Been depressed lately...

Been depressed lately...

Yup, I wouldn't kill myself, but if the opportunity presented itself where I could try to stop a bank robbery, and die a hero.

Well, I would be conveniently "heroic".

I feel more alive in my dreams than in the waking world.

welcome to the club. don't forget to try sleeping a lot which is basically a trial-run

I've been depressed and felt the same way in the past, but you'd be surprised at how much the will to survive takes over when you're facing your own mortality. Less than a year ago I was mugged by someone high as balls with a knife and he cut me up pretty bad, including a stab in my abdomen. Between the adrenaline and shock I sprinted away after I threw my wallet at him to buy me some time, and managed to bang on the locked doors of a police station before the fucker could finish me off. The following days after the hospital I had a new appreciation for what I had almost lost. You can have as many scenarios played in your head about how you'll go out in a random act of violence or crime as you want.. but the reality, I can assure you, is not what you would expect. I've been depressed on and off since but I'm not nearly as ready to die as I had thought I was before.

I relate to that. Waiting to be robbed at gunpoint so I can roll my eyes.

I've felt like this for years.

Years.

I've battled a ton of different things from the military to minor schizophrenia.

Every day for a long time I used to wake up and hope for a car accident. Maybe if I were killed. My kids would be taken care of. My life was fine but I was just a miserable sac.

In 2014 I finally got dumped by my wife and got cancer.

That was it. One day at my new sad ass apartment. I bought some plastic sheeting and some ammo for my 20 gauge. I was going to do it. On saturday. (I've never shared this so let's keep it between us)

Friday night I'm thinking about dying and I decided to make myself a delicious meal to send myself off.

Deer tenderloin. Homemade bacon Mac n cheese. Brussel sprouts and squash. It was perfect. I thought Saturday I'd like to make some homemade pizza. So I'd have to put my plans off til Sunday. Well Sunday I'd get to hang out with the kids so may as well just wait til Monday.

Then Monday morning it kind of hit me. Yeah I still feel like dying. And that the world would be better without me. But who cares. I can literally do whatever I want. I can go buy a BMW. Drive it like hell and then return it. I can open a book. Read it. Then go on a conquest to find the author and make her explain why exactly Harry is the hero and where the fuck was peeves in the movies.

You can do whatever you want. What do you want to do tomorrow? Maybe there's a reason to live for just one more day. Just one. Then maybe another.

Fair winds friend.

EDIT: ok whoever gave me gold. Thanks! I think I should buy a lotto ticket.

Yep. There too OP. I don't want to hurt or hurt other people. But I can't keep doing this

I'm the same way, but I don't want to die. I just want to disappear. Away from the vastness of people. To be secluded in the woods with my dog where I can't bother or let people down any more.

Edit: Apparently this reply took off so I wanted to touch up on a few questions that keep popping up.

A few things keep me from doing this. My wife and kids for one. I love them to death and want to be there for them. To disappear from their lives would devistate them, then the whole reason to disappear follows me: Constantly thinking about what this has done to them. Same goes for my parents who I am very close to.

Then there is the debt that I have, someone will inherit it and then my life, or disappearance there of has become a burden to them.

Lastly, I enjoy people. I am a very social person and make friends easily everywhere. I do everything I can to help them even after all others have given up. The struggle comes when I don't do enough or do something that makes their lives harder. Any fight between my wife and I has come from this. I do something that makes her life a little harder (forgot to do something, did something wrong, etc). To her, it's something very minor that someone should easily be able to overcome. To do it right next time. For me, it becomes the end of the world. I don't mean to, but in that moment, I have made her life so much harder when I should be there to make her life easier, to help her ease the stress from a crazy work week or stressful kids. I do the same thing at work.

After I calm down, I know what I've done, I know it wasn't supposed to be a big deal, but by then, I've already blown the whole thing out of proportion. I absolutely hate letting people down. To me, that is the worst thing in the world. For a long time, I would do everything I could do to make other's lives easier or better, even if it damaged mine. I lived by, "the happiness of many is worth the sacrifice of one's." I have been trying to change that, but it's hard to see it any other way.

Edit2: And yes, I love camping and do it a lot, but you have to come back to reality some time.

I deliver beer for a living and a big scary guy told me to give him a case of beer. I stood still like 10 feet from the beer and said "Or what? You'll kill me? Less bills to pay in hell" and kept walking with my dolly full of beer. I half expected him to just grab a case and run away or attack me, but he walked away.

I had a dream last night that Jose from the youtube channel, teachingmensfashion, was going through my underwear and found that the crotch of them were stained like yellow brown.

I'd rather be awake than that dream.

And this may come off rude because I don't... word good... but I feel like that may have been good for you to see that. I hear about how people who commit suicide in a way such as jumping off a bridge remark how the second they jumped they realized they didn't want to do that. the depression clouds your mind to the point where it seems to be the only option but then instinct and clarity kick in when you try to go for it. So just imagine jumping, thinking "wait no, I don't actually want this" then dying anyway because your mind tricked you.

A nihilist? Fuck me, say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, but at least its an ethos!

Same

A lot of times what people want is change, and it's easier to imagine nothing than it is to go back to the drawing board and create a new vision of themselves or what they want to achieve.

More than that, sometimes their vision depended on a person or a circumstance, and those things change.

Even if you don't word good, letting people know that what they view as the only path forward is just one of many, and their fate may change drastically and positively because of it, is still a good thing and it's good for people to hear.

I want to give all of you a hug, make you some comfort food, and spend the evening interspersing telling you how awesome you are with small talk about silly shit.

That's an interesting concept for a sci-fi short story. Depressed people clone themselves so they can die without affecting their loved ones but the clone is still depressed and repeats the cycle after a while.

Need a clone to take over your depressing life so you can die without any hard feeling of others.

Did 8 years in the army looking for that moment. Now I mostly play Zelda and drink boxed wine. Not sure what happened to my life.

A year ago I made plans to kill myself tomorrow, 7/17/2017. My plan was to probably just idle my car in the garage with a hose attached to the exhaust, or find a cliff somewhere. I spent the last four days helping family out cleaning about eight hours, or more, a day. Too tired to go through with it tomorrow. I might just procrastinate in it at this point. Things aren't as bad as a year ago. And I suppose I'm dying anyway, so why rush it. Maybe something good will happen.

Ty for reminding me renegade

Please visit /sub/suicidewatch and call a local helpline.

I hope things turn around for you OP.

And you realize at the end that the original you read about was also a clone the whole time?

Ah yes, the noble death. There should be an /sub/nobledeaths

Honestly I think this is probably an attainable goal, not easily of course but it could very realistically happen. Not sure if you'd enjoy the reality of it as much as the thought of it may seem though...

It's from this movie clip, loosely

Go back to school.

Go to the gym.

Start wood working / leather working. A hobby using your hands.

Read a book.

Read two books.

Go on a hike.

Volunteer at the dog shelter.

Read another book.

Watch a comedy.

Say hi to that cute guy / girl.

Delete social media.

Go on a bike ride.

Go on a road trip.

Go camping.

Sign up for a cooking class.

Set goals.

Go to the gym.

Keep. Fucking. Moving.

That's the key.

edit

I also recommend these four movies :

It's Kind of a Funny Story (about a kid trying to commit suicide, amazing movie, not a final solution to his issue but one hell of a good start to his recovery)

Yes Man Story about a man going from depression to finding life again.

Joe Somebody Same.

Stranger than Fiction Same.

edit 2 a lot of criticizing towards me trying to help with what helped me. I'd rather be trying to help the person than the referee calling foul shots. I'd rather be on the field trying to play the sport than the fan criticizing the players.

I felt that way for years. One of my friends gave me an old skateboard and thats what pulled me out of the pit. Just having one thing to wake up, work at, and improve on broke the seemingly never ending cycle of sadness/indifference. I'm not saying you should skateboard too, (you could!) but just pick up a hobby of any kind and throw yourself into it. I know it seems impossible because I once felt exactly the way you do. But just take steps towards something, anything, and better days will come.

Lol I actually think about this a lot. Like, 1-I'm way more broke than you (the robber) and need my $10 more than you do, plus 2- I'd almost prefer you to pull the trigger anyway, you ready to kill someone today?

i'm an artist and i rarely actually have the ability to imagine or create. I can draw what i see or what i know that i like but i can't just.. fabricate something entirely new.. but in my dreams there are so many gorgeous things.  i managed to remember one of the robo-alien women in my dream and drew her and immediately felt such fucking turmoil when i showed some stranger and they asked me if i had anything more like this.  I don't.

i'm an artist and i rarely actually have the ability to imagine or create. I can draw what i see or what i know that i like but i can't just.. fabricate something entirely new.. but in my dreams there are so many gorgeous things. i managed to remember one of the robo-alien women in my dream and drew and immediately felt such fucking turmoil when i showed some stranger and they asked me if i had anything more like this. I don't.

Honestly thinking about working 9-5 for a life doesn't appeal to me and makes me want to not be alive anymore

I live in constant pain every day and have this thought often.

A guy who had jumped from top floor of a 7 floor building but landed on the fire dept inflatable balloon said that he regretted his action so bad when he was on his way down and wished for take backsies. I guess people who don't have the inflatable just scream their way down. Will to live.

Wtf bro. Spoilers. But yeah that sounds like a perfect black mirror episode

https://imgur.com/Ulz0Gmg

Please reconsider. I'm not hete to lecture you about suicidal tendencies, I don't care myself either.

But keep in mind that having an angry anxious robber shoot you is not the best way to ensure death. You could wake up in a wheelchair with a severed spine, or a damaged brain, making your life even shittier than before and maybe preventing you from even attempting to end it.

Well, I feel like if there was anyone that should found /sub/nobledeaths it should be you.

If you need any mods, I would gladly sign up.

I have references.

I wind up finding myself in life or death situations way more than the average person ought to. I've also been deeply suicidal for many years.

This phenomenon you are describing is 100% very real and upsetting.

Every single time I've survived a brush with death where the wrong move would have gotten myself killed I'm beyond rage and so angry at myself for not thinking of just letting myself get killed after the fact. It's a few minutes afterwards once my hands stop shaking, my heart stops pounding, and my mind actually opens up to thought again that I realize that I had wasted an opportunity to end my life in such an easy and convenient way.

There's just something about instinct and adrenaline taking over that leaves no time to think. It's interesting but I really resent it because they wouldn't think me so selfish if it looked like an accident.

It's like.... realizing there was an not too shabby escape route from the prison, but you escape in such a way where all the other prisoners don't hate you for leaving, like they normally would. You can get out other ways, but they would resent you for making their lives harder and while it sucks you're in prison you really don't want to make their burdens heavier. But you don't realize just how perfect and golden that moment was until it's too late and you can't take that way out and you're still just stuck here.

...and then you despair a little that you might really be trapped here for your full sentence and might never get out.

Also dude, keeping a rodent, within the city... that's not legal either.

It would be a sweet release. No one who cared would have to clean you up, call the appropriate authorities, or bear witness. I was pretty fucked up after having my baby. They recommended birth control, to help with hormones. It made things worse. Everyday I just wanted to... I don't know trip, fall, land in traffic. Something to happen so I didn't have to go on. 2 fucking years of that shit. My family was suffering, because I hated myself so much. It's unfair to the people who do care, but man! It seemed pretty fucking unfair to force myself to go on pretending like anything mattered to me. I got my birth control removed and it was like a veil was lifted. I could see the sun on my child's face and be thankful I didn't take his mother away from him in a fit of rage/sadness. I'm thankful to be alive now. I've lost 15lbs (or so) in the past 3 weeks since the birth control was removed. I got a job that pays enough I can save more for a future I didn't give a shit about a month ago. I won't claim I know what you're going through. Everyone's darkness is different. But I do know if you want to want, to be alive, you should try. It could be worth it. Or not, it's your life. But just stopping. Everything just stopping would've been welcomed by me. I'm glad I got myself straightened out tho.

I've been there. The worst is when you get addicted to the inner pain you feel when you're depressed. That deep, soulful, hurt that after a while feels good. You end up never getting help because you're addicted.

Hahah right? You wanna rob me of thousand of dollars of student loans I'm not even trying to pay AND credit card debt that will ensure I'll never be able to buy a house? Have at it!

Ps my dog is 140 lbs and can only eat the most expensive food have funnnnn

Not sure what happened to my life.

Military service and not getting deployed. At least if you join the Navy you go to sea. Army life can get hella boring.

so did you do it?

Watch Louis CK's newest standup on Netflix. Trust me, it's relevant and it'll cheer you up.

That is a thing that people do. It's called West Virginia.

I just woke up from a handmaids tale like dream (it's 5:30am here in Germany).

So i was in a train or bus with other kids on a trip and when i looked outside it was green everywhere, but TONS of animals, like huge flocks or sheep, fields full of cows, horses, basically the dreamplace where i lived was materialistically rich and wealthy as fuck. There was also a quick scene of an airplane field where high government officials where speeding away from the plane in a black car. I thought to myself; "wow it seems Germany accumulated a lot of wealth again, but it's also kind eery and lifeless".

Then some younger guy/child in my bus explained something to me, because i was kinda in distress and weirded out about this reality, at the end he said something unintelligeble to me, and i asked him if he just told me that we are the only children left in this world and he didn't answer and i shaked him and tried to get an answer, but he was dead. Then i woke up and went on reddit.

I bet there is a dream subreddit, i kinda love dreaming, so much stuff to contemplate. What if dreams are just different realities? Maybe our opposites gender reality, or the reality of our eternal soul mates. Or just one of millions of parallel universes we create in our sleep?

Duh.

Go do something crazy then.. I don't mean kill someone or rob a bank. I mean, go work at an outdoor retreat in Alaska for a summer. Go work on a cruise ship. Go teach English in Vietnam. Go join the Peace Corp. Go homeless and live on the beach. When you've got little to lose, you can risk almost anything.

I think talking to someone you love could be bad sometimes. Maybe talking to a stranger. I feel like someone you love would go for the "you need mental help let's get you checked in" route. I think a stranger would be more prone to listen.

I can literally do whatever I want. I can go buy a BMW. Drive it like hell and then return it. I can open a book. Read it. Then go on a conquest to find the author and make her explain why exactly Harry is the hero and where the fuck was peeves in the movies.

When you're really fucked is when you realize that kind of stuff no longer brings you joy.

Hahahaha like we could have true friends.

When depressed, your friends drop away. Nobody wants to be around a depressed person. They won't ever say this, they'll smile, nod, act interested. But over time their interest in your relationship declines whenever their pep talk doesn't cheer up your clinical depression.

Me too thanks. No, but really, me too.

I feel this... so so so sick of it all.

Why can't people understand folks like us? Always wanting to put us in hospitals or give us meds. We're not crazy. We just don't want to hang around here anymore.

I have never been happy. I've head about it but never really had it. The most peaceful times in my life have been in the woods hiking by myself. Nothing else works. I made a family and can't abandon them so I'll never get what I want.

It won't break my heart when this is all over. Edit : typo

I ended up calling for this first time in my life a week ago. I'm 28. Felt like this for most of my life. Some very messed up stuff happened to me that day, and I just needed someone to talk to. It helped, they just listened. Everyone I thought cared about me bailed. Mental illness drives away just about everyone. This shit sucks.

That's what I've been trying to wrap my head around since I started full time work last year, I do all of this shit, work my ass off and make enough money to pay my bills and have 3-5 fun weekends throughout the year, why the fuck would I do this until I'm 80, is this the grand "bright future" everyone preached at me when I was a kid? Is everybody else having fun in their life? Or is everyone else just as fucking miserable trying to put a bit of optimism in the next generation before they succumb to the same cycle of self loathing and disdain that they fell into?

Hey. This might not be helpful to you, but I just wanted to say that you matter and I hope you end up feeling OK even if you’re not super happy.

You matter to a whole lot of people around you and have intrinsic worth, so I know I’m just a stranger on the internet and I don’t matter to you, but I want you to feel better.

Please let me know if I can ever help you.

What is it that the Suicide hotline does to get people off the ledge? I've always been curious.

Username does not check out :')

Damn

Haha, have a gun pointed at your face and I would almost guarantee your survival instincts kick in, regardless of how depressed you are.

Seriously though, I've been in a place similar to yours. I realized one day that I don't want to kill myself (because I don't think I could do that to my parents) but if a bus hit me, I don't think I'd mind too much.

"If you kill me, your life is going to be worse than mine"

Or: the clones act normally enough to fool other people, but have no actual emotions or feelings of their own. The twist is that everyone has replaced themselves with unfeeling clones, so there's no one left who actually cares anymore.

All of these comments.

I'm in the same spot man. Except I went to college. Thought I'd do something important but now I just jump around from part time job to part time job watching tv all day and hoping my fat neck chokes me in my sleep

Jesus, that really is a good idea!

Did a couple in Afghanistan. Being here was fucking torture.

Alright, but this is your last strike.

DO IT PUSSY. PULL THE TRIGGER.

times will get less crappy eventually

you have no way of knowing this

I don't know the answer to this, but I think some people really just need someone to talk to.

What if you have no money, no marketable skills to make money, and lack the ability to learn marketable skills? I'm effectively stuck in my position until I can find another barely minimum wage job to keep my car on the road and then maybe explore college.

It's funny you say that because I've been telling my friends for 10 years now I want to die by getting hit by a bus mid-sentence like that once chick in Final Destina

Don't watch this if you're depressed. But if you don't really understand what depression is like, check it out.

Check out this guy, being able to leave bed.

Masturbate. Pig out. Then go exercise. And go to some place with forced interaction to meet new people.

Heck go skydiving or something. See if that helps and pulls u out of it

Haha, I've watched his videos. He pumps out a new one just about every hour. Very prolific!

I'm not the guy you're replying to, but I'd really rather not have dreams sometimes. Especially when you're going through a rough patch, mentally/emotionally.

Dreams can really fuck you up, making you conjure up magically "ideal" scenarios in your sleep that make you feel like shit when you wake up and realise that they weren't reality.

I'd rather just kill myself.

Keep yo head up. Just know that millions of others are out there suffering too, and times will get less crappy eventually. Maybe you'll even find a significant other, and you guys can go throughout life trying to make life suck as least as possible.

Also, I'll be your best man and your #1 fan.

Hah, but for real, hang in there, buddy.

That sounds amazing. Something I haven't had in a long time. Thank you for being you.

He's depressed, not suicidal. There's a difference. They often go hand in hand, but suicidal tendencies - the unconscious or conscious urge to kill oneself - does not always accompany depression.

I experience the same thing. My depression is mostly episodic, in that I'll have a brutal month of avoiding showers and hygiene, not leaving the house, not eating much, terrible sleep patterns, letting my phone die and not plugging it in, severe lethargy, and absolutely 0 suicidal thoughts, and then I'll just pop out of it at some point, and be at about 85% happiness for most of the time. But at absolutely no point do I feel the urge to kill myself. It doesn't even occur to me. Hell, I don't even really have conscious depressive thoughts, I just kind of... shut down. Like I don't want to think at all, and would rather just exist in stasis, because even the smallest task becomes incredibly difficult. Hell, even thinking feels like work.

Woot woot! Joy is different though. Joy is an obligation. No ones telling you to find the joy, or the happy! Maybe you're Louis Ck and you're an angry son of a bitch. Embrace that motherfucker! Go tell someone they should trip and fall! Scream at someone in traffic! Tell your sister in laws she's a bloated cow. It's all you friend. Maybe you're an asshole. You don't need joy to be an asshole. Just do you. And maybe the world will be a little bit brighter.

Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!

The idea of not existing anymore it's too much to bear to even tempt to get myself in a life-threatening situation. I've been dead for billions of years might as well enjoy the 80 to 100 years I have.

Doesn't matter if its shitty or not as long as it gets the job done ;-)

change is the only constant, and while there may not be an equal chance of it changing for better or changing for worse... change is the only constant that we have.

You're lucky you still have them.

Right there with you. :/

I try to make myself an easy target for this exact reason. I walk places when it's dark out, at hours most people are sleeping, with headphones in, in an arguably sketchy area, that's had an upswing in robberies in hopes someone will pull a gun on me. The plan is to laugh at them and keep walking to anger them enough to shoot me to take my stuff.

You probably made him depressed with that thought.

My last thought every night is "please don't wake up".

Pretty much this. You're just as likely to go from all those problems, to all those problems + shitting in a bag for the rest of your life, as you are to get killed.

In all my dreams I have an amazing girlfriend that I'm madly in love with then I wake up single and miss my fake girlfriend. I'm 26.

This was me with a guitar. It was so challenging at first that to play anything took so much concentration that I forgot everything else that was going on. A year and a half later and I'm halfway through writing a (really shitty) solo record. It's nothing special but it was extremely cathartic and I'm in a much better place now than I was then. Guitar, exercise, and talk therapy have helped me come a long way. Shit days like today come and I get super down out of nowhere, but that used to be every day. Then after a while it was a couple days a week, and now it's maybe a couple times a month. Things get better guys, but I had to work pretty hard at it.

Yeah, fuck. "Set goals, go to the gym, get moving." Ya think? I'm sure they meant to be helpful, but Christ, that's how mentally healthy people get over their problems. The essence of long-term depression is total mental exhaustion, not despair. The despair comes from being too drained and too tired to perform the rituals essential to joy and life satisfaction.

I go through a cycle every 4 or 5 years of deciding to fight my mental illness. For a year or two, or maybe a few months, I religiously go to therapy and take my prescriptions. I take on new responsibilities. I schedule myself. I set all goals. I force myself to meet new people. And it's true that I feel better for a while! Who wouldn't feel better when they're being a productive member of society? But that kind of lifestyle is not sustainable for me. It takes an extraordinary amount of constant mental exertion for me to simply live normally. I will get tired, and I will slip up. And once I do, not only am I sick again, but I have all kinds of new things to fail at: I fail at taking my meds regularly, I fail at maintaining my new friendships, I fail at getting myself out of bed to go to the gym or whatever other routine I've made for myself. The guilt and shame from those failures just makes each successive relapse worse.

This time around, I'm lowering my expectations for myself and am not setting any goals other than "Make it out alive and conserve my energy." Anything else is too much.

Because it's a lot easier to say "we don't spend enough on mental illness in this country" after someone kills themself than to admit that our culture and our attitudes towards work, "success", and self-worth are fucked up. If it's wrong to want to go into the wilderness and build a new life for yourself away that's different from the conventional bullshit you were raised up in, why isn't everyone born on the east coast?

You might consider trying out camping. Even if you do nothing but sit around and be bored the whole weekend, getting out into nature and basically "unplugging" from the world is quite wonderful (highly recommend leaving the electronic devices off too). Took me a couple of rounds of camping to get through some similar emotional depression issues, to the point where all I need is about a weekend a month for "maintenance."

You're positive I'm not going to have to do this all over again?

It's basically a modern Twilight Zone that revolves around technology and psychology

Aw, that sucks. I can imagine stuff, but lack the talent and the patience to draw. I could as a kid, but no longer.

Clearly, you started drinking shitty wine. Step up your game. :)

Don't I know it.

I've been thinking about doing this for weeks now. I'm starting to realize how obtainable it really is.

RIP :(

Hang in there.

You only get to ride once.

Nobody gets off Mister Bones' Wild Ride

He's kill

Maybe talk to someone you love?

Your references are out of control.

this is something that ive been slowly working on. start camping when you can and work up to staying longer and longer. you start to feel like you have unlimited time. its quite nice.

Oh ok

Thanks.

I just want a friend but I feel like all I bring is problems to the lives of people I care about.