LPT: Never ask people when/if they are going to have kids or why they don't have kids yet.
I'm 37 years old. I wanted kids very much when I was younger. I got married young to a guy I barely knew and started trying right away. Turns out I have PCOS. Not impossible but very difficult. I tried for many, many years with no success.
People just couldn't understand why I would be so upset when they asked when we were having kids. Most of the time I would give a shrug and say, "If it happens, it happens." But I really wanted to say, "Probably never. Now shut the fuck up."
LPT: Mind your own fucking business.
yeah, makes sense to me.
I also have PCOS and in my early 30s. It used to make me so upset. Now, my replies depends on the person asking and the way they ask. My reply to this rude neighbour (she is in her 20) was: "I'll have kids when I get tired of travelling anytime I want, going out to eat every night, walking around naked in my house all day long and fucking my husband whenever, wherever." She never asked again. Edit: Spelling
My husband has two sisters. The older one has a 9 month old. The other has PCOS and has been trying for 2 years to get pregnant. I myself have thyroid disease, which SIL with the kid knows about. She constantly ask us both, "I had my baby, when are you having yours?" I've told her that I can't have children, and she still ask. But what really pissed me off this weekend was my SIL with PCOS told us that she is pregnant but might lose the pregnancy because she is not developing properly. She's crying and really upset. Her sister said, "don't be upset, you can always try again!" WHAT THE FUCK!?
I'm 36 years old now and was trying for ten years to have a baby. After ten miscarriages we finally gave up, only to get pregnant and carry to term. My daughter is 6 months old and she's lovely. I had to battle off constant comments and questions about mine and my partner's childlessness. I found that the best response was always, 'You know you shouldn't say things like that to childless couples? You have no idea what they might be going though'. This always worked without giving anything away and made them think before asking anyone else.
Your husband has one sister and one cold blooded heartless bitch-spawn who grew up in the house with them.
Almost forgot, here is the one you get when you adopt sometimes (not a lot). "When are you going to have one of your own" Like your grown child is not your own. That one is rude as hell and I get pretty nasty when people ask either one of us that. People have asked us that at least a half dozen times.
Hello I'm infertile and I'm told "you can adopt" all the time. Mourning the loss of being infertile is one thing. Adoption is not a consolation, back up option; it's a separate decision that should be done wholeheartedly, even if you could have bio kids. Saying you can adopt stings every time. Thanks for listening to me rant. :-)
Honestly, it gets awkward way too fast. Do I explain that I have a genetic defect and I don't want to pass that on? Do I explain that my parents were semi-psycho and I don't want to pass that on? Do I explain I lost my fertility to a tumor a few years back?
It's a lot easier to be a bit rude and say it's none of their business.
I'm 24, have lost every pregnancy I've had and likely won't ever carry to term.
People constantly ask. They don't understand the why it makes me cry and when I mention my children they act like it's awkward for them...even when they brought it up to begin with.
I don't have kids, I don't want kids, I don't even like kids. But that question offended even me. Unbelievable :'(
I like to make it awkward for them and I would say "yeah... we've tried a lot! No luck!" Usually they get super quiet and don't ask follow ups while realizing they are an ass...
Edit: punctuation. It was the middle of the night pregnancy insomnia that made me not type well. So, yeah, I eventually got knocked up.... but it did take a while.
I just tell them the UN said I was not allowed to breed.
Please look into mthfr gene mutation - http://wellnessmama.com/27148/mthfr-mutation/
A very close friend of mine had this and found out after multiple losses. You can be tested for it and it can be managed in early stages of pregnancy to assist in carrying to term. Big hugs.
I am very sorry to hear of your condition. My wife also has this and we ended up adopting but it was a lucky situation. What you really want to say I bet is what we always wanted to say: "Because retards like you can pop out a kid a second so there is no room for anymore!" It's pretty depressing when you are young and trying so hard and everyone else has them whenever they want and people can have 8 living on welfare. All you want is the single kid.. just one and you would be happy. It's depressing.
Fwiw, I talk to Uber drivers as a matter of course. Partly because I want to counter the tenancy of people to treat them as invisible servants, and partly because sometimes they have very interesting things to say. I've only ever had male drivers, and "are you a family man, Mahmoud?" is a great icebreaker. If they say yes, then for sure they are happy to talk for hours about it, during the course of which you find out a lot about their philosophy and culture. If they say no, then you can talk about all the things a person can do without the encumbrances of a young family, during the course of which you find out a lot about their philosophy and culture...
Obviously you wouldn't respond to a "no" with "why not" as that would be projecting your own mindset in a way that interferes with conversation.
Yeah I don't get it, at a certain point someone without kids either can't or doesn't want to. Neither are particularly comfortable 'small talk' conversations.
Yeah, when people say "you can always adopt" I think "why don't I strap on my adopt helmet and squeeze down into an adoption cannon and fire off into adoption land where adoptions grow on adoptees!"
Infertility is heartbreaking. You're talking to people who may have had 5 or more miscarriages, who may have already spent tens of thousands of dollars on painful medical procedures with no result, and knowing that even if it succeeds and you want another child you'll have to go through it all over again. You grieve that you'll never see a child with your husband's eyes or your freckles, a kid that combines the features of you and the person you love.
So you pick yourself up from the years of drained emotions, drained bank accounts, doctor appts, and watching your friends have babies and you make a phone call. The adoption process can take years before you get a child. It involves tons of paperwork, continued drains of money (especially if done privately), and extremely invasive interviews during the homestudy. They will look in all your medicine cabinets. Strangers will ask you, your friends and your family in detail about your miscarriages, your porn habits, your past arrests, your debts, your arguments with your spouse, your drug history, and your sex life. If you lie or glaze over the truth, or answer in some way the agent doesn't like, you fail the homestudy. Adoption over. You bake cookies and hope that you look like a normal family. You keep your house pristine because the agent might stop over anytime for an inspection - and you know she reserves the right to do that for months after you get the child, as well. You take many hours of required parenting classes. You learn about attachment disorders and how to deal with children who wake up screaming every two hours because they have flashbacks (very common). You turn down photos of child after child because even though they're adorable and your heart breaks for them, you can't give them the extensive care they need. Your cousin gets pregnant and laments that this is her third accidental one. You bite your tongue and smile. You're eight years into your journey towards having children and people still ask you why you don't have any. "You'd be such good parents!"
Especially for foster care-to-adoption, bio-parents can -and do - take back the child. In fact, that is the rightful goal of foster care. It also happens with private adoptions - bio-moms change their minds, up to and after the baby is born and the adoptive parents have bought everything. Most of my friends in the process of adopting have gone through this special kind of heartbreak several times.
Then, after wanting a child THAT BADLY, and going through the mess of adopting, and finally getting a child, 10-25% of adoptions of kids over age 3 get "disrupted". It means, indelicately, giving the child back so that they can get state-provided care for severe issues. Adopted kids (especially older ones out of abusive situations) can have emotional problems, mental illness, or physical problems that were just not disclosed during the process that end up being too much for the adoptive parents to handle. Think kids who kill your pet, sexually abuse their siblings or neighborhood kids, or need 24-7 care not to harm themselves or you. I'm not saying adopted kids are bad. It's just that if they're from the foster system or international adoption, by definition they've been pulled from a lifetime of shitty situations and zero control, possibly with damage starting from even before they are born, and that can leave significant, long-lasting scars and understandable difficulty or even impossibility attaching to a family. It would take some pretty dedicated, patient, savvy parents to deal with, and it doesn't always work. Functional kids might just need runs around to therapy and doctors every week and special plans at school, and most adoptive parents are willing to deal with that. For older kids, I've heard from adoptive parents that the goal is not like a parent-child relationship and more like a mentoring relationship. Disruption is not done lightly. It obviously involves intense pain and guilt for all involved.
Don't get me wrong. Adopting can be a blessing and I know wonderful families that have come together this way. But it is not all peachy roses, and it is certainly not as easy as "Just adopt - a lot of kids need parents," like Reddit loves to spout.
But yeah. Adopt! Why didn't I think of that!
I've started messing with people who do this to me. My favorite is when people tell me "accidents happen." My go to response is "so do abortions." It usually saves me from having to hear about their little maggots too.
It's the "yet" that's makes it a bad question.
Why haven't you had kids yet? Why aren't you settled down/married yet? Why haven't you finished college yet?
Those are different questions than: Have you thought about if you wanted kids? Have you met anyone special lately? How is college going?
"Yet" implies you should have already done this thing.
You know, I made the mistake of asking a cousin of mine when he was planning on having kids. I'm not all that close with him but this happened immediately following seeing everyone enjoying the presence of another of our cousin's toddler son. His response, although it made me feel like shit for asking and being THAT guy, was that he and his wife were actually trying and weren't able to. This led to him completely opening up to me and telling me about his hardships and after something like that, I actually respect him a lot more and I believe will strengthen our friendship. So it might be a terrible thing to ask this question but some of us actually care about the people we ask and are there to lend an ear, and possibly some advice or direction to something they may not know about.
Now prepare for the 'so when are you giving her a little brother or sister?' questions.
As someone who is infertile, thank you. I honestly have no problem sharing that information with people but as a very maternal person it makes me quite sad that I'll never have my own biological children. So I don't like having to talk about it or think about it when I can avoid it. Besides, it's no one's business but mine and anyone I date anyways. Thankfully I'm young enough that the comments are usually more of a long term future type thing instead of impatience or disappointment.
What the fuck? Sounds like they may not be stable people. "Give us grandchildren or we'll burn all of your childhood mementos!"
You could be even more indirect simply by asking about their future life plans in general. If you ask about their career, their home or travel plans, usually if kids are on their agenda, they'll bring it up themselves. If not, probably best to avoid the topic.
You said exactly what I wanted to say recently in another thread. It's as if people think adoption is this secret nobody's heard of, that is supposed to cure the disappointment and shame infertile people feel. Not only am I aware of it, but I've thought a lot about it. It doesn't fix how I feel, imagine that!
You're exactly right. My daughter wasn't even a year old before people started asking when we were having another.
I'm not opposed to the idea but just fuck off and stop asking about it, ya know?
Thank you, I'm glad that you got to adopt! There have been some rough patches on the road to acceptance for me. Three moments in particular come to mind:
About a year ago I decided that, since there was no chance of conceiving naturally, there wasn't any reason to keep having my (admittedly awful) cycles so I had a hysterectomy. Guess where the put you when you have that done? Yeah, in the maternity ward.
Went in for kidney stones a few months back (Yay for all the pain of labor with no baby to show for it!). But the ICU was too full, so again I got to spend a week in the maternity ward.
My niece was born on the 4th of July. Although I was (and am!) incredibly happy for my brother and SIL, it was difficult for me because my SIL had been going through a lot of the same issues I did. I was jealous, plain and simple.
But for the most part I'm enjoying the care free life of a childless bachelorette!
I'm all for messing with people. 11 years with my partner - no kids (not our choice), not married (our choice). I dodge the kids question as best I can cos it hurts inside. But my new response to "why aren't you two married, you've been together forever?" is "I've heard married people don't have sex..."
I don't have any stories like this, but when we were at the beach recently, my future sister-in-law (who just had a kid last year) loudly asked the Fiance and I, in front of her whole family, when we were going to get pregnant.
I told them that it they wanted more babies, maybe they should let us have dat master suite at the beach instead of taking it for themselves the last two years. I mean, let's be honest - they have a newborn. It's not like they are making use of the heart shaped hot tub with the built in wine chiller, or the integrated massage table.
Unsurprisingly, they did not think this was as clever as I did.
My wife's parents ask us this all the time. Sometimes when we have good news, my wife will call them up and say "Guess what!" and they go all excited and say "YOU'RE FINALLY PREGNANT!" which sort of takes the thunder out of whatever the real announcement is. Recently, they decided to throw away a lot of old stuff and her dad sent an email with a bunch of her childhood toys burning in a trash pile. The message was something like 'Since you remain childless we didn't think you'd mind if we did this."
I agree. I loathed her before, but now I just want nothing to do with her. It broke my heart seeing her like that.
For some reason I find it even harder to say to close family and parents.
Like, how do I even tell my parents that I'm not sure I want to reproduce because things like depression, heart failure and cancer run in the family and don't want to take the chance and bring it on to my own children.
It is one of the most personal things you can every ask someone. Also, it's very strange, as you're essentially asking "when are you both going to start having unprotected sex?" or "when are you going to start ejaculating into your wife?"
LPT: don't have kids.
All those people with kids asking about when you're going to pop out a little food stealer aren't asking because they want you to bask in the joy of parenthood. They're asking because they want to know when they can expect you to be as miserable as them.
It's a stupid question. The answers to "Has your dad ever played catch with you?" are "Yes" or "No". The answers to the question, "Why don't you have kids?" are "I can't" or "I don't want to". It's a lot more personal as well. Why would you even ask? The point of this post is to establish that it's NOT an innocent question.
I used to always answer, "It's not for lack of effort!" And it would make them pause while they thought it out, then laugh. But I just found out this month that there's a good possibility I might be infertile, and suddenly it's not so funny anymore.
Former teacher here. Hope this doesn't sound weird or offensive.
I often think children resemble their adoptive parents. It's not necessarily in the physical characteristics, but facial expressions, inflection, the way their eyes look at their world, all will often resemble their parents because they've learned so much from each other. I love it, but as someone who has an awkward social presence it can be hard to explain after I've blurted out "he looks so much like his dad!"
That's something else I've heard a lot in my lifetime.
Yes, I have thought about adopting, and I would have loved that child with every ounce of my being, but there were other factors to consider. Things that I'm not about to post here.
Suffice it to say that I've come to terms with not having children and I'm OK with that.
Agreed. I'm a 29 yr single male and people need to literally fuck-off about people's personal life. Why should I care about whether people had plans, didn't have plans, or not going to have plans about their family life? There's more than enough people at my workplace that ask this question and then a split second later, bitch about how their kids are failing them or how they don't have the finances to support their family.
I don't 'get all pissy'. You can tell someone to mind their own business without breathing fire at them.
But it's still a terribly intrusive set of questions to ask. It's judgmental.
Try replacing 'having kids' with 'going to college': "When are you going to college? Are you going go to college? Why haven't you gone to college yet?" It assumes that going to college is the right and natural state, and that everyone should go to college, it's just something one does, and there's something wrong with you if you haven't gone or don't want to. It's a built in guilt-trip, you see?
I disagree. Hopefully this thread will open up the eyes of others because it is absolutely ridiculous the amount of people who think it is ok to keep asking this question over and over again and how inappropriate it is. You'd be surprised how many people think its ok, even though we know how obviously rude it is.
LPT: Never ask people how they're going to have kids
I wanted to choke her. It was like she was taunting both of us, bouncing my niece on her knee. Like, "haha look what I have and you dont!" She even said it with a smile on her face. Ugh.
Call me insane, but i think it's fine to ask and talk about this subject.
I get asked about it often, being 27 and my 28 year old sister having two kids by now.
Obviously one should apply good manners. Not push if it seems like an unwelcome question and so on. But is it really appropriate to say like this, that the topic should be completely off limits!? I don't think it is.
It's just not your business, even if you're friends/family with the person.
Families have talked about this for ages - why is it suddenly so important that this is no one elses business? Of course there are many reasons - just like there are many reasons i'm not done with my education by 27 and might not like to talk about that, people can ask, i just might not divulge everything depending on who asks.
The point is that my peculiar feelings on my situation doesn't make the subject taboo in general, just because i personally have hang-ups there. People can ask, and i can wave them off if i want to. Not a big problem. If people are pushy and annoying, you stop talking to those people. Easy!
you do not need to go there unless you have been invited in on that conversation.
Again, we can say this, and then induct the next 500 areas of life into the category, and in the end family/friends are only allowed to ask about your feelings about the weather? Come on. Why not sharpen our social skills and learn to use humor, manners, clever rhetorics, and confidence to let each other know what we wish to talk about?
I'm not even married and I get the same question. It's so invasive and yet people think it's totally ok to bring it up. I never give a straight answer because they honestly don't deserve it
"Because I'm a nuclear man, baby, and that would be proliferation!"
My fiance (38) and I (32) get this all the time and it pisses me off to no end. We just don't want kids, end of story! But everyone: family, friends, co-workers, perfect strangers even, think it's okay to pry and where and extend the conversation into debate. I switched banks because the teller I kept getting would pick up the discussion where it left off every time she saw me. In front of everyone ay the bank! "You really must have kids. It's a love like no other. What do you mean you don't like children? What kind of person doesn't like children? Just wait, you'll see." I got so frustrated with her finally that I just started crying and walked out. My fiance's father talks to me about his future grandkids with no regard to the fact that we've told him a million times there won't be any. My co-workers smile sadly and shake their heads as if I'm a crazy person but I'll come to my senses eventually. They're all pushers! Like Christians and drug addicts, parents feel this need to get you hooked on their mistake existence so they can feel justified in their own poor choices or something. I am so sick of it and so offended. Shut the fuck up, everyone! It's none of your business and like others have said in this thread, you can't know what a couple is going through. What if he and I DID want kids but couldn't have them? Although I've tried this tack, too and it doesn't make me feel any better. We just moved to a new neighborhood and the lay next door came over to introduce herself and her two noisy little brats. "You don't have kids?" she asked, patting the little monsters on top of their heads, "Oh that's a shame. We were hoping for kids, weren't we guys?" I looked right at her and said, "Yeah, so were we." That shut her up for a moment. But the next time we saw her, she started telling us about this great fertility clinic... Aaaaggghhhh! I wanted to strangle her.
There is no "just" adopt. In the U.S. private adoptions are lengthy legal roads that cost $10,000, minimum.
Tell them your husband lost his dick in the war. I told my wifes friends that a few times when they asked about it as well as any other number of jokes. Once people learn you can't have kids they would give an arm or leg to take back the question so it's nice to be the icebreaker after that.
Same thing with me! Fuck people. Now I just tell people that my cats/dogs are my kids. Breaks my heart every time.
I have, but most people don't know what PCOS is. And really I don't want to get into a medical discussion with someone I haven't seen since highschool in the middle of the grocery store while her own 3 kids vie for her attention.
As I responded to the original comment, it's not a rant.
It's something that women, even as young as their 20s like myself, will never have a chance to do. Asking such a personal question as, "when are you going to have kids", brings up a whole range of emotions for those facing infertility.
It's called exercising a little compassion by not prying into the reproductive qualities of a total stranger or even a family member.