LPT: if a friends stopped hanging out or coming to events and has mentioned money issues,, please don't pester them.
It's likely they'd love to hang out and do fun stuff, but they're saying no or they can't afford it for a reason - continuing to bug them about something out of their control makes them feel worse.
Edit: why do all my popular posts have typos in them?
Or invite them to dinner at your place!
Yeah, this. When my friends are poor I'll pick them up and fund their day out. And they do the same for me. In fact, I'm the poor friend today. So I'm being taken out for lunch.
This has been a good system for my friends and I, nobody gets left out and the fun continues. We also collectively upgrade each other's computers so we can all keep playing the same games.
That's a great sounding group.
There's a medium ground here between making them feel like abandoned left-out crap because they don't have money, and bugging them continually to come anyway even though they've shared that they can't afford it.
I'd end any such interaction with "Well, if things change we'd love to have you along, so let me know if that happens" if there's any option to add them later, and come up with some other less expensive occasion to spend time with them if that can't happen. If they can't do X (a trip), maybe they can do Y (a picnic sometime before or after the trip).
Three corollary tips here.
Avoid missing out on stuff that you can afford but your friend can't, as that's a great way to start resenting them due to your own missed experiences.
Think REALLY hard about offering to pay for them as an option, particularly if you believe they should pay you back at some point either with money or by doing something else for you, because you may never see it.
Keep in mind that it might not be money at all. They may just not want to spend that time doing that thing with you, either because the friendship's not what you think it is or they just don't want to do that activity... and they're just using money as an excuse.
We have poker curry nights(usually 6 of us), it sounds bad but we all chip in 25 dollars and it pays for the food, beer and about 4/5 rounds of poker. When you play with chips you get a load and feel rich but you're not losing much plus we've all got good at making curry!
Worth noting that doing stuff with your friends doesn't have to cost money. Do some cheap/free shit every so often so they can stay involved. Simply saying "let us know if things change" seems cold
I need this in my life.
Oh god this. The worst thing is that when you keep having to use the excuse of "I don't have any money" you feel as though you're wanting them to pay for you, when in reality you're just being honest.
Do you have any LPT's to find friends?
Hobbies and be nice to literally everyone you meet. And I don't mean lend random people money, but say hi to everyone and ask engaging questions to people you feel you may have something in common with whenever you can. Hope that helps!
Or just do things with them that isn't a financial commitment.
It's a great cheap night in and you can change the menu but we choose curry cos it's cheap! Our partners hated it at first until they realized the poker money ain't the poker money they were thinking of. Some wanted to join in but fuck that;)
Money's tight for me right now so I started working on a short list the other day of things to do that don't cost money (some are solo activities):
-go on a walk (did this w a friend and her pup last week and it was so nice)
-hang out in a park, throw a frisbee
-get a library book, read it in a park
-free museum days (many museums have some night a month with free admission)
-farmers market for grocery shopping or just wandering around and getting free samples :). If you buy some groceries there, you're taking a typical errand/chore and making it more of an experience
-sign up for event and activity emails for your city. Many cities post a calendar of free events
Do you guys have other ideas?
He's saying his cheap friends were horrified by the thought of high stakes gambling, but penny ante poker night is a longstanding tradition.
This is a great system unless one friend is always poor. When I was younger I was always the one with money so if we did anything fun I ended up having to always pay for two of my friends. Eventually I just stopped hanging out with them. Sucks, but it got to the point where I was missing out on things I wanted to do because I just spent all my money on them.
My philosophy has always been I'd rather spend double to have a good time.
This was especially true in high school. One of my friends was from a family not was well if as mine. I had a part time job, and no expenses other than putting gas in my car. I'd slip him cash when we'd be doing things as a group, so he could go and not be embarrassed about not having money. And then junior year my parents paid him to tutor me in math, which worked out well for both of us.
I went through a period like this where things were really difficult about a decade ago, and I had a buddy who occasionally "had an extra ticket" to a movie or show or whatever. It was understood to be his way of paying without any expectation of repayment, and without making it awkward or embarrassing for either of us. It meant a lot to me, and I still think the world of the guy.
Or offer them a small loan of million dollars
Board games! Now, they do cost money, but if you get the right ones like dominion or settlers it is well worth it.
When I first started planning my wedding almost 3 years ago, I of course wanted my BFF of 20 years to be a bridesmaid. After she considered the price of her dress, travel and accommodation costs, she called me and had to back out. She kept apologizing and I said it was fine, I get it. As long as she was there in some way, that's all that mattered.
We ended up postponing for our own financial reasons until March of last year when my (now) husband's grandmother became quite ill. We upped the date and totally changed what we were going to do. I called my BFF to let her know and when it came to a dress, I told her it didn't matter, as long as it was black. She ended up getting the perfect dress from a friend of hers, at no cost.
Point of the story. I didn't bother her or make her feel bad in any way because she had to drop out in the beginning. Money issues suck and I totally understood.
Cook it before along with the rice, heat it up and serve after the 2nd round! Everyone has a break and eats, then back on the beer and poker again. Leftovers with pitta bread throughout the rest of the night.
That's really nice to hear. I was asked to be the best man at my best friends destination wedding , I explained I couldn't afford it.... That was the last time he answered the phone or replied to a text from me.
Our society is surprisingly uptight when talking about finances. A lot of people will talk about what they did last night sexually before they'll talk about their current financial situation.
Game Nights FTW!
Back in the days when we were skint newly grads we had many a game night ranging from Wii to board games to playing poker with dried pasta as our chips.
Some of us had been working a while, some were still students, some were working but skint. We brought our own booze (or soda if we were poor/driving/needed to give the liver a night off) free to cheap night, lots of fun and no one got left out.
"Im tryna tell you about fucking my wife here, and you're asking me all these personal questions!"
A lot of the time someone in a group will have them, too. Or at least a deck of cards.
Cards Against Humanity has a free pdf if someone has a printer.
My friends and I are young and poor and do this all the time together. We take turns going to each other's houses. Whoever is hosting puts on the games/movie and any food/tea is free for the taking, and the "guests" usually bring candy or chocolate haha. We do this several times a week and we all figure it works out in the wash.
We also are all quite outdoorsy and camping/gas split between 4-5 people is pretty cheap so that's what we do as well.
Yes! This is totally a thing too. I'm currently doing my MSc so have been in university for over 5 years living the destitute life while friends have all progressed in their careers. When they hear "I can't really afford it right now" it appears to translate to "please will you pay for me, which is more uncomfortable than having to admit you're poor. When it happens regularly you start to feel like they think you're a free loader and occasionally I've made up other excuses just so I don't give the impression I want to be taken out or paid for. But it comes from good intentions I guess, when I have cash and a friend doesn't I don't think twice about paying.
That's horrible! Just because you couldn't afford to go, he stopped talking to you? Jesus. That's cold!
People tend to forget that others have money issues. If you had been able to afford it, you would have been there in a heartbeat and he couldn't see that. I'm sorry :(
When my BFF had to back out, it was because the dress I had chosen for them was 300$. But she also would have had to get a hotel room and brinf her middle son to watch her daughter while her and her husband were at the wedding. It would have cost her close to 1000$
So, when we changed things, I went with a 50s pin up theme. We had the whole thing by my husband's uncles place out in the country. Instead of a 3 plus hour drive for her, it was an hour. And because we weren't in the city, the hotel for a night was way cheaper. She was able to be there with her husband and their daughter.
Heck, when we chose the new date, I chose it so she COULD be there. Her daughter had a dance recital the evening before our original thought on a new date. So, I changed it to the day after that. She's my BFF. There was no way I was going to get married without her there.
LPT: Stop taking tips from strangers on the internet and apply modified common sense to your own damn life.
Maybe your friend is depressed, not a good idea to stop inviting them. Maybe your friend is broke, also not a good idea to stop inviting them. Family troubles? Same.
Everyone says hobbies, yet I always find hobbies that don't require friends :)
Drives me nuts. I have a good friend who spent 18-23 couch surfing. Drugs, liquor and women every night. He stayed with a group of degenerates (frat house minus the going to school part) who would blindly fund his endeavors and then when it was time for reality he was completely screwed. He's come a long way, but now we're in our late 20s and he is where most of us were at 19 but with a kid and a loveless relationship with a girl that pretty well hates him.
I used to pay for things so he could be involved but I had to stop because I realized that he is a leach by nature. He still does it to other friends who can't say no, but it's honestly pathetic. Wouldn't quit hanging out with him, but won't give him more than a casual beer before I feel used. Being poor sucks but when you did it to yourself and have no major ambition to get away from it I can't feel too bad. I grew up poor af and he had the middle class family so that adds to my feelings as well.
Sorry, that got out of hand.
Always mine too, it's what makes sense. Better to have 5 beers with a friend than 10 by yourself. Generally evens out in the long run too.
until they realized the poker money ain't the poker money they were thinking of
I'm not sure I follow
Where the fuck are these magic friends!?
This also applies to "have you got a job yet?" Just don't even ask, it shouldn't even be a focal point at all, the jobless person already has enough on his or her plate without having to worry about whether or not he or she is cool enough to hang out with his or her friends because they are unemployed, it makes that person feel even worse because it makes them feel like they're only bothered with when they have money and can buy the next round.
The solution is do cheaper shit and don't expect poor people to suddenly have $100 for a night out drinking just because that's what you do...
Or you can drag them along anyway when you know they don't have the money, pay, and then get mad because they're lazy freeloaders
Never heard of a 32 rack before, but I do like getting shit faced.
Or they have a drug problem.
Source : Myself. This is exactly what I did when I was doing dope. I chuckled to myself because it sounded so familiar. Nearly 14 months clean though!
Be the magic friend! Including being the friend that arranges super cheap/free events. Not everyone's up for the same stuff, but you learn pretty quick who is regularly up for hangouts.
you never invited me so, yeah.. I was left out
I'm currently the poor friend but that comes and goes. Had a friend buy me a hot dog and root beer float last night and it meant more than they could imagine.
No matter how unique your hobby is, I guarantee you there is at least one other person who has it too, and likely closer to you location-wise than you think.
I think all my friends have become recluses since forming relationships and have become money conscious to the point where no one hangs out with anybody anymore. :(
It could also be couples coma vs single stamina.
Wives and girlfriends, I think.
ONE BILLION DOLLARS
This sub-reddit has just become less about life tips and more about people complaining about things their friends or family do.
I just pay for them to come with me.
I know they'll get me back, and plus its about friendship, not the money.
My friends and I do something similar. We have RPG and slow cooker night every week or two. Whoever's hosting will throw something in the slow cooker before work on a Friday morning, and the others will pitch in a case of beer or some chips and salsa, etc. Then we campaign from about 8 until midnight. We alternate what we play depending on who's hosting but right now we've got Werewolf: The Apocalypse and D&D 5E on rotation. The respective DMs have also got a few extra character sheets for each game so that if someone wants to bring an SO or a friend they're welcome.
And vica versa. If your friend stopped coming to events and hasn't mentioned money, you should probably check on them. Depression Sucks
Where does the curry come in?!
Mostly through the mouth. Sometimes the poker game gets wild though...
So, I can tell you from MY perspective, that this is not true.
As someone who is very financially comfortable (and whose friends are not), I don't hear that at all when they say "I don't have any money".
What I think is "HOLY SHIT I REEEEALLLLYYY WANT MY FRIEND TO COME TO DO THIS WITH ME I DON'T CARE WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET THEM THEEERRREEE!".
However I'm not "weird" about money at all. In fact, I essentially consider "my" money a group fund. Really. Those friends (to be fair, like, 4 very close friends) are the same people who got me to where I am today so I could earn this stupid money. At some point, each of them literally helped me out of bed when I was too depressed to get out myself, held me for hours while I cried, and countless other bullshit. I had friends bringing me food/clothes when I was living out of my car, and those people were broke themselves.
So in my mind, I'm not "giving" them money - it's already theirs.
I'd rather spend my money on my friends than any car or vacation house or whatever. Hands down. At a certain point, you have enough money where it's time to share the wealth and throw it back at the village.
Because at that point, why not?
Ermmmm, It might just be the alcoholic in me but I'd prefer to just get a case so he can have 5 and I can have 27.....
it's so nice/my wallet hates being able to justify an upgrade because your old part is helping someone else out too. used this justify getting myself a 1080...
what if your hobby is masturbating to pigs while stuffing venomous snakes up your butt?
Great points! This is specifically focused on when they've mentioned it's a money issue, temporary or otherwise. I had friends visit for the weekend recently and they all work and are in couples, whereas I'm a single student. We did a bunch of nice stuff but it was more difficult for me to afford/splash out as much as they were and I was unintentionally made to feel super uncomfortable a few times. "Why didn't you just order more food so we can split the bill" "shall we go for drinks in this super expensive place". Was all totally unintentional and had no malice behind it, but it would have been nice if they'd been slightly more sensitive about it. On the flip side, it was their weekend away so I totally understand them enjoying doing things without considering money. had a lovely weekend though
I'd like some LPT's to stop disliking almost everyone I meet.
I can relate to this. I'm struggling like crazy so I can't really afford to go out. So every time my friend invites me he pays for me as well. He doesn't mind but at the same time I feel terrible about it.
Don't pester them about that one thing, but definitely don't leave them out altogether. I've had to say no before, and too many times that was the last invite I got from friends until I said something about not being included. "Oh, I thought you couldn't afford stuff". Yeah, that one time, when I was between paychecks. I'm not always poor. I want to hang out!
If they've worked for the money for the watch then I say good on them for buying something that will last longer than a few drinks and a hangover.
Yes, maybe saving the 300 is a better option but sometimes people deserve to treat themselves in thier own way. Just because your friend decided to use 300$ on a watch instead of drinks or food with friends, doesn't mean you have to talk down on them.
Or show up at their house with pizza and a redbox movie
That's what my friend group does too but with weed!
Jeez...sounds like he was better off out of your life. Still a cruel thing to do
Hey it's me your hobby friend
This is the real LPT. Serve curry when your friends are poor. Not only is curry cheap, but you could practically throw anything that is almost going to rot in your fridge into the curry to not waste food!
Yes this person gets it, how could you not extend your wallet to someone you are wanting to come with you? Every needs to stop being selfish assholes and help each other.
That's how I am. I've been the broke one for many years and friends would drag me out on their dime so I can be involved. I've finally reached a stage in my life where I can return the favor, and it's awesome
Half a billion would do too. Thank you.
I do something a little like this. The person I live with is absolutely broke (but getting by, barely), but I don't want to be too aggressively generous, so I just get her a little something here and there when I do my own shopping. Cereal, almond milk, or a little something that she likes but can't justify.
She has different eating considerations than I do (i.e. I'm not vegan), so I can't offer her food that I've made too often, but just a little something here and there.
It's an unpopular decision but I'll tell folks I simply don't want to go and have planned x so maybe another time. It's easier to do, even if all I say for x is I'm going to take a nap.
Or challenge them to a simple ten thousand dollar bet and lose intentionally
exactly. i got a poor friend that i call up every so often and say something like, "hey, i got a case of beer and giant pack of wings to cook. come over and help!"
That was me for awhile when I was unemployed. I have a hard time accepting help from people in general, so I felt pretty shitty whenever we went out. I realized my friend wouldn't invite me out if she didn't want to see me. She knew I was poor, and once I was back in a good place I payed for her because that's what friends do.
Your poor friends need to get out more than your friends who can afford shit do. Being poor is like being under the blankets for too long. It's hot and stuffy and it sucks.
A hockey game here, a bar night there. It's maybe a couple hundred bucks to you, but an enormous burden lifted to be able to get out of the house to them. Also make it no strings attached so they can enjoy themselves with their friends. Plus you don't have to do it a lot to help change someone's circumstances.
You have to give to get. Start it in your group. Invite some people over to your place, foot the bill for the eats and entertainment. You'll find out quick who's worth keeping around.
Also Pro tip: If you're ever going to give a friend money / pay for a night out, do it without the expectation of ever receiving anything in return. That's just a recipe for disaster.
LPT: If you care about people, keep inviting them to stuff if they don't come, no matter the reasoning
Cheap booze in someone's apartment.
Same thing with me - I'm living in a really cool city for my masters degree right now but my pals who visited this weekend thought I was being a cheapskate for not going to Nando's for lunch... I have £27 in my bank account!