"...when the crab people come." excuse me wat
This is the kind of horoscope I can get behind
Ahh Pisces, gotta get their shit together
Cancer is also worrying..
Luckily we've made great strides in medical technology, hopefully in the near future we won't need to worry about cancer at all!
As a Pisces, could you give me a moment of your time to discuss crab people?
The whole thing looks like u/obviousplant made it.
Fuck you. I will fish lip your shit. And make you smell like Tuna.
Um... no... the sun is coming and the crows will be flying soon... not enough time.
Writing horoscopes like this is all I want to do in my retirement. Done and done.
as a virgo who hates Illinois nazis, I support this post.
I'm fairly certain this is from The Onion...
Taste like crab
Talk like people
Tuna you say?
Did anyone else think the thumbnail looked like it had a big red swastika on it?
To shreds you say?
you should apply at The Onion
Read the one on the top left. It talks about the coming of the crab people. Cancer's sign is the crab. Clearly it means "there is not much time left before ... we rise in revolt to over throw the world"
Yeah! Kill all the cancer!
And how's the wife holding up?
Shut up crab person.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): You have forgotten to take the Double-Stuf Oreos out of your pants pockets, and the laundromat washer is 10 minutes into its cycle already.
Man, those Blues Brothers had it right.
Welcome to Nightvale.
thanks for the obvious comment, guy who whines about astrology jokes.
We're on a mission from God.
No more crabs for anyone!
So odd to me this is the only mention. The onion's horoscopes were always great. Haven't thought to check them since...I don't know, the late nineties...?
Futurama, the professor says it
Can confirm. I'm cancer and have 3 more days to finish 3 essays and study for a final exam. Death seems inevitable at this point.
They were around in the early 00s, HS newspaper would print knock off versions or outright copy paste.
My favorite was, "This week, your dream will come true. Unfortunately for you it's the dream where each of the demon's fangs has it's own screaming face."
You just wait. Us crab people will be your demise.
We cancers are gonna snip snip your nip nip
It reads like The Onion, and I know they do horoscopes like this, so that would be my guess.
"Aries: (March 21—April 19) You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday."
Nah dude, you got called out for missing a very obvious joke horoscope page.
Yeah, with the 69 going on there.... things can only go on for so long.
They're already here, watching you from your soup...
Must be Egyptian Nazis.
TUNA, YOU SAY?
Ok...you can stop whinning at anytime now.
But what about the crab people!
You should probably get a doctor to check that out.
whines in neckbeard
Personally I welcome our crab over lords.
Clearly you haven't seen The Blues Brothers and I really don't know what to say to that. You should.
What's this from? It seems like a good read.
To says you shred?
The horoscopes are one of the highlights of the live shows especially. Everyone gets excited when it's their turn.
There's not much time. We must act.
Mess with the crabo, you get the stabo.
You know, when you mess with the crabbo you get the stabbo
Scorpio: give your son back the bb gun you confiscated from him in 6th grade.
Wait.... you're conspiring with Libras aren't you? Does their depravity know no bounds?!
I must now strike you with my sturdy defensive object!
As a virgo, I should watch the blues brothers.
He says that you say?
We really should be rid of that constellation. It's killing thousands every year. Even kids. Can't NASA do something? They have rockets don't they?
There's no context to anything in that movie, things just kinda happen
If you're a Cancer: you dead
Saitama already dealt with that
I recommend the podcast "Welcome to Nightvale" if this tickles your fancy. It is a true Internet gemstone full of weirdness and hilarity.
I know it's a classic and what not and will watch it if I get the chance to, but can you please explain the context for us plebs who haven't seen the movie?
The article is too late, we are already here.