My wife would get up every time with our infant daughter. On the weekend nights I would help since I didn't have to be up at 5am. Twice I woke up around 2-3am with my wife crying next to me, and baby crying in the other room. I asked what was wrong and she said, , "I just can't get her to sleep and I didn't want to wake you and I tried everything and I'm going crazy and I feel bad that you're awake now and I don't know what to do!" I laughed a little, gave her a hug, and told her to wake me before she goes crazy next time and went to spend a couple hours with my baby before work so my wife could sleep.
She has always been(and wanted to be) a stay at home mom, sometimes it just gets overwhelming. You've got a good one there.
Except for that scumbag baby, that is.
You have a good thing going there.
What the heck with the negative comments, it's a person doing a nice deed for their significant other. What a sweetheart.
I'm a stay at home dad to two small kids and it's hard as hell. The sleep deprivation is a nightmare because you're up all night and when they are sleeping during the day, you still have to get stuff done. It's taken a MASSIVE toll on me. I'm now on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and blood pressure meds. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be
You have a great wife. Mine is doing the same thing now, with the exception that I get up at 5 now to take the kids for 2 hours before getting ready for work. So she can at least get 2 hours. I make up for it on the weekend, though I do work every Saturday morning as well.
I was only able to take 5 days consecutive off. But I was also able to do considerable work from home for 2 weeks. The US isn't exactly paternity leave friendly.
And not sure how many of the commenters have kids. I do agree that this is what people "are supposed to do". But it's easier said than done. My new kid (we have a 2.5 year old) doesn't sleep well. It's not easy at 3 am when the infant has been awake since midnight and not sleeping.
"look it's broken, the alarm keeps going off on this thing. How do we stuff it back in there?"
Man, I've never heard that side of it from a SAHD. They're usually sounding like it's all sunshine and rainbows and the best life ever. Your experience sounds more realistic. Thank you for working so hard for them though! It will be worth it. Take care of yourself.
I think you and the wife need to have a conversation. You can't do anything well when you are that overwhelmed.
Mondays are always the hardest, returning to the office after spending the weekend with my son (he is now 3). One Monday afternoon, when he was about 4 months old, I was sitting at working thinking, "I wish I could just hold him, I can't wait to get home tonight so I can see him." That night, he started screaming and crying at 2am. Begrudgingly, I get out of bed and start rocking him. After sitting there for a few minutes, tired and knowing I have to be up in a few hours for work...it suddenly all became clear: in that moment, I was at home holding my son...which is exactly what I wanted just 12 hours earlier. I never looked at getting up in the middle of the night the same way again. Of course I didn't want to actually get out of bed when I heard crying, but once I had him in my arms, I enjoyed every minute of it...no matter the time.
Now make sure to reciprocate some night! 50/50 makes for happier parents :)
I know. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I hear all these stories of guys who seem to be living their dream. I really envy them and their ability to keep it all together. Maybe the workload is different in their households or something. I'm usually up a few times throughout the night, get up at 5:30-6:00, I'm alone with the kiddos from 7:00am-7:00pm( in which I take care of all meals/shopping/errands/cleaning/entertainment), then I get to mow the lawn/take out trash/clean the kitchen/wash dishes and bottles/bathe the kids/get them ready for bed. Then I get a guilt trip from the wife about not going to the gym after they go to bed (around 9:30) and how I'm not taking care of myself. I'm dead exhausted by then and really, the only time I get to myself shouldn't be stressful exertion. I just want to veg out and browse reddit.
Housekeeper once a week. It's not pricey and can relieve some of the weekly chores that are time consuming.
Shake it a few times. It'll stop.
Uh, don't shake the baby.
I was really worried about the "dick stuck in" part, but I'm glad you didn't say it.
Jealousy and the large anti-kid movement on reddit.
Part of it is lack of a partner, lack of funds, and educated and aware of the overpopulation problem combined with being young and impacted by it. And then there's /sub/incels
I don't know if it will help, but after 6 kids I've learned a few tricks that can help get them to sleep at night.
1)check the baby's bedroom and body temperature. Newborns have trouble maintaining their own body tempurature and can have trouble sleeping if they get too cold or too hot.
2)try wrapping the child up snug like a burrito. Remember they were snugly pressed on all sides while in the womb. Replicating that snug sensation can sometimes help. Try a "blanket" that is thin but larger than those "recieving" blankets so that you can get it wrapped around enough times that it won't unwrap easily.
3) if your child is having trouble passing gas (common with newborns) try laying them on their back, then press their thighs up to their stomachs. If you're doing it right the baby will look as though you're trying to touch their toes to their nose. Be gentle and don't hold them in that position for more than a moment, but if they have any gas trapped in their bowels this can help them pass it easily.
4)if you've tried driving them in the car and they'll sleep only if you're continuously driving, try replicating the sensations. We had one child who would only sleep in her car seat, with recorded sounds of the car in motion, while resting on the running (vibrating) dryer.
5) some baby's have trouble sleeping at night after being awake all day. You can try keeping them awake by wiping them down with cool cloths in the last 4 hours before you plan to sleep.
6)it can also help to hold them with their head close to your heart. With their ear to your chest you can help replicate what they would have heard in the womb. It may be hard to get any sleep for the adult this way though. Not recommended for adult light sleepers or if you tend to toss and turn in your sleep.
I literally have no idea how my mother didn't just drown me in a bath tub one day. I didn't sleep through the night until I started kindergarten. I just wanted to do things. I wanted to color or read or build. Eventually my parents turned them cuddling with me into a reward for me somehow, where one of them would come sleep in my bed with me if I stayed there too. I think it was their way of trying to make sure they got some sleep.
My parents are my best friends now. They worked their asses off for the three of us kids and now we're all almost through school. I'd do anything for them. They sacrificed so much for my siblings and me and are still sacrificing. I regret every teenage "I hate you!" And "you're the worst!" And "you're ruining my life!" ...oh How I wish I knew then... I hope my appreciation now for them makes it all seem at least a little worth it. When I have children I'd love to be even half the parent that mine were.
We have and do have these conversations almost every week. Her job requires a huge amount of focus, detail and accuracy and I see this as my job. I'm struggling, yes. However, we are actively trying different things to make both of our lives easier. We just haven't gotten it right yet.
Add another child into the mix. I'm a stay at home mother of two toddlers (2&3 years) and when our second was a newborn I had NO chances to nap or rest or even prepare myself a hot meal. My husband might have had to work in the morning, but him helping out a bit was essential to me keeping any sort of sanity I had. I was to the point of hallucinating from lack of sleep between an 11 month old who was going through a sleep regression and a newborn who needed to eat every 2-3 hours.
There's a reason the 50s had groups of mom's hanging out at each other's houses. Men need the same support if they are staying at home. We are pack animals.
Wtf?! 6 weeks?! I got two days! Lol.
Breaks my heart to read about how hard it is for new parents in the US. I'm Norwegian, and I just became an uncle last year. My sister in law stayed home for the first 6 months (with paid maternity leave), and I believe my brother stayed home for the first 4 week (paid paternity leave) as well.
Then after 6 months, my brother took out the rest of his paternity leave, so 5 months at home paid, while my sister in law slowly eased back into work.
We just celebrated my nieces 1st birthday, and I am really happy to know that both parents could divide their time the way they chose, and make sure one was always home with my niece, without financial collapse.
Yep. we have twins. just hit 20 months. It has been the most joyful and difficult time of my life. I think the difficulty really depends on how much help you have. We moved away from family so we are on our own.
Staying home with kids isn't a vacation. I'm not about to have my wife running errands on no sleep, especially not with our kids in the car. Car accidents are the #1 killer of kids 15 and under.
Net neutrality, man. I'll see myself out
Yup. Beautiful country we have here...
No it doesn't and don't call me Shirley.
You had an arrangement except that you wore earplugs, ensuring your wife would wake up and have to wake you up too?
What my buddy did was have his friend/s over once a week or 2 to help out for a bit, and paid them in a 6-pack of beer or something. 10 bucks every once in a while for some assistance or peace of mind/sleep while your kid is young can be so helpful.
Ya. A bit late to change my mind now.
Yeah. Let's not forget though. Also nice to see functioning relationships examples -- like wholesome memes.
I work, my wife mostly is a stay at home mom. I want to smack anyone who says to any stay at home parents "so you don't work". I work more on the weekend when I try to take care of the little guy and let the wife get some rest, than any work day.
No, it's not typical, at least in the US. I know other countries have a lot more than us though. I got 1 week for my work, and they let me use 2 more of my PTO consecutively that I had saved up.
She works really hard and deals with a lot of stress all day. I know she resents the fact that I spend all day with them and she's seen as the "B-parent". When she gets home, she takes over the child care while I take care of the bigger tasks around the house. We understand the dynamic and the sacrifices each of us have made and we're trying to figure it out as we go. I hope I'm not painting her in a bad light. She's a great wife and mother and has given up a lot to provide our family with everything we have.
Your wife sounds amazing. A friendly public reminder: don't think of her as SuperWoman, or she may believe that is what you expect. Appreciate her, thank her, and find ways to reciprocate her generosity.
As mom of a little guy and wife to a wonderful husband, I had to learn the hard way to ask for support and help. I quietly suffered through postpartum depression, believing that I couldn't show weakness and that my role was to be the family glue. It took a breakdown for my husband to realize that my SuperMom facade was just that.
I've been there. It's so incredibly hard. My younger son woke up 5-6 times every single night from age 4 months to age 10 months. I was breastfeeding, so I'd have to get up and feed him, go back to sleep for an hour or two, then do it all again five more times prior to my alarm going off, getting my older son ready for school, then heading off to work. I was a total mess. I cried all the time, would fall asleep while pumping and therefore be late to my next meeting, lost my temper with my staff, snapped at my husband and three-year-old constantly, and eventually got to the point where I was saying that it would be better to be dead than keep living this way. That's when I wound up in my psychiatrist's office with a prescription for antidepressants to just help me survive.
There's a reason that the CIA uses sleep deprivation as an "enhanced interrogation technique". That kind of torture will break you. It does eventually get better (although my now two-year-old is still a pretty shitty sleeper), but those kinds of platitudes don't help much when you're in the trenches. Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. Hire someone to watch the kids for a few hours occasionally so you can take a nap. Do whatever you have to do in order to also take care of yourself. That whole "it takes a village" mantra sounds so cliche, but it's the truth.
Hang in there. We're all in this together.
Im lucky enough to go to work at 930, and I'm a night owl anyway. So when he was a newborn, I would stay up, play games, reddit, whatever, and take care of him as he needed it. Then I went to bed about 130ish, and it was my wife's shift, since she is much better in the morning. She went to sleep at about 10 or so, got as much sleep as she could, and it actually worked pretty well. We were both getting about 6 hours of sleep a night, enough to get us through the day.
Of course, living in the US, I got to take two days of PTO after the boy was born, then got to go back to the office...
Just gonna throw it out there, you might be the land of the brave and home of the free. But y'all motherfuckers need to give your women 6 months paid maternity leave like the rest of us
Umm isn't this what normal couples meant to do? Take care of each other.
I think it's three things.
First people used to have more support. Like many people used to have family to help, but now more people are without nearby family(for example I live in Seattle area but all my family and inlaws are on the east coast). Neighbors are less close, people just tend to be more hands off with eachother. Some people wouldn't want to offend someone by swooping in to help because you may contradict and offend their parenting style.
Which leads to the second issue, I feel like there are so many types of parents and people are seriously judgmental about each type. The whole "you do you". "To each their own" yadda yadda. It has people not wanting to help eachother. It has many people not wanting help from others because of the lack of control. There are so many ideas on right and wrong, I think many parents are stressing over making sure they are doing everything correctly. A lot of conventional methods to help sooth a kid now have research that suggest it can be harmful in the long term.
I mean everything now a days has negative research results. And so many people are getting caught up in all this, breast milk v formula, pacifier or thumb, crib v cosleep, when to introduce solid, etc etc. no one wants to be judged as a bad parent and no one wants to mess their kid for life, so they get carried away. And a lot of parenting is so much harder if you try to follow every little thing.
And lastly I think raising children was probably always hard, but it was not as socially acceptable to discuss it. I imagine many women were afraid to vocalize their struggles or ask for help. Husbands used to be a lot less involved so thats a large population that would not be talking about it. Now people are more open to admitting their worries, troubles, and fears. Especially with social media, youtube, etc there are so many more outlets for people to get this message out and more people chiming in about it. With a larger voice it seems things have changed, when really there is only a greater awareness.
Edit: paragraphs added. Sorry, phone typing is difficult enough for me, I often forget to add formatting.
Hey! 20 month old twins girls here too. The first 9 months were a nightmare. The worst experience of my life. I loved them but I hated them. They didn't sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time until about 10 months. When one woke to feed, the other woke a few moments after we out the other down. It was literally non stop all night. And one would scream bloody murder every time. Then one day they decided to sleep through the night. 7 - 7. That was the turning point for us.
Sleep deprivation was the only thing making me hate everything about them. It's still ridiculous now. They fight and bite. Beg for attention if the other is getting it. Going out alone is near impossible. But they are amazing to watch grow. And I get sleep now. I would rather starve then not sleep.
My MIL convinced my husband to not help me with our babies..they're now 4 and 5, I'm with them 24/7 and it's been this way the whole time. If I get sick, that's too bad because I have the "luxury" of being a stay-at-home mom. He works, that's his only responsibility to the family. He goes out with his friends, goes skydiving, even took up a new hobby (kickboxing) 2 weeks after our second baby was born. I was recovering from a C-section and I was expected to be the sole care giver to our 1-year-old and our newborn. It was hell on me physically, mentally and emotionally. There were times I couldn't hold it together and broke down sobbing only to be chastised for being a "drama queen". I feel like I wasn't present for my kids' early years even though I was present because I was hanging on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth, just trying to survive..I picked the wrong family to marry into, just found out about it way too late. Y' know the saying "Don't fuck crazy"? Seriously, don't fuck crazy..and don't start a family with someone that was raised by crazy, either..it'll only end badly. The only reason I didn't commit suicide was because I knew my kids would be raised by that asshole family and turn into assholes themselves.
And it doubles as social time! Time which is probably dearly missed, even if it's not something you think about. Sounds like an excellent idea, as long as those brews don't go immediately and stuff actually gets completed.
PPD + Colic = the fucking worst few months of my life. My kiddo and I did not get off to a great start. It pisses me off to no end that nobody braces you for that, that nobody braced me for that, and I've definitely tried being pretty honest with other new parents about it. You feel so alone, so shit for not being enough, shit for it happening with you, crazy, just miserable... it's a lot. And a really, really vicious cycle- lack of sleep makes it even harder, etc.
New parents- if this sounds like what's up for you, please don't hesitate to ask your people for help. A good friend and his wife just had a second, and she was struggling big time with PPD, and he was trying really hard with work and his wife but it was a lot... my kiddo is 8 now, and I can't have more. I had no problem keeping their new little girl for a night, staying up with her rocking and singing. They got 10 hours of sleep, showers, an entire hot meal in peace, and came back better parents for it. Sometimes, we all need a little recharge. As parents, we've all been there. We have to support one another more. Please ask. If you really have no one you can ask to watch your baby and it gets to be too much, clear out the crib or playpen, put them inside, and let them scream while you go outside for a breather. Your baby will be fine. Leave them somewhere safe and step away for a few minutes. You've got this, you're doing better than you think, and you aren't alone. <3
You sound like an amazing parent. The quiet middle of the night moments are ones I'll hold close. But I cant lie, I love that she sleeps through the night now.
You need to start saving to leave him. Now.
Actually no, you need to leave him. Now.
Mental health of the mother, safety of the kid, and marital health matter too. Waking up a night or two for 15-60 mins isn't going to ruin a job. Naps aren't always possible. And communication between parents are key.
While I don't have children yet myself, many of my close family members do. My cousins with a one year old recently both got into a running habit, and they have been a noticeably different people. I think it's been a whole lifestyle adjustment on their part- from having the baby initially and learning to handle that to trying to be more complete in taking care of themselves and the baby. They credit running for a lot of stress relief and self care though.
In my personal life, my mental health did a complete 180 when I got a work out routine going. I of course don't have the responsibility of another human life, but nevertheless, the struggle is still always "where do I fit this in," my struggle just isn't as severe. I do a bunch of the T-25 videos myself. It's just a half hour, I play my own music through it now that I have the videos basically memorized. I really can't say enough good things about using T-25 to make sure I'm getting a work out a day in. The fact that they're a half hour, I get my heart rate up, I'm stretching, I'm using my body, I feel really good. I have more energy when I work out.
I realize in a thread about kids my comments don't carry a lot of weight, but physical exertion is something I've noticed change my life and my cousins lives.
the only time I get to myself shouldn't be stressful exertion
You'd be surprised how much stress relief you actually get from working out. Get some home gym equipment so you don't have to leave. It doesn't have to be much. Maybe just a treadmill or stationary bike. Get 30 minutes of alone time jamming out to some tunes while getting some cardio.
I'm currently living and working in the United States with six months of paid maternity leave. My husband is a stay at home dad. Essentially we are both home with our newborn son for six months. It's been fabulous.
We are the exception in America, but an example that some private employers in America provide good benefits to their employees. Europe has the better legal and social model generally, I'd say.
Good of them to let you alleviate their accrued liability.
Is 6 weeks off work for paternity leave typical?
You know, I've worked labor intensive jobs since I was 15 and I'm very comfortable at work and working hard when there is a clear goal and conclusion. Being a SAHD is like semi-controlled chaos most days and there is really no end game in sight. I'm sure there are guys out there that thrive as SAHDs, but I'm just not one of them. It's hard for me to admit that which is why I'm on anti-anxiety meds. I was always the go-to guy at work and have won a few employee of the year award in various positions, so admitting failure or struggle with parenting is a real downer
No. 2 is a very good tip! Have two 3 week old twin boys and they sometimes have cramps after feeding. Nothing you can do about it, and they cry like their lives depend on it. Wrap them up in a blanket (I call them my Kakunas (Pokémon)) and they calm down immediately and the cramps also get less.
Also don't worry about wraping them too tight, your gut will tell you if it is too hard or not. They should not be able to move their hands when wrapped.
I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just from the comment about going to the gym. It's possible she may just be concerned for his health, not necessarily just after a great body.
My last girlfriend would (try to) remind me not to over eat. Not because she cared about my figure (which wasn't that great to begin with) but because she cared about my health. She also reminded me to brush my teeth and get my doctor check ups. Honestly, since I broke up with her (for unrelated reasons) I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and I wish I had listened to her more often.
Point is, we can't judge his entire relationship from one small glimpse of his life.
My 4th only got solid sleep in the car and when you've gone weeks without sleep you don't mind leaving the dryer and ipod on all night anymore. You get desperate. Obviously though the longest dryer cycles last only an hour and a half so yes they can end up used to sleeping in a carseat, not a big problem, and eventually they get used to waking up and falling back to sleep even though the dryer quit hours before, and as for the ipod you slowly just turn the volume down little by little each night.
If you shake a baby more than twice you're just playing with it
With my first daughter (way back in the 1990's) there was a group of stay at home dads I joined. I was a third shift worker, one dad owned a bar, one guy was a hospital nurse and the others were full time stay at home dads. We all had kids at home during the day.
It was a great group and we would help with projects around the house (painting, repairs, etc) and a once a month boys night out.
Expectation Management. Some things are not important or necessary everyday. Wow it down and and discuss what she expects. Dies she care of clothes are folded and put away or is a clean laundry pole good enough?
My 3rd child was weird and loved it so much even when he began to walk and talk he would still insist on being wrapped up to go to sleep. Literally bring the blanket lay it out on the floor in front of me and lay on it waiting for me to wrap him and carry him that way to bed.
At my job, all (paid) time off comes from the same bucket. Sick, vacation, personal, it all comes from the same place. I accrue hours every paycheck, and can use them when I please. The two days I did take off came out of that bucket, and I would have taken more, but I hadn't accrued quite enough to do so.
So if your job is to care for the baby, you should just be on 24/7? That's kinda ridiculous. If you're a stay at home parent, you take more night shifts but it's not reasonable, healthy, or fair to be doing all of them.
Maybe the workload is different in their households or something
Or maybe they're full of shit. I'm a SAHM, and I'm friends with other SAHM's. All of us aren't afraid of saying to each other that it or parts of it suck balls on a regular basis. I quite simply don't believe people who claim it's the best thing ever. They either have a shitload of help or are lying through their teeth or are utterly delusional.
To be fair, as a dad at my company I get 6 weeks at 100% pay in the US. While it's pretty rare, it's absolutely possible to find companies that do that.
There are ways to help out that enables both parents to share the work and only inconvenience both slightly.
For example, my wife would use a breast pump to supply milk. I would take some milk from the fridge and put it in our bottle warmer while my wife would breast pump. I change baby and bottle is now warm. I feed baby. I burp baby while rocking baby in the chair. Baby is now back to sleep. Wife happens to get done at the same exact time. We both go to sleep and we only lost 20-30 minutes.
Cue the alternative and my wife now has to change, feed, burp baby, then use a breast pump (both my kids had difficulty with breast feeding) meaning she's looking closer to an hour of work before she can go back to sleep. It's now much harder for her to go to sleep where she'll have to do it again in 1-3 hours.
So what was "fair" ends up being completely unfair. And It's like you said, "but if you're working that's not fair." Who do you think works at home while I'm at my work? My wife. She's taking care of the baby, taking care of house chores, cooks dinner before I get home from work. That is her work and it's only fair that she's also rested for it.
Please stop, my anxiety can only take so much.
You guys are doing a great job. Make no mistake, you're in some of the hardest years of your life right now. It really is hard, it's not just you. It gets easier in so many ways. Not just because the kids get easier, but because you get better at it. Hang in there.
Directions unclear, accidentally shook all the beer.
As a mom, I can save up my vacation time and use it in addition to sick leave after giving birth..
This is such a beautiful example of teamwork in your marriage. I'm happy for you as a couple.
Well, we bang other people on occasion. Lol. So even though we wear protection when we do, better safe than sorry.
And at least 6 weeks paternity leave. For bonding, sanity, and getting at least some sleep. I was useless at work for a couple weeks.
Honest question: many people here talking about the US & only getting 2 days off: can you not use some "standard" vacation days to stay some more time at home?
You're trying and you care. You are not failing.
I really try to have a schedule but my 4 year old is like a jack rabbit on speed and her attention is incredibly short. We have small lessons throughout the day and meals are usually on a routine schedule. My other daughter is 11 months and her schedule is finally starting to solidify. I keep telling myself that it'll get better once my 4 year old starts school. Right now, it's my light at the end of the tunnel.
The really weird part was that he could fall asleep anywhere as long as he was wrapped. We could be in the middle of the grocery store, I'd wrap him up and lay him in the cart and he'd just konk right out. People gave me the strangest looks and I had to train every baby sitter and nursery worker the trick of how to wrap him.
They're not called SAHD for nothing!
And you know what? For most people it doesn't. For most people you just survive until all your kids are about five or six. You're right, it doesn't work. And for the most part there's no way to make it so.
Sound like good people. Thank you for sharing!
This is my exact same story. My wife is a good one, but I always hear how husbands (usually) are expected to share duties at night with their wives while they also work. Theoretically it doesn't make sense because you have to go to work the next day, whereas the one staying home, has opportunities to nap. But in practice, it's better if you make yourself available in just such a situation. Good job dad.
As someone who just went through this, that is easier said than done.
That's different, but thanks for letting me know what I'm in for ( my wife would like another). Sounds like hell, thanks for preparing me and thank you for being such a great mom.
That's one of my biggest fears. When my daughters go to school and I reenter the workforce, how will I be able to do all this and work a full time job. We'll cross that bridge when we get there though. I will say though, I was raised with my two siblings by my single mother and I have no idea how she did it. I have nothing but the utmost respect for single parents making it work. Those are some strong, strong people.
Reddit is mostly single males...what'd you expect?
Wow didn't know about that sub. I feel sympathy for them, because some of them sound genuinely depressed. How pathetic are those people that make fun of their situation.
I have an elliptical in the basement and as much as I sometimes want to say fuck it, it does generally make me feel better. I set a realistic goal of doing a "mile" without ever taking more than one day off in between workouts. My wife sometimes rolls her eyes when I tell her it's a workout day when it clashes with her plans but I'm going on 1.5 years without an inexcusable lapse. "I'm on vacation" or "I'm traveling for work" doesn't cut it. As long as there's a workout room and there isn't a medical emergency or debilitating sickness I keep plugging away. Now that we've got a baby, it's therapeutic. It's a constant in my life that keeps me grounded. It's a time for quiet reflection.
Hey man.. everyone needs a little time off. I work in a stressful job as well, and I have to take time. I'm not very effective if I'm stressed, anxious, agitated, etc. Not sure on your income or family situation but you might consider a trusted nanny that could come for just a couple hours a couple times a week to give you a little time to get out of the house - maybe go to the gym (exercise will help with your depression and stress)
At some point all you care about is sleeping a few consecutive hours. The 'end game' is no where in sight.
We're having a baby in a few months. Not looking forward to this at all.
50/50 when one parent stays home should mean sharing responsibilities when all parties are in the house. Your wife sounds like an amazing mother. It sounds like you guys found what works for you and your wife has some personal time on the weekends. As a working mom, I think it is a much more difficult job staying home. I think SAHP deserve more credit and shouldn't have to carry the burden of a 24 hour job and the working parent only a 10 hour day. It's a balance and communication is key to make it work.
Is there something going awry in evolution or society or something that raising children is a nightmare for the first three years? Why is it that having infants is akin to losing sanity? Has it always been like that or have infant temperaments changed? I'm not a parent (quite clearly) so it seems awfully strange that raising an infant seems THAT difficult. No other species seems to have that much difficulty raising young where they're routinely losing their minds in the most literal sense.
I mean it just sounds bizarre that taking medication to make infant parenthood bearable. Doesn't seem right.
Edit: my goodness, thank you so much for actually making some very informative responses. I was afraid I would get met with down votes and sarcasm for asking a "stupid question."
My mom ran an in home daycare when I was little. Her solution to bad weather in winter was to have us kids race each other in the yard. She takes in foster kids now and even if it's just one kid she'll get him or her hyped to run outside to show how fast they are. If you have a yard it might work to help kids get some energy out, my mom's been using it with good results for over 20 years now with well over 20 different kids across the years.
Any decent person wouldn't just expect something like that from anyone, significant other or not. Are you employing them to do good deeds? No, they're making a choice to make a small self sacrifice for the betterment of you. That should always be cherished, but never expected.
I understand you're pointing out how people are thinking, not necessarily how you yourself think. Good thoughts, cheers.
Yes, my thoughts exactly. Do you have anyone who can help you? Sprint out the door. You have one life, make the best of it.
Aww, that's sweet.
Your baby sounds like an asshole, though.
You're literally working for free for the second 6 weeks?
If your kids are taking a nap at the same time every day, try your very hardest to nap at the same time. That's the advice given to new mothers and you should take it as well since you're watching the kids. There's nothing so important that needs to be done during the day that you can't put it off until they're asleep for the night or playing. Plus some stuff like organizing & major cleaning can be put off until your spouse is there to help too. You will feel so refreshed and so much better after an hour long nap every day. I sleep around 1 PM when my baby sleeps and I honestly don't know how I'd function if I didn't since I'm up with her repeatedly throughout the night.
It's never too late bro.
Not in the US. Most civilised countries have much better setups though.
Upvoted you. Yeah I will be taking the majority of the night duties when I'm a mum because I won't be working. (At this stage he can support us all plus good maternity leave in my country) If I was working I'd expect him to take half. If he wasn't working and I was I'd expect him to take most. A relief is good but so is someone being able to function at work is important
Wow. It sounds like your wife doesn't fully appreciate all that you do for her/the kids. It's almost as if she resents you in a way. She may imagine that you staying home all day instead of working like she does is easy and fun. I hope things get better for you but also for your marriage if that's how things are going.
I had ADHD as a kid. I was super hyper. My dad would sit on the front porch, drink a beer with his friends, and tell me to run around the property line perimeter as fast as I could while he timed me. As soon as I finished he'd be like good now see if you can do it faster. I thought it was the best game ever and it tired me out enough that my dad was able to make it through my childhood without shooting me.
It's funny that people always suggest to nap when the child naps. It does sound great in theory but things don't always play out that way. If I napped when my daughter napped I wouldn't get anything done around the house. Also, not every child naps well. Just because someone doesn't go to work and log hours on a time sheet doesn't mean that it's a piece of cake staying home and raising a child. It's not a job to be a parent, it's what you do. You make sacrifices because that's what being a parent means, and working together makes that so much easier even if it doesn't seem "fair".
In Canada you get 9 mo. And you can choose how to split in between you. So if the mom is a stay at home, dad gets 9 mo.
Newborns cry to be fed as often as every hour and a half. If the mother is breastfeeding, that means she may never even enter REM sleep before she gets another call for the boob that dad gets to sleep through. You're acting as though stay at home moms can just nap to recover when that is not how sleep works. In your proposed situation, the working parent gets a full night's sleep while the stay at home parent has their sleep interrupted too often to even count as real sleep.
I feel like u would hace more opportunity to nap at work than at home with a kid. Lol.
I hope you aren't joking because I believe this is true. If you start measuring everything and holding back it just isn't going to work out.
Totally heard. Thank you for being there. I feel like I do all that and than hold down a full time job. We just do what we can for the kids.
There's a big difference between having a full nights sleep and having 30 minute naps a few times a day.
At some point I was so exhausted from lack of sleep, I couldn't even fall asleep any more. I saw things moving, heard my daughter crying in the other room even if she was asleep on top of me... Not healthy at all.
Also, when a baby sleeps as a stay at home mom you have to always choose how you want to spend those 20 or 30 minutes. Eat? Cook? Do dishes? Shower? Maybe even poop?
I'm not saying it should always be 50/50 with the waking up at night, but the least the working partner can do is take the early shift so that the stay at home partner can have minimum 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep (say from 8 till 2 or so), at least a few days a week...
Going for the double whammy just in case?
Thanks for the tips. I'll have to check that out. We take a small walk to our neighborhood park a few mornings during the week, but right now afternoons aren't really doable. The temps are around 100-105 and although my daughter loves to be outside, my youngest can't handle that level of heat. Fall will be great though. Can't wait! Haha
My wife did this after i went back to work for a week. She is a saint!
Cosleeping was the only way I kept my sanity. I waited for two months though because they were just too small for me to feel comfortable with it. But once they were sturdier and out of the horrific cluster feeding stage, sleep was a heck of a lot easier.
The cluster feeding damn near killed me. They would feed every two hours during the day, but from 10pm to 6am they were both feeding constantly. If they dozed off, they would wake up as soon as I tried to set them down.
The day I decided to try cosleeping was the day I almost dropped the first one from sleep deprivation. I had fallen asleep during a feeding and I woke up as the baby slipped from my arms and almost fell from the bed. It was horrifying. We've been cosleeping ever since and we bought a king size bed just to accommodate everyone. The oldest one slowly transitioned to his own room and eventually the little one will too and I'll wonder how I'll ever fall asleep without a knee in my back or an elbow in my face.
Username checks out.
We had an arrangement. Baby woke up after 4?she was mine. I'd get her settled, back to sleep,and off to work by 6. Baby woke up after 10 ? My wife's. We each got about 6 hours of sleep a night.
I cheated... I wore earplugs to bed. My wake up call was the elbow. Whomp ! Baby's crying !
Mumble mumble coffee mumble.. Ever been so sleep deprived you put coffee in the baby bottle and formula in your coffee cup ? Yep...