically the dream-teen. Like, I hope my kids have it as together as you do when they're your age. I'm sorry your mother doesn't recognize that, but don't stop recognizing it in yourself, not even for a moment. You are amazing.
Also, it's up to you since you have so much going on in your life, but if I were you, I'd hear what your dad has to say. It's possible he's stayed away because of something your mother said/did (like maybe threatened him or something). I'm not saying get your hopes up, I'm just saying, you now know what kind of person your mother is, it may be worthwhile to know if she painted an accurate portrait of your father. You don't have to commit to anything but a conversation and then take it from there (if you want...you're also within your rights to not even have a conversation!)
Regardless, it seems you are very smart and very strong, and with or without your parents, you have your aunt and your own strengths, and I imagine your future is very bright indeed. Best of luck.
The guy is still sending money regularly, so at least he has that going for him -- not like some dead beat father who wouldn't even bother.
Plus, the aunt keeps in touch with him, so maybe the aunt knows better.
Ultimately, it's up to OP to decide if she wants to establish contact with her father.
Yea I mean 9 years with no contact? I don't care who's trying to stop me I will take anyone to court that's trying to prevent me from seeing my daughter.
Mother's Day is this Sunday (May 10th). Get your aunt something nice.
And think about talking to your dad. I'm in agreement with the others that think your mother has more to do with his lack of contact than he does.
No. I always ate the pineapple and cake batter before putting it into the oven.
Whatever the reason was that he chose not to pursue visitation or custody, it was still his choice. Let's not assume he's going to be some parental savior. Contacting someone who thought it wasn't worth it to be in touch with his child could very well just mean more disappointment for OP.
Many, many hugs to you.
I know it hurts a lot, but sometimes the people who are our biological parents are just not fit for purpose. Thankfully you have your aunt to love and support you. ..and possibly your father, who may have been kept away from you on purpose by your mother.
Check out /sub/raisedbynarcissists - your mother sounds like one.
I actually went through something really similar, only it was my grandmother that took me in instead of my aunt. Speaking from personal experience, I really, really, highly suggest you do not have contact with your mother. At any point.
She may show up at a family gathering and cry about wanting to talk to you, or show up drunk in your life somewhere own the line. Ignore her like she has plague fleas that can jump miles in one bound.
Also... at some point you may want to talk to someone about what happened and how it makes you feel. I highly suggest a professional. You don't want to become so blocked up with feelings that you can't really hold it in.
Good Luck! You are already on the way to a better life.
I intend to stay with my aunt. My mom can go suck an egg.
I have a job that I use for 'fun' stuff, so most of the money from the child support goes into savings. My aunt uses a small amount of money for my insurance and food. They don't make a ton, so I don't mind them taking what they need.
I am not going to become a teen mom. I am on BC and we haven't have sex yet. When we do, and if I become pregnant before I finish college, I live in a state where Planned Parenthood is pretty common.
I crawled into the oven and had it cook in my belly.
I don't want to see my mother ever again. She reall hurt me.
I have been saving money from my checks to take her out to her fave place.
This thread is making me cry.
He's also said to her aunt he would like to talk with her. Who knows the reasons he's been away? Only him and the OP's mother, who as we have seen is a pillar of caring mothers.
This. I can't really go into details about it, but suffice it to say someone did this to someone I'm very close to and it has really messed up their life.
Every other weekend is a hell of a lot more than OP's father got which was literally nothing. Look I get it, your family has had a shitty experience in court and you've probably read a lot of men on reddit talk about how unfair family courts are but I deal with this shot every day. A parent who wants visitation and custody is going to get it unless they are a danger to the child.
Also you seem unclear about the distinction between legal custody and primary custody. Most cases the parents get joint legal custody (so both get to make decisions about the child) and one parent gets primary physical custody. This is often the mother (for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with courts hating men) but even then the fathers usually get as much visitation as they ask for. Unfortunately many don't ask for much. Sounds like OPs dad didn't ask for any.
I'd buy her a castle if I could.
You do not NEED a lawyer. Most family cases are pro se. Whatever your personal experience is it is not at all common for a parent of either gender to be denied custody or visitation without an extreme situation.
Doesn't mean they do, though.
You're kinda confusing the issue here. Crazy_dance was saying that it is rare for someone to completely be denied even VISITATION unless it was warranted for some reason. You mention a father with every other weekend, that's still joint custody. It's not EQUAL custody, but no one brought that up except you.
The point being, if the OP's father had wanted to at some point even SEE his daughter. He could have, barring some extreme circumstances.
I know you don't know me and this means nothing, but I'm proud of you and expect great things out of you in life. Your mom can pound sand.
Only if I get to be Mulan.
That's not a very committal statement. As someone else said crazy usually attract...crazy and these comments are hyping up her dad for very little reason.
Have you ever made pineapple upside down cake right side up?
I could see why this was suggested: Her mom's behavior could indicate something of what happened in the original divorce and it has been in the past quite common (becoming less so) since judges have tended to favor the mother in divorce cases, even when the mother is clearly a really terrible person.
So, reading between lines, prognosticating, and inferring all over the place, one can see a scenario where a good dad was completely cut out of his daughter's life by a bitch mom. And I don't think anyone's in doubt about the "bitch mom" part.
A careful attempt, with some guidance from auntie and uncle, could have a very happy ending. Or a "meh" ending, but hey, you never know.
What does that hypothetical situation have to do with your comment? You act like paying child support is amazing when you are SUPPOSED to. Just cause a lot of parents are deadbeats doesn't mean doing the normal thing is something to be praised at.
I am not sure I want to have kids yet, or ever. This has kind of made me see that maybe kids aren't the only way to live your life.
If I choose to have kids, I will be past my 20s and well established.
You have every right to build your own family. The people that stick around are the ones that matter. You are going to be just fine and you don't owe your mother a thing.
The person I mentioned is well on their way to 30 years old and is still dealing with the fallout.
I'm getting lots of the same vibes that we get off of Narcissists here--the mother got rid of her when she was inconvenient, wanted her back on a whim because she wasn't getting "free money" anymore(because that's what OP's mom sees her as).
I'd say....mom probably kept her father from her, not to protect her, but to control her. If there was a reasonably sane, kind parent that OP's mom had to share custody with...well that wouldn't do, that wouldn't do at all!
I'm willing to be He excused himself to avoid having terrible bad drama stirred up about what he does or who he is, so he could at least support OP from afar. I've met mothers like this before--it's all about control. I'm so happy OP got out and is with her aunt and uncle now--two people who clearly care about her future and want her to be happy.
It's possible, but it's also possible that the mother had some issues (which she has already shown that she does) and when the father left, she made it as difficult as she could for him to contact his child. The lady obviously isn't stable and no one is saying OP should immediately open her arms and heart to this man. She is old enough to start a tentative relationship if she wishes or to tell him to stay away, whereas a small child is kind of stuck with whatever the adults decide. After what she's been through, I'm doubting her first move is going to be to make a man she hasn't seen for 9 years her emotional support system. But he has made it known that he'd like to talk to her where the mother abandoned her and then tried to use her for financial gain. She can find out what his intentions are and decode to go from there but I don't see where closing her remaining parent out without even talking with him gains her anything.
My uncle's older brother slept with his wife and got her pregnant. You're not alone in having a fucked up family. Hope this makes you feel a little bit better.
We do not know enough. Dad could have decided the eventual trauma or fighting could have been too much. Many people realize that the fight may be worse than going away. I personally know a few people that have been alienated or presented from seeing their kids without a court order.
But she should definitely talk to her dad. I think this is a must.
If you are a lawyer you should know that you don't just show up at court and ask for visitation. You have to hire lawyers and have tens of thousands of dollars saved to actually fight a parent who is contesting your case. If you are unaware of fathers having to fight in court to see their kids or get equal custody then I have no idea what kind of law you practice but it isn't family. I should introduce you to my older brother who the courts treated very unfairly - it would completely broaden your worldview to realize that family courts don't always treat men equally.
What's wrong with your uncle's older brother sleeping with his wife? I'd want to sleep with my wife too!