I’m in old school trouble. Pregnant and no idea what to do. Send me some advice!!

I’m in old school trouble. Pregnant and no idea what to do. Send me some advice!!

I’m so deep in the shit if I don’t find a box to stand on soon, it’s going to be over my head and I’ll be swimming. Maybe writing it down and posting anonymously on Reddit will help.

Here are my problems in the order of how fucked I am:

Problem 1. I am 25 weeks pregnant and nobody knows, except for everyone I see or talk to or try to walk past a little too close. They all know, because I am the size of a dumper truck. They all say ‘wow you’re getting big’ or ‘your parents must be so excited’. They’re not, because I haven’t been back to Kolkata since April, and they don’t fucking know.

Problem 2. When my ultra conservative Indian parents find out I am pregnant, they will immediately:

Come to England

Kill me

Find out who the father is (actually, this would be quite useful), if necessary by DNA testing the whole of London

Kill him

Drag my twitching corpse back to India and force me to marry some fucking annoying Indian guy with awful taste in shirts.

Bring up the baby themselves while I finish my degree literally shackled to a desk, to ensure I can’t bring any more great shame on the family.

Problem 3. Oh yeah, did I mention. I don’t know who the father is. Ok there’s only two possibilities! Don’t judge me - I’m a student and we have sex sometimes. I just happened to get very lucky twice in one week. And if you’re thinking how irresponsible it was not to take precautions, I fucking did, ok. We used condoms, but we were drunk and I guess something leaked past. Now stop going on about it. I have waddled past both guys around campus a few times, but neither has stopped me to say ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’ or ‘fuck, you’re pregnant, it’s not mine is it?’. They are both blissfully ignorant of their impending fate.

Problem 4. Since about week 23 my sex drive has got batshit crazy, but because I look like a waddling Indian whale no guy wants to have sex with me probably because they’re worried if they get too close they’ll fall over my gravitational event horizon and be unable to escape. This is a shame because my tits look amazing, and nobody is getting to admire them.

Problem 5. I have zero idea what I’m going to do after the baby is born. I’m a fourth year medical student. I have made absolutely no plans. My medical training so far tells me that in about 15 weeks a baby is going to pop out of my vagina and probably want some attention. What am I doing to do? I haven’t the first idea. Take a year off studying? Give baby for adoption? Sell it on eBay? My rating isn’t that great - I once sold a guy a broken hoover. Could be a problem.

I know I know I need to grow up, face reality and get a grip. Here is my plan:

Find out who the father is. I’m going to have to ask them both to do paternity tests. That’ll be fun.

Have sex with him. (Wishful thinking, probably.)

Find out whether he wants to be a father. Because loads of undergraduate student guys are just itching to become dads, right? Probably should also warn him that my parents will murder him, definitely, and that he might want to buy a disguise.

Tell my parents that despite obviously being a virgin, I have somehow become pregnant.

Go into hiding.

I don’t really need advice. I know what I have to do. But somebody send me some solidarity! Everyone assumes I have this impending situation totally under control, whereas in reality I’ve just been pretending it isn’t going to happen! If you’ve been in this boat, send me a PM and we can be friends!!

Start a career in stand up comedy?

Your post is an art piece in finding the humorous side in dire situations.

I have no idea at all what you should do but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

You know, abortion never really crossed my mind. I’m not religious, I’m a feminist and very much pro choice. But for me, once I knew I was pregnant I honestly felt I owed something to this little unborn child already. My fuckup has brought him or her into being, now it’s my job to see this through. Not sure if that makes sense.

I know this is a very polarizing question to ask and I don't mean any disrespect but, knowing the situation that this would put you in, why did you decide to continue the pregnancy?

That's actually refreshing to hear. Abortion is an important option, but so is keeping it.

You'll be a good mother.

(a) You can do prenatal paternity testing (non-invasive) - it's a little pricey, but it might be worth it, because then

(b) you and the dad can figure out what you're going to do, and then

(c) you can contact your parents without having to admit you don't know who the dad is, which sounds like something that will make a bad situation worse.

Good luck. Pregnancy is tough, even in a happy settled relationship - I should know, I'm on #3. But you sound like you're thoughtful and funny and smart, and you would make a good mom, if that's what you decide to do. And who knows, maybe your parents will surprise you when presented with the idea of BABY.

(Also, have you watched Bridget Jones's Baby? Because you probably should.)

I mean, you are pro choice. And your choice is to be a mother, congrats! I hope you sort everything out. If it helps, Bridget Jones got into a who is the baby daddy situation in her most recent movie.

I know right? I'm half like this poor girl, and half like this girl is killing me these jokes are so fresh

Circuses must need doctors. To treat the lion bites!

Haha yeah, comic hyperbole - but I’m not an idiot. I’ve had two scans, midwife appointments, baby looks great. I’ve got good friends who are looking after me. I’m not clueless, just slowly facing up to the reality of what’s about to happen.

I know, right. Perhaps I should run away and join the circus. Is that still a thing?