I'm not changing my name
I'm getting married this weekend and everyone has been asking me what my 'new last name' will be.
I'm not changing my name. No, I'm not doing a hyphen and as far as I know, he isn't changing his. Yes, we have discussed this. Yes, he is fine with this, I wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't. No, it has nothing to do with 'family legacy'. No, I don't care what his family thinks, we haven't discussed it with them.
The expectation on women to change their name once married is, in my opinion, outdated. I like my last name. All my debit and credit cards, my loans, and IDs are in that name and in all honesty, I don't want to go through all the hassle to change them. Not to mention changing your name has roots in women being owned like property to their husbands.
If you want to change your name, or do a hyphen or whatever, thats cool. Just don't expect me to.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My wife and I both kept our names. Number of times it's been an issue over 25 years: zero.
I changed mine because I love my husband's last name and hated mine. I want our kids to carry it but it will be their decision and I will respect it. I don't think that women should have to change their last names if they don't want to. I also know of someone that the man took his wife's last name because her dad wanted their legacy to continue. I think the husband got a gift or money to do it but that's his choice.
I tried to convince my wife to change her first name when we got married so she could say "my maiden name is Jessica Smith. My married name is Victoria Smith."
...yeah for some reason she didn't go for it. I like to tell that joke when people can't get their head around why someone wouldn't change their name.
My parents kept their names. I have my mom's name because, as my parents say, "she did all the work".
I believe he was talking about the birth.
The only real problem comes with children and even then it's usually minor. A child of parents with different names can use either last name or both as a hyphenate. Typically all names are considered legal which can cause fights as the name the kid uses might upset one of the parents. Or if they go with the hyphenate it just gets messy down the line once they have kids with the possibility of now having 4 last names.
Eventually someone has to drop a last name somewhere, if you keep it it just means your kids or grand kids will have to choose a name to drop eventually. It really shouldn't be that big a deal but people can get insulted over pretty stupid things.
I offered my wife to keep her last name 30 years ago when we got married. She declined and took mine. Her reason: We're going to be a family, and the family is like a business. We need a brand. The kids, me, you - one word that is our family that we all look at.
She made her last name her middle name and added my last name. And eventually, became the matriarch of the family and owns the entire operation, really.
Edit: Some of the replies don't understand or misread. I did not offer and was not willing to take my wife's last name. We agreed that is a bad idea, because socially it would make me look weak due to tradition and inherent sex roles in society. We decided that following social conventions would lower our stress levels and give us a solid unifying name that wouldn't be controversial. It was like a business decision. We're not the MLK's of the marriage name world. We both think people with hyphen names are dorks. We both think men taking the wife's name will have trouble being successful. We embraced traditional gender roles and don't think being an SJW is healthy in every case.
Some of you seem to have imagined this hippy couple from the 60's from Berkley challenging gender roles and being highly enlightened. No. We did the traditional thing because not following tradition annoys the shit out of everyone around you. We already bucked enough traditions in other ways and did this out of enlightened self interest.
Frankly, I am fine with gender roles. I cannot squeeze out babies, and she can't step on roaches without squealing.
Didn't change my name... I always get the "your kid doesn't have your last name" lecture .... I incubated him and pushed him out of my vag and continue to do a great job of not making him a messed up human being. I guess if we had the same last name all the worlds problems would be magically solved and he'd be a much better person.
I kept my last name for the same reasons - I also really really like how my full name sounds. I would feel like I was losing my identity if I changed it.
I also lost my father at a young age and don't really have much that belonged to him - so I feel like my name is the first thing he ever gave me. I didn't want to give that up.
People WILL take issue with it - just to forewarn you. The most hilarious and enraging experience I had with this was when I was renewing my passport and was trying to make a correction to my middle name (which had been spelled wrong on the passport - by no fault of my own, of course). I called to talk to someone about getting it fixed and the woman could NOT comprehend that I was talking about my middle name and not my last name.
"It says here you're married - is that correct? So what is your new last name?"
"No ma'am, I didn't change my last name. This is reference to the spelling of my middle name."
"What?! Well... In THIS country we change our last names when we get married!"
"Umm... excuse me? I just told you I did not change my last name when I LEGALLY got married."
"Well... you have to legally change your name and fill out a bunch of paperwork... which I never did. So my name is exactly the same as it was on my last passport."
I went back and forth with this woman for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually got a supervisor... but I was so confused how someone who could work for the passport office didn't understand that you had to file namechange paperwork.
I dunno I mean, she did grow a human being inside herself for 9 months... even if duties are split when the kid is born she will always have done more.
I was in the same boat as you. Sometimes I feel vain for taking on a name just because it sounds a lot nicer, but now I have a nice name. I love my family, but I just never liked my maiden name or felt attached to it at all. My sisters kept theirs and it's all fine.
I didn't change mine. When people comment that we have different last names, I just tell them Husband didn't want to change his name. Usually stops it right there!
And people who decide to change there name are not outdated. People do, people don't....Its tradition to change it and will continue to be. Its the norm. There is nothing wrong with that, Just like there is nothing wrong not changing.
I took my wife's last name. Fuck it dude who cares about what's normal.
I did change my name and regretted it for most of my 17 year marriage. I just felt so strange changing something that is so personal. I hadn't changed. My last name had history and I had an identity based on my last name. I eventually went back to my real name when I divorced. Felt like I was finding myself.
I'm sorry about all the people who've responded that can't take a freaking joke.
I assume they meant up until the child was named.
We're nowhere near the technology to share that part of the work yet.
I love my bf's last name! (Not engaged officially but been talking about marriage for 5 years, it's an inevitability.)
Right now my mom's last name is my middle name. Same for my brother. And we both share our father's last name as our own. I haven't spoken to father in 12 years. My brother hasn't in about 8. And I don't particularly care for my mom's last name because it's ugly and people always fuck up the pronunciation.
So, when bf and I tie the knot, I'll take the opportunity to change my middle and last names all at once! I'm stoked.
For my middle name, I'm using my nom de plume from when I used to write for a living.
It creates a cool pattern with our initials, too.
His name: VMV
Together, well be: VMVMVMV
Kickass visual and textual palindrome.
Or just go by a single name, like Prince or Gumby.
Not too long ago, here in the US, a woman would be known by her own first name in casual company, but by her husband's first and last name in formal settings. Mrs. John Smith. I never understood that. It went on well into the 1970s, especially among the older generations.
My grandmother sent my birthday card addressed to Mrs. Husband's Name this past year.
Flames! On the side of my face!
Because sponsoring someone to run a marathon isn't the same thing as running a marathon yourself.
she did all the work
I'd like to think that's also an outdated thing to say.
His and my parents are already upset that we aren't having a ceremony amd are getting married by a judge. But like I keep telling everyone, it's OUR marriage, not theirs. As long as the couple involved are happy, leave them alone!
Meh, I changed my last name because I chose my husband and didn't choose my father with whom I've had a very rough relationship and to whom I feel no allegiance. I made this decision consciously. We don't plan to have children, but to adopt older kids. If that happens, they will be free to choose their names as well. If it's a man's name either way, I personally will go with the one who I love more.
Cool. I didn't change my name either. Drove my in-laws crazy, but he and I liked it that way.
I love my husband's last name and hated mine.
My SO loves my last name and hates his, so he's planning to change to mine. I would've been fine with different last names, too.
People should make their own decisions. And that can turn out all sorts of ways! Sometimes this still means the woman takes the man's name -- sometimes it doesn't. I'm happy as long as people are making their own choices, not bowing to archaic bullshit.
You don't name a child after raising it, you name it when it pops out. I think its meant to be a joke and maybe shouldn't be taken so seriously.
My dad wasn't a good father and he has two sons from a previous marriage to carry on the name. I have never felt a strong connection to my maiden name so It was easy to let go. I even have my married (last) name tattooed on me.
Where I come from, men would bestow a new first name as well upon their wives. It's fallen out of practice for the most part...most people in my generation have done first name (their own) middle name (husband's first name) last name (husband's last name). Never heard of this after my grandparents and a couple of aunts until, a friend from college just got married and did: first name (husband given) middle name (husband's first name) last name (husband's last name).
My mother never changed her name due to having an established professional career, and yet my grandmother sent mail to Mr. & Mrs. My Dad's Name for the first 15 years of their marriage.
My wife is a doctor who didn't change her name either. My friends like to flip the stereotype and address things to Dr. and Mr. My Wife's Name.
Interesting. In Hispanic lands when a couple gets married the girl keeps her last name but the term "de [husband's last name]" (de means of) is usually added to her full name. So if Rose Smith marries John Swift, Rose's name would be Rose Smith de Swift.
These are equally excellent examples.
Well - as a husband I'm not anticipating any backpain during our upcoming pregnancy....so I'm going to go ahead and say no- that's not outdated at all
My boyfriend and I have decided to take on my last name because we don't like his and it would be fun. I wish this was more common!
In the Spanish speaking world last names change from generation to generation. Each person has two last names: Father's Mother's
If my father's last name is Johnson and my mother's is Baker, I'd be Username Johnson Baker.
If I married a woman with the last name Clarke Paulson our children would be "Child Johnson Clarke".
The process continues on and on, so it can be done. Children from the Spanish speaking world tend to have different last names than their parents. I don't see why we don't change to this. I think it's kind of neat to always keep your names.
Edit: I was a little preoccupied writing this. I made an error with the names.
The actual term for a last name is "surname."
That's so outdated, I was grown in a cloning tank from my dad's tongue scraping
I agree with you. I'm getting married soon as well and I hate the idea of changing my name. But I hate my last name. It's associated with my father whom I currently have no contact with. And it's just a lame name...I don't like telling it to people. My fiancé has a nice last name. I was very torn about it, but I've come to terms with changing it. His last name is better...I still dislike the principal of changing it though.
With Dhoomer as her last name, who can blame you?
Really? So just how hard are modern fathers working to give birth? Are they squeezing their pelvic muscles in time with their wives? Having knives stabbed into them with each contraction? If not, then no, dude, it is not outdated to say the woman does all the work of bearing a child.
Guys can sometimes get very angry over the idea of changing their last names. My husband and a couple of my friends' husband's got pissed when it was brought up. Which only made me angrier. My husband expected me to change my name, but he wouldn't even talk about changing his name because it's part of his identity.
That was a big fight.
I didn't change my last name either, and had issues at the pharmacy---they were people we were very familiar with and they just assumed I changed my name and were pretty frustrated with me when I told them I didn't. I also had issues at work, because people told me I was ruining marriage, and I didn't love him enough, etc.
I really love my last name, and he really likes his. Why change?
It's legislated in some countries but in the US it's not automatically the father's name. You can give your kid any last name you want. We're giving our kid a new name that's a combination of ours.
lol this response fits a large percentage of the posts on this sub
"you're ruining marriage"YEAH WELL YOU'RE RUINING WORK, BOB, DID YOU THINK OF THAT?
You guys could come up with a new last name that's better than nice. I saw someone the other day with the last name Clinkscales, made me want to make up a new dungeons and dragons character
When I was a kid I looked forward to growing up and getting married just so I could change my name with no one being mad at me (unmarried parents, both forced their last names on me following a bitter breakup, so lots of pain attached to both names). I recently got married (for other, better reasons, lol) but I admit that my heart felt so much lighter when I submitted the paperwork to legally change my last name, I still smile when I get to say or write it!
I love this! I feel the same way, taking my husband's last name was a sign of unity for the empire we are building :)
Women who build up their practice under their maiden name often do not change their name upon marrying. Part of what I guess you'd call their brand comes from name recognition - especially if you're publishing papers or gaining clients through famous cases.
What did the supervisor say?
There is, but up to the point where a child is being named that's the bulk of the work there is to be done.
how do i get rid of the smell?
I'm a guy that took my wife's last name. People were interested in it but no one had anything negative to say. It's a new world. You do you!
My favorite is the Mayor of LA was Anthony Villar and his wife was Corina Raigosa. They became the Villaraigosas.
My wife didn't change her last name, and the kids have her last name.
I know others have commented that it's tradition versus automatically given in the US, but interestingly, my coworker had a hell of a time trying to GIVE her kid the father's last name. They weren't married at the time and the father couldn't be present for the birth, so she wasn't allowed to put his last name for the baby since he wasn't there to sign the birth certificate. I guess to prevent making a guy legally liable in case it's actually not his? Idk. They ended up having to go through a ton of paperwork and finally got the baby's last name changed to his when she was 3 months old.
Additionally, a boss of mine kept her last name after marriage and they decided their kids would have her last name as well. Later on, when they were trying to get the kids on his insurance, they had a nightmare of a time trying to 'prove' they were his kids due to the different names... even though he's listed on the BC, no one was denying it, etc.
Damn, and here I was under the impression there was more to raising a child than just giving birth.
Just like there is nothing wrong not changing.
I don't disagree, but there are definitely some more traditional folks who would argue that having different names is detrimental to the family and the child's upbringing. I wonder how all those doctors and lawyers manage...
It's only been an issue for my husband and me with my mom. She haaaaaates that I've kept my last name. "How will people know that you're married and not just shacking up?!" I responded, "Maybe I want them to think I'm shacking up....." She wasn't amused. Seriously though, I work in nursing (thus, with mostly women) and I can't tell you how many hours of my life are wasted trying to figure out who someone is because of changed last names. If I had my way nobody would change their name. Ever.
Same. I loved my maiden name. It was a lovely Irish name that sounded good and was easy to spell. Now I have a Czech last name that I have to respell fifty fucking times to every person I have to give it to, and they STILL misspell it because nobody really listens. Stupid fucking consonants. The only time anybody has ever spelled or pronounced the Czech name properly was when I was in Germany.
I want to see if my fiancee would be ok just swapping last names when we get married, because it'll confuse everyone and that's just the kind of people we are.
I think you squirt lemon around the outside of your house
I don't think there's anything wrong with women deciding to change their names, but I don't see any reason why it should be the norm.
I cried when I left the SS office after changing my last name. It only took me a week to go back to my maiden name after our divorce was final. I didn't want to change it in the first place, but he wasn't alright with 'how it looks', whatever that means. I don't plan on changing it if I ever marry again.
No offense to you or anything, it's your names, but imagining that for myself feels so much more sexist than just taking the husbands name. It makes it like the girls are one family and the boys are another. We are so different we cannot be called the same thing. Family names are unifying. Just my opinion.
Unless they wanna foot the entire bill as a gift I say they don't even have one leg to stand on, let alone two.
also sure that these people getting upset aren't up in arms over the centuries of women taking the names of their husbands. if the children take the father's name, no one bats an eye, but if someone even makes a joke about a child taking the mom's name since she 'did all the work', suddenly all these people have a problem. what a world
I have a gender-ambiguous first name too, so that makes things interesting. Recently went on vacation with my wife and our resort addressed everything to "Dr. My Wife's Name and Ms. My Name."
There's an interesting fraternity of medical husbands with a sense of humor about this stuff. Regardless of your own professional career (ex. I'm an attorney), the doctor is almost always assumed to be the more important one in the relationship. It's the kind of thing that can (and does) lead to some real masculinity issues if you can't laugh about it.
It is your requirement for me to lose MY identity but god forbid you have to lose yours because you are attached to your name and also a man?
Total crap. My name is MINE and you can get over yourself.
I kept my name - and to my utter surprise, it was an issue just a couple months after the wedding. I moved to small-town Arkansas in July, and when my husband and I went to get driver's licenses, we brought a couple bills as proof of residence. All the utility bills were in my name; I didn't anticipate that'd be a problem, since we had the mortgage to our house with both our names.
But at the DMV, they were baffled. They got on the phone with the main office in Little Rock, and I heard the woman behind the counter:
"Yeah, they've got different last names, but all the utilities are in her name... No, she just never changed her name... No, she's not trying to change her name now."
They made us drive home and get our marriage license before they'd accept the utility bills as proof of residence for both of us.
I thought you were kidding. Then I scrolled down. Jesus Christ. Is there anything people won't get offended over? The amount of people responding miffed about this is absolutely astounding to me.
I mean, the tradition is kinda outdated though..don't you think? The whole male lineage importance thing used to matter when they were the only ones who could own properties or land, etc. But now that's not the case. Both men and women have equal opportunities for the most part and there's no reason for the family to automatically have the guy's last name.
And there's a difference between being courteous and shelling out hundreds/thousands of dollars for a ritual that neither you or your spouse want.
The wife taking the husband's is more of a western tradition. In Japan it's more traditional for the husband to take the wife's name when the wife's family is "inheriting" a new male heir. There really is no consistent "normal". I think it really should come down to however the couple decides.
'your wedding isn't for you, it's for everyone else.'
In which case, I do feel justified in charging admission.
They should have asked to see the marriage certificate regardless, because just because you have the same last name doesn't mean you're married. This is fairly common, but it often causes problems the other way for us. Lady married, changed her name, and had a kid. Now she's bringing in a minor and trying to use the birth certificate to link her and the kid. However, her name on her license and bills are Jane Brown, but since birth certs list mother's maiden name the kid's birth cert says Jane Smith.
I understand kid's dad's name is John Brownm, also listed on the birth certificate. I believe her when she says they are married and she changed her name, which is typical.
But it doesn't matter what I believe or can reasonably assume. You have to provide documentation of the link between mom and kid. And not for ME, for the auditors who are going to go through the application at a later date. They won't get to talk to you; they only see your documents. Therefore, if your name is different than what is listed on the birth cert, we need the document that shows your name change. Usually that is a marriage certificate.
Now lets say mom got married, changed name, had kid, divorced, retained married name, remarried, changed name, divorced, retained name, reremarried, changed name. Now we need alllllll those documents, because birth cert says Jane Smith, her bills say Jane White, and the marriage certification says Jane Green...
Shit gets messy.
This is why I'm never changing my name.
Man, I always thought I wanted to get rid of my name because it's hard for people to spell/pronounce. I can only remember two times where someone got it right on the first try. I was pretty excited that my ex-husband's name was so much easier. And then I got married, changed my name on Facebook, and started to feel like puking every time I thought about giving up my name. My ex didn't care, but he's military and he got some shit from coworkers, asking him why he "let me" do that and shit. I think that made me even more stubborn.
I married someone with the same last name. Sometimes I tell people he took mine.
Yup, when I first learned about Anglo women giving up their last names it surprised me.
But the "de" thing may not be that usual anymore, at least not in my country (from what I've seen). The only women I know that have a "de" in their name are pretty old. Nowadays it's more common for each of the spouses to just preserve their last names.
You can change it because he has a nice name and you don't like yours, rather than because you're a woman and he's a man.
Get a wife. She will deal with it.
I got married almost a year and a half ago, and I too didn't change my last name. People always automatically call me by my husbands last name, I get why but it gets annoying.
I gave my last as the middle name and he gave his as the last. It's worked out and my daughter feels proud to have both.
I dont think we will ever get to the point where men give birth.
Changing your last name isn't 'outdated' in my opinion. I didn't choose my maiden name, or any name i was given so i don't see the big deal either way.
I feel some people don't change it because they like to tell people how they don't need to, how they aren't their husbands property etc when the reality is...it's just a name. Nothing more, nothing less. Some people - not saying OP is - love to soapbox and will find any reason to do it.
I also feel that spending two months salary on an engagement ring is outdated. Out of curiosity, would any of you women out there accept a proposal without a ring or a promise of one?
I think what bothers me most is that no one has asked me if I changed my name; they just assume.
I like your friends. They sound like fun people.
I found out after being married for five years that people thought I wasn't serious about marriage because I didn't have a wedding. It seems so bizarre to me that people equate a wedding with a marriage.
Preferably, the ship name of the spouses. Charlie and Ann? Last name Charlann.
So I'd like to think that a portion of the pregnancy is in the father's responsibility.
its neither's responsibilty. a couple is a fucking team.
if a team loses a game its no one's fault. its all of their fault. if they win a game its no single persons fault. its all of their success...
thats how teamwork works...
I feel sorry for anyone who's partner tries to lord shit like that over them because it just means they don't see you as an equal, but a servant.
Generally babies are named right after they're born, pretty sure the woman has done a bit more work than the man at that point ...
India. Although I know of a case where the husband changed his name after marriage.
Good lord, you talk like fathers are just walking talking wallets. Unlike the sponsor of a runner, a father has an emotional investment in the well being of both his wife and child.
If a man's wife dies in childbirth, he doesn't just wipe his hands and move on to his next "venture." I get that it's only an analogy, but it seems to be a fairly poor one.
It's still not anyone's wedding but the bride and groom. They don't owe their families, or anyone else, anything.
Well I'm not OP, but I would imagine the kids can change their names if they wanted to once they grow up. They don't have to keep their hyphenated last names.
In our situation both our last names are super long we're just going to alternate and give one kid my last name and the other my husband's.
I'm pretty sure the person you replied to did not allude to the work needed to raise a child, only bearing it (Aka birthing).
My mother and I have different last names, that's never made her less my mom.
Administrative problems it's caused over the years: 0.
Haha that's such a badass response. I love it! Might keep that one in my pocket in case I'm ever in a similar situation :)
A different naming convention could solve this, like using a parents first name (who cares which) as your last one like in Iceland. From Wikipedia: Typical Icelandic naming. A man named Jón Einarsson has a son named Ólafur. Ólafur's last name will not be Einarsson like his father's; it will become Jónsson, literally indicating that Ólafur is the son of Jón (Jóns + son). The same practice is used for daughters.
Of course people can WANT to change their name. Doesn't mean he tradition isn't outdated. Just like how it would be if the woman expects the guy to pay for everything. Yeah some guys like that, but the tradition is still outdated.
My Sister told me straight up 'your wedding isn't for you, it's for everyone else.' Sad but true sometimes. It doesn't make sense, because it's a tradition not like a rational thing.
If you can get away with throwing family traditions in the garbage, do what feels best for you, you're lucky! But family (the women mostly) can turn on you real quick when it comes to weddings and babies.
Well, after insemination and before birth, she is solely responsible for the child existing at all. So there is that.
The kids can be given a completely new family name.
Yep. My husband and I exchanged bands at the ceremony but I do not have an engagement ring. If you love someone who the fuck cares about jewelry? And if your girl cares more about jewelry than the actual proposal I'd consider rescinding the proposal.
It's OK, it was an off-hand remark about something that is almost always true. It's not an attack against your work as a father.
We aren't having kids, but I would think a hyphen would work.
You're Darth Vaders nephew?
what would happen when they get married?
Then they get to decide to do whatever they like. I don't see why this is such a hangup for people.
I'm surprised you are getting this much flack, I didn't change my name and no one seems to have an issue with it
My girlfriend and I have had this conversation. If you have children, whose last name would they take?
Many doctors and lawyers (perhaps other professions, if they own their own business) do not change their name if they've already been licensed under their maiden name. I always assumed it was to avoid either extra paperwork, or the risk of people not knowing you're the same doctor when it comes to verifying legitimacy.
Good analogy. All the costs and possible dangers are on the runner, loss of a financial investment by sponsor can't really compare to possible bodily harm or death on the part of participant.
I didn't want to change my name. My husband said "but I want to be a Mr. & Mrs.". I told him good luck with that. His solution was to change his last name to mine. I did not ask for him to do this and told him that is entirely up to him. Some of his friends and certain judgemental members of my extended family initially razzed him about doing that (implying not so politely that I must have certain parts of his anatomy in my purse for him to take his wife's name), but after a while no one thinks twice about it. Do what makes sense for both of you, it's your marriage.
This is also pretty common in academia and scientific research--considering that the only way you are identified on many scientific papers are by your initials and last name, keeping your last name consistent is pretty important if you don't just want your career pre-marriage to disappear down the digital ether.
I didn't change my name
I eventually went back to my real name
I guess you mean you did change your name, then.
That's what the gifts are for!
How would you ask your newly born baby, "what first and family name do you want?"
Similar for my wife. She changed her name because she was in school to be a kindergarten teacher and my last name sounds better and is easier to say than her "foreign" (non American) name.
The child could decide for themselves at that point. Also, anyone can change their name with a little bit of work.
There's also no reason the other spouse can't change their name. Everyone just assumes if the woman doesn't change than that's that and the family won't ever have the same name