Good morning! Can you come out and play?

Having raised ducks, they are hangry. Ducks eat a lot.

Very cute though.

"I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread." - Mitch Hedberg

Oh no.... Got any... grapes?

I read that ducks really like grapes. Is this true?

I didn't even know ducks could wag their tails like dogs!

I feel as though I was born for this moment.

It's always a sign my duck is about to shit when she shakes her tail feathers back and forth like that. Fuckin' ducks man.

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Just do it. He still gets off.

Ducks eat for free at Subway

I feel like all these ducks need to be in a row.

He used to be dead. He still is. But he used to be, too.

Play? No, it’s crumb time. I know a fanbase when I see one cause I have a wild bird fanbase that can’t wait every morning for me to bring them crumbs and fill their bird bath. Want to feel like a rock star? Make friends with a flock of birds and help them out.

Yep and they are healthy for them. Bread ducks fucks up. Don't throw bread.

That duck looks like it's a POW.

Going barefoot was a bold move!

Muscovy duck

Perfect double autocorrect.

So fucking dumb, yet this song will be stuck in my head for at least the next decade.

Then he waddled away waddle waddle

Then he waddled away waddle waddle waddle

Thank you for this! I haven't seen or heard a Mitch one-liner in a long time!

When I worked at Starbucks, there were two who would walk over from a nearby pond to visit. We called them Bob and Mrs. Bob.

We'd all feed them the expired croissants and turn on the hose for them for water. One day, they showed up with all of their Bob Jrs in tow to be fed. They eventually started just hanging outside with costumers who got to know their name's. They would stand outside the door, and start wagging tails every time someone in a green apron walked by. Bob Jr eventually had his own babies and we called them Timmy, Martha, and Sheldon. Timmy had a bad limp and we had to make sure to distract the others so he could get some food too.

There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!

What kind of bird is the large one?

The worst superhero.

Probably because he's dead.

Well. It kind of is. No parents. Was being attacked by larger birds when it was found. The woman who found it had no place to keep it. It lives in a cage. I am trying to socialize it with the chickens we keep. So yeah. That is duckys life.

Ducks love pretty much any fruit. Here is one we rescued recently with a carrot for scale. 

http://imgur.com/p8lQk2L

Oh and yes they love grapes.

Ducks love pretty much any fruit. Here is one we rescued recently with a carrot for scale.

Oh and yes they love grapes.

The one is enough.

Robert Paulson is that you?

I watched that whole video. What a twist.

Here you friend, you seem lost.

Paying for child support be like

The small ducks are also Muscovies. They just haven't leveled up yet.

I used to have a muscovy duck like this one. Don't let the tail wag fool you. If you have a male duck, they are super agressive and territorial. They like to bite.

Heck of a a lot braver than me....no way I go out there without shoes on.

Muscovy ducks are incredible mothers. I used to use Muscovy hens to raise other ducklings and they always brooded 100% of the chicks that hatched.

Ducks love pretty much any fruit

Throws it a dirty carrot instead.

It is doing pretty well actually. It was malnourished when we got it. Today actually is its first day trying to quack if that cheers you up.

I almost want to record it.

Thank you

Right?! So much bird shit.

Muscovy ducks wag their tails just like dogs. They also don't quack, they just huff. They're amazing pets.

Bread is bad, but they love quackers.

Be careful, because if it's a drake, it might try to rape your chickens to death.

...Karl?

Because that isn't how the joke is told

I bought an ant farm ... Them fellas didn't grow SHIT.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Then he waddled away....

Yeah, in the dead of winter, you're the only game in town. I always fill my hands with seed for a while before refilling the feeders. Chickadees are the best. No fear.

Finally someone who explains the joke instead of downvoting someone who is out of the loop.

Read that as "breaks the door" and I was just like holy shit.

A duck wouldn't leave me alone while I ate a mixed fruit bowl, So I threw a rather large grape to it. Poor thing almost choked to death swallowing it whole.

My next question would be, can you give a duck the Heimlich maneuver ?

What the duck

Eh, not when they're happy. In fact I can't say I've ever seen a Muscovy satisfied, let alone happy. They just have various shades of "fuck you, feed me".

This was thoroughly entertaining

Second this. One of those ducks showed up at my great aunts farm. If your late in feeding it, it beaks at the door until he gets food. Silly louie...

If i had boobies

Are you not a mammal?

waddle waddle

Remind me! 10 years

Mesmerizingly so.

Let's hope they can foot the bill

He still is a legend, but he was one too.

Can confirm, are hilarious.

I remember reading about feeding ducks when we got the duckling and it warned to cut grapes in halves or quarters for this exact reason. Glad you did not end up having to give the duck the Heimlich maneuver. The sounds it would generate would probably be hilarious though.

totally not a robot

Oblig zefrank video

NSFW, maybe: .

You're welcome!

The man was a legend. My sons middle name is Mitchell named after him.

Oh god, both usernames check out

"I thought it was your turn to take care of the kids today"

Is.

Mitch is a legend.

Long live blurry bigfoot.

Everyone is so mean to me 😢

Til the very next day

I liked this story. Tell me another

This bedroom has a oven in it.

Welcome to the Internet.

Why did I watch this entire video?

Then he waddled awayyy...

Could this be bad for birds that need to migrate? Like they don't realize it's time to go south? Or do they know based on other criteria?

He was Robert Paulson...

(OK ok, "his name is Robert Paulson") - I'll leave the original for giggles.

F

People love grapes

That was my first thought, feeding ducks out of your back door is a good way to end up with poop all over your patio.

TIL Muscovy ducks wag their "tails" when they're happy

Most ducks have shorter tails but they'll waggle them to settle their feathers

The hind lick might work!

I am Karl, king of Ducks

I like grapes but i'm not a duck so i cannot confirm

Why not doritoes🤔

Got any grapes

Die.

King of Ducks

Aren't they always shitting?

Hold on...

.... til' the very next day...

Some birds don't fly south and actually hang out through the winter! At least where I am we have chickadees all winter long

The duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand

Wow my dog did not like that.

How did a duck eat a duckling? Do they have teeth? I didn't know they could eat meat.

Hello, can we take some of your time to talk about our Lord and Savior Donald Duck?

This isn't the time for wise quacks

Dogs hate grapes

I mean really, i thought that was obvious.

If they break anything you can put it on their... BILL!!!!